I posted a while ago.
Dad's wife passed in June. Her daughters decide to visit while she’s in the hospital. One stays a week post funeral, the other stays two weeks, both at HIS house. He allows this because it’s his connection to his deceased wife. They are basically strangers. Have only chatted or met a few times in 13 years. They did not visit their mom once for 13 years where he lives.
They left for maybe five weeks but came back to finish packing up stuff and keep him company. Now one daughter left after another week, the other daughter stays. It’s been several weeks now. I asked him why she is there so long, and he says, “to help me.” She’s disabled without a home, so she house sits for people.
His children all work and have kid obligations still, etc. Most of us have been in and out checking on him. So anyhow, we do a background check on the sisters. This one has a rap sheet; several thefts, a forgery, DUI, embezzlement, two bankruptcy’s, jail time and so on. We make him aware he’s a sitting duck for her. He knew some of the info but then states he believes in people having second chance. She is staying with him so who knows what she is putting in his head. My brother is POA; dad gets upset as there is no reasoning with him. She can do no wrong and is his angel. Cooks, cleans, and has time. Using him for free rent, dad buys her plane tickets, meals, clothes now. We have warned him, and he just gets upset with us. She is after his house, money, everything! We told his lawyer, doctors, and police if something happens to him look at her! She says Monday she has to leave for about a month Sat. (house sitting job back in her state) but will return in Oct “with a friend”. Well, today we get a message from her that dad is in the hospital. Took her four hours to get an ambulance in, then took five more hours for her to let family know! Find out breathing issue and hurt knee. Having the doctors talk to her first and saying she’s his daughter, a lie. Then find she’s been giving him THC gummies to help him sleep which he agreed to try all week! Anyhow, it’s a nightmare. How do we keep her away? She will come back with some friend and take over. He allows it and has his wits just some short-term memory issues. Help!
I don't think you have anything to worry about here. Health insurance companies are very strict about dependents. Dad would have to lie about her daughter status and say she is under 26 to get excepted. That would be the fraud. Also, he is on Medicare so can't be a dependent there. His other is a suppliment meaning it only pays what Medicare doesn't. So, there really is no way he can add her IMO.
This will take dad off the defensive and make you all a safe place. So if she does start driving a wedge it will be difficult. Right now, your actions are playing right into her plan, if she has bad intentions.
Your brother, as POA, can set up online monitoring and freeze dad's credit, not his accounts, just no new accounts. This is a good idea for everyone with identify theft.
There are lots of ways to monitor the situation without ever saying a word to dad or her.
The loss of his wife created a void that her daughter is filling. They have a shared memory of this woman and that brings comfort to him. You will never be able to change that.
Personally, I would monitor dad's money, stay involved and be grateful that he has a live-in that makes him feel comfortable and takes care of him for free rent, some clothes and a few airline tickets.
DO NOT let her presence make any of you stay away or be uncomfortable in your dad's home. Staying involved is the only way to beat these scammers, if that is her intention.
Maybe this is good advice. A realistic good answer.
It is what I did (stand by) when my elderly loved one was in decline.
It was not ideal.
Not perfect.
Sometimes, we choose the least worst option when that is all there is.
I sure do hope you keep a eye peeled and keep us updated. I can imagine how frightened you are for Dad, and I sympathize, but there is nothing we can do when our parents are competent, about their poor decision making.
Or hire a live-in caregiver.
And many other tricky illegal frauds and scams - things that you won't know about.
1) Check with the police if there is a warrant for her arrest in several states.
2) Hire an attorney-see if the family can put a lien on Dad's house so that a POA must be notified of a change in the Deed before any sale.
3) Copy the doctor, the hospital with her rap sheet, ask that a copy be added to Dad's medical records.
Most important, and no one has ever listened to this advice:
4) The POA should obtain a copy of the major Credit Reporting Agencies and monitor same. Anyone could be opening credit cards or obtaining loans without Dad's knowledge.
5) Put a credit freeze on Dad's accounts (Credit Profile) so it is real hard to open any new accounts without POA's knowledge. (Dad & POA should be sharing an online account that the POA monitors).
Yet, you say that Dad is already paying for: "Using him for free rent, dad buys her plane tickets, meals, clothes now." The damage/con is already happening.
Does he even know he is paying for all that?
Have you seen the cash withdrawals from his ATM card?
If you and siblings cannot be there, move in for weeks with Dad, find out about things, then you are not helping.
