Constant challenging and arguing. Thoughts?

I have to laugh over the watch fixation. I just bought my DH his 9th wrist watch because a catalog got thru the censor (me!). After watch #3 I tried reasoning with him. Didn't work. He had a reasonable (to him) explanation why watches 1, 2 and 3 were no longer satisfactory.
Now he wants me to take watch #9 and buy a cloth watch band because the expandable watch band pinches his wrist. (Pointed out prior to purchase, but was told I never let him buy anything he wants).
You just have to laugh, and agree. It won't work to argue or explain. Their reality must become your reality. If your mom says your husband fixed the watches, just say "he sure did mom. I'm so lucky I married him".
Sending you a giant hug - 🤗 😘 ❤

Don’t you wonder how many items go missing? I think of the elderly people that lived through the depression and hid money in their homes. I bet some of them forgot that they even hid it in the first place! 😆 LOL

Nice that she is in a Community that has levels. But realize, placing her in the AL section may come sooner then later. There comes a time they should not be alone. I think they first things they lose is the ability to reason. My Mom used to frustrate me because I couldn't understand why she believed a 25 yr old challenged nephew over me. "But he needs friends" The friend was a woman 10 yrs older than him with 2 kids, father had custody of. She was taking money off him. He has the mentality of maybe a 19/20 yr old. But he needs friends. Looking back I realize that Mom was in the early stage of her Dementia. I think they realize things are not quite right thats why lashing out. She had a personality disorder before? It will probably worsen. TG you have a friend in the same boat. I had a hard time laughing about my Mom. Thought I was being disrespectful. My daughter said its laugh or cry and she worked with Dementia patients.

Don't argue, you won't get thru to her. Short-term makes it hard for them to remember from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. What you could have done with the watches is just take them, put the batteries in them, and return them to where she had them. This is how you are going to need to deal with things. As soon as she starts to argue, let the subject go. Its not that important that she understand.

Stop arguing with her and practice selective deafness. It works wonders.

Hello Everyone! Update....
Just received a call from mom....she found the watches( surprise) ...She had wrapped them in a handkerchief and thats why I didnt see them hidden in the back of her drawer when I looked today....I told her I was glad she found them , bit my tongue to stifle the snarky remark that came to mind) and nicely told her I appreciated her telling me ...and I was ready to hang up and finish our supper ,
when she said "I still dont believe you replaced them..I m sure your husband fixed them." Time for a cocktail .

It sounds as if mom's dementia has progressed further down the rabbit hole. Arguing with her serves no purpose. Her mind works the way it works and nothing you say will penetrate. Your mother may now be entering what I call - bizzaro world, alternate reality, or alternate universe. Unless she left her watches somewhere before she got to the apt. or some unscrupulous staff took them, they are probably hidden somewhere in her unit. If mom is argumentative just give non-committal answers and try and move the conversation on and take care of the contentious issue later (like replacing the watch batteries - just tell mom you'll have them repaired). You're going to be finding a lot of landmines scattered around and by experience you'll learn to deal better - though sometimes there is just no avoiding the landmines and the big explosion.

Is mom still able to live independently with minimal assistance or is mom taking more and more of your time? Make a list of all you do for her - are there new items on the list not there previously? Is it time to get some in-home aids to help her more?

When is your mother due to visit her dr again. Tell the doc your concerns and have them do an assessment. Depending on the results, you may want a referral to a neurologist that specializes in dementia.

While mom may not yet need to move to the next level of care get prepared now. Start looking into the next level of care - is she in a continuing care community where she can move easily to the next level. If not, I'd start looking at AL or MC facilities and tuck the top contenders away for when the move will be necessary - and if you think mom is angry now just wait until you try and get her to move to the next level.

One bit of advise - look for humor - where ever you can find it. Laugh often - it will take some of the stress away - even if only temporarily. Mom's brain is now broken - logic and reason are no longer available to her - she is going more and more into a world of her brain's own making - occasionally you will need to visit her alternate universe to make her happy or soothe her agitation.

I wish you and your family blessings of peace, grace and love.

