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For the past few years I have been taking care of my grandmother. After a separation, she asked me to move in and help her out (she has a two family she always kept for this reason). I cooked and did basic tasks for her, for the most part we lived a separate life until dinner. She really didn’t have a relationship with anyone in the family (as she can be, well… difficult), except my cousin, who I had asked for help with her financials (not only is he more patient then I am, I was afraid of repercussions from family in the future if I had any direct connection to financials).


About a year ago she had a stroke which quantified her dementia. I am her medical proxy and executor of her will. My cousin has power of attorney over a financial account (the main account). Since my cousin is young and at the time on unemployment, he took forefront in her care. After a while he became drunk with power and has since ignored all advice and recommendations from me. Including following my grandmother wishes.


Not only was her wish to be brought home, he has put her in an old age home, arguably a nice one, but it’s not a care facility. Now he wants to rent the house to help pay for the care facility (it’s really expensive), and may be day trading her money.


At this time, she needs 24 hour care, which I cannot afford. I want to honor her wishes to be brought home, but I’m unsure how to do this. Even to go visit is hard because I see a strong proud woman buckle and fall to tears when I enter. She looks disappointed and scared, but puts on a front for anyone else.


There is no talking, because there is money involved everyone distrusts everyone else. Not to mention my grandmother has a rare type of early onset dementia which caused her to be mean and paranoid most of her life, so she drove the family apart even more then we already were.


I am emotionally wiped out… Thank you in advance.

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If you have medical proxy, you are the one who can make decisions about where grandmother lives. Enforcing that would mean a conflict with your cousin.
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freqflyer: she was clear about staying home her entire life. She is not shy about her opinions!

Marcelle2: I will Google "guardianship board" - This is the type of advise I was looking for. An outside expertise may be able to help without starting WW3. Thank you VERY much.
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Seems to me alot of people don't understand their responsibilies of financial POA... it means acting on behalf of, in their best interests... I just can't understand why people think it means they take over another person's life with their own needs guiding their decisions. If you are concerned about your cousin (sounds reasonable you would), you could always get some advice from the guardianship board or relevant insitution as what to do. As her financial POA, he is the one who needs to cough up funds to pay for her care. If you feel he isn't doing that, it would be very reasonable to go to the authorities to explain your thoughts on the matter.
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withoutapaddle, please take note that when an elder has memory issues, when they say they want to "go home", it usually is their childhood home where life was simple and fun.

I realize you want so much to honor her wishes, but Grandmother isn't thinking clearly. And there are times when wishes cannot be granted.
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