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I have many siblings. The oldest child is the POA for my mom. Everyone does not agree on her care and it is so frustrating. The POA makes the final decisions and she does ask for opinions but not of everyone. She will ask the siblings who are proactive; those who help, call and visit my mother. She does not call the others. We are not all close and often argue. The number of telephone calls that end up in arguments and shouting make me ill. Sometimes one person will accuse the POA of telling one or two persons but not the others (as though she's keeping secrets). I have asked the POA sister to email everyone regarding my mom and that way everyone has the same information and if you want to ask a question it can easily be replied to. Everyone has a chance to express their opinion without the shouting, etc. Is this a good idea?
Thank you for your opinion.

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As it is important to you, why don't you inform the others? Caregiving is exhausting, physically and mentally. You worry all the time you are doing the right thing. If you let the worry get to you you will burn out, and will never go the distance. The same goes for siblings who have many opinions yet offer no help. I too exclude the ones who don't visit or even help. If they want to know how Dad is doing, then come visit. If they want to have a say, then come help. Instead of trying to please siblings who do any of the hard labor, why not help your sister who is doing the work? Have you offered respite care?
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Isn't there a tool on the AgingCare website for keeping everyone informed? I seem to remember looking at it but feeling too grumpy at the time to take it further...
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Caringbridge-- I will look that up. Thank you, blannie.
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I agree that the POA sibling only needs to inform those who are interested and involved with mom. I only have one brother but if I had a bunch of siblings, some who didn't do anything for mom, I wouldn't take the time to email them every time something happened. In my case, I spend enough time taking care of my mom. I used to keep my brother VERY informed, but since he never asked questions or said too much, I just quit taking the time to update him on every little thing and he never asked. I had to beg him to call mom once a week. Saved myself a lot of time.

Your POA sibling could set up a private group on Facebook or a caringbridge account, so they type once what's happening and everyone can see it and respond to it. And if it were me, I'd only listen to the ones who show an active interest in Mom and help with her care. But ultimately it's the POA who makes the decision and that's the way your mom set it up.
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I thought email would be best so that ALL of us get the same info. The phone calls unless they are a conference call just don't work. Even when we tried conference calls, there was too much going on. I like the idea that it is in writing and no one has to recall what was stated by whom, etc., etc.
The ones that aren't available have mostly to do with living out of town although I try to call them to give updates but that is not a priority. Two are not very much help and that's okay with me. I've found the six to be too much as then there are tooooooo many opinions! The POA, I don't envy her at all; she's trying really hard and believes democracy is best. Maybe she should quit trying to be fair and hear all opinions?

I suggested the emails just be factual on mom's condition and care/decisions; and then the all-out "this is what I think" emails can take off-- they can yell all they want. My main goal is that all the information is there-- read it or not and there's no chance of "I didn't say that" which happens too much. The POA is retired and has much more available time to be with and do for mom. One other is retired but really not easy to be with (hateful with everyone) and the last four of us work. How can six people be so different??? Ugh!!
Thanks for your advice and experiences.
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I am POA for my Mom I have 6 siblings one sister sees and calls my Mom regularly she is the only one involved. So she is the only one I answer to... When Mom was hospitalized I called her and she called the others (this is her choice NOT mine)..

If they can't find time for their Mother obviously they don't care about her so I don't feel obligated to contact them..
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Your sister, the POA is doing exactly what she should be doing and communicating with those who deserve to be informed. Why should those who do nothing or uninvolved be entitled to an opinion on your mother's care? At least the POA is communicating and asking opinions of those involved in your mother's life.
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The only problem with emails is that the reader sometimes imposes the wrong tone, thinking that humor is sarcasm, or that an observation is an accusation. Try to frame things in a question, instead of " You should have done X" an accusation, try " What if you did X?" or "Can you try X?" and avoid he said she said, just stick with what you said. Make sure you have all the right email addresses, things change, and click the 'notify when read' option so you know everyone is on board. always do a 'reply all' and avoid sidebar conversations. Good luck, this is a step in the right direction.
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