Follow
Share

I've finally managed to talk my 84 yo father into visiting an assisted living apartment next week. He's gotten more and more frail especially since my mom passed away earlier this year. I moved in with them both several years ago but now I can't take care of him and he certainly can't take care of himself. I hired a home health aide to come in 4 hours each day but the rest of the time I'm about it when I get home from work at a hospital nearby. I'm exhausted and depressed and finally lied to him and said I need to go out of town a few weeks and the doctor says he can't be alone anymore. He of course thinks he's fine but can hardly get out of the chair without help. Now the last three weeks he's had colitis with near constant diarrhea (house stinks) and I finally made the decision he has to go.

I found a very nice place nearby where he can have a nice 1br apt and they'll do care thru end of life so I'd never have to worry about the dreaded nursing home. He finally realized its a good idea and this house is to big and I need to just be a son not a caregiver. Of course I have to hope he doesn't change his mind!

Anyway some questions.

1. I have full poa, including medical, financial and mental health. Can I "make" him move if it comes to that? I know I can get his doctor to write he can't care for himself.

2. My biggest worry is him being taken advantage of. How can I ensure he won't change his poa or anything after he moves? He's so lonely he'd be an easy target for a swindler lady type I read about here. I manage everything now and I have a good paying career so I need to know I can continue to manage his affairs.

3. He sits around the house here waiting for me to get home (unfair). Have you noticed after moving to assisted living that the person makes friends? Right now he does nothing but my hope is he develops a social circle.

4. Do I need to get guardianship? What is involved with that?

Like I said my biggest worry is him being scammed or marrying some lady he thinks he loves because he's lonely. He has $$ so he is a potential target.

Thanks.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
It is my understanding that it does not cost anything to revoke a POA. He just does so in writing, notarize, witness. The Enduring POA or Durable in USA, comes into effect after person is deemed incompetent by a Geriatrician. In order to revoke this kind you'd need a lawyer. I agree with the online approach to banking, I did it before I got a regular POA, and back it up now if need be with the regular POA.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If, he is not incompetent (via drs written documentation) the POA is not invoked.
You cannot force him into living or staying in AL if he doesn't want to be there or determines later that he no longer wants to live there. I suggest you enlist his drs or case workers help in convincing him to go. If he is not mentally incompetent there is nothing you can do to force it. He can discharge himself and a court will support his wishes if he says he wants to stay at home and hire nurses or assistants to care for him.

You do not want guardianship. This will take legal action at your expense not his to have independent evaluations, doctors, court and lawyer fees. Once you get guardianship you will still be accountable so it's not the easy way out.

What do you intend to do with the house? Is it in his name? Can he sell it to pay for his care long term? These are things you need to consider. Will you live there? He's young at 84 so he could live a long time.

Lastly, check all the fees for assisted living. If he needs any assistance, there could be extra fees so you need to understand what those are and anticipate your monthly fees.

It is likely he will have new friends and activities but no guarantee that he will participate. My FIL went for 2 wks to AL as respite and refused to leave his room and wanted many meals in his room. Although this was a great facility and they coaxed him, they didn't waste a lot of time forcing the issue so he didn't get the great benefits of socialization we'd hoped for.

The other posters have it correct about the POA. As long as he is competent, he has control and can change at will, though usually not likely as it costs with attorney to change...but there are always those unscrupulous individuals that will offer to pay the attorney Out of their own pocket "to help him" if they think there is more to gain. You have to remain involved with whatever you decide with dad and be diligent in managing.

Good luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I understand your concern. My mom lives on her own, she visits my sister on weekends. We do guard her money, not because we want it, but because we would not want her duped. I recently had her account statements converted to online to prevent stacked mail with financial info. Sounds like you will be able to stay involved. Online access to review his account is a good way to keep track. If he wants to occasionally gift assistants , that is not a bad thing as long as he can afford it, and it is not out of control. If you see the balance declining you will know something is up, you cannot address a problem that has not occurred, just be on the lookout. Also make yourself seen and known, cons prey on the weak, if they see you have his back, he won't seem like an easy target, there are plenty of abandoned elderly for cons to prey on.

Do not be overly suspicious, some people are just nice. My mom's cleaning lady grew into a true family friend. She would drop by on my parents and bring food when I was out of town on business or vacation.....NEVER, asked for a penny for her gestures. She visits mom once in a while just to keep her company. I see as a family and personal friend. The fact that we originally met as an employee is just a happenstance of how this kind person came into our lives.

