Is it really fair to compare caregiving for an elder with the parenting of young children?

I know exactly what you mean. I remember back when I was grumbling about driving my parents, a co-worker said that I should remember all the times that my parents drive me around when I was a child..... I reminded her that "my parents weren't senior citizens when I was a child, big difference". Now at my age I have only half the energy of someone in their 30's. I can be found napping in front of the TV, too :P

Plus young people look forward to that new bundle of joy, who's mind wasn't already set, the child evolves into an adult with all new skills so they can go out on their own... we can be proud and very happy. An elderly parent who has age decline or memory issues is going backwards... it breaks our heart.

No comparison whatsoever. When I was taking care of three unreasonable under the age of 4, no one was telling me that they had the right to decide where they wanted to live. They would have all been in the in the Elephant House at the Prospect Park Zoo.

It's apples and oranges in my mind. To me, raising my children and caring for my parents are completely different situations. I love my parents and will be there for them but I will never feel the same sense of responsibility I did for my children. If others see it as the same then that would be their view, not the right view or the wrong one but their view. We all come from different circumstances.

It does irritate me though when the scolders feel entitled to judge. Those posts I just try to ignore.

I agree that taking care of children is not at all like taking care of older adults. If it were, then elder care centers would cost about the same as child care centers.

Sometimes we hear of people in the 40-70 age group as the sandwich generation. I started thinking the other day that elders are also caught in a sandwich. When they were our age, their parents tended to die when they were 70-early 80s. They didn't have to invest huge parts of their lives to elder care. But now people live longer, though not always healthier lives. The elders are caught in a time where medications keep the heart going, but aren't able to keep the mind and other body parts from deteriorating. So we have elders on blood pressure medications and other drugs to preserve life if they can remember to take them. Quality of life has a way to go to catch up. Maybe increase in quality can be increased by something besides medicine, e.g. dance and yoga. There is some answer out there we haven't discovered yet.

Exactly, I have often thought that the Pradaxa is just keeping my mom "hanging on." but she does not really want to hang on. she has said that many, many times.

What about this: young mothers think nothing of making arrangements for their children to go to day care. Of course, they are careful in their choices but I have known plenty who already have those choices made before their babies are born.

And maybe there is a bit of guilt. But nothing like what we read about here.

Boy is there a difference! my child was not a 160 lb angry man who wants to grab Mom or I, and is strong as an Ox. She was not someone I could not pick up when she fell down, or who fought me when I tried to dress her and could literaly knock me off my feet! My toddler daughter did not try to take the car!

Not at all. Your child needs you in order to thrive. You "bring up" your children by providing love & support. Responsibility of raising children trumps that of caring for elderly parents. The elderly need help & care as they are on the down turn of life so this where long-term professional care comes in.

What about doctor appointments. I never had children but assumed a child would have just one doctor, two at the most.

With an elder it is usually the primary doctor, ophthalmology, audiologist, podiatrist, gynecologist, urologist, cardiologist, dermatologist, oncologist, gastroenterologist, pulmonologist, rheumatologist.... etc.

My 3 year old grandson's day care center here in NYC costs $30,000 a year. My mom's nh in suburban CT costs $15,000 per month.

Hi, 1st time posting on this site, I wish I had found it during the passing of my parents in the last 3 years. I agree No comparison whats so ever. A Child breathes new life into your life, taking care of your parents is watching that life fade away. I took care of my Mom & Dad, but was also fortunate to have the help of caregivers. Being a Parent to a Parent for me is/was the Biggest Challenge God has given me. \o/

I agree with all above!!!!!! These two are polar opposites! I mean there is a reason young people have babies! They have the energy to raise them! And there is a good reason that 70 year old adult children have no business trying to take care of extremely needy parents who are in their 90's. That's because those in their early senior years don't have enough energy to really care for a senior citizen in their 90's. I mean do you see elderly CNAs in their 60s and 70s working in nursing homes and assisted living? The 3 CNAs that my dad has taking care of him 24/7 are young enough and strong enough to help an 89 year old man.

