How do I come to terms that I hate my narcissistic Mom (80)?

I have to second what Babalou said. I was also a pysch major in college, plus I'd been through several years of therapy in my life before caregiving. Nothing prepared me for the pain and confusion and frustration and anger of being expected to take care of a narcissistic parent who didn't seem to know I was alive unless she needed something. I have been in therapy (again) the last three years and it has really helped me with reality testing, setting boundaries, and maintaining my own sense of worth in a familial micro-culture that expects me to sacrifice myself for the benefit of a toxic person who offers me nothing in return. There are powerful forces at work her, and not for your benefit. You need help in fighting them.

Plz, you are SO wrong about therapy. Sorry, I have to be that blunt. If you think that being a psych major in college has anything to do with the healing transformative properties of good therapy, you haven't had the experience. You're scared to try. That's completely normal for someone who has such a damaged mother child relationship. But please give it a go.

It's one thing to know something and another thing to have someone encourage you and help you apply what you know.

Even therapists go to therapists about their own issues just like doctors go and see a doctor when they need to. Do what you will, but I would not advice someone to try to be their own therapist.

My wife has a PhD in psychology and use to teach different kids of college level psychology courses, but she's not clinically trained to do therapy. She found it helpful to see a therapist in dealing with her own family of origin issues, mainly her narcissist mother.

Is your mother living at home while your dad is in assisted living or do they both live at assisted living?

I agree with Jeanne - you can get the info about dad directly from the care center or hospital. Change your phone number or just don't answer it, unless you really are not "done". If you do not set some boundaries and hold them, you really have no one to blame but yourself.

Why is she your only link to information about your father? Can't you call him directly? Can you meet with the social worker and/or his main caregivers at the ALF and ask for updates when something changes? Can you call them periodically?

I don't mean this unkindly, but needing to accept Mother's phone calls in order to stay informed about Dad sounds a whole lot more like an excuse than a reason.

See a therapist. Even if you already know what he or she is likely to say, having the support of someone else saying it can be very valuable.

Cmag- yes, I do need a therapist- I know that but am dr. averse for a lot of reasons -I am a psych major in college and they won't say anything I don't already know - the "buttons" are in place and I'm having difficulty not responding to them --zookeeper - I wish I could " block" or not answer the calls, but since she is my only communication as to my fathers health and well- being in the ALF, I cannot do that---- I keep my phone on vibrate only bcuz the sound of ringing gives me anxiety- she is increasingly becoming unhinged since she has never had to live alone - I notice this with many calls-- she has always been "served" "taken care of" "bullyied everyone into getting what SHE wants" ---- now all that power is gone cuz she's alone - so the bullying has taken over in the form of phone calls to her adult children about how miserable she is be cuz she's "grieving" the loss of her spouse who's in ALF -- I think she's resenting having to deal with her responsibility --- never been a nurturing person - now having to "care" for someone in this capacity is not what she is able to do ---- cracking up mentally I'm pretty sure.

That you are in this state is Not Your Fault. But now that you recognize what is going on, you may need help to detach from your toxic mother. Seeing a therapist who is experienced in helping families of narcissist people may be just enough support to get you through this.

Best wishes to you!

Cmag has given solid advice about finding resources to seek the help you need, but what you really need to do right now is change your phone number or block mom's calls. You do not have to endure that kind of abuse, and if you really are "done", then that's your first step, and getting therapy to stick to that decision is step 2. You can also just not answer the phone or turn the ringer off. Answering the call is a choice. You can you only help your mom if you are willing, and it's obvious you no longer are willing. Drawing a line and not crossing over it -- that's what NPD people understand and just about the only thing that will work with someone like that. Best of luck finding you way through this!

Sounds like you would benefit from seeing a therapist to help you detach from her and defuse the buttons that she presses inside of you which she put there when you were a young girl.

There are plenty of articles here about dealing with narcissist parents. Do a search in the search site box in the upper right hand corner for more information about dealing with this type of verbally abusive parent who emotionally blackmails their adult children with Fear, Obligation and Guild, F.O.G. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.