Continual falls... Any advice?

Take her to the doctor who is prescribing the med and let him know he has a hand in all this. She needs to be hospitalized to get off the meds and to dry out from the alcohol. If you have access to that dr's patient portal where you can send a message, then contact them that way (written notice) that she is coming in due to the number of falls because of the drinking and the (specific) medicine that he prescribes. You wanted to let him know, in advance, the reason for the visit so you do not have to interject too much into the conversation during the visit and he has a heads-up. Also, that because of the falls she possibly needs to be in rehab to w/draw under medical supervision.

They should be able to do specific blood tests to check alcohol and drug levels and proceed from there. If there is no patient portal, then send a letter and keep a copy. Ask them to call you with appt time/date when they get the letter.

Wow. Dementia is one thing, bad enough, but to have someone who is self-abusing and refusing to help themselves... As the saying goes, you can lead them to the water...but...

I agree that whoever the doctor is should be ashamed of him/herself for prescribing these drugs over and over. I disagree that you interfacing with the doctor is going to change much. Mom is still "competent" and can make all the bad choices she wants. Even with dementia, we cannot force someone to do what is best for them if they are refusing (been there, done that!)

Stick to that mandate that you will NOT take her into your home! Talk about inviting the devil in!!! Both the alcohol and the meds are addictions and WE cannot cure addictions. The person *MUST* want to change, otherwise any attempts are fruitless. Even being locked up and "dried out" they can still return home and start over again.

Suggestions for finding a "place" for her and moving her are well-meaning but are not going to happen. You have NO control over your mom and have no authority to move her against her wishes. I seriously doubt any AL would take her in, given her "issues." Even if she agreed and went there sober, the drinking would resume and she would likely get tossed out! They are AL, not rehab centers for alcoholics and drug addicts.

Even suggestions to get guardianship are not likely to work out. She is NOT incompetent. Stupidity and addictions do not equal incompetence.

The good news is that it appears FL is NOT one of the Filial Laws states. Despite that, it might be a good investment to meet with an Elder Care attorney to discuss the issues and see if there is a way you can protect yourself from any condemnation AND keep her out of your care/home. S/he might even be able to make suggestions for how the "others" (hospital staff, social workers, etc) can handle the situation. One would think they wouldn't release someone who is a danger to themselves, but clearly they have done it already! From what I have heard/read about APS, you can try them, but I wouldn't hold my breath....

Repeat often - NOT in my house, Not in my house, Not in my house!

(one of my uncles died fairly young - liver I think - due to booze. He wasn't very elderly, but certainly too young to die from normal causes. I wouldn't have considered him an alcoholic, but clearly too much booze over the years took its toll. Another uncle did drink too much and it impacted his bones, making them soft, causing falls and breakage. His last fall was one too many - hit the bathtub and it was all downhill from there.) NOT in my house, NOT in MY house, NOT IN MY HOUSE!!!!

Also, no guilt. She made her bed and continues to lie in it. There is nothing ANYONE can do to change her bed. There's no point to making your life miserable trying to change anything.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger has some wonderful advice on dealing with toxic relatives. No, you must not bring this woman into your home, and her suicide threats are merely attempts to manipulate you. I agree with the person who said you should tell her you will call 911 the next time she says that. Then alert her doctor or a medical professional as to what she has said.

Under no circumstances should you let her ruin your life. As a Christian, I believe we must be sure our parents are cared for properly in their old age, but that does not mean we must endure any kind of abuse from them.

So sad that your LO is abusing alcohol AND benzos. She needs help. If you want, PM me about a program called Reformers Unanimous, which is where she can help for all kinds of stubborn habits. Good luck. Hope to hear from you.

Llamalover47

To jacobsonbob about guilt: so agree that Upstream has done nothing wrong and wouldn't really BE guilty of neglect or lack of caring, but I think it would be hard not to second guess or chastise one's self for turning away from someone so obviously in trouble. And your own mothrr, at that! I wish Upstream COULD turn away guilt free. The severity of her mother's behavior is way beyond anything any lay person should attempt to handle.
Hey, Upstream! We are all here backing you up. Up Your mother's needs are way "above your pay grade." Please do not beat yourself up if you break free of her demands and rejections.

I am the poster. I just want to thank everyone for chiming in with their thoughts. It has really made me feel better. I am in Orlando, FL, and now we are dealing with the hurricane approaching on top of everything else. I appreciate that everyone took the time to give me their opinion, and I feel supported and stronger today as a result!! I think at least one person suggested I get therapy for myself. I have considered that, but the support on this forum has been spectacular and I'm not quite ready for a therapist yet. I've been on Agingcare for at least 5 years now. I recognize some regulars among the responses such as Jacobsonbob, Countrymouse, Llamalover47, Daughterof1930, Okiegranny, and others, and I just want to thank you for your support, and everyone else that responded to my rant.

