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Mom, 90, lives independently. She has moderate vascular dementia and refuses to move. I live 400 miles away. A long time neighbor is assisting her and I pay him. They live in a townhouse association, so Mom has neighbors on both sides. Of major concern is keeping things safe...for everyone. Neighbor checks stove/oven to make sure nothing's left on. So I was thinking the other day, would it be possible for the condo association to strongly recommend that she move closer to her daughter because of Mom's memory problems and because of the potential fire risk? We just paid over $8,000 to fix sewage line because she was cutting paper towels into squares and using them because she did not think she had any toilet paper. I will be visiting her this month and I'm hoping she'll come home with me for a week or so...and maybe we can look at some memory care facilities. But as the only child, I have no leverage. I have POA and am not willing to go for guardianship. Mom has her memory issues...but she also knows her likes and preferences. The neighbor/assistant has no peace. Mom calls or comes over at all hours. Things will only get worse with her memory and I feel I will need some authority to "force" her to make a change in her living arrangement. It's tragic to think that it might be medical or police authority...and then the other day I thought, what about the condo association. Could they push the issue in a caring way. Any thoughts or suggestions?

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The condo association could get in a lot of trouble laying down that precedent for your mother. As long as she pays her condo association bills (hint hint) they have no recourse and neither do the police or her doctors.

As regarding the neighbor who gets no peace, s/he could file a grievance against your mother with the condo association for calling and coming over at all hours but that, of course, would be the end to her making safety checks. It would, however, establish the documentation you may need in the very near future to get your mother to move.
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Her doctor has always refused to assist with diagnosis. He will "recommend" that she go to assisted living, but will only do that verbally, not in writing....to which Mom will say, "I'll think about it." In 2016 I managed to get her to a neuropsychologist for an official diagnosis. I sent the report to Mom's regular doc....who has never mentioned it. I'm pretty sure I'll be dealing with an emergency situation at some time that will force the issue. I still hold out hope that I can convince her to move to my community and join a memory care community. She is extremely independent and always has been. One day at a time. Thanks, everyone, for your comments. Over the past year, I've learned so much from AgingCare.com. Have told my psychologist to recommend it to other clients who are dealing with aging parents.
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Your profile says that Dad is in residential care, and mom visits him every day. How about moving mom where dad is? Moderate vascular dementia means the jig is up. The potty escapade proved it. Mom's lack of boundaries with the neighbor couple also proves it. (I get the sense they aren't particularly young? It's time to free them from this.) Mom's primary care doctor is a turd and a coward. Use your POA and HIPAA release to get a copy of the neuro-evaluation. And get that doctor to sign off on mom's AL or memory care. Good luck. Be firm and don't back down. This stuff sucks!
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jjmummert, the best thing to do is to stop enabling your Mom to keep living in her home.   Tell the neighbor that as of a certain date, you will be no longer paying him, and for him to ease off going to Moms to help, and explain why you are doing that.  It will be tough on the neighbor who probably likes to help, but you need to do what you can to stop the enabling.

The HOA or Condo Asso cannot get involved.  They have their own strict guidelines to follow as an Association.  I know your idea of them telling your Mom it is time to move might sound good, just cannot be done by the HOA.

Stopping payments on HOA monthly dues won't do anything.   What the HOA will do is send notices of non-payment, then the HOA would place a lien on Mom's property.

Sadly you will need to do what many of us had to do, and that is to WAIT.   Wait for a medical situation where Mom is taken to the hospital, then to Rehab, and then to senior living.   My Mom refused to move from her home, and she had a major fall where she finally had to move to long-term-care.

Keep us up-to-date on what is happening.
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Thank you, frequentflyer. Your words are wise. I understand the enabling I am doing...maybe never thought of it that way. Just thought I was helping Mom "age in place" with the neighbor's willing assistance. They have a close relationship. He's a stubborn Catholic Irishman and has a caring wife. He would never agree to not check in on her...and Mom would be calling and knocking on their door all the time anyway. I'll be visiting later in March...so I'll keep trying to plant seeds with Mom about the benefits in living in a senior community....but I understand that I most likely will be in the situation where an emergency of some kind will force the issue.
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jjmummert, be sure you see an elder law attorney located in mom's area when you go to visit. Yes, it is time to intervene and she does need a Guardian at this point. It does not have to be you; the attorney can discuss other options and getting a court ordered placement for her protection.
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Dad died in Sept. 2016. I have report from neuropsychology with diagnosis of vascular dementia. When her doc saw her last he suggested she move to assisted living. She said she'd think about it. He has not been helpful.

So...update...it's been six months since dad died. Neighbor assistant has finally had enough since his role evolved to next door caretaker with Mom knocking on his door at 2 a.m. asking if it's time for bingo. He reports she is declining and I arrived yesterday. I can see a marked decline in balance and cognitive functioning...but not in her determination to live alone. With neighbor no longer able to assist, this gives me leverage. This will begin as a normal visit and then ease into the we-need-to-live-closer-to-each-other-now-that-we-are-older-and-only-have-each-other talk. Goal is to guide her into a lovely assisted living community in my town. If I can't guide her, then I'll have local authorities come have a talk. Have to force the issue now and it likely will be extremely difficult...since there's no ability to reason on her part. I'll do the best I can as patiently and calmly as possible, but Mom's time of living independently is done. Thank you all for your input. This site is so helpful. I read through it often and have learned a lot. God bless you all.
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As a president if a condo association I understand and am sympathetic with your situation. We have come across this problem on numerous occasions. Depending on your state there are different laws. We usually turn to the family ..: sometimes we contact the State Division of Family Services and they strongly suggest the family put the aging parent in a facility. Both for the health and SAFETY of the parent and the community. Kitchen fires are a great concern... falls and injuries are common. Ddmentia does not go away it only gets worse. She should not be alone! Her neighbors will not help indefinitely What about her Meds ? And her meals? You have to do what is best for her... she is not capable of making these decisions any more. You have to take a deep breath and do what you have to do. And in time, surprisingly she may love going to a place where there are things to do and help when she needs it.
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You seem to want other people to do things in regards to your mother instead of you having to be more forceful. You might want to ponder a bit on why that is, and then get on with getting her into a better living situation.
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I don't know if this is a realistic strategy - but I expect others will weigh in. I would have a conversation with her useless MD & advise that despite his unwillingness to take a safety position with regard to your mom, you have to. Explain that as a courtesy you are giving him a heads up that, as her treating physician and in light of her diagnosis, there will be documentation he will be required to complete. He should be taking the position of standing with you - he has a duty to his patient to see that she is as well and safe as possible - not worry about upsetting her. That's just how I would handle it because I won't let them "pass the buck".
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