Who is caring for the caregiver?

Well, I'd like to this that this forum is a good place to blow your gasket and get some empathy. So why is she driving you nuts?

Not enough sex.

OMM, recently while waiting my turn at the psychiatrist's office I overheard the receptionist take a call and tell the person that the next opening for a new patient was mid January. I thought wow, poor person has finally gotten up the courage to call for an appointment and they have to wait 6 weeks?! I told the doc I wanted a referral to talk therapy and that was 7 weeks out. I asked her why there was such a delay, and what did they do for people in severe crisis?

The psychiatrist explained that there is a shortage of doctors and therapists in the mental health field. More people now have insurance and can afford the services they might have put off when they were uninsured. If someone is in crisis they simply admit them for in-patient care.

About the lack of sex with your wife: you are her caregiver so she must have some impairments. Tell us what those are, and why she turns you down. How was your sex life before you became her caregiver as well as her husband?

Another option for support for caregivers is to join a support group specifically for caregivers -- of people who caregive for others with your wife's impairments, if possible.

Since you are new to this site, welcome! Having specialized in mental health in my previous nursing and social work career, have over 4060 "helpful answers" on this site, I can only surmise what you have written and that is, you use women as your sounding boards. Since one is dead and the other is apparently "causing" you grief, you are using your therapist as another "go-to" crying towel. I don't know how old you are, but at some point in time you need to grow up and start handling your own life crises. We all have things that seem overwhelming at times, but given time, and a lot of work on your part, you have to learn to cope. My husband is 90 yrs. of age and never sought a therapist's help, gone through three world wars, and several medical surgeries. He has maintained a stable disposition until dementia has started to rob him of his will to live. So, "OldMarriedMan" you always have choices in life. If your wife is so bad, you can leave. If your therapist doesn't respond to your every "crises", find another. (You can ALWAYS go to the ER in a hospital and ask for a psychiatrist and get help). Why don't you have men friends to talk to? Men give a different perspective on issues, and women usually want to "fix" or take care of an issue. I suspect women in your life have usually told you what to do or how to feel. Isn't it about time you started deciding for yourself you want to feel better and deal with your issues, because you will not always have someone to run to...? (I can hear the female comments now - Ferris you were so mean to that man...) Tough love is what it is called.

Check with your local hospital, many have support groups or can direct you to the right place.

Ferris you were so mean to this man.

frustrated2016, I did check the local hospital and talked to 2 patient advocates. No luck on caregiver support groups, that's why I'm online.

Guilty as charged. I use women as sounding boards. Yes, I at times I feel pretty bad and it helps to let it out. I was taught at a very early age that men don't cry. Suck it up! That's probably why I prefer women therapists. My dad is still living at 84 years old but I don't talk to him about my problems. And I miss my mother and 2 grandmothers. They've passed on. That leaves mw with my wife and when she is incapacitated, who is going to listen to my troubles with a sympathetic ear? I don't see anything wrong with reaching out for moral support, a helping hand when you need one.

I bet there's some truth in both opinions.OMO, it's time to take time to learn how to take care of yourself emotionally, and otherwise. Try a calming physical activity with other people or one that helps circulate your sexual, pent-up energy. Sports, dancing, golf, or just walking with one or more people in nature might help. Learn a new skill, go volunteer somewhere. Give, live, and find an outlet where you can laugh a lot! Whenever I take care of myself I find I have more patience and love for the caregiver role. PS: I blow my gasket a lot too!

Ferris, you called the shots as you see them, and I agree with you. I think your analysis is insightful. But, frankly, to go one step further, I thought Old Married Man is just playing games on this forum, not to get sympathy but to be provocative. I thought that especially after he asked in another thread about a healthy sex life.

I do agree that he needs to reach out to find additional sources of dealing with his concerns, however, I see a "yes, but .... no help available." This is the foundation for a thread of a different sort.

We all have to change and adjust as we age, and sometimes those adjustments push us way beyond our comfort levels. That's just life.

I think it would also help to focus on compassion for his wife. I notice he only mentioned that she "was incapacitated this last time". No details in his profile other than that he's caring for her.

I think "incapacitation" is a serious situation in and of itself. You might also want to try to figure out how to get used to your wife's situation if it's permanent, and think of her needs as well. I'm guessing she has some serious issues well beyond less sex.

I must say that your mother and grandmother should have said these words to you years ago. They loved you very much but they ENABLED you. They did not mean to enable you but it has caused you to be weakened in area. Please take the words as constructive advice and not meanness.

Wow. When I've gotten to the stage of needing to talk to someone who will listen and not inject personal bias I've called the Alzheimers Organization Help Line.

So, you're "pissed at your therapist" because she wouldn't change her whole schedule around to see you about a "crisis" that was based on your wife not wanting/not being able to have sex with you? Seriously? How old are you? Put in your big boy pants & take care of it yourself----I'm quite sure you know how to do that.

