79 yr old Mother-in-law always says 'she just wants everyone to be happy' but she, herself is not and doesn't see it. She enjoys time with me versus my husband, her son. My husband has cared for her and his Dad through very difficult times medically, financially and emotionally. We've kept a roof over their heads for the last 20 years and now my MIL lives in a house she inherited. Lost my Father-in-law 3 years ago and my MIL has been begging my husband and I to move in with her. She is unable to drive, cannot do stairs, can't clean her house or do laundry. We've been committed to helping her every Saturday until last May when we made a room for ourselves and are trying to move in while purging all her stuff. It has been hard but we are 80% full time with her. She fights with my husband on the dumbest of things like replacing the toaster, clearing off the counter in the kitchen, making some updates around the house for her ease of mobility challenges and she refuses. She recently started talking a lot about the old days when her kids were little and when she was little. Doesn't talk about current issues or needs. Is it the start of dementia? When my husband discussed with her something as simple as he will pay her bills online versus us going to the post office every week, she argues that she doesn't trust the bank and she will find her own way to get the bill mailed. We've accommodate her requests for the last 5 years and we've wondered if we've created this 'spoiled brat/adult' as she acts literally like a 5 year old when we want to change something. My husband and I have cared for my parents, my grandparents and no one has been this stubborn when it comes to our help. We want to move next to a larger home and have asked her to join us but she refuses to answer us...do we just get her a caregiver and go on with our plans? The fighting with my husband is the hardest thing to watch considering all that he has done for her and his Dad. Do I find some therapist to talk to my MIL about why she is resistant or deal with her pity party that she continues to have?? Never in a million years would I have thought she would be a challenge for us as we've always been such a great team for 30 years.
I have no idea why you needed to support ur in-laws for so long. 20 yrs ago they could have still worked unless disabled in some way. If they could not afford their home it should have been sold and they downsize. My Dad was disabled at the age of 52 and died at 80. Mom never worked. There was 4 of us and my parents never asked us for money. Never asked us to mow their lawn or do any upkeep on their house. No, nothing you can do now, its in the past. Got to go from here.
If Mom is 79 you are in your 50s? Your future is very important now. If the inherited house is too much for her, then she needs to sell it. Take those proceeds and use them to put her in a nice apartment. You do whatever you need to do for you. Do not co-mingle ur money. Do not allow her to put money to a new house for all of u. Medicaid looks at this as gifting. It causes penalties for Mom and she may not get help with her care in the future. Any accts with her name in it Medicaid considers hers unless u can prove other wise.
Humoring and catering to her for years has helped turn her into a Senior Brat. She can't do anything for herself and can't even try. Why would she? Every time your MIL says "jump", you and your husband ask how high.
You and your husband will be making a big mistake that you will regret dearly if you move into her house.
Get a her a live-in caregiver. Then you and your husband move to your new place.
The situation will not improve if you move in with her. In fact, it will become far worse because it's her house. Her behavior towards your husband will get worse and you will both become nanny-slaves who will literally have to do everything for her.
Becoming live-in caregivers to a needy, elderly parent (s) takes a big toll on a marriage. Many times even the strongest and most loving of marriages end because of it. Mine did.
Please don't move in with your MIL. Take it from me. You and your man will be very sorry if you do.
Her new geriatrics doc referred her to a geriatric psychiatrist to try to get a handle on her endless anxieties. The geripsych insisted on a comprehensive neuropsych eval. We were dubious, since mom was "sharp as a tack".
Turns out mom had the reasoning ability of a 6 year old (a previously undiagnosed stroke had done quite a number on her brain.)
So yes, talk to her doctor about the changes you've seen in her behavior.
And if something needs to be done for her safety or well-being, just do it.
We have a poster here who used to be quite terrified of her elderly mother's anger and disapproval. Her therapist said to her " so you're mom gets angry. So what?"
It can be a liberating attitude to cultivate.
I would sit with your husband weekly (make this a ritual, big glass of red wine and a good talk in which ARGUMENT is not a factor). Tal about how the week went and how you feel about how you handled situations; what worked and what did not work. How to proceed.
Firstly, you cannot change anyone. Not Mom and not her son. Not any more than they can change YOU. But you need to seek what brings the best/the most peace. That eventually may be placement in the future, but for now you still have to deal with the day to day.
Now it's time for you and hubby to get together and decide how it's gonna be, and to stick to that. Most of all to SUPPORT one another.
I will tell you about once going to my Mom asking if I could go somewhere and she said the usual "Ask your Dad". I said "Why do you never just SAY whether I can or cannot. If I go to Dad he says 'Ask your Mom' and if I ask you you say 'Ask your Dad'." She sat me down then and there and said "This won't make sense to you now, but you will remember it some day. The best thing in the world you kids can have is a Mom and Dad who agree together what is right, and what you can do. You know you cannot divide and conguer us. Our united front is your safety net in life. You will understand that some day".
And now I do.
Don't let Mom make the two of you bicker or disagree. Don't judge how your hubby handles Mom. Don't let her tear you two apart. Support one another. Make the rules and the boundaries and stick to them. Read the book, Boundaries. It's an easy read full of anecdotes. I think it might help.
At 79 yrs old and her current behaviors being out of character for her, surely could be. I would work towards getting her diagnosed (a cognitive/memory test and labwork to discount a UTI) would be the logical place to start. You must always discount other health issues that can produce similar behavior symptoms: thyroid, diabetes, tumor, over- or under-medicating herself (if she's on anything), high blood pressure, dehydration, etc. It would be cruel to treat her like a "spoiled brat" if in fact she is not able to really help herself at this point.
Is your husband her PoA? If not, is anyone? This plus an Advance Healthcare Directive are important legal protections for her to create before it's too late. Change becomes more and more difficult for people in cognitive decline, and they have less and less ability to work from reason and logic.
If she trusts you I would use a "therapeutic fib" to get her in to her doctor ("Medicare now requires an annual physical"). Once there hand the staff a pre-written not asking for a cog/memory exam and for UTI and outline your concerns about her behavior. Discretely hand it to them before her exam. If possible try to be in the room with her on some excuse ("I'll hold your purse" "I'll take notes" whatever). At this appointment as for the Medical Representative form (it's a HIPAA form) and have her assign you as her Medical Representative. This will allow the doctor and staff to disclose her medical info to you without her having to be present or give any other permission. I did this with my own MIL and the staff was happy to oblige.
Do you visit her home much? If not you should poke around to see evidence of memory issues, confusion, unopened mail, unpaid bills, overdrafts on her account (my MIL hat $900+ worth) rotting food in fridge...etc.
Move in with her? Her live with you? That's a hard no.
Move forward with your own plans. It will only get worse. If MIL moves in with you down the road, remember this experience and have a clear understanding on matters great and small in writing with a clear set understanding of the house rules and financial responsibility.
She really needs a different home from the one you described but most of all she needs a different mind set. It’s like the tail wagging the dog. Life is too short.