I very much appreciate cmagnum's posts about emotional incest because it is a huge problem in our society that venerates the nuclear family but does little to encourage its healthy development.
That said, caregiving is not for everyone and that is perfectly acceptable. Excuses need not be made as to why a spouse does not want to share his/her home with their parents or inlaws. I originally thought about getting a bigger house to share with my inlaws until my brother talked me out of it and thank goodness he did! Caregiving is difficult enough without losing both privacy and intimacy.
A healthy marriage still needs tending and an investment of both time and energy. No one knows what the future holds. Putting your marriage on the back burner believing that you'll get to it later when your mother has died is not a plan. Sounds to me like you need to develop balance - healthy boundaries - regarding caring for your mother, caring for your husband, and caring for yourself.
why wouldn't you choose your parents they had to take care of you since you were an egg why cant you just pay them back they might die before your spouse but that just means that there is less time to spend with them.
I would always choose my parents over my spouse because you love both your spouse and your parents but you were loving your parent longer why haft to choose over somebody that has been there for you since you were born they changed your diapers, they had to pay for appointment like dentist and doctor visits to keep you alive and had to take time out of there day for you, why cant you do that for them? Why would your spouse make you choose, it is your choice even if you love them and have a family with them they should respect the people that made you, you and who brought you into this world. They should take a second of there life and ask themselves what would you do if it was there parents. Even if your parents are older and may die before your spouse or you that just gives you enough reason to spend more time with them and give back what they gave to you.
why choose over somebody who loved you and didn't give up on you when you were hurt or old. Ask yourself if you were in a car accident or hurt and had cancer or didn't remember anything like were you were and were you came from who do you think would be there by your bed and standing with you when you were having a rough time so why wouldn't you do the same thing for them? Your spouse should notice and know how much you love your parents and they should be willing to help if they are not willing to help you should think about who you love more your spouse who does not even care enough to help with your parents or your parent who may not always be the best you may have a rough time but you haft to remember who brought you into this world and who cared for you and who would never leave your bed side when you were alone and who would die for you? They may not always be there in the future and they might need your help now then they ever will so give back what they gave to you which is love and life.
When I married a man 30 years my senior, 32 years ago, I told him to NEVER make me choose between him and my parents and I wouldn't make him choose between me and his children. We both agreed.
When I had to assist my dad after mom passed, my DH would tell me to go visit my dad, "he looks lonely." (he was living in a mobile home in our front yard)
When my dad said to me that he knew and understood that DH came first, I corrected him - I said whoever needs me more comes first.
Sounds like you need to have this type of conversation with your spouse before it becomes an issue.
AABB - if that is how you feel, then you are not free to marry, because you are already married (to your parents). If you wish to do that, that is your right, but not to engage in what is actually bigamy - grossly unjust to any spouse you might have. Until you are truly free to marry, then please don't.
And keep in mind that many parents were/are mother/father in name only. If you doubt me, talk to police, emergency room nurses, etc. about child abuse.
That said, caregiving is not for everyone and that is perfectly acceptable. Excuses need not be made as to why a spouse does not want to share his/her home with their parents or inlaws. I originally thought about getting a bigger house to share with my inlaws until my brother talked me out of it and thank goodness he did! Caregiving is difficult enough without losing both privacy and intimacy.
A healthy marriage still needs tending and an investment of both time and energy. No one knows what the future holds. Putting your marriage on the back burner believing that you'll get to it later when your mother has died is not a plan. Sounds to me like you need to develop balance - healthy boundaries - regarding caring for your mother, caring for your husband, and caring for yourself.
When I had to assist my dad after mom passed, my DH would tell me to go visit my dad, "he looks lonely." (he was living in a mobile home in our front yard)
When my dad said to me that he knew and understood that DH came first, I corrected him - I said whoever needs me more comes first.
Sounds like you need to have this type of conversation with your spouse before it becomes an issue.
And keep in mind that many parents were/are mother/father in name only. If you doubt me, talk to police, emergency room nurses, etc. about child abuse.