Is it really fair to compare caregiving for an elder with the parenting of young children?

It is so difficult to look after an aging, stubborn, resentful, angry old man who weighs twice what I do, compared to looking after two babies. With a child they are helpless and we thrill with every new discovery and every new adventure. Every day brings a new skill or capability. With a 90 year old man, we despair with the loss of every faculty, every logical or rational thought.

My 91 FIL has had three falls in three days, two really serious ones. The first one was when he tried to get up to wee in the dark into a jug, (he will never go to the loo or use a urinal: it has to be a jug so he can measure it), missed the jug, wee'd all over the floor and then slipped in the urine. Will he stay in bed? Nope. Falls two and three were because he refuses to stay in bed. It is really hard getting a 90 kg man up off the floor as most of you already know. Its hard to keep them in bed when they refuse to stay there. Its hard to get them to wee in a urinal or the toilet when they have decided that it has to be a specific jug!

For me it is far worse looking after an aging man than my babies. The nappies are bigger and far messier, the aging get really vicious and angry with their care-givers and it is HARD WORK. I would get out when my babies were young, because babysitters were willing. No-one wants to look after the aged for any length of time, because they may have to change a nappy or pick them up off the floor or talk about the same thing 100 times in an hour.

Do I compare it to looking after a child? No. My children were a joy. This is not. If we could afford an alternative, he would be in an old age home.

When it comes to caregiving either for children or parents, I chose to have only two children, I never chose to be a caregiver of a disabled mother. Sorry that will be left to professionals when the time comes. I am tired of constantly being "guilted" into it as the daughter when my brother gets a complete pass on any help that is required.

There is no comparison. When you care for children you watch them develop, you guide them, you are usually relatively young and good health, and you know for certain that the day will come when they can care for themselves. When you care for elders you watch them deteriorate, your advice to them is often ignored, you are much older, weaker, and not in good health yourself, and you know they will never be able to care for themselves but equally that they might live a long time to come and you have no escape. This view that your parents looked after you as a child and therefore must be repaid, is a religious one - it's rubbish, and it totally fails to take in the bigger picture. I accept that many people do not plan to have children and that maybe in those cases they are seen as a burden, but for the vast majority of people, having children is a purposeful choice made because they want them. Nobody in their 50s, 60s, or even 70s wants to look after another person who needs daily, and maybe 24/7 care. It's a nonsense to even think that. Ageing is a process that comes to most people and we all lose certain aspects of our capabilities as we age, meaning that we are just not the same in our later years as when we were actively parenting young children. That has to be recognised by society - and by the way, let those who cast the insults at caregivers who feel they need to vent their frustration on a forum such as this, try walking a mile in their shoes. They'll soon shut up!

My sister in law complained that I didn't realize how difficult it is for her to put two young children in front of a computer for a SKYPE call with my parents. I had to get two semi-mobile elderly (87 and 96) people to the computer but I didn't say anything. I have a child, grown now, and I remember- there is NO comparison.

Ha! No such comparison. JessieBelle is right. Elders today are being kept alive because of medication and the world of medication has yet to catch up to the brain. So the mind is slipping and the heart keeps ticking. It is sad for everyone! It is a huge injustice.We raised our kids and because many of us boomers started later to have children, we slipped right into elder care and many of us did not see it coming. I never thought this would happen to my mom. If I did, I would have run for the hills and it isn't because I don't love her.

No comparison whatsoever.........completely different situations.

I agree with freqflyer. I never had children either and have been taking care of my parents for many years. They do go to a lot of doctor appointments. As they get older the list of specialists gets longer. I do complain about having to take them sometimes because I feel that is all I am doing. I get so tired of going to doctor's offices with them that I hold off on making my own appointments. I have to force myself to make an appt. for myself. I keep telling myself that I can't take care of anyone unless I take care of myself first.
It is overwhelming and physically and mentally and emotionally exhausting but I am blessed that they are still alive and are still together. Not many people my age can say that.

So glad to see this subject. There is no comparison-period!

