Why do we chose to do bad things we know better?

Follow
Share

Specifically: Why do we choose to do hurtful things to others, things that were done to us that we swore we would never do? Even after we are older, have had therapy and worked on it for years and supposedly aware of these issues? How do we purge the mind and heart of doing and saying hurtful things?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
29

Answers

Show:
1 2 3
That has got to be a key, deciding that you deserve to both be treated better and to be better and really move on. Thank you for you post...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Jsome glad you are a part of this group you do give to us -I am 70 and about 5 yrs. ago I decided that I do not deserve to be treated badly my husband was very upset his stranglehold on me was broken and on his deathbed he would not respond to me only other family members but now esp. after reading some of his rants he was mentaly sick and had been for many years and actually he did not hurt me-I would have liked some closure on our relationship but even though we wer not allowed to divorce a part of me had left but I did do right by him and got him the best care anyone could have gotten at the end and did tell him it was alright for him to leave us just before he died and I am strong enough to know I was not to blame for his mental decline.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Is do or do not there is no try...you must un-learn what you have learned, GOOD GOD Yoda was a genius, or a gestalt therapist, possibly Jungian?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Ok, Skywalker, go for it and may the force of healthy boundaries go with you!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Hey when i dream in Star Wars I Am Luke Skywalker!

Think you are right about boundaries. It must be some insidious thing that the people who can needle us the most are the closest. Duh I guess, moron in traffic is nothing compared to what your intimates can do to you...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

those we need to have boundaries with the most like them the least and give us the most pain in the rear over. The person with the strongest amount of personality disorder who was the most intrusive person in your life will become like darth vader, but unlike in star wars, you will not be able to be Luke Skywalker and redeem that person back to sound health. They are too far gone into the dark side of Fear, Obligation and Guilt to the extent that they incarnate the darkest side of two very powerful and extremely intrusive as well as abusive personality disorders. Don't give up because you are 39. You have a lot of life ahead of you and there are others who started later on a healthier path who have made it out of the dark side and into the light. All you or anyone in your shoes can really do is to chose a healthier path for yourself whether or not anyone else does, but if they do, fine and if not fine because you did not create their illness, nor can you control it, much less can you fix it, but you can break the chain they've forged for you to wear in life.

Honestly, I have relatives in my extended family whose darkness could make Darth Vader's look almost like a saint. I will not shed a tear when they die. However, there is another extended family member who's been valient in fighting the darkness of her worship-fullness, queen mommy dearest up close and personal right where she lives as well as overcome cancer and dealt with a needy husband. I hope she outlives her mother by many years, but whenever she dies I will probably cry for 2 or 3 days straight and might need some medication to get me through her funeral She's in therapy and she's reads everything that I've loaned her from my library related to this darkness along with talking hours about this and I think the student has frankly learned better than the teacher. When we are all together in one place we watch each others back because some are still rather weak in dealing with even the less able queen bee herself.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I had therapy at various periods in my life was never really easy, 10 seemed too young like I didn't get it, at 39 it makes more sense and can have a goal or some idea of what this is all for.

Geography is right. I Can't Stay here. I am starting to look for lake houses out side of the state. All I need is five million bucks...Uh hu...

I know from toxic people, I am pretty good at setting some boundaries, but it seems the closer the people are the harder the boundary is to set.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

no one said it was going to be easy which is why most give up or they just keep moving from one therapist to another so that nothing ever gets accomplished. and so few get there.

Very often it takes separating oneself from the geographical environment that keeps producing the germs. I put up with such toxicity from my extended family for years until I said enough is enough, this person (MIL) does nothing but bring down hell on earth when she visits, when she self-invites herself on our every vacation and when we go to her house for the holidays. So, I told my wife that for the sake of my sanity and the boys, my MIL would no longer be allowed in certain places of contact with our family but if she wanted to go visit the source of all mental illness personality germs then that was her choice, but she would do it alone and not with using either or both boys as a shield.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thanks Crowe. Grandpa will be signed up for Tuesdays and Fridays and i have three likely hits for looking for therapists.

I am gonna beat a dead horse but I do know about hard wiring. I mean really I sit here know it is wrong and will do what ever it is anyhow, knowing better, not being stupid, and I have been in therapy. I guess it is gonna take a while. I believe three are MSW and one is a psychologist...

The chain in my family is thick, very thick. i think I will need a welding tool...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

We chose things that are bad when we know better because of how we got wired and became familiar with, although did not like, that later our heads find out is not normal or healthy. Thus, without dealing with the wiring, hurt people often hurt people. For example, several years ago, my mother point blank told me that she knew from her college and graduate education that the way she raised me was wrong, and would cause me a lot of pain in life, but she could not help it.

Thus, one of my most repeated comment that support people with the idea of getting a qualified therapist for some face to face support that can actually do the psycho-anaytic work that's not possible online. Frankly, I will not go to anyone or take anyone in my family or suggest anyone to somebody who is not at least a LCSW and even then I look for people with some experience because the sort of issues I and my family members bring to the table are things we don't need some bookish person to cut their therapist's teeth on.

Experience is not always the best teacher because if it were then why would the lessons keep being repeated. If we came from an alcoholic family but keep marrying an alcoholic, then the person needs therapy to find out why they keep falling in the same ditch instead of saying "I'll just give up because there is no one good enough for me." Truly, the apple does not fall far from the tree and carries the seeds of self-destruction by its inheritance and those seeds sprout as well as control us beyond what we know in our heads. Without serious therapy and hard work, such a chain never gets broken and there are many chains in today's families which need breaking.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions