How to deal with children meddling in marriage of dad to non mother wife.

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How do you deal with the children trying to threaten abuse charges even when no abuse is going on and they have had full access to home and father all along? I have tried being as open as possible but it is just getting uglier and uglier as far as the implications of abuse and neglect. They also imply that their dad does not get enough time out socializing without me. He has impaired vision and does not drive so I am his primary transportation. I do at times drop him off or wait in the car so that he can visit freely.

Any suggestions?

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luvinlife -
I'm thinking of how you can protect yourself in case they try to do more than threaten. Can you make sure that the professionals in your husband's life will support you?

Maybe talk to his doctor to get a list of the care and treatments he should receive, and a report of what you are doing to make sure his needs are met. Do you have a pastor, lawyer, or some of his friends who can visit and see for themselves how he is feeling? Maybe find a social worker through the doctor or Visiting Nurse or the hospital who can do an assessment.

Is your husband a little depressed, and putting on a good face in front of you? Men are often afraid to disappoint their wives by showing weakness. He may have said something minor that the kids are making a mountain out of. Has he ever seen a psychiatrist or therapist or social worker? Getting a professional assessment of his mood gives you one more form of support, and maybe he would feel even better with an antidepressant.

I have suggested a bunch of things to do. If you do even one or two, you will be more protected against bogus charges.

Do the kids feel guilty that you are doing it all and they aren't helping? Or are they just unhappy, sad, and angry to see their Daddy in a decline? Maybe they have a fantasy that he SHOULD still be healthy and sharp. In their fantasy, it is somehow your fault. I don't know them, but it might work to talk to the sad child with sympathy, and disregard the critical adult.

"Don;t you hate to see him this weak? I wish we could turn back time, so he could be healthy again."

"That's a good suggestion. How do you think we can arrange for him to get out by himself more? I'm sure he gets bored with my face day in and day out."

It's not easy to listen to criticism when you work so hard and try to take care of EVERYTHING. You know you're trying your best, so let them have their say, and then acknowledge them by saying you know how much they love their father. God bless you.
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I was thinking about therapy being helpful too. If your husband will not go, go yourself. I am in a situation where sig other's ex wields the control over the adult kids, who I have not even met yet, because it would upset their mother. They have no similar concern about their father. However, they are not causing any trouble as such. He sees them and grandchildren at Christmas and we have "our" time around New Year. I have agreed to that. Other than that, there is not much of a problem. He also is afraid of losing them. It is sad when these kinds of things happen. Apparently the major cause of friction in second and subsequent marriages is the children. I do not take it personally either, and pray for their healing. I have a very dysfunctional mother and have some understanding of their fear of upsetting her.

You say the kids are trying to threaten abuse charges. I think I would tell them to go ahead and put their money where their mouth is or stop it. I would detach from these veiled threats and implications. This sounds to me like anger at the situation/divorce and nothing really to do with you personally. Is the ex in the picture at all? They are bullying you and if they sense that they are upsetting you they will continue. It sounds like you are doing what you should with regard to your husband's care. What is his take on this? I agree if dad lets his kids rule they will try to, but I think you can establish some boundaries. Therapy can hep you with that, Good luck and let us know how it works out.
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I spent the last 7 years of a new marriage to an incredible man battling his adult children - their lies, their poisonous actions, and hatred almost broke us apart because HE had no boundaries and let his kids walk all over them for fear they would not love him anymore. FIVE years of therapy later, we have the BEST marriage ever and he is stronger and more fabulous than ever for setting some limits to his kid's meanness around here. They are polite and 'appropriate', tho they still don't talk to me if they don't have to -- and I decided to reside in a place of love for them and not take it all so personally. Therapy helped me quite a bit too!
If the dad lets his kids rule --- they will! Take back your life! Set some boundaries.
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Something else occurred to me that was relevant in my situation. The only person who can fix the situation is your husband himself. Sometimes they won't say anything because they don't want their kids mad at them, so they leave their new wife fending for herself. If your husband doesn't have your back and tell the kids that you are his wife and he loves you, the kids will keep it up. I don't know how incapacitated he is, but perhaps he needs to deal with the children about their feelings.
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It is a big problem for second wives. Some children welcome a new women. Others will sabotage the relationship at every step. Some will go as far as to poison the relationship with words and lies. A major problem in defending yourself is that they are his children, so you can't talk truthfully about them without making their father angry. So what to do? In your situation I would tell them to come pick up their father and spend all the alone time they want with him... and hope they don't use their words to poison your marriage. I wouldn't drop him off and wait in the car. That could be seen as a hostile act.

My last marriage was poisoned by a daughter who wanted her father to herself. I ended up letting them have each other. It was ugly.
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