I did not have children so I don't know what that experience is like, but it isn't the same as watching your parent fade away right before your eyes and to suffer the consequences of aging. I'm grateful for this experience with my mom, for all it has given me on so many levels. It's made me a better person, but that doesn't mean it's easy or that I don't have times I feel like I just want to pack up and leave. I recently tried to share with a couple friends the recent challenges and they said I need to accept the situation and that it's all about making her transition to the afterlife as loving as possible. Really? No kidding, so glad you told me that, I had no idea that's what it's about! It always comes from people who are not in the situation and have no experience with it. I get tired of people acting like they know what it's like when they are comfortably living their lives, doing what they want when they want. If I wasn't here with my mom there would be at least 3 shifts covering her care which isn't physically difficult, but she still cannot be alone. It is no way like raising a child. The joy comes in sweet little moments that are few. I'm fortunate I have the sweetest mom who is kind and grateful for what I am doing, thanks me everyday.

You can't really say it is the same, but it is all about responsibility. It is a great responsibility for both child rearing and care taking an elderly parent. Having taken careof an elderly parent and a sibling who are now both deceased my heart goes out to those who are caregivers and caregiving as it is a very different situation and at times heartbreaking.

I can see a comparison with being a caregiver, however that's where I think it ends. Caregiving for our parents, we are older and may have health issues of our own. We may have a family we are caring for while being a caregiver to a parent(s) so our time is divided. Children don't recognize the danger is some of their actions, neither do parents with dementia, however we still need to treat them as an adult. Adults with dementia will not learn safety issues as a child would because they no longer have that mental capacity. Assisting a parent that can weigh 100 to 200 pounds or more is certainly not the same as caring for a child of 20 pounds. You can carry a child to the doctor when they are sick, you cannot do this with a parent and it can be difficult getting a demented parent out of the house for a medical appointment. As caregivers, we need to recognize we need to care for ourselves or we won't be able to care for anyone else. Providing care to our parents can be very difficult and often times we must divide our time between our parents and our own families. I care for my dad who does not have dementia and is able to function, however when he was ill and delirious I had a small taste of what it would be like to care for a parent with dementia and it is exhausting and a 24/7 job. I see those with dementia in my job, but I'm not actively caring for them or living with them. There are programs that can help us care for our parents and every bit helps. Utilize those programs so 'those in power' know the programs are needed and maintain funding.

When society respects the caregiver in the family who does the physical, financial and emotional caregiving for parents we won't have to liken it to being a "parent".
Each family is different - no two relationships or care-giving experiences are the same. I was disgusted when our current president expressed the need for more support for parents raising children - obviously he needs to change a few adult diapers and sit in ICU. For now, all we can do on this site is be kind to others who are going through the same thing.

That is a very expensive day care. When I was in college and my 1st husband was overseas, I put my 4 year old in a church day care the 3 days a week I had classes. Check out one of those. We took my mother and step father into our home in Tennessee when she was 76. She need to go into a hospital and died there. My step father went back to Oklahoma and dropped dead in the yard at 80. My husband and I went to this funeral. The family there took care of all the arraignment. I would have looked after them both if she had lived and stayed in Tennessee.

Cat, what about the previous President who didn't want to put more funding into Alzheimer's, scientists wanted to work on stem cell research. That doesn't make sense to me because the former First Lady had been raising their children AND taking care of her father, who had Alzheimer's disease [he died in 1995].

By the way, the current President reversed the ban on stem cell research for Alzheimer's. Now science is working on trying to find new positive results from such research, which had been stalled for many years.

No - having raised kids, and also having been middle agedcaring for one 90+ in my home while doing backup for two 90+ parents in their home - I'll take a teenager I can ground any day.....