Report to APS that a stranger to your Dad is medicating him with a Federally illegal substance. The end.
You say he has short-term memory issues and he seems not to listen to reason...this is early signs of Dementia. Your last post said her daughters were in their 50s, I doubt if this daughter will change her spots at this point.
Is your brothers POA immediate? Then he should have no problem changing bank info. He also should have on file a copy of the Medical POA at the hospital. It should show up when they look at Dads file. That he is the first contact they make. Give the names of the step-daughters and tell the hospital that they are not his children or blood related in anyway. All Dads doctors should have MPOA on file with the same info.
If Dads POAs are Springing, you need one maybe 2 doctors or more to say that Dad is not competent to make informed decisions before its in effect. I would get Dad a full physical. A PCP can give a cognitive test but I would take him to a neurogist if any signs of Dementia are found.
POA was immediate. My brother saw dad today at the hospital. Tried to reason with dad once more about this woman staying at the house. Final word was she is being an Angel, helping a lot. Dad sees no issues ( yet) but is carefully watching his accounts. his statements , etc. Told my brother please back off. My brother said “ Ok fine but if you notice anything you have to call me dad!” Dad said he would. He isnt going to really remember this conversation next week IMO. The whole thing is bizarre. Says the family is not to bring her up again; or her sister. It is what it is. He has threatened to take us out of his will if we stir up trouble. We don’t really care truthfully but what we do care about is spending his last years with him upset and arguing or not speaking to us. So we have concluded she/ they are his business. If she takes his house, money etc that’s on him not us. A parent doesn’t owe kids anything really. I thought he would have had more consideration is all for his own kids. We won’t fight him now but when he finally passes the fight is on with her looks like.
My brother isnt going to get him
mad or upset, change accounts, lock her out etc as my dad is making his own decisions still. He manages his own $, drives, basically is taking care of himself.
'embezzlement' and 'forgery' are the most disturbing words in that long list.
Next, I don't know what state your father is in. If he's in one where pot is still illegal, I would have this step-daughter/loser/caregiver/scammer whatever she's being called, ARRESTED and there are so many things to get her on. Drug possession, distribution, elder endangerment and elder abuse. You say she has a long rap sheet and has served time already.... If she's on probation for something, next stop is the Big House for her. Please go to the cops.
I'm so sure your father likes this woman very much. She cooks and cleans and is a constant companion to him. Great. His happiness is important.
So make her an offer to become your father's live-in caregiver. She will receive a small stipend every week in cash (that your brother pays her) and she can live there rent-free and eat for free with some conditions. Like a monthly drug test. If she comes up dirty one time, vacates the house in 24 hours. No "friends" moving in and no overnight guests. You and your sibling keep a good eye on this situation if she accepts. She won't.
Your father knows what she's about but believes in second chances. She's had second, third, and forth chances. A second chance is you're arrested for a crime and go to court one time. If you've got a long rap sheet, then you don't deserve anymore chances. Put it to your father like that and let him know that it's nice of him to give her a chance. Let that chance be with the things I've mentioned like putting your brother in charge of finances and putting conditions on her living in the house.
”Pot” is legal in his state, shucks for that one. Dad said he wanted to try the Thc for sleeping reasons. Again, his choice. Im
sure she told him it works great!
Good point, I wonder if she is on probation for anything? Time for a private investigator? My brother wants dads lawyer to meet up and give him elder abuse warnings, what to look at etc. now that his wife is gone. Then it’s a professional giving advice, not us kids.
Possibly could work.
My dad put brother as POA with the understanding he can only take over or help if he’s in a coma or unable to make his own decisions. We are not there yet.
Wont matter though. Dad will be livid, she will call and complain we changed the locks, she can’t get in, and he will just give her a new key regardless.
If he’s incapacitated or passes , that’s when we spring to change locks, bank accounts ( what’s possibly left if anything) etc. It truly is a nightmare.
As dad is now in hospital, discuss this situation with the social worker and ask for an assessment of dad's judgement, not simply his memory and ability to do ADLs.
yes, pronto
(from OP) 'He knew some of the info but then states he believes in people having second chance'
I believe in that too, but second chance doesn't necessarily mean unlimited trust, with a vulnerable person in jeopardy. Second chance means being given the chance to EARN trust, rather than just being shut out permanently. The father doesn't have to be directly contradicted on this issue.