88 yr old mother in robust physical health, lives alone in her condo with home assistance 3 days a week. She absolutely refuses to even talk about residential placement - a trial of an assisted living facility failed abysmally. After months of her nonstop complaints about it as “worse than a prison,” we caved and moved her back home. Now all she talks about is being a prisoner in her home. She cannot drive, so her aides take her shopping, to the library, etc. Ever since my parents’ divorce 50 years ago, anything that upsets or frustrates her sets her off into “I’d be better off dead,” “everyone hates me,” “I pray every day I won’t wake up in the morning.” We’ve been hearing this for fifty years. She has never attempted to actually harm herself. Her talk has alarmed aides and staff at the ALF and she has been taken to the hospital twice, evaluated by psych, and discharged as not at risk, PLUS a mental health crisis home visit closed as “not needing intervention.” There was another meltdown this past weekend; the agency called me (I live 1000 miles away), I called her. She blew it all off, and went into her usual rant about being a “prisoner,” and veers from complaining about being “abandoned” by the aides (they are very reliable!), to complaining about the “never-ending parade of people I don’t want in my house.” She refuses to see any doctor of any kind. We are exhausted by the wanting-to-die wail, and her absolute resistance to any additional supervision or aid. Every single person (including or even especially us three adult kids) around her is stupid, incompetent, mean, controlling, rude, ignorant, etc. We are tired of coping with the “one day I’ll be a rotting corpse on the floor” threats. I suppose I’m mostly venting here, but we are all at a loss about what else to do, given her total non-cooperation with any medical intervention (she also furiously denies any dementia, while bitterly calling herself “retarded” - her word). My brother and I share POA, and if it were even possible, at this point, none of us would accept guardianship. She NEEDS a professional, supervised setting, but we can’t imagine how to get her there… thoughts?
My Mom was a lover of the mythical "little-boy-who-called-wolf" tale. Your Mom has apparently not heard that one.
Why are you not used to it now, and accepting of it now?
This is her.
She is who she is and this is what she says and does.
You cannot change anyone.
What you could have been doing all these years is simply saying to her "I am so sorry you feel that way; I would miss you so much. I love you."
That's IT.
My partner's mom did just this from the time he was a young boy. She actually threatened to DO IT. Not just she wished she weren't here.
He cut off most interaction with her. A visit once a year. A call every Sunday. And when she died he was very happy not to have to mar his Sunday morning. That is where such people end. They are their own worst enemies.
ALL THAT SAID, she may well wish she were gone.
My Dad, with his wonderful happy life was exhausted in his early 90s and told me he wished he could just take the last long, long nap. He really wanted to discuss it. Same for my brother when he was diagnosed with early Lewy's. He wished he had died in the accident that led to the diagnosis. To be frank and honest with you, I consider those reality-based appropriate wishes. There is no upside to the long lives we are forced to live. I wish, as well, we had a option for a final exit pill.
So stop playing into it as tho you can fix it. As though you are responsible for it. You didn't cause it and can't fix it. Just tell her you are sorry she feels that way; you would miss her. And when she DOES die, know it was what she wanted and she's at peace and don't waste a whole lot of time in mourning.
No one can give anyone else the will to live. No one can point out to the joyless what is joy in their lives. It is hopeless to attempt to. Make certain your OWN life doesn't reflect the litany of sadness she has made of hers. Get on with happy times.
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
Then stop dealing with your mother who's in robust health and listening to rubbish about dying and living in prison at home bc you're giving her the fuel she needs to go on with this behavior. And the audience. Call her once a week and get off the phone when the histrionics begin.
You'll have to wait for a crisis to occur where mom is hospitalized and goes off to rehab, and they refuse to release her back to living alone. That's when she gets placed in managed care against her wishes and there's no choice in the matter. The fastest way to a nursing home is to be a stubborn elder.
Good luck to you.
Scared the crap out of me for years, until I realized that she was manipulative and sick. Who does that to a child? I lived in constant fear she'd follow through and somehow I would be to blame.
Finally, on my 30th birthday, she was in a foul mood and started in on the "I'm just going to kill myself' rant--and I blew up. "Mom, please, please DO kill yourself but for the love of Pete, don't you DARE leave a mess for me to clean up". (I was about 7 months pregnant with my 5th (very unplanned) child).