There are some comparisons between my mother caring for me and my caring for her now that she is unable to take care of herself due to dementia.
I consider it the highest honor to care for my mother full time until our waiver funds come available to hire home health care help. At that point I'll be able to return to work. In the meantime I'm there for her everyday, helping her in anyway I can: bathing, preparing meals, dressing her, getting exercise, taking her to appointments and fun outings, keeping her safe. I'm fortunate that her sister and brother help me with days off and my brother sends money when our funds get low.
I've made many large sacrifices in order to provide care for her. As her son I feel obligated to care for her in her time of need. It won't be forever. But I'll lovingly make the sacrifices until the financial help is available. At some point she'll need hospice care I'm sure. But until that point my mother will live out her remaining time in her own home, surrounded by her loved ones daily.
She made sacrifices for me when I was born now it's my turn to make sacrifices for her. Her care is my responsibility, not strangers in a nursing home. She didn't give me up for adoption when I was born. So why should I throw her away now in her time of need? Taking care of her is difficult sometimes and always emotionally taxing because I know she's terminally ill. But that's no excuse to turn my back on the woman who gave me life and loved and nurtured me throughout my childhood.
I read through about 10 of the responses in this thread and I had to stop because it was so upsetting to read how some of you regard your terminally ill parents. It's as if some of you are offended they are sick and need help. As if your parents are some stranger on the street who stole something from you or assaulted you. The anger and resentment that some of you portray is heartbreaking.
I wish your parents all the best in whatever care they are placed in. Parents are treasures.
It's unfortunate that in this country the elderly are throwaways. Senior facilities are jam packed with parents whose children decided to give them to strangers to raise because the children couldn't be inconvenienced.

Spg210, think about it, how many senior citizen employees do you see at the continuing care facilities? There's a good reason you don't see them, those of us who are seniors trying to help our much elder seniors don't have the energy.

I, myself, have my own age related decline. And I have half the energy I had back when I was 50. If I had to give my all to my parents, they would outlive me. My parents would get far better care at a facility then if I had to take care of them.

I agree with all previous 45 comments, more doctors needed, more medication, decay and sadness instead of the joy of a newborn, depression vs happiness, heavy vs relatively light to carry, high vs low nursing costs... To stay positive we can look at the few glimpses of wit and humour. In my case, dementia makes me repeat things more and more often, there are more and more questions and caring is increasingly exhausting, whereas children retain knowledge, learn straight away or at least after repeating a few times. Their behaviour is also predictable and coherent; with elderly we see new situations every week and continuously need to find solutions to new problems.
Thank you all for your support, hang in there.

Ok, my sister thinks since I have no children and never had children and she raised two kids, that I am the one who is supposed to be taking care of my mother and quit my job and sell my house. I did quit my job and sold my house, but she never had to do this for her children or now for my mother. I'm disabled and my sister won't help she won't even visit my mother except for on holidays. She says I live her for free. Do you think she has an excuse not to help out because she's married and I'm single and she raised 2 children and I didn't. Is it fair for me to do everything and her do nothing and she still get half of the house and contents? I quit my job and sold my house I don't feel I have a financial future because of this and without help I don't know if I can take care of my mother till death I have all these physical problems which my sister doesn't.

spg, you should have read all the answers. The top 10 just struck at the core of emotions, so tended to get the most likes. This thread has been more about how childcare and eldercare differ. Eldercare is harder and more expensive than childcare. That is the take-home message of the thread. After many years, caregivers are exhausted.

CareTaker7, your post raises very valid points! No, your sister was wrong that since you don't have any children and she raised two children that you should be the one doing the older adult care which is so different than raising babies and young children.

Frankly, your sister successfully emotionally blackmailed you into the choices that you made.

It is so typical on this site to hear family members tell the one single person or the one who never had children that their lot in life is to take care of their parents because they have all of this free time and then they turn around and tell the same relative that they are getting to live with their parents for free. Bull! Another line of emotional blackmail. I'm sorry that you have various physical problems and you may well be correct that you may not be physically able to take care of your mother till death, plus by that time you may not be able to emotionally either.

What health issues and needs does your mother have that she needs your help with right now?

Does your mother have any money with which she could pay for some caregivers to come in and give you a break. I think if have not already that you need to protect your money form the sale of your house for your own future. You are in a very dependent emotional environment being back in your mother's home. You need your own geographical space for your own good.

