Since moving in to help my mother-in-law, my college age children have had trouble adjusting to her and vice versa. Advice?

My mantra - your first responsibility is to your husband and children and his is the same; you and the kids. His responsibility is to see that his Mom is well cared for and safe....not to distance his own family. Caregiving can destroy marriages and families; also, the physical and emotional health of the prime time caregiver. If you are determined to live like this, family counseling for everyone is a must. Hopefully you can get MIL involved as well. Communication and respect for each other is the key. If your family and MIL had a wonderfully, loving and close relationship before then maybe it will be okay with help from a counselor.

You and the hubs need time away, maybe a weekend a month. The kiddos are getting ready to leave the nest and that brings a bit of pre-separation before final flight. Your family is in a totally different season than MIL and I am sure it is all more than she envisioned. Start planning now so you don't do this to your children. Good luck!

Does your local Worship place have anyone that does family or caregiver counseling? Is it possible to go through the local college senior services office and retain a free volunteer senior companion to sit with her and watch the news? What about senior adult daycare services near by or a community college senior outreach services those can help you with the tension at home and give you some time and your kids and husband sometime to breathe. Is it possible that the senior center might have a thrift store she could help with during the day? Is it possible to get her involved in some type of senior activity during the day?

Oh Michelle, you are living in what I fear my family is headed for - two families under one roof. My MIL is in her own home, probably shouldn't be, and probably won't be able to stay there forever. We have the space and a first floor bedroom and handicap shower, and her daughter's house doesn't, so we'll be the ones she moves in with.

I do think I disagree with your DH a little though. I think that with two families there, both sides have to give a little. Your family can't always be the one to give up or give in, letting MIL have her way. But, I also know how very hard it is to be in the middle of hubby and MIL too. It's not the place you want to be, that's for sure.

Maybe you and hubby can have sit-down chat with her and talk about what things can be done to help everyone enjoy living in the house. Each person has just as much of a right to be as happy as they can and no one has the right to make the other people miserable. Having said that, I know it wouldn't work for us because MIL wouldn't see any of it as her fault or concern. And then would blab to the daughter's family that we don't want her there and are being mean to her!

I do know that the one thing that is helping in caretaking with my MIL right now, is concentrating on my relationship with DH. Not sure why or how that is helping the caretaking, but somehow it makes me feel that he and I are more of a team - both in caretaking and in parenting (kids are 16, 19, and 22) around the caretaking. It's almost like my life is a three legged stool - caretaker, wife and mom. If I can make one of those legs really, really strong, it seems to compensate for the other two being a little wobbly (and we all know, the parenting leg is always wobbly, LOL)

Good luck, and I just hope that tomorrow is a good day. Sometimes a good day in the middle of the battle, can do wonders for getting us through a few more days!

You should be very proud of your children for going to school and holding down jobs. And helping with chores. And spending a little bit of time each day with grandma. Very proud indeed. Good job, momma! They are trying their best to live in an intolerable situation.

When we moved my mother (94 & mid to late stage dementia) in with us, I thought we would be like the Waltons .... one big happy family. HA!

We all had our own spaces, with lots of common areas as well. Stupid big house. Mom had her own bedroom, bathroom, and sitting room on the 1st floor, which was close to the common areas (kitchen, family room). My sons were all working full time & preparing to leave the nest. One (25) lived in our basement with his new bride so they could save like mad for a house of their own. Another (22) and his GF had a large room on the 2nd floor of the house. Third (21) shared a bathroom with them and had his own bedroom/privacy. Hubby and I rounded it out & we had our own bathroom.

They all paid rent, did chores, did their own laundry, paid their own bills, and sometimes we would eat together or watch a movie or have a few beers or just talk. Even when friends of sons came over, Mom was welcome to be right in there & did so at times. Those were the Walton times.

However..........we just couldn't do it. We lasted about 3 months. Mom wasn't really happy, wanting someone -- anyone -- with her at all times. Nope, wasn't gonna happen. We are all adults with lives and interests of our own. Which made that sweet old lady pout and be crabby. Plus, she was up and down all night, which meant no one else got much sleep.

We put her in assisted living about 4 months ago, and we are still trying to recover from the upheaval she caused in our lives. Life goes on and changes constantly. Sounds like your MIL is unhappy and angry at the life she has now and wants her old carefree life back. Yeah, we all do, too.

Please, put your family 1st and figure out something where you live separate from MIL.

Don't ask that she give u an answer right away. Just give her the options and let her think about it. Give her time and again, let it husband handle it. You will have to go with her decision.

