I'm considering leaving my husband because I can't stand his elderly Mom. Am I wrong?

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My sister in law, that lived with my mil, died in February of this year so we had to move in with my mil. She's 80 years old and can't live alone. I believe she has alzheimers, but she hasn't been to a doctor for years now so she's never been diagnosed. My mil refuses to bathe and I'm disgusted by this! She has a little dog in the house and it's never been house trained so it uses the bathroom all over the house, and she claims she can't see to clean it up. The "I can't see" line is used every time it's convenient for her, but she sees just fine! The "I can't see" line is also used every time she uses the bathroom and leaves her mess all over the toilet. She doesn't want us to wash her clothes! This place stinks! She sneaks around a lot, goes through our stuff, and takes things out of our bedroom. We've had to install locks on our bedroom door and my 16 year old sons door to keep her out.The biggest issue is the dog. I hate that dog! We try to get my mil to eat. but she wants to give it to the dog. We buy steak, cut it up for her, and she gives it all to the dog. We go buy her a Sonic burger, she takes 2 bites and gives the rest to the dog. Everything we give her, she gives to the dog.My husband has told her to stop, but she sneaks and does it anyway. She's doesn't want to eat anything but sweets. She's going to die and we will be blamed, but we can't get her to eat! Let me say, before we moved in here, I cared a lot for this woman, but not anymore. We have been here for about 7 months now, and I've never even sat on her furniture because it's too nasty. We live in our bedroom, because we can't stand to be in the front of the house. I go to my mothers house to cook our supper because I'm disgusted by the smell here. The absolute worst part, the part I have cried myself to sleep over more than once, is I have a 2 year old little boy that's being raised in one room. We can't let him go into the living room, down the hall, or in the kitchen because of that nasty dog. When we 1st moved in I kept the floors swept and mopped because of the dog using the bathroom. But I could sweep and mop and 5 minutes later there's puddles of dog urine. I decided the dog didn't need a clean floor to piss in. My husband or mil cleans up after the dog, and I stay back here trying to entertain a 2 year old. I'm so tired of these bedroom walls. I've begged my husband to send her to a nursing home, but he says he can't until her mind is completely gone because she's always told them to never put her in one. Everyday I think about leaving, but I don't want to take my son away from his daddy. I know I sound like the bad guy in all this, maybe I am, but I can't take this. I'm suppose to make sure my kids grow up in a clean environment and now I've brought them into this hell. What do I do? Do I leave my husband? Do I keep pressuring him about the nursing home? Or do I just keep living in this bedroom, for possibly another 5-10 years, and wait for life to be normal again?

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You should not be in trouble for Mom as long as you kept trying to make sure she had access to food...but you could get in trouble for keeping a 2 year old confined to one room in what is otherwise a stinking poop and pee house. And, odors stay in the memory. You really want to have your children's earliest memories to be of filth and confimement? You are NOT supposed to get used to animal feces and fur all over the place. Why does your husband need to be so much more loyal to his mom who has already put one caregiver in an early grave than to you and his children? Maybe nearly as important - why can't the dog be trained to go outside and walked often enough by people who care about it more than the humans in their life? Why don't some of those people brush the dog so it sheds less? WHY did ANYONE "have to" GIVE UP THEIR LIFE, in your SILs case, literally, to try to maintain a person who never learned to take care of themself and yet has free rein to run things as they see fit, which is not fit at all. If someone is physically or mentally disabled and can't take care of themself, it may not their fault, and having a loving caregiver committed to taking care of them WHO IS ALSO IN CHARGE of the situation is a real gift all around, but situations like this are not blessing anyone.

YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY IN THIS!!!!! Quit feeling so sorry for him (OK, sure I feel sorry for him too, it sucks to see your mom like this and acknowledge the severity of the situation) and start feeling more sorry for your kids, and maybe yourself. He doesn't want to break her heart?? He'll ruin your lives and the kids' early years, which only come once, though?? Look around, if your regular home you would normally live in is too far away, is there a relatively inexpensive residential hotel nearby you could live in while hubby gets done what he needs to do, if he needs that much of a push to get it done? Just pack and go if you have talked til you are blue in the face and nothing is done. You can visit him and he can visit you there when brother comes over or if you can get any other respite. And if MIL goes into a care facility, you can both visit her and the kids could have a pleasant memory or two of the situation, instead of what they have now.
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Go back to your own home with your children. Please take your kids to their doctor to make sure they haven't developed any infections from living in these unsanitary conditions. Your first duty is to your children. I feel sorry for your husband, but he'll have an easier decision if you and the children are not there. His choice will let you see where his priorities lie and you can make YOUR choices after he reveals his character by his actions. You might call Adult Protective Services after you are out of mils home. They may be of assistance in getting your husband to see the light.
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If she cannot live alone perhaps an assisted living community would be best for her. I'm curious as to why you "had to move in with her".

As far as the dog is concerned, it's not its fault. It just doesn't know any better and with the over feeding is probably obese and likely to have health issues. I inherited my mother's little dog when she went into a nursing home - obese, obnoxious and not particularly house clean, but now slim, sweet and 100% clean. It's not animals, it's the people that have them.
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Why didn't you bring MIL to live with you in YOUR home?

Something is very strange about this arrangement, in my opinion. The day I'd bring my two-year-old child into this environment would be a very cold day in hell.

To let you know MY advice, if I knew who you were, I'd call Child Protective Services.
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It sounds like your husband has chosen the care of his mother to be more important than you and your 2 year old. He either needs to put her in a nursing home or you need to leave. It sounds like to me if adult protective services or a social worker were to evaluate life in that house that your MIL would become a ward of the state and removed from the house and placed in a nursing home.
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Walk out the door today.

My sister died taking care of our mother and at the rate you are going, your MIL will out live you, too.
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Back in Feb, your intentions were good, and you saw the extra benefit of living rent free. Six months later if the place is a pig pen, don't blame anyone but the gal in the mirror. I take it you have no furniture either, since you are sitting on hers. The decision for a nursing home belongs to her sons, you knew this at the beginning. If she goes into a nursing home, the house goes to Medicaid.
So start looking and start planning, because you are moving soon, like it or not.
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I'm sorry, Ash. Dog urine and feces inside a home, an elder who won't ever bathe or allow her clothes to be washed is by definition squalor. Farm animals who are herbivores and outside in barns are a different story than a meat eating canine indoors. You can eat off the floors in an Amish home. Dirt is one thing. This is impetigo and dysentery waiting to happen.
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Bethy; the biggest thing here is that you don't understand what the rules and regulations regarding Elder Abuse are. You think that you and your husband are going to be arrested for manslaughter because MIL won't eat. In fact, you are in much worse danger for exposing your 2 year old to this filthy environment. You need to leave for the health of your children. You need to contact either APS or the Area council on Aging and ask them to do a wellness check. They can advise you about what can be done and what your legal responsiblilities are. Alternatively, you can consult an Elder Care attorney. But I wouldn't do ANY of that while your children remain in the house. This is a situation in which I believe that knowledge is power. By knowing the law, and by reporting the situation yourselves, you do a great deal of CYA! If "something" happens; a fall, she blacks out or some such emergency, call 911 and have the ambulance transport to the hospital. When they want to dishcarge her, don't "accept delivery". Tell them (quite honestly) that you can no longer care for her at home. They will find her an appropriate placement.
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Take your children and get OUT. No conditions, no waiting, no excuses.
MIL needs to be in a nursing home and attended by a doctor.
Your husband can figure it out at this point, but as others have said... The very devil himself would not keep my children in a nasty place like that. Small children and dementia patients do not go together.

Your poor teenager. This is hell on earth to him, I promise. Not having a clean home to come to with friends is affecting him, I promise you that. You will reap his resentment if you don't end this ridiculousness.

Living somewhere else doesn't equal divorce, but those children are #1 to you. Look at what you are doing to them - it will be real & permanent damage, which is cruel in its own way.
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