Why do some children feel they are entitled to their parent's money?

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My father-in-law could be at risk of being taken advantage of financially by two of his children (technically his step children though he raised them and has always considered them his children). These two want him to transfer money to them even though he is a community spouse whose wife is on medicaid in an Alzheimer's LTC setting.


These children are telling him they will put the transferred money in an account to be returned to him if he ever needs it. An attorney who helped with his wife's medicaid application process and wrote a letter concerning a recent appeal included a paragraph (for his children's benefit) of why my father-in-law should not consider transfers at this point. All transfers must be disclosed during his wife's medicaid redetermination and could cause further scrutiny. Plus a transfer could jeopardize future care options for my father-in-law in a 60 month look back should his care needs increase. This attorney also explained how these sort of verbal family arrangements can often go awry and leave the elderly person unprotected.


We had hoped this letter would quell the interest in Dad's money, but that had not been the case. These two children sought their own legal advice and say their attorney (whom they view as more qualified) thinks these transfers would be OK.


I handle all of my in-laws finances and advocate medically for both though I am not their POA. My husband is my father-in-law's only biological child. We want my father-in-law to keep all assets where they are for his use. We want to avoid scrutiny and trouble down the road. Neither of us want any part of transferring monies. We are the only ones involved with helping the folks while the others provide stress and negative opinions, but no real assistance.


We fear Dad could be convinced to make transfers to "save peace" with these two because he had always tried to compensate and make them feel he is not treating them differently since they are not his natural children.


My father-in-law is a Veteran with PTSD and a 100% disability. This is causing him a great deal of stress. We have informed his VA social worker who also works with him in a group setting of these family dynamics. She is trying to empower him to say NO because he has shared he really doesn't want to make any transfers. This is all SO unsettling.


If the other two are successful in receiving a transfer I will step out of managing finances and inform the state of my reasons and departure date. This might protect my husband and me but will not benefit my father- in-law as we fear the others will not act with integrity or be responsible with financial oversight.


Any suggestions?

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Glad I could help! You gotta get this stuff resolved before too late, it's a biggie because if they are compromised in anyway, the kids can accuse YOU or your husband of "unfairly influencing" etc. You just don't want to give them any ammo. They may still throw tantrums, accuse you, and they probably will so just be prepared! You are far from alone in these selfish family dynamics, just do what you can to protect from the jackals that only want the money! Let me know when you get things worked out, I would love to hear a success story! Hang in there, you can do this and yes, your right, your husband must be the one or they will surely point the finger at you and make you the villian.
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Wow, I think we have alot in common as far as our nurturing caregiver role. I quit my job and my full time job is caring for the in- laws. I too have invested time in trying to learn how to best care for my in-laws. Have even contemplated getting licensed as a CNA to better care for them or work PRN in the home my mother-in-law is in. Instead I volunteer in the home.

My husband's siblings don't need their folks money...in fact one owns his own business and is supposedly a millionaire. The other mitt not be living at the level she would want to be at, but her choices are to blame AND she is certainly not destitute.

We can be thankful to have husbands thst are good providers AND thankful to be able to provide this care.

You did not overwhelm me at all. I appreciate knowing I am nkt the only one out here dealing with messed up family dynamics.
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Totally agree and just wrote a to do list my husband asked me to provide stating rither we get the legal ability to protect the Dad or we just hand it all over. I do not want to keep stressing about the what ifs and expending SO much time and energy to try to to what is right when one major medical event or cognitive decline (very likely since my father- in-law struggles with debilitating PTSD anxiety and depression) could change everything once the brother and sister realize they they could declare their POA status in order to orchestrate their financial schemes.

My father-in-law recently talked about getting this POA stuff done so I believe he is willing. I just want my husband leading these changes not me.

It is a strange situation since everyone in the family is content to let me handle everything for their folks...though my husband does occassionally help some.