First, I think it's great that it kids r holding down jobs. Not all r lucky to find jobs and make enough money to move out. What was their relationship with it MIL before. Won't change if no relstionship before. It doesn't hurt if they make sure they say Hi and make some conversation with her. You have invaded her space. You said you pay everything. Does she have SS and pension?
Being on oxygen 24/7 is not good. Talk to her Dr. Find out what her health is going to be like in the future. Then give her options. U all living together or a nursing facility. May be selling her house and combining incomes u can find a house with a MIL suite or a small apartment attached. My MIL had a home with a bedroom, bath and sitting room on one side of her house that could be closed off but easily excessed. A living room and kitchen separated it from the other bedroom and bath. She would have her space. If she wanted to join the family, she could come out to the common area. This wouldn't be yours or her home it would be ours. If she is on oxygen 24/7 she may be tired a lot and not have the energy to do anything. Ask her what she thinks of a portable and getting out more even if only a drive. When you have all the facts, have your husband talk to her. Explain that it's not working and they need to talk alternatives. If she can't be by herself then a nursing facility or help at home. But, u r going to have to move out. Maybe find something close by. If she can't live alone financially, then sell the house and get her an apartment. You don't want this to effect your family.

Mama bug has great advice. If finances are too big of an obstacle, have you considered selling the house and reinvesting the money in a duplex or house with a casita, etc. Your kids need out before they learn to hate her. The sad thing is that the elderly do not realize that their nastiness is the memory that they leave behind for the next generation to remember them by.

Move out. Being there is causing problems between you and hubs and it's causing problems for your children. I plan to NEVER live with my MIL who I am currently looking after from 40 or 50 feet away. If she gets to where she can't live by herself, she can live with other family if they want her to or she can go into a nursing home. Not trying to be mean but we've had issues with her not respecting us as parents in the past, not respecting that this is OUR home and she can't just show up and walk in whenever she wants, etc. She's finally learned that we will not allow her to do those things but I could see my marriage going straight downhill if we had to live with her. I'll do what I can to help her out from another home but will never live with her. As it is now we want to move but we can't afford it. All that to say, MOVE or you and your husband will resent her and each other, and your kids will resent all of you. Just get out of there.

Your MIL is probably asking her friends, "How do I get my kids out of here?"

Assigning blame or kicking your kids out is not going to help. You have three options, You and your husband can sit down and explain why you moved in to help her and ask that she be nicer, you can continue to live there but bring in extra help, or you can move out and bring in help for cleaning, cooking, and transportation. As my father's general health got worse, he became more and more irritated and, quite frankly, mean. I talked to him several times about being nicer to the kids and the rest of the family, but it was only a temporary fix. Unfortunately, you cannot place her in a nursing home against her will, if she is coherent. I am so sorry, you must feel like no good deed goes unpunished at this point. Good luck with whatever you all decide.

Good answers above. This is more for people who are THINKING of making a grandparent part of the household... My grandmother lived with us from age 81 to 101. The aim is to give the elder respect, autonomy, and territory... all so important to most women. We all moved in together to a large home chosen for its configuration. My grandmother had her own bedroom, bathroom, and adjoining sitting room. A pantry was turned into her kitchen by adding a hotplate and small frig. She had her own doorbell ring (ring three times). We never shared meals except on Sunday and holidays. She was a proud, independent woman who brought up 4 boys after her husband died young.

You are welcome. For me, putting my dad in a nursing home was not an option. We are a family and we all have to compromise to make it work.

Thanks Patrice! Its just good to know I am not the only one.

I am living your life. I tell dad that most of us are too warm and i give him a sweater. My father also likes his own shows. If my daughter comes home from school and sits with him in family room I always tell her to say pop let's find a show we both like. If he is adamant about watching his show and not having company then my daughter will go to another room. Sometimes they compromise and sometimes they don't. Before we bought our new house, my family would spend all our waking hours at my parents then some would go home to sleep and myself and one grandchild would stay the night because they wasn't enough room for all to sleep there. My father would always complain that there were school bags all around the living room. The kids carried their bags from one house to another. Every time he mentioned I would just say there are 7 people living her now not just 2. I got to the point where I would ignore a lot of the comments. Sometimes I would just say we are all doing our best under the circumstances. I also sat down with dad and said if you would like company you need to be a little more flexible with the TV. My father walks around the house for exercise then will say, this is out, put that away, then I would have to say I don't have 3 hands and I haven't sat down all day. I am not kicking my kids out, not an option for me either. Sometimes I have to say I gave you a shower today and went food shopping, the floors will get cleaned tomorrow. I stopped stressing over everything and just let many of the comments go without a response. I leave things for my dad to do. Empty dishwasher, fold towels, shred old papers, this keeps him busy and stops the comments. Sometimes he says I don't feel like doing it so when he says to me that there is a puke if wash in the laundry room I look at him and say I just don't feel like doing it now. Worked for me. I know I rambled on and am typing this in my phone so I can't even go back and see what I wrote. Don't let moms comments stress you out.

We have been doing this for about 9 months..Somedays its good, somedays we just want to to go hide..(Even my husband) Themostat is an issue and who controls the TV..Its the little stuff that seems to get everyone arguing. Was just wondering if anyone else has had this experience and had advice.

