Mom loves going to day care because the caregivers are kind and nurturing. How can we, the children, be more patient, kind and nurturing?

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1morecg ,
i have an approach that differs from yours a little bit . the two family elders ive helped out were / are treated like a patient by nearly everyone around them EXCEPT me . i treat them not only as an equal but i solicite their advice at times . they remain in the drivers seat and both have made the statement at different times that they just felt " safe " with me .. i think they mean im not trying to control them . both were demented but in their more clear moments a lot wiser than people give them credit for .
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Is your complaint that some of the kids care for mom differently, or badly? Or is it that they complain, to her, about why she can't do more for herself? If their caregiving even appraches abuse, I'd think twice about having them around mom.Who has poa?
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thanks jeannegibbs
Alz mild to moderate, and most of the time mom can follow conversation, mom lives alone but gets 24/7 more 'just in case' care from children and on weekends gets hired care givers. Six children all chip in to some degree, but of course can never be equally since that is subjective. Children have varying approaches - some read up, some talk up, some write up, some ignore, some deny, some complain, some do much, some little, etc. Basically like herding cats. Several attempts to have group meetings failed, website posting and email writings ignored, where no time when all children sat in same room to discuss and more importantly agree on care level by each, or at least intention.
Mom still cognizant of 'differences' in individuals and talks about it to certain individuals, but in the case of group get togethers, like dinners, it remains one of several elephants in the room. Maybe not so uncommon, but I'm sure there are families that have resolved differences for the sake of mom.
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It is so good that Mom loves the day care and that she gets to go there.

What is her home situation? Does she live alone? With one or more of her children? Her house or theirs? Who is her primary caregiver?

Day care staff are trained about the kinds of impairments their clients have. If they accept people with dementia, the staff learns about dementia and positive, nurturing ways to deal with the people who have it. They have also chosen this type of work to devote their lives to. And they have lives outside of taking care of their clients. They go home after a work day.

Often children don't know much about the disease their parent has. Either denial or ignorance keeps them from learning about it. And they did not chose to deal with someone with dementia -- it was thrust upon them, whether they felt up to it or not. And all too often the main caregiver is overwhelmed with 24/7/365 care duties.

At least in your situation Mom is cared for by someone else part of the time, and no child has 24/7 responsibility.

The first step of improving caregiving skills is to learn about the disease -- in this case Alzheimer's. There is a wealth of material for this purpose.

Then learn about interacting with someone with dementia. There are books and articles about that, too. Often hospitals or clinics hold "classes" in caregiving. Joining a caregivers' support group can be helpful. Hanging around AgingCare is useful, too!

Recognize that not everyone is equally qualified to be a nurturing caregiver. Those that have the hardest time with that role such perhaps find other ways to be supportive of the ones who are best suited to day-to-day cargiving.

Whoever does the caregiving HAS to have time to his or herself to recharge the batteries.

Good luck to you in your quest to improve the quality of caregiving your mother receives outside of day care!
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Since dad died earlier this year, mom enjoys being able to get out and about. She has moderate Alz but functions well for being 80. Her relief is at day care while some of her stress is from the children being more controlling and less unforgiving for a condition she cannot help - aging and Alz. Brought up several times that she should be treated like a patient not an equal, but not yet registering among all children.
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