I've not seen these recent scolding posts, but I've seen them in the past.

I did a quick search on the site and found

Is caring for elderly parents harder than caring for children
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/Is-caring-for-elderly-parents-harder-than-caring-for-children-143982.htm

That thread started in December of 2010 and got 35 comments.

Then there is an article 10 ways caring for parents is different than caring for children.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Caring-for-Parents-Versus-Caring-for-Children-120215.htm

The comment began in March of 2006 and there is only 10 comments.

There was one comment that I read last night on some thread that did sound rather bragging about with a judgmental stinger right at the end "accept your lot in life" The more I looked over his story, the more I realized how well he had put it together to look like the person had been doing a whole lot more hands on caregiving than what fit with the entire picture once you looked at each piece
separately.

I get rather irritated and annoyed whenever someone plays the parenting vs the caregiving.

Anyhow, this is my commentary on this tonight and thanks for bringing it up. Feel free to send the judgmental people to my wall and I will deal with them and not take any prisoners. :)

You have a good point that responsibility pass down the line from parents to children. What we do for our parents is from love and respect, and not from a sense of obligation. We do want the best for our parents. I know they also want the best for us if they are still able. My mother has on a few occasions told me I owe her because she brought me into the world. The trouble is that she wasn't much of a mother, so by all rights she broke all the "rules" that I owed her. I have also thought it strange that she thought I, as her daughter, owed her, but my brothers do not.

Hmmm... selective rule application.

I just love the "you owe me/us" blackmail some parents pull on their adult children. That's when the "sucking of life " from the caregiver by parent begins. My parents- good people & tryed their best to parent, never uttered that phrase to us, I'm happy to say.

Oh yes, the standard emotional blackmail dance of someone very often with a narcissistic or borderline personality who are so effective in using F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt) to blind people's minds and sends them into something like autopilot. The difficult but needed key is to stop dancing the emotional dance by setting boundaries with boundaries and a determination to take no prisoners!

I am glad that your parents never uttered that phrase. May the number of parents with their outlook increase!

Babalou! $15k/mo.???????????????? I am having a heart attack!

You all need to move your families to central PA: nice facilities, $4K/mo. ;)

Thank you, Cmagnum, I am rolling on the floor laughing about no prisoners!

We are all, however, acting en parentis. I find it very similar to raising kids. I let my mother know what my limitations are and that's just it. I have to just make decisions that are good and in her best interest, and that means, en parentis. Whether we are acting in a manner that befits a young child growing up, or an elderly parent growing down. It is the same....We make hard decisions for the benefit of others and that is in fact, the best comparison.

No, DonnaDear, it is not even similar if your parent has dementia or chooses not to cooperate. Yes, we make decisions in their best interests, but I could always get my child to a doctor appointment whether he wanted to go or not. If Mom or Dad decides they are NOT going to the doctor today, good luck!

I used to have a cute little sign hanging in the hallway between my kids' bedrooms that said "No mother on duty after 9 pm. Emergency service only." Setting limits was easy. If you are not in your pajamas and ready to hear a story on my schedule, then I don't read stories. When my mother had anxiety attacks in the middle of the night, there was no "off duty" time for me. With my demented mother, we were consistently in emergency mode.

Setting limits and applying them consistently with children works because they are learning and growing and they can "get" the connection between actions and consequences. Adults with dementia have lost that connection. They are unable to learn. It is NOT the same at all.

I agree with you jeannegibbs. Children will learn and grow from the knowledge we share with them.

Elders who are suffering from varying degrees of dementia and are stuck in their ways do not grow and benefit from knowledge we share to try and help them.

Case in point - when my son was young and he grew out of clothes or wore them out, I could talk him into new clothes, even if it meant getting rid of favorite items. He eventually appreciated clothes that fit and suited his life. He was adaptable to change.