Good luck
L
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I would be MORE concerned about the health problem you mentioned. That is not normal to have colitis like that. If you enjoy being with your father, then get a caregiver in to help-- that would be your least expensive alternative. You can also get your father in to an AL just for respite care while you are out of town. If you think it would be good for him to be around other people, then check out an AL, they usually have activities plus people are seated together for dining, and his care need would be taken care of. As for the POA, your father can revoke it at any time... even verbally. Sometimes as people progress into dementia, they can become confused, but you don't mention that your father is not mentally competent.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Terri, why so mean??? If he was after $$$, he'd never be spending them on assisted living! I'm in principle against lying too, but seriously, how could he tell Dad that his care is too much of a burden while working fulltime, especially when its not his fault he came down with diarrhea. At least this gets him to look at the assisted living, and I would suspect this son will not neglect to make sure he is well cared for and visited often. Some people really do thrive in assisted living and some really even need it if their caregiver simply cannot be with them 24-7 and can't otherwise fill in the gaps...
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

If he is mentally competent, it would be none of your business if he changes it and if you threw me out because you couldn't be bothered helping me out of a chair and because I had diarrhea and smelled up your little mansion, believe me the first thing I would do in assisted living is get a lawyer and give him or her my entire range of POA. You've already lied to him and are dumping him off on others so is it his many $$$$ you want to protect for your own self after he dies? My father in law is 85 and he has a new lady and we are happy for both of them. In fact, she has plenty of $$$$ herself.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Your concern is viable and you have not mentioned if your father has dementia or alzheimers of if he is just having a difficult time getting around. If a person is not of sound mind they can no longer make decisions about changing their POA and giving it to anyone in a facility. If your father is of sound mind then he could make changes but if you keep a good relationship with him and see him often then I doubt you will have this problem. Guardianship is long, hard and expensive, so don't go there unless you have to.

To be safe, why not set up an appointment with your attorney and ask him what he suggests.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Yes, you can encourage him to go into a facility, and if he is incompetent he will have no choice with you having a POA. No one is going to scam him in a nursing facility and no other woman will get her hands on his money without you knowing something about it. Most staff already know the romances that go on, and will report to you. He will make friends and that is great for him and you can visit twice a month and live your life. Enjoy and give him another chance at making friends. Believe me, if he has dementia, patients cannot connect the dots in order to scam anyone. Relax son.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If he's not generally the "grumpy old man" type, he very likely will make friends quickly at the AL. Be prepared to still hear him complain though. I've seen people who are having a really wonderful time and are so grateful and happy that they made the move, but they still complain to their children every chance they get (I have no friends, I sit alone at dinner, I don't do any activities, the staff is unresponsive, and so on). Once he has moved in, check in with the director or activities person once in awhile to get both sides of the story.
While it's true that someone can change their POA at any time and it can be difficult to get a guardianship, that's no reason to sit idle and watch someone gain your father's trust then swindle him. Sit with a good elder law attorney and work on securing his finances in a way that makes him a less attractive target for someone with dubious motives.
It is his money and he can do as he pleases with it, but that's not a reason to leave him vulnerable to being taken advantage of. His assets are what gives him lots of choices as he continues to decline, you have every right to try to protect them for him. If his money goes, the only choice he is left with is Medicaid and the nursing home.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My POA experience was that I needed two doctor's letters of incapacity in order to sell Mom's home when we had to. By that time Mom was really not capable of even looking up phone numbers and making calls so she would not have been able to do anything really dangerous financially or otherwise, so I never had to put her through guardianship, (they apparently have to be presented with the papers and told what is going on, and may contest it...Mom would have been emotionally devastated) so I know that was a blessing. But if you have to, you have to. I would say go ahead and get the letters, at least! And, I hope they can treat the colitis, it sounds miserable for him....hugs...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

As was already stated, if he is mentally competent and changes his POA, that is your father's discretion.

With that said, I think taking him on a tour would be a great idea (we did that with Mom so she was mentally prepared). I met residents who were literally picked up and dropped off by one of their children into ALF and it was very traumatic for them.

