My 93-year-old mother was an artist in her time. She has this idea that she took a portfolio of work in a cab to a friend's house. This is not true. She can't stop obsessing about it, and I don't know what to say.
"I live with my 93-year-old mother. She is getting confused and putting a ton of toilet paper in the toilet. Last week we had $6000 worth of damage and tonight the toilets clogged again. She was an artist and has this fixed idea that she took a portfolio of her work in a cab to a friend's house and it is lost. She wants me to call all these cab companies."
Your profile doesn't say she has a diagnosis of dementia, yet this is what it can look like.
Are you the PoA for your Mom? If so, I would read the document to see what activates your authority to make decisions in her own best interests.
Then I would get her in for a full physical to discount any other heath issues that can mimic dementia -- a UTI in particular, which is treatable with antibiotics. Once there they can also perform a cognitive and memory test.
In the meantime here are some rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:
1) Agree, do not argue
2) Divert, do not attempt to reason
3) Distract, do not shame
4) Reassure, do not lecture
5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”
6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”
7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”
8) Ask, do not demand
9) Encourage, do not condescend
10) Reinforce, never force
The overall goals should be to:
1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible (because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)
2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people
3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing
4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid burnout.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you sort through next steps with your Mom.
Is she able/interested/willing to use any kind of materials to do new work? She may be craving her prior artistic experiences, without being able to verbalize her feelings precisely.
After she recovered from her second COVID attack, we discovered that my LO was enjoying adult coloring books, and for a while she was peaceful with them using large crayons.
ANY materials that she might be able to use would be worth a try.
Maybe start by asking her what she’d like to use to replace the “missing” portfolio?
ALSO- if you happen to be near a college with a good sized fine arts program, look into geriatric art therapy. You may be able to hire a compassionate student who would enjoy working with her.
It sounds like a loop in her mind that she keeps returning to. Perhaps at one time it was a fear of hers that she would lose her portfolio and all her work. Or it may have happened to someone else or she may have seen it in a movie or read it in a book. Regardless, it is real to her. Just tell her you will call when the cab company is open and then change the subject. Or you can say the dispatcher has to wait for all the drivers to get back in and then they will call you. Just say whatever calms her and then change the subject. Do not try to convince her that she is wrong, just assure her you are on the job but for now let’s watch the favorite show or have lunch or whatever you can distract her with. You must not let it upset you. After awhile she will forget about the portfolio and come up with something else. You can say the same thing each time as she will not remember. I’m sorry she has dementia and is confused. Try watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to see if you pick up some ideas on how to help your mom.
About the toilet, I purchased my DH aunt one of the toilets that claim to be able to flush a bucket of golf balls. It solved the problem for her. Too much TP is another one of those common issues your mom will hopefully get through after awhile.
"I live with my 93-year-old mother. She is getting confused and putting a ton of toilet paper in the toilet. Last week we had $6000 worth of damage and tonight the toilets clogged again.
She was an artist and has this fixed idea that she took a portfolio of her work in a cab to a friend's house and it is lost. She wants me to call all these cab companies."
Your profile doesn't say she has a diagnosis of dementia, yet this is what it can look like.
Are you the PoA for your Mom? If so, I would read the document to see what activates your authority to make decisions in her own best interests.
Then I would get her in for a full physical to discount any other heath issues that can mimic dementia -- a UTI in particular, which is treatable with antibiotics. Once there they can also perform a cognitive and memory test.
In the meantime here are some rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:
1) Agree, do not argue
2) Divert, do not attempt to reason
3) Distract, do not shame
4) Reassure, do not lecture
5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”
6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”
7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”
8) Ask, do not demand
9) Encourage, do not condescend
10) Reinforce, never force
The overall goals should be to:
1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible
(because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)
2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people
3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing
4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid burnout.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you sort through next steps with your Mom.
Perhaps you can introduce that as a positive, something that you will cherish after she is gone, heading her in that direction as a special request.
Is she able/interested/willing to use any kind of materials to do new work? She may be craving her prior artistic experiences, without being able to verbalize her feelings precisely.
After she recovered from her second COVID attack, we discovered that my LO was enjoying adult coloring books, and for a while she was peaceful with them using large crayons.
ANY materials that she might be able to use would be worth a try.
Maybe start by asking her what she’d like to use to replace the “missing” portfolio?
ALSO- if you happen to be near a college with a good sized fine arts program, look into geriatric art therapy. You may be able to hire a compassionate student who would enjoy working with her.
Just tell her you will call when the cab company is open and then change the subject. Or you can say the dispatcher has to wait for all the drivers to get back in and then they will call you. Just say whatever calms her and then change the subject.
Do not try to convince her that she is wrong, just assure her you are on the job but for now let’s watch the favorite show or have lunch or whatever you can distract her with. You must not let it upset you. After awhile she will forget about the portfolio and come up with something else.
You can say the same thing each time as she will not remember.
I’m sorry she has dementia and is confused. Try watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to see if you pick up some ideas on how to help your mom.
About the toilet, I purchased my DH aunt one of the toilets that claim to be able to flush a bucket of golf balls. It solved the problem for her. Too much TP is another one of those common issues your mom will hopefully get through after awhile.
What have you said to her so far?