Michele77, OMG. You thought you would instantly be one big happy family and that moving in to MILs big house would be just great... and hubby did too, or at least agreed with you. No, the right answer is not that you change and adapt totally to everything. No, you and the kids don't need to be criticized and browbeaten non-stop. You don't need them to hole up in their rooms and just stay out of wrath's way. Yes - you need marital and maybe family counseling, but not "when this is over" - now! MILs point of view is undoubtedly that its her house and things should be her way, and I'm sure she welcomes the changes in her life that necessitated someone moving in like she'd welcome a hole in the head, but that does not make her totally right. Nor does it make her always wrong. The little things have to be negotiated for the big resentments not to fester, and you can't negotiate properly if the only strategy is that "we have to change and give in."

They make "to-go" oxygen tanks. There is no reason for that alone to make her be housebound. Staying in the house all the time will make her depressed. She needs to get out occasionally just for her own peace of mind. Yes it's a little more difficult, but it is doable.

I'm a long distance caregiver for my parents. I Visit often and stay for a week or two. I care for my folks but I sure as h*ll don't want to live with people in their mid 80s. It's 85 degrees in the winter and 60 in the summer. I'm not allowed to open a window. I can only watch so much today show and wheel of fortune. I'm 60 and not particularly hip, and I can imagine how much teenagers and 20 something's would like it there. My folks are not grouchy or demanding but it's stressful for all of us adapting to these visits. This is a piece of cake compared to what you're going through. If this is not resolved you risk long term damage to you and your family's relationships.

Also my daughter is slightly disabled, and will not be able to leave any time soon. She only works at chick fil a. My son is working and saving for his own place. kicking the kids out is not an option right now.

It was not my husbands idea, i thought we would be able to handle all this.. She also is adamant about not going into any Nursing home care. She is on oxygen and no longer drives and is basically house bound.

Tell the little birds it is time to leave the nest. It's Grandma's house and she makes the rules. She probably has the attitude that she is the one helping you, by giving you a place to live. I'm going to guess she doesn't like having her kitchen invaded either. Women are very territorial about their kitchens.

She can no longer care for herself and her house was bigger. Since I pay all the bills I dont consider us boarders..or my kids since they were still living with me. all this was to help her out, i wasnt about to get rid of my family to do so. My kids do chores in front of her, do their own laundry etc, but she always has negative things to say about everything. that starts arguments with everyone and my poor husband get stuck in the middle. Its terribly difficult to get her involved in what we do, We have tried getting her to play board games, or go out to dinner with us whenever possible but she only likes to watch TV.. I am going to need family therapy after this.. I was trying to do the right thing and thought it would be good for us..We never had these problems before

Was this husbands idea and is he demanding that you all stick it out? Maggie makes a very good point. Y'all move in to an 81 year old lady's house and change her whole life. How much assistance does she need? Get your own place for your family and get he in home help. I don't see your current arrangements working at all.

I had to tell people "No, you are not moving in with my mother." I just knew it would not work out. It was her house.

If I was college aged and asked to get along with my folks AND grandma, I would find somewhere else to live.

Of course, a lot depends on who is paying for what. If grandma is paying for the cable bill, I guess she can have the tv on whatever channel she likes.

I feel like all of this wasn't worked out, before you moved in. Can you all move back, where you were before?

I'm one of those people who doesn't understand a 4-person family moving in with an 81-year-old to help her. You're sure asking for trouble. Her turf...three generations...two matriarchs...a husband/son stuck in the middle. Yikes.

You have invaded her space. Poster above sure has the right idea about your kids. They could be an absolute joy to your MIL...if they each spent just 30 minutes a day with her. As you describe their schedules, working a lot, school, retreating to their rooms...they aren't family, they're boarders.

I don't understand why you are fighting with your husband about this, though. Why is that?

Since she doesn't have dementia, she should be able to understand that people have different interests. You say your children are college age, but work 40 hours a week. By my estimates, with college, jobs and friends, they are probably never at home except to sleep anyway. But they should spend a little time with their grandmother when they are home. It'll make her happy and it'll help them become more compassionate adults. They can work on a puzzle with her, listen to her stories, look at pictures - it won't kill them. How long would it take for them to vacuum a floor? If they do that, in front of her, occasionally, then maybe she'll see that they are helping out with chores. Definitely they should keep their rooms clean and do their own laundry. Y'all should have family meals whenever possible.

The older generations didn't grow up with computers, video games and tv to separate their families into segments. People spent time together and pitched in to maintain the home. These adults that you call children will all have their own homes some day and will thank you for teaching them how to do laundry, clean house and mow grass. They should know basic auto maintenance, how to cook a meal. They should know how to budget time and money. They may not appreciate it now, but they will later. I'm not saying that you haven't taught them all these things and even more, but this is just my opinion. Take it or leave it, but your life will become a living heck if you let it. Listen to your husband. You married him because you love him and thought he would be a good husband and father. This woman raised him to be the man he is. Hugs to you, it's hard to move into another woman's house no matter how much you love her.