Thanks for your input Rainey69!
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Dealing with the anger and resentment? Very difficult, I struggle with it a lot. In a nutshell, my Dad left Mom when I was 2, I had three older brothers, I was the baby, my oldest brother struggled with substance abuse and ODed almost 20 years ago. He was my favorite. My middle brother I have never truly known who he really was because he was always holed up in his room, getting high, hording food, talking about surface BS so I feel no real connection to him. He shows up to visit Mom maybe once or twice a year for about 20 minutes tops. Worthless. My youngest brother, "the manipulative weasel" has been on disability seemingly forever now, self inflicted, major prescrip drug abuser to the point of he fryed his brain out and he abused me for many years as a child. Yep, just your typical dysfunctional family here, then I end up having to care for Mom, my career and life have completely changed, no fun time or travelling for me and "I" am the villian because my Mother wanted to live with me and take full care of her. Resentment? You bet! They only see that they are not getting what they had imagined they would get monetarily. They thought she would die long ago because she had cervical cancer, got a horrible case of lymphedema in one leg as a result of surgery, she has gone septic a handful of times until I had her therapist show me how to care for it by compression wrapping and constantly caring for it. Also, I jumped into the low paying job as a caregiver part time so I could better learn to care for people with dementia and other elder health issues so Mom would not have to pay 30 an hour just to look after her. I was a kitchen and bath designer making much more prior to all this. If it weren't for my husband, I could not afford to care for her by working part time. Yep, hard to be just a little ray of sunshine under the circumstances but I do the best I can making sure she is safe, has whatever she needs and keep her from being a victim of greedy siblings. Thanks for listening, hope I didn't overwhelm you! Oh, one last thing, my Mom was an RN who spent her life working in Convelecent Homes (I call them Death's waiting Room) and there was just no way I could ever dream of sending her back to where she spent her entire working career as my middle brother suggested. Even if I had, she would have already blown through most of her money already. She has been with me for almost 4 years now. Those types of places around here are anywhere from 6 to 8K a month! She would also have had to pay for a specialist to come and care for her leg on a regular basis so add that on, $$$$$$!!!!!
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Hmmmmm, sounds like a bad situation. If daughter has expressed no interest in being POA, then she needs to step up and say that to her parents, they can have it changed if she tells them she wants no part of it, right? Just out of curiosity, it this an Elder Law Attorney they are working with? Seems not right you being the advocate, handling finances, and have no say if you see the kids trying to pull one over on parents. I had to boot my brother off the property because everytime he came to see Mom, he was extorting money out of her one way or another and my Mother is no longer mentally competant nor handling her finances. It's me. I warned him to knock it off but he just kept at it until I took her checkbook away and her credit/bankcards and told him I did not want him coming on the property anymore because he was nothing but a greedy weasel taking advantage of Mom. Now I am the villian. I don't care because he can't do squat since I have POA on everything. I must protect her and her money because she is not rich and who knows how long she will live? My goal is to make sure she doesn't end up broke or taken advantage of so they can call me whatever they want, my conscious is clear and I sleep fine at night. The daughter is not going to have their best interest at heart if she has expressed she wants nothing to do with being POA so if they are smart, they will have it changed before anything happens and may be too late.
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Opps.. My mother-in-law is not competent.

Rainey 69 I totally understand what you say about putting your life and career on hold and all you get is ugliness, criticism.

How do you deal with the anger and resentment? I am flipping mad and stressed to the max all the time by these two siblings self-serving schemes.

I did this sort of care for my own folks. I have a great deal of knowledge and compassion and don't mind doing the actual care to help my husbands folks. BUT I am incredulous about what I see as patental abuse.
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Thanks...though my father-in-law needs a great deal of help he is still competent to be his wife's POA and make his own decisions. If he were not the POA would pass to the daughter who has expressed she wants nothing to do with being her mom or her dad's POA , then it would pass to my husband.

We need to get my father-in-law over to change his POA and he has expressed a desire yo do this. However, because my mother-in-law is not incompetent the lawyer says it will be very difficult yo change her POA status and thst we need to get the daughter to write a letter stating she does not want these duties then they will pass to my husband. About three years ago when a social worker explained this the daughter's response was, "I dont have time to write a letter and she told me to write her letter for her and she'd sign it. I was doing all the work and still am). So I wasn't about to write her letter for her...especially since I am the daughter-in-law. But I sure wish I had now that they are pressuring dad to transfer his money over.


The nursing home is aware of these dynamics and at my fsther-in-law's request as POA they call me for care decisions related to my mother-in-law's care.
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If you can appeal to their benefit, expressing concerns, get POA or there is nothing you can do to stop them. If you are the one they obviously trust to handle the finances and be their advocate, I do not see why they would hesitate putting you down as POA. If you can speak to this attorney, he may also have good advice for you to appeal to the decision of being POA with showing you have been handling all this anyway. But........be prepared for a backlash from the sibs, they will see you as the obstacle that stopped what they were attempting to do. The attorney should have advice on that score as well.
I have POA over my Mom and thank god because my brothers would have bled her dry and or shoved her in a home where she would have been broke in a hurry. I have been villianized and accused of all kinds of crap I have never done or said, all because I was the one Mom chose and adhered to her wishes. They are mad because all they care about is HER MONEY, not theirs, HER'S! They do not attempt to spend time with her or help in anyway. It's all me caring for her with all her issues, saving the money so she doesn't go broke, had to put my life and career on hold, do they care? NO. All they are concerned with is what they see as their "cut" so they have blamed me for Mom's choice like I coerced her into the decision. Buckle up! Be tough, and do what you feel is right if you see the vultures already circling.
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