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My sister in law, that lived with my mil, died in February of this year so we had to move in with my mil. She's 80 years old and can't live alone. I believe she has alzheimers, but she hasn't been to a doctor for years now so she's never been diagnosed. My mil refuses to bathe and I'm disgusted by this! She has a little dog in the house and it's never been house trained so it uses the bathroom all over the house, and she claims she can't see to clean it up. The "I can't see" line is used every time it's convenient for her, but she sees just fine! The "I can't see" line is also used every time she uses the bathroom and leaves her mess all over the toilet. She doesn't want us to wash her clothes! This place stinks! She sneaks around a lot, goes through our stuff, and takes things out of our bedroom. We've had to install locks on our bedroom door and my 16 year old sons door to keep her out.The biggest issue is the dog. I hate that dog! We try to get my mil to eat. but she wants to give it to the dog. We buy steak, cut it up for her, and she gives it all to the dog. We go buy her a Sonic burger, she takes 2 bites and gives the rest to the dog. Everything we give her, she gives to the dog.My husband has told her to stop, but she sneaks and does it anyway. She's doesn't want to eat anything but sweets. She's going to die and we will be blamed, but we can't get her to eat! Let me say, before we moved in here, I cared a lot for this woman, but not anymore. We have been here for about 7 months now, and I've never even sat on her furniture because it's too nasty. We live in our bedroom, because we can't stand to be in the front of the house. I go to my mothers house to cook our supper because I'm disgusted by the smell here. The absolute worst part, the part I have cried myself to sleep over more than once, is I have a 2 year old little boy that's being raised in one room. We can't let him go into the living room, down the hall, or in the kitchen because of that nasty dog. When we 1st moved in I kept the floors swept and mopped because of the dog using the bathroom. But I could sweep and mop and 5 minutes later there's puddles of dog urine. I decided the dog didn't need a clean floor to piss in. My husband or mil cleans up after the dog, and I stay back here trying to entertain a 2 year old. I'm so tired of these bedroom walls. I've begged my husband to send her to a nursing home, but he says he can't until her mind is completely gone because she's always told them to never put her in one. Everyday I think about leaving, but I don't want to take my son away from his daddy. I know I sound like the bad guy in all this, maybe I am, but I can't take this. I'm suppose to make sure my kids grow up in a clean environment and now I've brought them into this hell. What do I do? Do I leave my husband? Do I keep pressuring him about the nursing home? Or do I just keep living in this bedroom, for possibly another 5-10 years, and wait for life to be normal again?

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If she cannot live alone perhaps an assisted living community would be best for her. I'm curious as to why you "had to move in with her".

As far as the dog is concerned, it's not its fault. It just doesn't know any better and with the over feeding is probably obese and likely to have health issues. I inherited my mother's little dog when she went into a nursing home - obese, obnoxious and not particularly house clean, but now slim, sweet and 100% clean. It's not animals, it's the people that have them.
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bethy13, Curious why your sister-in-law died? Was it the stress of caring for her mother? It has been shown that 1 out of every 3 caregivers passes on leaving the love one they were caring behind.

And what would she have done if your husband hadn't move in? Of course, she probably would have gone to a retirement community.
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It sounds like your husband has chosen the care of his mother to be more important than you and your 2 year old. He either needs to put her in a nursing home or you need to leave. It sounds like to me if adult protective services or a social worker were to evaluate life in that house that your MIL would become a ward of the state and removed from the house and placed in a nursing home.
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We had to move in with her because she can't live alone. She can't cook, she doesn't even know how to work the microwave. Just before we moved in the neighbor found her going through her shed at 4am looking for my sister in law. If we weren't here, she wouldn't even clean up after the dog. My husband either does it or has to tell her to do it. She isn't the least bit bother by the dog mess. She is losing her mind. We certainly didn't do it because we wanted to! My husband owns this house she lives in, but we also have our own house that we've lived for 13 years. Our home!!! This isn't home!

I know the dog just doesn't know any better, but when I have to keep my 2 year old confined to a bedroom and the dog goes where ever it wants I've come to hate the dog! I wasn't raised up having a dog in the house, and I just can't get use to there being dog mess and dog hair all over every thing.
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freqflyer, my sister in law was only about 55 years old. I seen her everyday and there were no sign of any illness. She just didn't wake up one morning. She was completely stressed. Her and my mil had a huge argument 2 days before because my sil was trying to clean the place by throwing an old dishwasher out that hasn't worked in years, and my mil had a fit about it. So, the dishwasher is still sitting in the kitchen.
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cmagnum, I think you're right, but I don't want to get in trouble for the living conditions here. My husband and I just argued this morning about it. I told him she was going to starve to death and they would get us for manslaughter! We argue every day over her. But today, he did something that he's yet to do...he called his brother. I guess because he needs to hear someone in the family say it's okay to have her put somewhere. His brother doesn't come over here at all and never calls to check on their mom. My husband knows what he needs to do, but he doesn't want to break her heart by putting her in a nursing home. I feel so sorry for him. She's drives him nuts and every day he has to deal with me complaining. He's in the middle.
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bethy13, he doesn't want to break her heart? Think about it, we usually tell our parents we will never put them in a nursing home back when our parents are mobile, healthy, of clear mind, and living independently. No one at that time thinks about what happens when the elder has memory and cleaning issues.