This reminds me of the time my demented mother insisted the thieving staff at her ALF stole her silver heart necklace with my father's ASHES in them. Cremains. I told her to complain to the Executive director, so she did. Along with all the other old ladies she ate with who concurred that they too had been ripped off by the no good, thieving staff at the ALF! So the Executive director told her there was nothing he could do for her personally, but to feel free to call the Sheriff to file a report.

One of the other residents did just that....she called the Sheriff after my mother got her all riled up!

So the Sheriff shows up at my mother's door along with the Executive director. The sheriff says, I hear you've had a necklace stolen? My mother says, "I have no idea what you're talking about, I've never had anything stolen in my life!" And proceeds to slam the door to her apartment in their faces! 😂

She, of course, gets right on the horn to me to loudly complain about the NERVE of the Sheriff to show up at her door like that! I was like ma, you were expected to put your money where your mouth is for once! Instead, you denied your claim and slammed the door in her face!

The next day I went over to the ALF. The executive director and I had a laugh over the whole incident, and I told him I had no idea how on earth he was able to deal with all the b.s. that went on among these old ladies 24/7.

Then I went upstairs to my mother's apartment. I went into her closet and pulled out her jewelry box, with her hollering WHAT ARE YOU DOING? the whole time. I pulled out the silver heart necklace with my father's cremains in it and held it up for her to see. What is THAT? She wanted to know. It's the necklace the thieving staff stole from you, mom, is what I told her. It's been in your jewelry box where you put it this entire time.

She's never worn that necklace again. I have no idea where it is, in fact, she probably threw it in the trash knowing how mean natured she is.

She also tells me her watch is "broke" every time I see her. I took the damn thing home and changed the dead battery, but she still says it's "broke". Truth is, she can't tell time anymore and just wears the watch cuz it looks nice. Until one of the thieving staff steals it.

I hope that story gave you a bit of a laugh. God knows we cry enough already over all the crap they put us thru. Gotta laugh whenever we can, right? 😁

tgrlly-
Hi there,
I understand your frustration. The family members that do the day-to-day care are always the ones in the cross hairs!
Do you think that your mom has progressed a bit further? She sounds like she's starting to be lost in time, which would be a bit further along than early dementia. If that's the case, she's probably not going to be able to learn something new like a new model of a cell phone.
With your background you may have already seen this--it follows along the 7 stages of dementia, but has a checklist as well that really helped me define what losses my mom was experiencing:
https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/

I found reading this helpful in understanding why it was a waste of time to try to use reason to explain some things to my mom. We had some epic 'discussions'. Now I just agree with her and we move on...
http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf

Perhaps the cleaners threw out the bag by accident?
Do you think you can get some extra assistance from an aide to give you and your husband a break and a chance to breathe?

Looked everywhere .....She has the staff on a pedestal and her only adult child that helps her (me) as the target for her miserable self centered existence. The most frustrating part of this is that there is not ONE thing she is told that she will not challenge. She gets angry when she sees a new building on TV in her old neighborhood and feels that things should never change. Refuses to learn how to use a cell phone ( probably a win for me, though) and is jealous that I have a good relationship with my brother who removed himself from her abuse years ago. She treats my very patient and acommodating husband like trash, and yet will try to get him to agree with her against me. She has been a Narcissist all her life, and is getting worse every day. I have learned to survive by limiting contact and thinking of her as a client ( Im a retired social worker ..wish I could retire from this !) Thank you for responding ..

“Refuses to acknowledge” maybe means that mental process is gone now. Believing that watches don’t have batteries, even after being shown a battery in one, maybe means she can only think of past watches that indeed, had no batteries. Your mother’s abilities are slipping away, she’s likely even more argumentative as she tries to hang on to what all is being lost. Accepting her new reality is hard for your both, and arguing with her is fruitless and frustrating.

Why argue? You’re not happy and she’s not happy. Let her stuff float.

JUST REMEMBER- you are an intact grown up. She is a vulnerable, failing adult. You are no longer her child. SHE is the child.

Don’t waste your time on nonessentials.

It JUST isn’t worth it.

Maybe look in the refrigerator/freezer for the bag?