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She is bitter, mean, LIES A LOT even about the most insignificant things, counts on ME (I currently do not work outside of the home) 4 grocery runs, house cleaning - a 3,800 sq. ft. house - dr. appointments, etc. and the normal b.s. She is angry at most of us (siblings) and basically, the entire world (my beloved Dad passed in 2007), she was even verbally abusive to him in his final days in this world. My mothers father was an angry/miserable person as well. Curious to know: is this type of behavior inherited or somehow personified????
Most people know of of her peculiar behavior, however, she either does not see it or does not care. UGH!! Help, as I am the one (after my father) who puts up with her b.s.

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So sorry, meant to say "Shudder", not "Shutter".
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Thank you very much for your thoughtful input Debra L. Indeed, breathing space = well needed. To Steven's Mom: I suppose I am the chosen one because I am 1 of 2 daughters. My sister is a little freaky herself, and lives in Farmville, VA. I do have 2 brothers who live here in Richmond, VA. They help from time-to-time, and suck up to her. I have gotten quite a bit more brazen say for instance on the telephone "blah, blah, and that's all you need to know - period." I am getting much better @saying "no" to many things. I will offer to drive her/grocery shop, with no b.s. comments "I asked/wanted this or that, etc.". You're are so correct as far as my finding myself occasionally "acting" like her, believe me I notice it and I shutter. Thank you for your obvious insight and advice. Cuttin' the ties that are wrong/abusive.
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BLP, I'm curious...how did you get to be "the chosen one?" Do all of your other family members refuse to help, do they live too far away, some of both? Can you "unchoose" yourself? Yup, time to set some limits... both with mom and with other family members. They should be able to help in some way! Please understand, you don't want to have the same personality as your mother, right? So you might have to limit the time you spend with her, so it doesn't rub off on you ;)
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I sure know what it is like to be the chosen one. My mother is not mean, but extremely needy. When my stepfather died, she looked only to me for her needs even though I have two other siblings. It become too much for me to be living her life for her. I never realized how emotional immature my mother was. I had to stop this codependency she had on me. Many boundaries and distancing has given me some breathing space. Just glad she is still able to live independently.
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Sorry, I meant to say she won't entertain the idea of psychiatry in any way, shape or form. Pitiful!
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Thank you much to heart to heart, blanie and emjo -- many thanks, as your kind responses I WILL take to heart and utilize when she strikes again. @emjo, no, I do not live my mother and yes, she can more than afford to have a house cleaning service come in to help. Personality Disorder? I could almost guarantee this diagnosis would be the tip of the iceberg for her. She refuses to seek any professional counseling or any type of field of medicine. So, indeed, speak my mind (semi-calmly is the best I can do w/her) is what I WILL DO. Thank you all very much! This I have attempted before, she goes back to her same old nasty self which obviously has a profound affect on me.
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So agree with setting limits. Google the phrase - daughtersofnarcssisticmothers - and you will likely find some helpful information. It sounds to me like your mother has a personality disorder. Mine has Borderline Personality Disorder and is angry and verbally/emotionally abusive. Unfortunately these disorders are often not diagnosed. You have to be sure to protect yourself any way you can. If she can afford to hire others, it will be easier for you. Do you live with your mother? It would be better for you to find separate accommodations.

Personality disorders can be inherited or environmental - or a combination of both. In my family, there are a number of people with the same personality, so I see a strong genetic cause. Mother was one of 5 children and the others were (she has outlived them all) very sweet nice considerate people - not at all like her, and they have told me that she was like this all her life, so I don't think it is environmental in her case. My sister has it too, and my daughter shows some characteristics, and her youngest son. In other cases, it may be that the person has some predisposition, and their family environment tips the balance towards them developing the disease.

heart to heart - you mention that you are not at all like your mother, and neither am I like mine. I wonder if there are any other members in your extended family who are similar to your mum. BLP says her mum's dad was like this.

What blannie says about being 100% consistent is so true, and how to do that is not always obvious. I had set some limits, and then sent my mother flowers for Christmas. I got no acknowledgement of the flowers but several days of several phone calls of complaints and negativity. Then I remembered from the DONM site that you give them and inch and they take a mile. I have always said mother takes 10 miles. She perceived the gift of flowers as me "softening"'. I won't make that mistake again.

Good luck to you. There are many here who share your experiences. Come back and let us know how you are doing. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
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Well you need to immediately set STRONG limits on her behavior. The minute she starts belittling your or complaining, calmly explain that you won't tolerate that behavior and then leave the room or leave her place. If she calls and starts it, tell her calmly you will hang up until she treats you with respect. Do that a few times (be prepared to do it 100X) and be consistent and she'll learn that to get you to help her, she's got to treat you with respect. Don't do it some of the time - you have to be 100% consistent.

Set times when you'll come and help her. If she has money insist she gets outside help to clean her house. You don't have to be her maid. You're her child and can help her with what she needs within reason. But she HAS to treat you with respect to earn that privilege.
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I don't think it's inherited... I'm the opposite of my mother. I'm sensitive,giving, and a hugger... My mother 'prides' herself in saying she never had to tell anyone she loved them and doesn't like to be hugged or touched... Also, never supports me with family 'issues' (even after ALL the work I do... and have done...) Our mother's are just different people that we happen to be related to... (that's my take on it... I'd like to hear what other's here have to say)...
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