No stage of caring for our parents is smooth or easy. It's just another faith walk and trial, really. Blessings.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Tired - i understand your dilemma, and it's never easy. About the POA, as long as he is considered competent and cognitive, he can change his POA. When we were updating my mom's legal about a dz years ago, we did the POA's and her attorney (estate attorney) had her also do a "Guardianship in Case of Incapacity". What he told us, that the GICofI provides a trump card for family in case momma or daddy in a fit of pique decides to change the POA. With it and a letter from a MD, it gives you the ability to continue to act as the POA. Basically buys you time to deal with stuff without having to shut it all down & go for guardianship. This is in TX and works for TX law. It is well worth pulling all your dad & late mom's legal and financials together and go see and elder law attorney. Are you doing probate for mom? If you haven't, that could be good as you could change some of her assets to be diverted to others rather than dad inheirit all. The probate attorney will have names of elder law attorney's too.

I'd highly suggest that you look into more than 1 AL facility. If he has the ability to private pay for AL, then there are lots more options out there and 1 AL might not be the best fit for him. What you don't want to have happen is to move Dad in and then within the next 90 days you get a letter from the facility that although they just love Dad, his level of care needed is not what they do at this AL and he needs a higher level of care. For my mom, when I moved her into IL (it is a "tiered" facility that has IL, AL, NH and hospice unit), she had to go to 2 visits to the IL...they were both obviously looking to see if she was suited for IL. She "passed" but I know of friends of her's who didn't and 1 went to AL and the other NH. When they are coming from living at home (my mom from her home of 50+ years), it is often really hard for family to be objective with their parents ability and to be realistic about just what a IL, AL or NH will provide. I'd be concerned about his chronic diarrhea 7 his inability to transition (move from chair to chair, from bed to chair to potty), that is more of a skilled nursing needed placement. A resident who always has diarrhea will be a liability for the AL and the other residents and they may ask him to move.
The ability to move from bed to chair, etc, well they kinda expect the resident to be able to do most of this on their own with some assistance. Totally needing others to do this or need a full bathing team to get clean is usually a NH placement. Really you don't want to have to go through all this all over again if you can help it.

Also although you may think that Dad has the funds to private pay, the $ goes fast.
AL can cost 3K - 5k a month plus whatever charges are placed in addition. If they live long enough (unless they are generationally wealthy) they will eventually run out of $ and will decline to the point of needing skilled nursing care (a NH) and will have to apply for Medicaid. You want to plan ahead for that possibility and the 5 year look-back. Really take some of Dad's $ and see an attorney to get their experience on how to deal with this and how Medicaid is managed in your state.
Good luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I'm a caregiver of my grandpa who has dementia. I signed him up for adult daycare because he is not being mentally stimulated at his home with only the 2 of us. My sister who lives with him goes to work and doesn't come home until the evening. When she leaves for work, I come in and babysit him and he doesn't see the rest of the family (his other daughter/my aunt and my cousins) except during the weekends. I was lucky to find a local daycare that accepts his medicaid insurance and we don't pay anything (except the gas taking him there and picking him up.) This daycare is a blessing. He gets his social activities and they also serve breakfast, lunch, and snacks.

There is also a home health nurse that visits once a week who assists with his bath, does his vitals, checks up on him and his meds, etc. If we want, they can also send a home health aide to come in and do light housekeeping. And that is paid for by his medicare insurance.

So if I were you, I would look around for adult daycares that accept your father's insurance so you don't have to pay.
Then look into home health care services so they can have a home nurse come and visit. Do an assessment and evaluation on him, assist with his bath, do light housekeeping and light meal preparation, check and refill his meds, send a home health doctor to come, physical therapy, etc. Most of them accept medicare so you don't have to pay either.

Hope this helps!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

POA is totally his choice as long as he is conpetent he has a right to his own decisions. I feel your concerns of someone trying to take advantage of him, but unfortunately this is out of your hands until such time he is unable to make his own decisions. All you can do really is continue to be a good part of his life and monitor things by visiting him often. At his age I really don't think that marriage is on his agenda, but stranger things have happened. Don't worry be happy for him as he continues on with his life and meets new people to fill the voids he is feeling. Ease your mind to know that he is being cared for. Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If he is mentally competent you can not make him do anything. Your job as POA is to assist him with his affairs. Being disable, or not able to fully take care of one's own needs does not mean he is mentally incapable. I would steer clear of a guardianship at this time, expensive and you have what you need for now. If you have a durable power of attny when he is deemed mentally incompetent by a doctor then you can make decisions for him in his best interest. I am sure you can find all of this information on the net like most of us here use to research. He can change his mind at any time about his POA as long as he is mentally competent and their is nothing you can do about it. Unless you are willing to be with him 24/7 you can not control his life, let him live and let live as you wish to live your own life, visit often and be there for him.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.