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My mother has dementia I left my professional job that I worked too hard for many years. for the last 8 years I took care of her nutrition medical entertainment, cleaning, hygiene etc. I am very tired and exhausted. I yell too much at mom and yell more if she refuses to wash her hands or change to a point I get severe headache and after a while I cry and apologize for my mom. My dear mother forgives me even. She tells me she loves me and I know she is upset. My mother loves me and I know that. She tries to make me happy also she tries all her best. I feel so sorry for mom she used to be very smart. I am not trying to give myself excuses I know I should not yell. I am alert 24/7 to her needs. She has very poor hygiene which make me more alert to keep things at least not that dirty. I feel I spent most my life in the bathroom to make sure mom clean and no miss everywhere. I am so tired. I wake up at nights several times for the same reason just to be clean stop the dirt go out the bathroom. I wash my hands everyday many thousands of time. My brother offered to keep mom with him for a week to give me some rest. I am wondering if I do that does that will worsen moms memory.

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Hope, with a break, with some proper sleep you will be feeling better, soon. Jeanne is right, depression is treatable! And you are correct, you are not yourself as of late. You are not a bad person for yelling, and that can change! Remember, when as a teenager, you had overnights at a friends house? Just to have fun and get away from mom? We called it slumber parties, today it is called sleepovers.
That's all you need, some breaks, some temporary treatment for a situational depression. Whatever works for you, try that. Keep checking in with your 24 hour friends on here.
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Hope, how is your depression being treated? That is what is causing you to yell and to behave not as yourself. If you can possibly make an appointment while your mother is visiting you brother, please see a professional about this! Untreated, depression can be very debilitating, but it IS treatable.

I have dealt with depression at various times in my life. The most recent started while I was caregiving. How did I know? I worked from home and I cried on the phone with my boss, and I snapped at a co-worker (who is often annoying but who is a dear, sweet man and I'd never lost my patience with him before.) So I knew something was wrong -- those behaviors are not "me" and I wanted to be me again. I didn't want a "happy" pill -- just a "me" pill. Can you relate, Hope?

I urge you to do what you need to do to take care of you first, like parents should put on their own oxygen masks before helping their children.

Depression is NOT A CHARACTER FLAW -- it is a chemical imbalance, and it IS treatable. Yelling at your mother is not you. Please get back to being you. You deserve it, and your mother will benefit from it.
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You can certainly show your love and devotion to your mother by placing her somewhere that she may get around the clock care. You say you aren't able to do it anymore. Then that's the way you should proceed.

Are you her Power of Attorney? If so, then I would ask your siblings if they can take her in their home. Do you stay with her or is she in your home? Either way, let them know she needs full time care.

Most people who have not provided around the clock care to a dementia patient have no idea of the stress, work and responsibility involved. You'll have to be firm in your decision. I might seek some counseling to gain some confidence. Your mom wouldn't want you to ruin your health, would she? Don't let the siblings dissuade you. Find out what she can afford or what she qualities for and explore the options. When you can't do it anymore, then it's time for a change. Listen to your own inner voice. It sounds like you being a great advocate for you mom.
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Sunnygirl, I meant to a point I can not do it is the point when I can not help mom and be her caregiver and I can not help myself. I feel I am so tired emotionally and physically. when I told my siblings that I need time off they all said to me I am the best candidate to mom since they have families except one brother . my brother wants to help me and I felt that time if allowed that then I will be a bad daughter and could not commit my promise to mom to take care of her. I reached to a point that I feel I have stop for a while for moms sake and me. I hate myself now for yelling. and now I feel it is the time to move on without other siblings approval. I WANT to help my dear mother and be the loving daughter as I used to be. again I am not yelling all the time. I yell specially when moms hands dirty and refuse to wash even after begging her for more than hour. At this point I feel I am so consumed and no longer I can continue begging her.
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Hope14, it's great you are so devoted to your mom, but you can love her just as much if you are not her around the clock care provider. Not all adult children can stay home and take care of a parent with dementia. As you know, it's very stressful and overwhelming. You say you want to avoid reaching a point that you can't do it. At what point is that?


I would ask for help and try to be realistic about the matter. I would explore the options and give it some thought. You won't be much help for your mom if you are burned out. Take care.
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I am hoping that you can get someone to come in occasionally to give you a day or half day off. I think this would be really good for both of you.
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Thanks for your answers. I feel better that mom will be okay. please know that I do not yell on mom intentionally. it just happens. there is a lot of good pleasant time with mom . I love mom very much. I can not see the world without her. I want just to recharge myself so I can help mom longer. I m trying to avoid t reach to a point where I can not help her or help myself. I am pre diabetic now , underweight , has deficiencies and depression. I want really to get myself back where I was before when I was helping mom with smiles and love. I hate myself when I yell . I spent nights crying and not able to sleep because of that. I do not believe this is me. I am the only one in my family dropped every thing to take care of mom
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Get the respite care now. You sound burned out. You mom will be fine. I had to move my loved one to a Memory Care unit from regular Assisted Living and she was leaving from the hospital. She did great. She wheeled her chair right into the room and started watching tv with her new friends and was content as could be. She never had one problem, so I know that sometimes a change my cause disruption, but not always. It might lift her spirits to have a change.
Can you get some regular help to come in? As your mom progresses, it's going to be more and more work. It might benefit you both.

And, with dementia, the memory will decline eventually.
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I totally agree with jeannegibbs. Take your brother up on his offer!
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Let your brother take her for a week! You NEED some time to relax!

Yes, sometimes a change in location will confuse a person with dementia. But being yelled at by a burned out caregiver isn't exactly wonderful, either. Persons with dementia can recover from being in a different environment for several days. Some will even enjoy it. So don't worry about that part. Let her spend some time with her son.
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