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Tired of being mentally/verbally abused. Dad in ALF - can't deal anymore! She constantly calls to make others feel bad for her misery/what life has dealt. But has been this way her whole life, - everyone has to feel miserable if she does - won't take suggestions that might help her well being becuz then she won't have anything to bitch about! I'm 55, and DONE! But since I've been manipulated into her sick world my WHOLE life, this is an epiphany and I can't do this toxic thing anymore-- always made to feel guilty cuz I don't visit -- every time any kid visits her, they leave after a terrible altercation vowing never to return - yet we always do. Enough is enough - as much as I want to go visit dad, I can't fathom the thought of having to endure HER! I finally told myself, I HATE her - now what do I do when the next dramatic/manipulating/vitriol filled phone call comes????

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I don't agree with the view expressed by Ferris1 that one chooses how to feel and nobody else can control that. I think we can choose what actions to take in response to our feelings, and we can certainly question ourselves as to whether our feelings are truly appropriate and warranted in the given situation. But in terms of allowing someone to get under your skin, I think that's a very hard thing to control and I'm not sure it's even a good idea. Feelings aren't facts, but sometimes they're valid clues about what's going on and whether it's something healthy for us or toxic for us. A lot of my mother's behaviors really irk me, and those behaviors are indicative of her character and of her feeling towards me, and what irks me is that I'm spending a lot of time and energy on a self-centered person who has little regard for me apart from what I can do for her. Those feelings are important, and I've dealt with them by withdrawing a lot of my energy from her, especially in cases where I know I'll be ticked off if I go along with what she wants.
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Plz, you are SO wrong about therapy. Sorry, I have to be that blunt. If you think that being a psych major in college has anything to do with the healing transformative properties of good therapy, you haven't had the experience. You're scared to try. That's completely normal for someone who has such a damaged mother child relationship. But please give it a go.
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Why is she your only link to information about your father? Can't you call him directly? Can you meet with the social worker and/or his main caregivers at the ALF and ask for updates when something changes? Can you call them periodically?

I don't mean this unkindly, but needing to accept Mother's phone calls in order to stay informed about Dad sounds a whole lot more like an excuse than a reason.

See a therapist. Even if you already know what he or she is likely to say, having the support of someone else saying it can be very valuable.
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Cmag has given solid advice about finding resources to seek the help you need, but what you really need to do right now is change your phone number or block mom's calls. You do not have to endure that kind of abuse, and if you really are "done", then that's your first step, and getting therapy to stick to that decision is step 2. You can also just not answer the phone or turn the ringer off. Answering the call is a choice. You can you only help your mom if you are willing, and it's obvious you no longer are willing. Drawing a line and not crossing over it -- that's what NPD people understand and just about the only thing that will work with someone like that. Best of luck finding you way through this!
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I have to second what Babalou said. I was also a pysch major in college, plus I'd been through several years of therapy in my life before caregiving. Nothing prepared me for the pain and confusion and frustration and anger of being expected to take care of a narcissistic parent who didn't seem to know I was alive unless she needed something. I have been in therapy (again) the last three years and it has really helped me with reality testing, setting boundaries, and maintaining my own sense of worth in a familial micro-culture that expects me to sacrifice myself for the benefit of a toxic person who offers me nothing in return. There are powerful forces at work her, and not for your benefit. You need help in fighting them.
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When people criticized me for not being at my mthr's for holidays - because I was protecting me and my little people from her - I started saying things like, "Undiagnosed mental illness is so hard to be around." It worked to self-affirm that I was doing the right thing, that I was protecting my babies, and that it was not anyone's fault that we could not be around her.

I like the idea of you visiting in person with a HIPPA form for you at the nursing home and for the Primary Care Physician's office and what ever hospital he would use as the case may be. Competent or not, get his signatures on the forms, copy them, and fax in one to each office and keep your other copies safe. Then you can get info direct from the horse's mouth.

I eventually learned that I could not trust anything my narcissistic mthr said. She would lie about people's health status to get me worked up, when there was nothing wrong with them. It's best to get that HIPPA signature just to be able to get first hand info even if your loved one were not connected to your narc!
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Sounds like you would benefit from seeing a therapist to help you detach from her and defuse the buttons that she presses inside of you which she put there when you were a young girl.

There are plenty of articles here about dealing with narcissist parents. Do a search in the search site box in the upper right hand corner for more information about dealing with this type of verbally abusive parent who emotionally blackmails their adult children with Fear, Obligation and Guild, F.O.G. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
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That you are in this state is Not Your Fault. But now that you recognize what is going on, you may need help to detach from your toxic mother. Seeing a therapist who is experienced in helping families of narcissist people may be just enough support to get you through this.

Best wishes to you!
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OMG carlacb wish we were friends growing up!!
Finally read my entire childhood in print!
I feel so heard and no longer alone.
My brother's recent passing has completely changed the dynamics of our relationship.
It took death to break the 60 year cycle!!
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My mother is a narcissist who has consistently psychologically abused her children. She has been living in a nursing home for eighteen months due to dementia and was transferred recently on account of her aggressive behavior. She may have had a bad reaction to the meds they were giving her, as her health has degraded.in the past week. They have cut back on the meds now, and wait and see if things get better. It has made me physically sick to see her in that state. Yet I know exactly what you mean when you say you hate your mom. I also understand why you don't feel like going to see a therapist, but I also think that you need all the external support you can get.
I can only tell you that you are not alone and that any negative feelings that you have towards her are healthy feelings. You should not feel bad about limiting contact as much as possible. Please take care of yourself.
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