As for her dog, the dog can eventually be trained to piddle on indoor doggy pads or learn to go outdoor.
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id get rid of the filthy dog. its not going to get better and your stress will only build . dog people live in denial . my renter called me upstais last winter because a 10 sq ft section of the carpet was soaking wet , the walls must be leaking . no . when the dogs would piss in that area her and the old man both would shift their gaze and refuse to see it . it wasnt the fault of the inbred , filthy , neurotic animals but since they dont pay rent they were the ones voted off the island . it was sick , living in a dog kennel . i regret putting up with it for as long as i did .
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You should not be in trouble for Mom as long as you kept trying to make sure she had access to food...but you could get in trouble for keeping a 2 year old confined to one room in what is otherwise a stinking poop and pee house. And, odors stay in the memory. You really want to have your children's earliest memories to be of filth and confimement? You are NOT supposed to get used to animal feces and fur all over the place. Why does your husband need to be so much more loyal to his mom who has already put one caregiver in an early grave than to you and his children? Maybe nearly as important - why can't the dog be trained to go outside and walked often enough by people who care about it more than the humans in their life? Why don't some of those people brush the dog so it sheds less? WHY did ANYONE "have to" GIVE UP THEIR LIFE, in your SILs case, literally, to try to maintain a person who never learned to take care of themself and yet has free rein to run things as they see fit, which is not fit at all. If someone is physically or mentally disabled and can't take care of themself, it may not their fault, and having a loving caregiver committed to taking care of them WHO IS ALSO IN CHARGE of the situation is a real gift all around, but situations like this are not blessing anyone.

YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY IN THIS!!!!! Quit feeling so sorry for him (OK, sure I feel sorry for him too, it sucks to see your mom like this and acknowledge the severity of the situation) and start feeling more sorry for your kids, and maybe yourself. He doesn't want to break her heart?? He'll ruin your lives and the kids' early years, which only come once, though?? Look around, if your regular home you would normally live in is too far away, is there a relatively inexpensive residential hotel nearby you could live in while hubby gets done what he needs to do, if he needs that much of a push to get it done? Just pack and go if you have talked til you are blue in the face and nothing is done. You can visit him and he can visit you there when brother comes over or if you can get any other respite. And if MIL goes into a care facility, you can both visit her and the kids could have a pleasant memory or two of the situation, instead of what they have now.
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Why didn't you bring MIL to live with you in YOUR home?

Something is very strange about this arrangement, in my opinion. The day I'd bring my two-year-old child into this environment would be a very cold day in hell.

To let you know MY advice, if I knew who you were, I'd call Child Protective Services.
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Walk out the door today.

My sister died taking care of our mother and at the rate you are going, your MIL will out live you, too.
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Back in Feb, your intentions were good, and you saw the extra benefit of living rent free. Six months later if the place is a pig pen, don't blame anyone but the gal in the mirror. I take it you have no furniture either, since you are sitting on hers. The decision for a nursing home belongs to her sons, you knew this at the beginning. If she goes into a nursing home, the house goes to Medicaid.
So start looking and start planning, because you are moving soon, like it or not.
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Take your children and get OUT. No conditions, no waiting, no excuses.
MIL needs to be in a nursing home and attended by a doctor.
Your husband can figure it out at this point, but as others have said... The very devil himself would not keep my children in a nasty place like that. Small children and dementia patients do not go together.

Your poor teenager. This is hell on earth to him, I promise. Not having a clean home to come to with friends is affecting him, I promise you that. You will reap his resentment if you don't end this ridiculousness.

Living somewhere else doesn't equal divorce, but those children are #1 to you. Look at what you are doing to them - it will be real & permanent damage, which is cruel in its own way.
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Is the dog old and incontinent or young & untrained? Lordy I would not want to inherit that floor replacement. That kind of thing can't be cleaned with soap & water. You have to get an enzymatic like anti-icky-poo, and soak the underlayment & subfloor with it. It can take a long time, and you still end up having to replace the floor, not just carpet.

Personally, that dog would go tomorrow if I were there. One way or another.

