Who is caring for the caregiver?

Wow. When I've gotten to the stage of needing to talk to someone who will listen and not inject personal bias I've called the Alzheimers Organization Help Line.

I must say that your mother and grandmother should have said these words to you years ago. They loved you very much but they ENABLED you. They did not mean to enable you but it has caused you to be weakened in area. Please take the words as constructive advice and not meanness.

I think it would also help to focus on compassion for his wife. I notice he only mentioned that she "was incapacitated this last time". No details in his profile other than that he's caring for her.

I think "incapacitation" is a serious situation in and of itself. You might also want to try to figure out how to get used to your wife's situation if it's permanent, and think of her needs as well. I'm guessing she has some serious issues well beyond less sex.

Ferris, you called the shots as you see them, and I agree with you. I think your analysis is insightful. But, frankly, to go one step further, I thought Old Married Man is just playing games on this forum, not to get sympathy but to be provocative. I thought that especially after he asked in another thread about a healthy sex life.

I do agree that he needs to reach out to find additional sources of dealing with his concerns, however, I see a "yes, but .... no help available." This is the foundation for a thread of a different sort.

We all have to change and adjust as we age, and sometimes those adjustments push us way beyond our comfort levels. That's just life.

I bet there's some truth in both opinions.OMO, it's time to take time to learn how to take care of yourself emotionally, and otherwise. Try a calming physical activity with other people or one that helps circulate your sexual, pent-up energy. Sports, dancing, golf, or just walking with one or more people in nature might help. Learn a new skill, go volunteer somewhere. Give, live, and find an outlet where you can laugh a lot! Whenever I take care of myself I find I have more patience and love for the caregiver role. PS: I blow my gasket a lot too!

Ferris you were so mean to this man.

frustrated2016, I did check the local hospital and talked to 2 patient advocates. No luck on caregiver support groups, that's why I'm online.

Guilty as charged. I use women as sounding boards. Yes, I at times I feel pretty bad and it helps to let it out. I was taught at a very early age that men don't cry. Suck it up! That's probably why I prefer women therapists. My dad is still living at 84 years old but I don't talk to him about my problems. And I miss my mother and 2 grandmothers. They've passed on. That leaves mw with my wife and when she is incapacitated, who is going to listen to my troubles with a sympathetic ear? I don't see anything wrong with reaching out for moral support, a helping hand when you need one.

Check with your local hospital, many have support groups or can direct you to the right place.

Since you are new to this site, welcome! Having specialized in mental health in my previous nursing and social work career, have over 4060 "helpful answers" on this site, I can only surmise what you have written and that is, you use women as your sounding boards. Since one is dead and the other is apparently "causing" you grief, you are using your therapist as another "go-to" crying towel. I don't know how old you are, but at some point in time you need to grow up and start handling your own life crises. We all have things that seem overwhelming at times, but given time, and a lot of work on your part, you have to learn to cope. My husband is 90 yrs. of age and never sought a therapist's help, gone through three world wars, and several medical surgeries. He has maintained a stable disposition until dementia has started to rob him of his will to live. So, "OldMarriedMan" you always have choices in life. If your wife is so bad, you can leave. If your therapist doesn't respond to your every "crises", find another. (You can ALWAYS go to the ER in a hospital and ask for a psychiatrist and get help). Why don't you have men friends to talk to? Men give a different perspective on issues, and women usually want to "fix" or take care of an issue. I suspect women in your life have usually told you what to do or how to feel. Isn't it about time you started deciding for yourself you want to feel better and deal with your issues, because you will not always have someone to run to...? (I can hear the female comments now - Ferris you were so mean to that man...) Tough love is what it is called.

Another option for support for caregivers is to join a support group specifically for caregivers -- of people who caregive for others with your wife's impairments, if possible.

OMM, recently while waiting my turn at the psychiatrist's office I overheard the receptionist take a call and tell the person that the next opening for a new patient was mid January. I thought wow, poor person has finally gotten up the courage to call for an appointment and they have to wait 6 weeks?! I told the doc I wanted a referral to talk therapy and that was 7 weeks out. I asked her why there was such a delay, and what did they do for people in severe crisis?

The psychiatrist explained that there is a shortage of doctors and therapists in the mental health field. More people now have insurance and can afford the services they might have put off when they were uninsured. If someone is in crisis they simply admit them for in-patient care.

About the lack of sex with your wife: you are her caregiver so she must have some impairments. Tell us what those are, and why she turns you down. How was your sex life before you became her caregiver as well as her husband?

Not enough sex.

Well, I'd like to this that this forum is a good place to blow your gasket and get some empathy. So why is she driving you nuts?