Is mom too clingy? Can that be hurting my family?


I am the only daughter out of 4 and 1 bro that care for my mom and with no visits or no help at all. It makes me sad but nothing I can do. My husband and children also help with the care for my mom. Im having a problem my mom says untrue things against my family and I when I leave her to go to store or work. She and I are very close but she is so clingy to me that its hurting my family?

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You'll have to learn to set some boundaries or this could permanently hurt your marriage. If your mom is saying untrue things, she may either be trying to control you or else she's developed cognitive problems. I think she may need a physical to see if something curable is wrong, such as an infection or problems with medications. She likely should also be examined for dementia symptoms. Then, if you present your siblings with the results, they might get the picture. Tell them directly that you need more help with your mom. Sometimes people just like to remain in denial that anything is wrong. If they hear it from a doctor they may change. Good luck,
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"Saying untrue things" is a big, huge, red flag telling you that she is developing dementia. I wish I had been more aware of this--I thought my mother was just starting to get really mean, and it was infuriating to me. Then I realized she was more and more frequently lapsing into episodes where she was just downright crazy. It took a long time for it to dawn on me that she had dementia and it was getting worse. She's in assisted living now--not happy about it, but I have my life back. I got to the point where I decided I was just not going to sacrifice my own life and family to her. Best of luck to you; don't let it go on too long, or you will be completely trapped.
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My mom had a hip replacement and uses a walker but gets around really good. Her dementia is her only real ailment. I love my mom soo much and yes she is too clingy with me. If I ask her to eat she does but if anyone else asks her she tells them no. She says untrue things about me when I have my sons or husband take her somewhere or anything else. If Im not doing it she is angry and says bad things about me like I have not been there. I have my mom in groups now on Mon. Wed and Friday from 830-1215. So I do have a break. and also on Tuesday and Thursday she has a senior companion that comes over and visits for 3 hrs each day. But my mom will not get out of bed unless I get her up or eat or dress or anything unless it is me doing it. I mean she loves my husband and children and often tells the boys that they bring her life but its just like an anger toward me. Because I am a mom and wife too and she really just wants me to herself. She tells my husband that he dont have to be with me and he can leave and also tells me to kick my boys out of the house. I know it has to be hard for her on a daily basis to deal with life without my day and Im proud of how strong she is being beside the clingyness but I also have other obligations and include her in as much as possible. If for instance I am cooking I ask her to come to the kitchen to chat while I am cooking and she loves that but as soon as one of my boys come to talk to me about something she gets up and goes to bed. Then I go look for her because I think shes going to the bathroom and shes in bed playing possium. It drives me crazy................ Lately everything I ask her, her answer is no Im too cold. EVERYTHING. I see her slipping away more and more from me. Im soo patient with her and offer her different things to do. I have the upmost compassion for her because I often imagine me in her shoes. But sometimes its alot to handle. She is on antidepressants and also a patch for her dementia which seemed to help alot and then seemed to stop and they did up the dosage but I think Im just feeling overwhelmed by this. Ive lost my job, my house, evrything that I was and now my life seems to be on hold and belong to her. Im sad a lot. I wish family would lighten my load and then theres times I feel very blessed to be the one. I feel honored to take care of my parents (when my dad was alive) but never did I know it would mean to lose my life. I have 5 children and 1 grandbaby. My relationships are strained because I cant just go with them and I understand them too. I dont want to be the middle person but I am. Its been 2 yrs now and I feel bad when I read other posts that have been doing this for a lot more years then me. She doesn have medicaid just medicare. And I promised my dad I would keep her put of facilities as long as I can. That is a though but she still remembers my family and as long as she does I will keep her with me. Im going to put her an older american center that we have here and try to keep her busy so that I can manage tto go back to work again. I need to be ME. I know that I am important to people but I want to feel like Im accomplishing somethoing for myself. I was a workaholic and now Im just existing and I dont like it one bit. 2 years with no job is too long when I use to work 70hrs a week if not more. Im 40 years old and I want to live my life too. My baby is 17yrs old. Hes my last one. I still have dreams for myself and I want to be there for my children as often as they need me. My husband was just diagnosed with advanced livor disease and its a lot to take all at once. Im feeling resentful and lots more emotions. This is the hardest situation in my life and Ive been through SOOOOO much. My childrens father decided to end his life 11 years ago and left me with all my children babies. That was hard but nothing compares to this. Sometimes I feel like I was never meant to have a good life because all Ive ever done was struggle. I finally found a man who I love and trust and now this. But I know this is not eternal and that is what we are supposed to focus on but when youre living in it is a very hard thing to look beyond. But I often pray and give myself Me time just so I can clear my head and breathe again. I feel blessed inspite of all that has been dealt me and thankful everyday that I still have my hands to help and my feet to walk and my eyes to see etc........ because one day there wont be no more pain or struggling or suffering and that is the day Im waiting for ................ Thank you for all your concerns. I find this website very helpful because I dont feel alone and there is someone in this world going thru the very same thing as I. Thank You to ALL...
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MMendez, I see in your profile that your mother's main ailment is dementia. No doubt that is behind being so clingy and saying untrue things. Do you mean that she claims she is mistreated by your husband and children and she doesn't want you to leave her with them while you shop or work? If something like that is going on, please discuss it with everyone in the household. Explain that Gramma has something wrong with her brain. She wants you there with her because she has known you all her life and she is comfortable with you. Assure them that you know the mean things she says are not true. Also assure them that if her brain were healthy she would not be saying these things. They should continue to be nice to her and help her when you are gone.

When you are talking to her, try not to argue, accuse her of lying, or reason with her. Try to comfort her. "Mother, I am so sorry that it feels that way to you. That must make you very sad. I know that Granddaughter loves you very much and tries to be helpful. It must be very scary when it seems like she is mean. Can you tell me what you would like her to do when she is with you?" I guess I'm suggesting you acknowledge her feelings and gently suggest the truth without being argumentative. This is not easy!

If you possibly can bring in some hired help to care for your mother when you are gone, that may relieve some of the stress on your family. Is mother on Medicaid? Is she eligible? Does she funds of her own or assets that could be used for this purpose.

Sadly, dementia often progresses to a point where it is very difficult to continue caring for the loved one at home. I don't know if you are there yet, but be open to the possibility that eventually what may be best for everyone is placement in a care center where everyone can visit as loving children and grandchildren, while the day-to-day care is in professional hands.

Does she have a doctor treating her dementia? Sometimes a healthcare provider very experienced in treating dementia can suggest drugs and other approaches to try at the various stages of dementia.

My heart goes out to you. Please post again and let us know how things are going in your household.
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