Get yourself & the younguns situated, and then maybe you can help,your husband take care of one thing at a time.
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Go back to your own home with your children. Please take your kids to their doctor to make sure they haven't developed any infections from living in these unsanitary conditions. Your first duty is to your children. I feel sorry for your husband, but he'll have an easier decision if you and the children are not there. His choice will let you see where his priorities lie and you can make YOUR choices after he reveals his character by his actions. You might call Adult Protective Services after you are out of mils home. They may be of assistance in getting your husband to see the light.
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If your mil says she cannot see the dog mess, yet moves about the house OK,
then she could have Macular Degeneration, the Wet form, being the worse,
where central vision is lost, with just an outer ring of fuzzy vision, giving her
enough fuzzy sight to navigate the house, cook meals, etc.
I have the Dry form which still gives me Central Vision so I can still drive
and read the mail OK
Best to You !!
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ps = I like the other answers! including help for her =
Called Placement in my SG = she goes to some kind
of living where she is helped, a senior residence of
some kind, and there are businesses in CA that
specialize in this, with some kind of government help =
Assessment is made as to health, income, etc and a
Placement plan is suggested, with any payment for
this Placement service made by the place she ends up
living at =
This is how it is done here, have no idea of other
states and cities = there also is low income Section 8
housing, and low income help = Key is finding the
RIGHT person who knows how she might fit in with
whatever programs and services are in your area =
Plus lots of good ideas here, Ggod Luck !!
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Do you realize you can be brought up on counts of elder abuse for having her live in a nasty house and for child abuse for allowing your child to live in the same home? Leave today - go to a hotel, that other house a relative's. Just go. You can meet hubby at McDonald's and explain that you realized this and you are out of there. You love him dearly, but he has to make a choice between taking care of his family or the woman who gave him birth. "Leave and cleave." Family abuse is never allowable. Move you and the kiddos today!
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Bethy; the biggest thing here is that you don't understand what the rules and regulations regarding Elder Abuse are. You think that you and your husband are going to be arrested for manslaughter because MIL won't eat. In fact, you are in much worse danger for exposing your 2 year old to this filthy environment. You need to leave for the health of your children. You need to contact either APS or the Area council on Aging and ask them to do a wellness check. They can advise you about what can be done and what your legal responsiblilities are. Alternatively, you can consult an Elder Care attorney. But I wouldn't do ANY of that while your children remain in the house. This is a situation in which I believe that knowledge is power. By knowing the law, and by reporting the situation yourselves, you do a great deal of CYA! If "something" happens; a fall, she blacks out or some such emergency, call 911 and have the ambulance transport to the hospital. When they want to dishcarge her, don't "accept delivery". Tell them (quite honestly) that you can no longer care for her at home. They will find her an appropriate placement.
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Leave that house. Take the children. Hubby can stay behind to make some arrangements for Mother. Then he can join you or not, as you decide.
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Everyone has their own idea of "sanitary". Ever been to an Amish or Mennonite farm late Saturday afternoon? The children have been bathed and are scooting around the barn in the straw/dung while their parents hand milk the cows. No-one ever died from it.

Most of us here are on the elderly side ourselves. Think back to your childhood. In those days (that makes me sound ancient lol) we fell of our bikes, played in the dirt (and often ate it) and in most/many cases there were dogs, cats, birds and other critters in the home - outside maybe pigs, cows, horses, chickens, ducks and what have you. No-one ever died of a little dirt but we ate "real" food, often home grown without pesticides and most everything was made from scratch, not processed to death and full of chemicals like you find in a supermarket now.

Neighbours grow most of their own food and keep chickens. They've always lived that way. He's 84, she's 86 and fitter than I've ever been. My mother is in a NH and has (proudly) been a vegetarian for years - eating fruit and veg from the store, imported and sprayed to death with lord knows what. She's had Parkinsons for 15 years, has had dementia for about 8 years and is close to passing. Makes you think doesn't it?

Me, yep, played in the dirt and always had critters. I now live out in the country with 2 dogs (one, formerly my mother's, sleeps in my bed), 5 cats and a big old goldfish called Ralph. Trying to renovate this poor little old house a room or two at a time and deal with 2 acres, my house is a disaster with stuff everywhere, dust, dog hair and cat hair right now. Am I terribly ill? H*ll no!

In the past week my mother has had another stroke and another fall. I was at the NH this morning and went to shop for her needs/wants, then I mowed for 3 hours with the tractor. The dust, and pet hair? It's not going anywhere - tomorrow is another day - and I've always been as healthy as a horse, no allergies, never go to a doctor..

