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Ooops, sorry -- I went on there and didn't totally answer your question! She will NOT consider any AL, will not consider any in home help or companion type assistance at all. Nope nope nope. So where does that leave us? We get to wait until "something happens." Lovely.
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Hi Ashlynne, my mother has been living alone for almost 4 1/2 years now. She lives a 3+ hour drive away from me. I work full time, close to 50 hours a week most of the time. I wish I'd known more about NPD before I had that honest, straightforward, no holds barred conversation with her last fall re-her memory loss, decreasing ability to handle her house on her own, and our opinion that it was time for assisted living. I know now she didn't hear any of our concern or valid suggestions. From her point of view, all I did was 'expose' her--and that is simply unacceptable to a narcissist. I'm stuck handling her affairs in a stealthy/sneaky kind of way. I avoid contact as much as possible, and I keep reading that the only sane thing to do is go 'no contact' -- which I am looking foward to doing, believe me. I am letting guilt, obligatory feelings, and my own personal ambition (I so badly WANT to handle this in a way that I think will let me sleep at night when it's all said and done) rope me into maintaining the illusion of a relationship. The paradox is -- the better I'm getting at establishing and maintaining boundaries, and in being compassionate towards myself as well as her, the LESS able I am to fake it with her. It's just not in me anymore. So psyching myself up for the visit or phone call, then recovering, feels like such a waste of energy and time.
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looloo is your parent living alone, a nursing home or? It may be time to look at assisted living or a nursing home. You will never change these toxic people and it's essential to banish toxic people from your life forever. Hard when it's a relative, but when it comes down to it you'll be so ill it's either you or them - been there, done that - and the road to recovery is a long one, if you ever do recover fully.

Why are you doing this visit? It seems that it's going to make you ill, both before and after. Please let us know more about your parent's condition and current living situation so maybe we can help bit more. You must take steps to ensure your own survival. Toxic parents will push you into an early grave if you let them.
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Ashlynne, I'm dreading my upcoming visit in a few weeks too. I live a 3 hour drive away, so I'll be taking a vacation day from work to go there, and since I don't want to be exhausted before I even arrive, I'll be going down the night before and staying in a hotel. I wish I could do the opposite and check into a hotel afterwards, to decompress, but it's a workweek, and I'll need to drive home right after. So, I'm planning some sort of downtime, maybe the following weekend. It's crucial to do that--the visits are so draining, physically, mentally, emotionally.
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Yes indeed, too many to go into after a lifetime with a narcissistic mother and it's like having PTSD for life. Having changed my phone number and gone low contact I'm a couple of months into recovery but still always so tired and sleep a lot.

My mother's in a nursing home and tomorrow is her birthday/ I've been filled with dread at having to visit so today I got it over with. A card, big bunch of flowers, loads of chocolates and specialty cookies, she was pleasant ("when you come next time I want this and this") and, after a suitable amount of time I fled. I'm so tired again and I'd like to nap, or at least get to bed really early, but then I'll be awake in the middle of the night unable to sleep. Baby steps, one day at a time.
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For my husband, it was asthma. He outgrew it when we got married.
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