Spg210 said: "It's unfortunate that in this country the elderly are throwaways. Senior facilities are jam packed with parents whose children decided to give them to strangers to raise because the children couldn't be inconvenienced."

Now wait just a minute, buddy. Them's fightin' words.

First of all, parents do not need "raising." They are all ready all grown up, for better or for worse. They need care. Sometimes more specialized care than their children have skill for. Sometimes more exhaustive care than their children have energy for. My mother has never been an "inconvenience" in my life. She is a two-person transfer with a PAL machine. She hates the idea of being a "burden" to her children and is much happier to have paid staff change her than to have her adult children do it. [This is not my theory. She talked about it long before she became disabled.] She has no money for the round-the-clock assistance she would need at home. I have no money after spending ten years taking care of my husband with dementia, including through the hospice journey. How dare you call her a throwaway! What do you know of the elders in those senior facilities you so despise?

You certainly are entitled to make any sacrifices you care to for your mother. But where to do you get off saying that placing a parent in a care center is throwing them away? I assure that my siblings and I have NOT thrown our mother away.

How nice for you that your mother was loving and nurturing. Unfortunately that is not universal. How lucky that you have other relatives to help out emotionally and even financially. That is not as common as you would expect.

I am glad for you that you get to make a decision that makes you feel good. Just please do not come here spouting how superior your decision is and that people who make other decisions just "couldn't be inconvenienced."

Baloney, buddy. Baloney.

(Can anyone tell this is a hot button for me?)

Yes and that button is so hot that I can feel the heat rising form it through the internet as far away as North Carolina!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No comparison at all. I remember someone saying to me well since you don't have kids, your parents are like your kids. I said really, children grow and become independent, we all know how caregiving ends.

If a child falls you can pick the child up, try doing that with an adult who weighs 140 pounds and is dead weight.

Someone mentioned Dr. appts, who goes to the doctor more than the elderly?

People who make that comparison are clueless, but than I really think unless you have done "hands on" caregiving of an elderly parent, they don't get it.

Spg, caring for someone, whether a child or parent, is a journey unique to each person and ever changing. There are no one size fits all answers and there are many factors known only to those living the journey. So, I find judgments from people outside of the care circle and rigid, dogmatic pronouncements from those who feel they have the one true answer to be inappropriate. I don't know how long you've been caring for your mom, but my sister and I suddenly had to assume managing and caring for our parents when we were in our 30's. Dad had a panic attack while driving, we learned he'd been diagnosed with Alzheimer's months earlier. From that point on, our mom regarded it as our responsibility to take care of them. She was healthy and capable of taking care of their affairs, but she just pulled back. Dad was moved to a NH a few years later as his care needs increased, and with young families, jobs, we couldn't take on that care. We adored him and it was incredibly painful to make this step, even knowing it was what he needed. Thrown away? Absolutely not. We moved our mom into our homes, she had every need and most wants tended to. But then her health changed and once again, we were assessing options based the hand we were dealt. This now included husbands with illnesses, our own physical limitations and the huge struggle involved in getting care for a woman who refused to cooperate with every step of getting her care. Your mom may have been loving and supportive, mine was indifferent and emotionally abusive. And yet, she lived with us for 18 years because we cared. She's in a NH now, because a team of medical specialists detained she need that level of care. Thrown away? Again, absolutely not. Is it ideal? No. But my sister and I are now worn from all the years of care, and my caregiving journey will continue with my husband.

So as you encounter other people grappling with the elder care journey, remember to treat them kindly as fellow travelers whose burdens and pain you do not know.

I don't think spg has been doing it for long. This was his first post and no profile information was filled out. He said he is taking care of his mother until money comes through, then professionals are coming in. He sounds like he has it worked out ideally.

Jeanne, I thought about you when I was reading his message. As Linda wrote, everyone's journey is different. cmag, I could even feel the heat off Jeanne's message down here in Alabama!