I'm rambling, sorry, but my point is that a bit of dirt in whatever form never killed anyone ... it's the chemicals in/on our food supply that is making people so ill. Just my two penny worth.
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I'm sorry, Ash. Dog urine and feces inside a home, an elder who won't ever bathe or allow her clothes to be washed is by definition squalor. Farm animals who are herbivores and outside in barns are a different story than a meat eating canine indoors. You can eat off the floors in an Amish home. Dirt is one thing. This is impetigo and dysentery waiting to happen.
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Ba8alou, we`re all entitled to our opinions. Have you spent a lot of time in an Amish home ... I doubt it, as they shun :`the English`. Failing to bathe or do laundry, yep that`s a problem which must be addressed, however if she wont bathe maybe she`s afraid of falling. When I bought this wee dilapidated cottage it had a huge whirlpool (didn`t work) tub which, with a hip replacement I was afraid to get into. Sponge bathed for over a year until I could afford to have it replaced with a shower. We do the best we can with what we have.

My mother used pee pads for her little dog but put them down wrong way up so the pee poured off into the carpets. Once she went to the NH I spent $12,000 on paint and carpets to get the house ready for sale. I cared for my mother in her house for four years - she had another four years in her house with her beloved dog (which now lives with me, dog people, and is house clean). Impetigo (I have no idea what that is) and dysentery is usually only seen in third world countries where the water is contaminated and filthy. It`s unknown in North America.
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I think the first thing I would do is hire a cleaning lady and help her clean the house from top to bottom.. yes.. HELP her! And I would do the darn laundry weather MIL wanted it or not. It WOULD get done. Then I would tackle getting MOM a bath, with Hubs help if needed. rules would be made... Someone needs to be the "bad guy" and I guess it will have to be you, for the childrens sake. I would tell her any dang fiblet needed to get this done. And there would be a dog walking schedule for MOM!! Or the dog would "disappear" to another home or a no kill shelter. you could tell her you heard there might be a "home inspection". whatever it takes. And she can pay for the cleaner.. And actually we do have impetigo and "dysentery "in the good old USA... I suspect she is referring to what we like to call "the runs"... which can also be known as C=diff here.. and it's comman and nasty and comunicable.
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https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/neglect/chapterfive.cfm
Look in the Unmet physical & mental needs section. Point #5 specifically asks about urine & feces covered living areas. There are links to other assessment instruments that look into the whole family arrangement, where the child sleeps, plays, and their overall development. Something to keep in mind.
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Ashlynne I think you raise a good point about differing standards of cleanliness. My take is that bethy13 obviously has a very different standard than her MIL does. Why should her wishes about the environment she raises her children in be less regarded than those of MIL? Her husband's sister died and so they "had" to move in with mom. What? What kind of rule is that? This is as much about husband's mis-placed priorities as it is about what constitutes sanitary conditions.
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This page has a link to a word document used to assess squalor in cases of senile squalor/Diogenes Syndrome. It's the Environmental Cleanliness & Clutter Scale. This Catholic charity in Australia has a great toolkit to deal with a situation like this. If you google Diogenes Syndrome or Senile Squalor, there are lots of studies that come up linking it to frontal brain damage.
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Bethy13,

YOU and your kids should not have to be the ones dealing with your MIL. Your husband needs to step up and do something. You need to address this with him. Help him make the right moves. Living in the condition is NOT healthy for anyone. Their are diseases that you can get just from breathing the crap....

I'm sure you cannot smell yourself, but as you are out and about, people can smell YOU!!! I'm very sensitive to smells and I have been around with "young" people smelling like pee or mothballs.

-ALL of you need to move out, and leave the MIL in the house alone.
-Get Merry Maids or someone who specializes in clearing and cleaning the house.
-Either get a dog trainer, or give the dog away to someone who can take care of it.
- Get a CARETAKER for your MIL. It's cheaper than a NH. This way the caregiver can take care of your MIL. If you get a good one he/she can even cook for her and take care of the dog...providing the dog is trained.
You can probably get away with a caregiver 8-12, and 5-9 pm. This way you can keep the cost down.

If none of this works then NH it IS!

I cannot see any other options in your situation.
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Sandwich43plus is right. Senile Squalor really fits what this grandmother is doing. It is relatively common for old people to get to the point where they won't bathe, won't allow people in their homes to clean or take care of them, and are so paranoid that every time something happens they call 911 and report their family for some crime they saw on tv that was mixed with reality in their confused minds.

You have to remove yourself and your children to make them safe, then find a way to force her hand so she has to be admitted to the ER (if she says she will kill herself or others, that works for a psych eval). Once she's in the ER, you refuse to bring her home, and make the hospital social worker find a placement for her. Then your husband can blame social worker and he's off the hook to mom.
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Well, folks we may have run off bethy13. Profile is real skimpy, closed to hugs and messages. If you see this, Bethy, we're still thinking about you and hoping there is a light at the end of your tunnel that's not an oncoming train.
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