My mother who has early dementia is another story. She has pants galore but insists on wearing the same two pair as none of the other pockets are 'right'. They are becoming threadbare from so much use. We bought her two new pairs of the same jeans but she insists they are different. *sigh* No way, no how, I can get her to stop wearing the same two pairs of pants. I am sick to death of being reminded not to forget to bring her pants back when I wash them every other day (!)

With my son, those darn pants would've just disappeared overnight. With my mom, not so much.

Bad decisions by children are corrected. Bad decisions by parents, relatively harmless ones anyway, are just accepted and endured.

It's as different as night and day.

And as far as doctor appointments go, child just goes. An elderly parent normally refuses. A child gets better at taking care of himself and an elderly parent gets worse. Never did my child try to get out of the house at night or turn the stove on at 2AM. Good luck to those that think that caregiving is the same as raising a child.

Maybe it is not a case of either/or but both/ and.

To a very large degree we DO act in loco parentis. Putting my mom into AL was traumatic for everyone but it was the best for her so we did it. We DO make tough decisions for the welfare of those we love: children and elders.

But here are two major differences:

1. As has been pointed out, children can "get it" (even if it is like getting a mule up a ladder).

2. We had the legal right as parents to make those decisions. It is heartbreaking to read stories here of children who cannot do what needs to be done because they do not have the legal right. How about the woman whose demented mother is a hoarder and destroying the house around her--and the children have no legal right to fix it. These legal issues with elders are really very thorny!

And, of course, what both sets of challenges have in common is a lot of love--usually.

False equivalency. Sloppy, invalid logic. Period.

it is definitely not the same. I used to think being a mother was the hardest job but being a parent to your parent is the hardest job in the entire world bar none. I don't even know if I can say that it is rewarding because right now it sure as h*ll isn't

terry, thank you for saying that. When someone tells me how rewarding it is to care for my mother, all I want to say is "Bite me."

Children grow out of the terrible twos.

Raising children to see them grow and thrive is not the same as bring or watching your parents go down. Like comparing apples and oranges. It is a different ball game. A game where no one wins.

I agree there is no comparison. Our attitudes, stamina, and future are completely different when we are young and raising our kids. We are full of hope and optimism. So many dreams and experiences ahead. With our parents or parent, we are nearing if not in our retirement years and the stamina and dreams for the future are pretty much gone. I do hear people say that our parents raised us and now it's our turn. There's some truth to that however it's a fine line between needing someone's help and wanting someone's help just because it makes their lives easier. For those of you beginning to care for elderly parents, tread carefully and save your personal space and time so when the time comes and they really need you, you are not totally burnt out. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, not even close to raising kids.

If someone really thinks raising a child and tending an elder are similar, ask them how much they would charge to babysit your toddler. Then ask them how much they would charge to eldersit your mobility-impaired parent. If they say they would charge the same, you know they are either very good or very dishonest.

This rankles me also. My husband and I chose not to have children, as our life is very busy and fulfilled already, with work and community service and social events. We are saving for our own retirement and making a living. Nobody is doing that for us, and we don't expect anyone else to provide late-in-life care but ourselves.

Looking after my dad in our home is a completely different scenario. As has already been stated, the logistics of child rearing and elder care are vastly different with outcomes that couldn't be more diverse.

When one chooses to be a parent, typically there are plans and expectations as to how things will progress as the child grows and gains independence (obviously, there are special needs children for whom this may not apply). However, it was most likely still a chosen path by the parent(s).

When an elder begins to decline, it often falls to others—the children or other family members, to see to his/her well being. They may or may not "choose" to assume that responsibility, but despite any joys or rewards involved, there is only further loss of faculties as opposed to gaining independence. It is something that often requires the assistance of many to get it done right.

My loving dad may have changed my diapers (he was truly one of the revolutionary fathers in the late '60s), but that is where I draw the line. I was planned for, and I'm grateful for the best parents I could ever want. However, there are certain things in life I am willing to tackle. For others, only outsourcing will do.