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We have been together about 15 years. His tremors started about 10 years ago and have progressed significantly since. I love him and don't mind caring for him but am finding it difficult to remain sexually attracted to him. I don't want to tell him because I think it would devastate him. Does anyone have any suggestions?

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Most likely it would devastate him if you told him. Are you okay to continue sexual relations with him? Is it too much too ask?

Several months ago someone posted about not having sex with their husband that was suffering from dementia. They didn't feel their husband was their equal anymore. I had read their statement to my husband who commented that sexual pleasure was such an animal instinct. He felt sorry for the man that he was deprived of his prior state and lost his sex life with his wife due to her distaste. My husband was really upset about it.

My MIL did continue to have sex with my FIL, he had lost 2 legs (both were cut off above the knees) and he was demented. Still had a strong sex drive and she continued to have sex with him, before dementia got her, and after. I don't know how she felt about it, I didn't ask.

Men place a great deal of importance on sex. Can you go through the motions without being attracted to him?

What's that old line? The man speaks during sex and his wife tells him "be quiet, I am trying to fantasize now and it's not you I am fantasizing about".
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Hi, just another point of view regarding the sexual aspect of anyone suffering from a chronic illness... my husband was totally unable to cope with this disease of mine, Parkinson's ,and he himself started to develop depression and whilst he told me he could not care for me, devastating as it was to hear he was revolted by the disease and so our sex life went out the window, i told him i could never abandon him and would always be by his side, always.....sadly this was not enough for this beautiful man, my husband of 41 , years , his pain and shame was so hard to bear that he took his own life last year. tragic that he could not or would not seek help.....so he is at peace now, whilst i have to pick up the pieces....nothing is so bad that you have to take your own life, when he killed himself, he killed me as well. i urge honesty and courage to keep the lines of communication open, things can be worked out, sex is not the be all and end all of life,,...love, friendship, companionship in my mind are things i can't live without, but i am having to do so.....i am glad that you are not telling your husband what you feel, whilst one needs to be honest, there are some things that are best kept to yourself, after all it is not our fault we are inflicted with Parkinson's! Good luck, your husband is lucky you are willing to be his caregiver. My future alone scares me to death.
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If you don't drink, I apologize in advance, but maybe tequila?
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I absolutely have no experience in this situation, so my suggestions may be off the wall - I apologize in advance, but here we go. Is there anything that calms him enough to reduce the tremors that would promote intimacy? Fragranced bath together, mood music, candles? How about talking about how things used to be, such as "remember that time at the beach when we.....?" or "remember that sexy nightie I used to wear - what were you really thinking back then?" My significant other and I are no longer physically intimate but still very dear intimate friends and we sometimes reminisce about our 'crazy' times together and have some great laughs. It's true nothing works quite like it used to! One of our favorite comments is that if we didn't have our imagination we wouldn't have any fun at all!! I truly hope something works for you two, but feel free NOT to give us the 'details' if any of these suggestions work! LOL :)
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FeelingHelpless,
I have similar feelings, with less excuse. My husband and I recently agreed to a schedule. That gives me the feeling that he won't be coming at me the rest of the time. I am surprise to find a little bit of interest stirring as the date approaches. He wishes that we could be more spontaneous, but I asked him which he would prefer, a schedule or no sex?

I used to like sex, honest.
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I've decided to try the old Nike attitude, "Just Do It"; kind of like a mental approach to working out. We'll see how that works out.
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You are a sweetheart. Has his personality changed much with the Parkinson's? I once was in touch with a man whose wife had cancer and the treatments prolonged her life, but took away all sex drive. He had trouble facing the rest of his life without sex, but still loved his wife. Not quite your problem, but just to say that illness of one kind or another can be devastating on so many levels. ((((((hugs)))) p.s. the tequila might be an idea ,)
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Thank you ALL for your comments! It helps me just knowing that others care! Not to get too graphic, I was getting sexual pleasure when his tremors were slight. I could still feel them when we embraced, but was able to put them out of my mind. They have progressed to the point where it is now impossible for me to do so, even with the help of numerous medications. I have always needed to have a clear mind so I could strongly concentrate on my own feelings in order to reach sexual pleasure, but now because of the constant jerking motions it has become impossible. He knows that I do not reach climax and that I have lost my desire for sex but I've told him its because of my having gone thru menopause and my own body image issues. I think that he just thinks that the more we do IT, I will get over it. I don't want to tell him that his Parkinson's is what is effecting me. He will think that I don't want him because he is "broken". Thanks once again for letting me vent. This alone has been a great help!
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I too understand. My husband is 72, I am 53. He has had PD for 15 years, had DBS.. no tremors, but no function. The "pills" do not work and he is searching desparately for anything. I really have no desire but go along with everything. His incontinence was the first turn off. He found a urologist that is treating him with botox in his bladder for that. Same urologist is gung ho on Erectile disfunction and talked him into ultrasound tests and injections for firmness. All well and good, but he is not physically able move much, so if there is any function, I would be doing all the work. All this probably sound pretty selfish and I don't mind caring for him. I love him dearly but at this point, Sex seems like yet another "task" on the endless list of things we caregivers do.
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Elliemorris, sorry to hear of your husband's troubles. Sex is not everything. My parents had some health.concerns at about your age, no more was possible, no little blue pills in rthose days. Love is not sex or vice versa. Love is a choice and a commitment. Sex is an animal act, not needed for survival, really. You and your husband may have different sexual urges, but that doesn't mean love has changed. You might need to explore self-gratification at times/places your hubbie won't be around. There is nothing wrong with relieving the sexual urge and then you will be free to attend to your love commitment, taking care of his physical needs which no longer includes intercourse. In time, your own sex urges will subside, especially with menopause.
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