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Just wanted to start a discussion about this very important topic.
I have been married for nearly 18 years and adore my husband. The stress of looking after my parents (even though they are in an AL facility two miles down the road...big mistake...far too close) is wearing thin on the both of us.
My mother has become so damn needy its beyond annoying! All she wants is to be with family.
She wants me to bring her over to our home just to "hang out".
While this isn't an impossibility I honestly don't have time for it as she will expect me to visit with her. She won't just 'hang out'.
My dad continues to stay in the hospital for his depression but is improving.
I understand her neediness but its become a problem.
I am so stressed out on getting that daily phone call, taking mom to see dad, hearing her whine, never bothering to participate in anything at her facility, feeling sorry for herself ...now is rejecting the upgrade on her cable.
Tough love is much needed now as I must save my marriage. My husband is a gem but he can only last so long with this.
I actually thought about giving him a divorce to protect him from this nonsense but that was just my crazy thinking (shows you how far I am getting.)
I love him too much but I also love him too much to put him through this shit!
God knows how much longer it will rob us of a life.
And its just not fair to be honest! WTH? They had their life. They had their travel time, their homes, their fun. Where is our fun? Our travel?
I know I must get tough with this. I have even found them a better AL place with more activities 9 miles from us. Mom has become beyond silly. "I can't be that far from you all" but hey...living nearly 200 miles away for over 25 years was OK. Unreal.
Anyway, I have whined enough.
How do you cope with your parents and balance your marriage?
Thanks


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http://www.cs.cornell.edu/home/kreitz/christian/boundaries/all.pdf
Have a look at the book. I'm dealing with a similar situation with my husband, my inlaws, and my marriage right now. You have more control than you think! They're your parents and you're the only one who can establish healthy boundaries between you and your parents.
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My husband is a saint - never complains but it all has to be frustrating. We haven't gone away from home for more than two nights in the past six years - and even then these mini "vacations" occur, maybe three times a year. This past fall I swear I went two solid months when everything I said to him began with "my mother..." Some how it dawned on me what I was doing and I had to put a stop to that. I don't know - I am doing the best I can at curtailing how much I let my mothers care take president in our lives - and I know I'm doing a much better job at compartmentalizing than I use to. For me it basically came down to making a conscious choice as to who had to come first - my husband or my mother? Really, it was an easy decision to make when it came right down to it.
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My relationship has gone down hill big time ever since the first time we started to help my parents [late 80's early 90's]... I was an only child who had no children, so I was it. My sig other's attitude was pretty much "not my parents, not my problem"... [sigh]. We are now at a point where just saying good morning turns into a heated discussion.

Oh how I wished I would have found this forum 7 years ago instead of 2 years ago, I would have done things so very different. But I think we all go into this saying we are going to help not realizing it will turn into a major situation down the road. If only I had a crystal ball.
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It is interesting how the parents who are so clingy, nosy, disrespectful, and greedy with our time rarely were caregivers or made much effort with their own parents.

I am slowly trying to make amends with my husband, who is SO burnt to a crisp by my father that we just do not speak of him. We all wish we could turn back time for a "do over"!?! We just have to make a conscious effort to make our spouses and kids number one as much as possible now!!!!
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I was caring for my mother and my mother in law at the same time my
MIL I one of the greediest selfish lying people to get their way I ever seen the doctors and threatened to out her in a senior care unit for 2 weeks because of mental problems
Nobody on either side of family would help and I have heart trouble instead they all knew mil is a habitual liar but chose to believe her and because of this the sister in law due to her crap had been made take her mom and deal with her I have came to the point I don't care what the families believe I am the one who lived thru the lies and deceit of this woman and don't feel any remorse to send her to her daughter who never wanted to help because they had a bad past and didn't get along
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freq , i so remember you one time proclaiming that men are mental midgets compared to women . that isnt necessarily true and im not surprised that you and your hubby have some attitude issues . there are about 99 % of women that i would backhand right thru the wall and into the side yard . in all fairness , 100 % of male friends would get there before the women . im a difficult sob but im not sexist .
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U remember who capt
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Captain, I have a friend named Helga that is 7 foot tall, beautiful long blonde hair, blue eyes, big shoulders, bench presses amazing amounts, who would love to make your aquaintance and discuss backhanding women through the wall and into the side yard. She will be right over.
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I have only been caregiving in person for two months, long distance for about 1-2 years. I made the decision to put Mom in memory care, safest for her, best for my family:hubby and kids. She moves in a week, been in our home about five weeks. Tonight hubby told me I was being inconsiderate and didn't understand the sacrifices he and the kids were making. I've tried really hard not to ask them for much in the way of caring for my mom, but this evening I took a personal call that lasted 45 minutes, and apparently I should have only taken a 15 minute call. He was furious with me for asking him to "watch" mom during the long call. I apologized, although one part of me was wondering just how bad could it have been, the other part of me is wondering am I really that clueless and self absorbed. I feel very low. I had hoped my apology would be enough to mend this, but he said he didn't want my apologies, he wanted me to understand. I think he is over whelmed and stressed out. I don't know how to fix this, I'm not even sure I understand.
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C99, If mom calls every day, start screening your calls. She is fine and well taken care of at the AL. It's not life or death. Don't answer. Call her later when you have free time. Or answer and tell her you won't be home all day. No one can do this but you. Start separating yourself from her. Take back your life. Mom is swallowing you and you are letting her. Buck up. You can do this.
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I agree with Rocknrobin! Buck up and let her settle in at AL..
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JJGood - it might not be that you are asking your husband and children to have a hands on role with your mom - it is that there is someone else living in the house - who is extremely difficult, taking your time, stressing you out (I've read your other posts). So yes, it is directly difficult for you - but it is also taking a toll on your family. I'm glad you are moving your mom to assisted living. Then take a lot of time to listen and reconnect with your family - it could be that you feel that you are doing so much and do not understand or appreciate the effects this is also having on them.
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agreed. I have to start to seperate myself from this.
Its been a real nightmare because I am overseeing my dad's mental health as well at the hospital. She's become a needy nightmare. The AL facility are awesome!
And I taking full advantage of all their services! Can't do this anymore.
Thank you everyone!
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