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We have been together about 15 years. His tremors started about 10 years ago and have progressed significantly since. I love him and don't mind caring for him but am finding it difficult to remain sexually attracted to him. I don't want to tell him because I think it would devastate him. Does anyone have any suggestions?

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Most likely it would devastate him if you told him. Are you okay to continue sexual relations with him? Is it too much too ask?

Several months ago someone posted about not having sex with their husband that was suffering from dementia. They didn't feel their husband was their equal anymore. I had read their statement to my husband who commented that sexual pleasure was such an animal instinct. He felt sorry for the man that he was deprived of his prior state and lost his sex life with his wife due to her distaste. My husband was really upset about it.

My MIL did continue to have sex with my FIL, he had lost 2 legs (both were cut off above the knees) and he was demented. Still had a strong sex drive and she continued to have sex with him, before dementia got her, and after. I don't know how she felt about it, I didn't ask.

Men place a great deal of importance on sex. Can you go through the motions without being attracted to him?

What's that old line? The man speaks during sex and his wife tells him "be quiet, I am trying to fantasize now and it's not you I am fantasizing about".
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Hi, just another point of view regarding the sexual aspect of anyone suffering from a chronic illness... my husband was totally unable to cope with this disease of mine, Parkinson's ,and he himself started to develop depression and whilst he told me he could not care for me, devastating as it was to hear he was revolted by the disease and so our sex life went out the window, i told him i could never abandon him and would always be by his side, always.....sadly this was not enough for this beautiful man, my husband of 41 , years , his pain and shame was so hard to bear that he took his own life last year. tragic that he could not or would not seek help.....so he is at peace now, whilst i have to pick up the pieces....nothing is so bad that you have to take your own life, when he killed himself, he killed me as well. i urge honesty and courage to keep the lines of communication open, things can be worked out, sex is not the be all and end all of life,,...love, friendship, companionship in my mind are things i can't live without, but i am having to do so.....i am glad that you are not telling your husband what you feel, whilst one needs to be honest, there are some things that are best kept to yourself, after all it is not our fault we are inflicted with Parkinson's! Good luck, your husband is lucky you are willing to be his caregiver. My future alone scares me to death.
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If you don't drink, I apologize in advance, but maybe tequila?
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I absolutely have no experience in this situation, so my suggestions may be off the wall - I apologize in advance, but here we go. Is there anything that calms him enough to reduce the tremors that would promote intimacy? Fragranced bath together, mood music, candles? How about talking about how things used to be, such as "remember that time at the beach when we.....?" or "remember that sexy nightie I used to wear - what were you really thinking back then?" My significant other and I are no longer physically intimate but still very dear intimate friends and we sometimes reminisce about our 'crazy' times together and have some great laughs. It's true nothing works quite like it used to! One of our favorite comments is that if we didn't have our imagination we wouldn't have any fun at all!! I truly hope something works for you two, but feel free NOT to give us the 'details' if any of these suggestions work! LOL :)
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Thank you for having a site available for this kind of talk. About to turn 78 and 80, arriving at organism is iffy for both of us, but the intimacy is the most important especially because his thrashing and shouting in dreams was making sleeping in the same bed or even the same room impossible. At this age, neither body can be counted on for orgasm but the naked cuddle factor is the most important. Sunday is our day, which helps me gear up mentally. If we miss it because of another activity, we just wait till the next Sunday. If that day is also busy, we revert to Saturday. 3 joint replacements on my body don't help and sometimes it's hard because of the extended time factor... hard to remember there were once days when we tried to hold back! The sexual factor in a long relationship is difficult and I think that all we can do for each other is speak for ourselves, and be supportive and understanding in our responses. There's a lot of compassion in the answers above. In the end, we all have to figure it out for ourselves, but know that we are not alone.
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FeelingHelpless,
I have similar feelings, with less excuse. My husband and I recently agreed to a schedule. That gives me the feeling that he won't be coming at me the rest of the time. I am surprise to find a little bit of interest stirring as the date approaches. He wishes that we could be more spontaneous, but I asked him which he would prefer, a schedule or no sex?

I used to like sex, honest.
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I too understand. My husband is 72, I am 53. He has had PD for 15 years, had DBS.. no tremors, but no function. The "pills" do not work and he is searching desparately for anything. I really have no desire but go along with everything. His incontinence was the first turn off. He found a urologist that is treating him with botox in his bladder for that. Same urologist is gung ho on Erectile disfunction and talked him into ultrasound tests and injections for firmness. All well and good, but he is not physically able move much, so if there is any function, I would be doing all the work. All this probably sound pretty selfish and I don't mind caring for him. I love him dearly but at this point, Sex seems like yet another "task" on the endless list of things we caregivers do.
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Thanks so much for your comments. I have been going thru the motions but find that I try to avoid sexual contact as much as possible. I have such mixed feelings about it. I'm having trouble wrapping by brain around it. I think "physically I can do this", but mentally is where I'm having difficulty.
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I've decided to try the old Nike attitude, "Just Do It"; kind of like a mental approach to working out. We'll see how that works out.
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You are a sweetheart. Has his personality changed much with the Parkinson's? I once was in touch with a man whose wife had cancer and the treatments prolonged her life, but took away all sex drive. He had trouble facing the rest of his life without sex, but still loved his wife. Not quite your problem, but just to say that illness of one kind or another can be devastating on so many levels. ((((((hugs)))) p.s. the tequila might be an idea ,)
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