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Today, I sent an email to the person who is in second place per the TRUST should I decide I no longer wish to do this Care giving and Management of estate. I said: Just want to remind you that you are in Second Place if I decide to leave. OMG, she came unglued...She emailed me back and said, well sell the house NOW while you are there, don't leave that to me. And find the HOME now...Then, I WILL DO THE BEST I CAN FROM HERE. Well I was nice I did not write back and remind her that we cared for her dad for 6 years while she lived in a far away place and visited for 3 days once a year. After I upset her and scared her, I told her I had no intention of leaving. I just felt good putting someone in their place that always says to me,,,if there is anything I could do, you know I would....Ya Right I know I am bad.....I think it is time for my Partner to find a different person for Second Place in the Trust. And, I will check them out. After-all something could happen to me and I want to make sure he is going to be alright.

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Oregongirl, if there's a moral it's - look after yourself as well as you possibly can :) No one could replace you in his eyes anyway, so I hope it never comes to that.
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Thanks all of you for your comments. I wrote an answer, but I don't see it on here. I agree that it was not very nice to expect another person to care for my Partner the way I do. Now that I know what her expectations will be, I can SOMEWHAT plan ahead... I have a heart condition and I guess I wanted her to care for him the way I do. Won't happen. But, she will be great at financial obligations and now that I know her true feelings, I will change the long term plan. I just cannot expect someone to want to do the care giving part, but she will love him, I am sure and will make sure where he is will be safe...I could not ask for more. After much thought, I agree with all of you. I hear so many horrible stories and I was so concerned about what would happen to him. But, since I will not be leaving unless I die, I won't know what is going on anyway. I cannot plan out life for anyone other than myself. You all certainly stepped up to the plate and were honest...That says a lot about the people on here.
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Yeah, that was a bit unfair. It's like telling the understudy "you're on!" - how was she to know that you were just calling her bluff? Do you have any reason to think that if it did come to it there would be a better candidate for second place? Anyone in mind?
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I think it's a great idea to test the waters. It gives you an idea of how the person would react in the real situation. It sounds like she'd do the best she could overall, but doesn't want much of the responsibility if she can help it. That's not a horrible attitude, but not exactly confidence inspiring for good long-term care. If your partner really wants her, it might be time for a good discussion with her about your expectations and what she'd be willing/able to do from a distance. And if you decide to change the back-up person, that same conversation needs to happen. Until you've been an actual caregiver, you may not have much knowledge of what can be required.
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I can kinda understand why she went off the rails if out of the blue you sent an e-mail implying you were leaving and the ball was now in her court. E-mail communication is always a problem in that we can spew out our thoughts and hit send before we take the time to cool off, it sounds as though she is the type to go on the offensive when put on the spot. It doesn't sound as though you have a very cordial relationship, but it doesn't necessarily mean she wouldn't step up if needed. Why are you stirring the pot now???
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Yup, oregon, you are bad. Though I am too. Sis is POA and trustee with me second. Sis wanted to wait to move mom to facility until "sometime this summer". She has been asked and asked and asked. I finally got sick of it and made it happen much sooner than everybody else wanted because it was more convenient for them. Now sis has to deal with mom all the time, get house ready for sale, and quite frankly she is not a happy camper. But, she is also a control freak so would never pass on her job to me. And that is more than ok, i have had my fill of this care nonsense, four years worth!
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