I just realized that the way that caregiving is the same for parents and children is that sometimes people get judgmental and self righteous about the "right" way to do things being their way! How well I remember other mothers criticizing me for every little choice I made- to stay home, to go back to work, to breastfeed for X amount of time, feed organic food, etc. The same has happened with my mom with Alzheimer's living in my home- some people (not on this forum) have attacked me for NOT putting her in a facility. The truth is that my mom can afford quality care in my home . I admire those who do the care themselves a GREAT deal but I probably would not have the patience if I did not have paid help. If she did not have the money for 24/7 home help, then I probably would have put her in a facility after my dad died. I still do a lot of stuff for her- doctor appointments, financial management, ordering meds, supervising the care arrangements, taking her out weekly to dinner and events, buying her groceries, etc. I don't mind any of that. Anyway, other posters are right- each person's journey is different and if there is genuine caring for another person's well being, that is the most important thing. Of course, some education is helpful too!

CareTaker7, I am exactly in the same situation, with a knee injury. Isn't it so deceiving to see siblings ignore the problems that they can't solve, use their children as an excuse and take advantage of the generous who take care of their elderly, disabled with handicap. Such low ethics and absence of morals are making me want to part from them. She also uses the phrase "I have to care for my family" as if her mother and brother were not part of her family. Fine by me, at this point there is a breach in relationships and bloodline. How disappointing to see everyone turn around when we're holding the hot potatoe, as if they'd turn to stone by looking into Medusa's eyes; ignoring the problem they can never handle or solve is the only escape for little selfish people, so they disappear in shame.

I'm not a caregiver so it is difficult to be 100% sure. I simply read this site to get a feel for what might lie ahead as I am nearly 50 and my parents are about 75. My parents are both in good health and are active--and they both have partners who are also in good health and are active--but eventually age must catch up to them.

From what I'm reading here, though, being a caregiver cannot be compared to being a young parent taking care of children. A parent of minor children has great responsibility but is also given nearly absolute power to make all the decisions needed to support that responsibility: The parent of minor children chooses where to live, what clothes the children wear, what activities they may or may not participate in, who they may or may not associate with, what chores they need to do around the house, and so on. Of course the parent must use that power responsibly--they cannot legally abuse their children--but the parent always has the final word.

By contrast a caregiver for an elder seems to also have great responsibility but it seems to be a role that comes with little power. At least as I'm beginning to understand it, a caregiver has no power whatsoever to force an elder to keep doctor appointments--but they can be arrested for elder abuse if they don't get the elder needed medical help. That's a situation that, to me, seems fundamentally very unjust.

In thinking about my own parents' aging--like I say, we aren't yet at the position where caregiving is needed but I want to think ahead--I'm not guided by how they treated me when I was a kid, which I do not believe to be comparable. I'm guided instead by how my parents approached caring for their parents (my grandparents) as my grandparents aged. My parents didn't just abandon my grandparents--they did provide some support. But they were also very careful not to accept or be talked into taking on a 24x7 caregiver role. They understood that if someone had reached the point where they need 24x7 care, that care needs to be professional in nature--it is clearly no longer a do it yourself project. And they left that job, wisely, to professionals.

Of course everyone's situation is different and not everyone will come to the same conclusions. But I'm increasingly feeling that being a caregiver is a very unfair position to be in, and not something that can be justified by "well, the parents took care of you as a kid". The caregiver role is one that my parents themselves carefully avoided when the question came up with my grandparents.

David, you really hit the nail on the head! Being a caregiver for an adult is a really d..d if you do, d..d, if you don't situation. When I petitioned for guardianship of my mother with three doctors signing letters that she was no longer competent, I was not treated like a daughter that was taking excellent care of her aging mother, but like a criminal. I was accused by everyone, including my own lawyer, of "trying to take her rights away" and the assumption was made that somehow I was doing this for financial gain, when I already had POA and handled all her finances. I am still being scrutinized for every dollar spent on her care and every doctor visit instead of receiving support and encouragement. Still I am secure in knowing I am doing the right thing.