My stepfather refused to quit drinking. He got old and sick. Nope only care on his terms. Moved into a trailer when my mother would NOT take him in post divorce and heavy drinking. But you must care for me! Nope. Ignored offers from his son because he had to quit drinking to live in house with kids. Finally found after wellness check a week after he died. One blessing is stepbro didn’t find him! If she doesn’t respond to knock, call 911. Not the memory to carry with you and first responders are trained to deal with it.

Hey up. Thank him for his service. The 911 operator when they called told stepbro not to go. Said the sheriff department would meet them if key available but it would not be something family should see after a week no contact. My brother had his FIL living with them and he passed away when they were away for weeks trip. His best friend had to let first responders in and won’t talk about it to this day. It’s not the same as funeral home in suit is all he’d say.

I agree that her care is too much and I would look into getting her moved ASAP.

Re: bringing her to the hospital and refusing to take her home. It is, of course, an option. But, from the medical/hospital side, just let me say that this can be really hard on the patient. If you "granny dump" her and completely wash your hands of her, it puts the facility in a very difficult situation. They need to file for guardianship and that can take MONTHS. With your LO sitting in a hospital room that does not fit the needs of anyone that is not in need of acute care.

So, I would suggest that you instead try to get her placed somewhere with your assistance. If she goes to the hospital, help them place her so it can happen quickly. From home, work with someone to make it happen as well.

My 90 year old mom was also falling due to drinking and her frailness. She had a prescription that the doctor said was not good for her balance also. We began to water down her wine - eventually giving her bottles of mostly juice and water. And, at first had her take pills every other day until we stopped those also. At her age, we had already got her car and driver's license removed by taking her to testing by a senior driving rehab program.

Her falls have almost completely stopped although her balance is still not great. If you can control what she drinks by supplying her the drinks I think you will find a big change in the falls. Good luck.

Your mother's behavior is typical of an alcoholic.  She doesn't want to go to senior living - or any other arrangement where she can't drink at will.  She is most likely ashamed of her lack of control and that's why she's become reclusive.  The only time she reaches out for help is when the pain is so bad she can't stand it.  Your mother's addictive behavior is destroying her, and sad to say, unless she admits her addictions and reaches out for help, there isn't much you can do for her.  It is HER decision. 

You have a good marriage and you don't want to lose your husband - bless you!  Hold on to him with all your heart.  He comes first.  You are doing the right thing by keeping her at arms length.  There are support groups for families of alcoholics.  You might benefit from attending one. 

God bless you and give you strength.  I have dealt with similar circumstances in my life and I know how devastating it can be.  Many hugs.  💙

I feel for you, Upstream. My deceased brother was a heroin addict. They never want to admit they have a problem. I suspect they know deep down. My brother allowed me to set him up in the hospice program shortly before he died.

For years I begged him to go to a drug rehab facility. He always refused. Well, when I was a kid he tried methadone for awhile but it was an outpatient deal. He needed a long term in patient program.

They are afraid of the withdrawal process. Not fun. It’s hard. My brother was a bit different from most addicts. He used to tell me that he learned to control it. I would get so angry and tell him that drugs controlled him, not him controlling them.

But actually he could throw himself in a room cold turkey and detox. Most people can’t do that. Still, he always went back to using but he was not in a situation where he used daily which is unusual.

I don’t care if he didn’t use daily. Being an addict is so hard on the addict and everyone else involved in their lives. Doesn’t matter if it is drugs or alcohol. Addiction is tough.

UPDATE: Mom fell in her home and broke two ribs. Hospital transported her home, with a prescription for opiods, within 8 hours. Now we've added another injury and a GREAT prescription to mix with Benzos and alcohol. When I left mom's house this morning, she was lighting up a cigarette. Oh, and I forgot to mention previously that she takes zzzQuil on a regular basis to knock her out because the Benzos don't do much anymore. What planet am I on???

So, made it through the storm okay (the hurricane weather, not mom!)?

Does mom still drive? If not, how would she fill an Rx or did they just hand her some?

With all the buzz about opioids, it it scary to read how someone can be given these so nonchalantly, without regard to anything else she is taking (and drinking)... Never mind sending an alcoholic who fell and broke 2 ribs home alone... Are these "doctors" really kids playing with a Fischer-Price medical kit?

Well, it is what it is... she will bring about her own demise and there really isn't a whole lot you can do about it. So long as she is considered 'competent', it is her decision to live life the way she wants. It will be sad to find her when she does go, but in a way it will be a relief. That is really no way to "live" and the worry it brings to you is awful.

Stay strong while swimming Upstream!