The look on her face--well, I never heard another suicide threat again in her life. She lived (happily) for another 36 years.
If this were the dynamic TODAY. I would take her directly to the hospital and have her Baker-Acted. Let her know that suicide talk as a means to getting what you want is selfish and wrong on so many levels. (I know it's a hard thing to do: I had to Baker act one my own kids!)
You have to get tough. Mom is holding you hostage, emotionally. Do not let her.
When the talk becomes negative and mean, you decide: do I call 911 and report a suicidal elder or do I hang up on her? Your call.
I wish you good luck in this. Been there, done that. It's no dang fun, for sure.
She loves the attention and concern such statements get her. Oh, she’s so terribly pitiful! She suffers so! No one else has such a hard life! 😏
Tell her if she’s going to end her own life, stop threatening and get on with it. She won’t do it because she loves the drama. Call her on it.
Or, tell her the next time she makes a threat, you will call 911 and get her Baker acted. And do it. She’ll straighten up after one 48-hour hold.
It was sometimes difficult to tell if we were seeing my mother’s dementia or belligerence as they kind of ran together. Once she was assessed by a professional, it was clear she didn’t know the date, her age, the town she lived in for 15+ years, nor the names of her grandkids (who lived next door to her).
Time to stop feeding her ego and need for attention by putting up with such bad behaviour. Take away her power over you. She doesn’t want you to help. She wants you to suffer. Go “grey rock” on her and save yourself.
If you do not want to be POA you can give it up . Go to a lawyer and formally give up being POA . You could let the state take over .
I would tell her that prisoners do not have staff waiting on them taking them out in the car to shop etc .
When she is being mouthy , tell her you have an appt , and get off the phone .
Or tell her , you will talk to her another day when she is more pleasant . Keep the calls short . You also do not have to answer all her calls , let it go to voicemail .
I’m sorry , many of us had mothers like this . If your mother is still competent , I don’t know how you can get her out of her home yet .
If she ends up in the hospital ask the social worker to get her reevaluated to see if she’s in need of 24/7 supervision . Have assisted living places picked out already and ask her to be placed right from the hospital and do not take her back home to get belongings . She will dig her heels in and refuse to leave the house .
I wouldn’t even drive in the car with her . Some angry elders try to grab the steering wheel .
You could also call your local County Area of Aging and ask for a needs assessment . Where I live they will physically remove an elder from the home is they are not safe living alone 24/7. Again have an assisted living facility picked out where they can bring Mom .
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this crap. It has to be awful to hear this day after day from your mother.
Your mom doesn’t know how good she has it. Many people don’t even have anyone who is helping them throughout the week like she has.
I am tempted to tell you to do what my cousin (single mom) did with her 18 year old teenage son when his behavior was out of control.
My cousin gave her son enough rope to hang himself when he stopped listening to her. He got into trouble again and she was desperate.
She asked the officer what she should do in order to scare him. He took her son on a tour of the jail to let him see what his future would be like if he didn’t straighten up.
Well, after a few hours seeing what it’s like to be a ‘prisoner’ he changed his tune! Today he is married, has children of his own and working as a police officer!
I wonder what your mom would do if she toured the local jail in her area! Sorry for being sarcastic. I realize that you are at your wits end. I hope that you can find a solution for her behavior soon.
All I can think of to say is to completely disregard her comments or tell her that you are going to call 911 on her behalf since she is suicidal.
Then may I suggest the next time she says that she says she wants to die or that one day she'll be found rotting on the floor, just calmly ask her if at that time she'd rather be buried or cremated, and what songs she'd like at her funeral.
Now these are all things you should know anyway, but it might just shut her up for the time being.
It's time to call her bluff and again, realize that your mother isn't going to be happy anywhere.
And if there is any dementia at play here, eventually she won't have a say about where she ends up as it will be a matter of where she will be safe and well taken care of.
Wishing you all well.
My mother started suicide talk when I was eleven. It was off and on for years. One day when I was probably in my 40s, she said that she was going to die if "yada yada yada." I told her that she'd been talking like that for a long time, but obviously she hadn't died yet. She didn't like that! But she did lay off the dying talk for a while.
She lived to be 95.
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