Is the "online therapist service" that costs $400/month really live porn that you can watch on your computer? And you're whining because your insurance won't pay for it? You have got to be kidding. I simply cannot believe that you would talk to your mother about this and she "knew just what to say to make you feel better". Do you have any male friends? Usually men talk amongst each other about issues such as this. Get a grip, man. Perhaps there are legitimate online mental health therapy services that charge a monthly fee----I have never looked for one so I have no idea. I do know that there are online therapy services that charge by the session. The $400/month fee certainly makes me question what the "online service" is----the only thing I can come up with is unlimited porn videos.

You can also look for call girl services in your area in the yellow pages---but, insurance isn't going to pay for that either. You'll have to pay out of your own pocket. I can't even believe I am saying this stuff. But it's true----if you think your wife isn't giving you enough sex, and you are "blowing a gasket" over it, there are ways to remedy your problems. And, no----insurance isn't going to pay for it.

If you are "blowing a gasket" because your wife won't/can't have sex with you for whatever reason, your priorities are seriously messed up & that is what you should be seeing a therapist for. If you really are "taking care of your wife in your home" because she requires physical assistance or because she is suffering with mental issues like dementia, Alzheimer's, etc., expecting her to have sex with you is ridiculous and you really do need counseling, but for legitimate mental health issues and not because you aren't getting laid.

Please show me where, exactly, the OP stated that he was "pissed because his wife withheld sex"...smh

EMA, the last sentence of his original posting, and one of his answers on page one. Plus another thread he started about sex.

Too Young - way to go! I think you "hit the nail on the head." Your analysis is spot on, assuming as I suspected and still suspect that this is just a manipulative thread to provoke responses.

Glad you're not my husband. Feeling sympathy for your wife. Sorry if that's not sensitive enough.

Sorry, this is a caregiver group not a sex therapy group. I agree with Ferris on this one. I think there r times people needs therapist. Mainly to give them tools to learn how to cope. Not a lifelong thing.

I'm a bit dissapointed by the tenor and content of some of the responses to OldMarriedMan. Judge not lest you too be judged. There isn't enough in his post to make the assumptions about his life, history and mental status, or the effect his crisis has on him. Does everyone know his Family Of Origin Issues, or any of the many variables that cause us all to behave one way or the other at times? Ferris1 sites her training - and then her own whoes. I am surprised that a professional would submit such a scathing and presumptious response with little information, and then compare herself and her spouse as glowing examples. Folks, this is a site to provide support and useful help and not judge. You can ask questions but don't assume. You can speak for your own self, but not throw darts.

The issue of availability of mental health workers is valid (regardless of how other's perceive OldMarriedMan's problems. You don't walk in his shoes.) Some therapists are more empathic and remain available even giving their cell phone number (in non-suicidal matters), for others you an entry on the calendar until you walk in the door and then only for the 40 minutes you are in the seat. No different than the issues we experience in other healthcare fields. And, yes, for some cost is an issue. Further, there is nothing wrong with relating to one gender better than others on emotional matters. I have male friends who are very masculine and self differentiated that prefer to relate to women for advice because they feel they have a different and often deeper more introspective perspective, and women are nurturers (just their own comfort level). That OldMarriedMan could have decent relationships with women is a plus, not something to judge negatively.

I applaud and appreciate all the other contributions from participants who provided compassionate and useful alternatives on managing stress and the circumstances. If the judgmental 'dissing responses noted on this post were the order of the day, I wouldn't bother logging on to AgingCare.Com.

..First of all Ferris 1... you should at the least be ashamed of yourself. might I suggest you instantly stop commenting as "professional on this or any sites. And I will tell you why; A professional would never never speak to a person they have not met in the way you are. Perhaps this person writes to the insignificant of his issues, meaning perhaps there is something valid and wrong and he has not expressed himself for fear of what would follow .. Or perhaps he had written exactly as he is feeling.... but you dont know that do you. DO YOU! If my facial expression could attach to my typed words you would be backed into a corner with my eyes burning a hole through you whilst my tone of voice would be stern and warning at the same time. I would like to know, immediately of your credentials. I demand those immediately. You have on other topics given very dangerous advice. Tell me right now your credentials, and be very clear so that I (anyone) can easily validate said credentials.

... and shame on the rest of you commenting to this person who are belittling him, scolding him, chastising and insulting! Last I checked this is not a chicken and hen cackling session site. This is also not a site for yea of female persuasions to gang up on men and start telling them what they need to do and how to be a man... for christ sake what is going on here. I am instantly loosing any interest in this site, a site i have come across not long ago when I myself was feeling there was no where to turn... as this person has done tonight. Sir; If you have stayed past the insults, might I gently suggest that you take a serious tone with this "psychiatrist" and ask them a few questions ie, #1. How much do I pay you. #2. Before I leave today I would like you to give me the days in which you are available so I can coordinate you're "available dates to fit my stress needs as to not interfere with your leisure time. #3. And lastly, b also before I leave, kindly give me a list of 3 of your most respected industry peers ...... so i can begin to interview them to become my next psychiatrist.
** Oldmarried man, please tell me a little about your wife... your life ...that is if you dont mind me asking. One more thing, all these "women on here heckling you, have a go-to (or 3 or 4) people they run-to for advice, i assure of that. (I mean look at what they are insulting you on...an advice site)

..Correction; please replace "Therapist with my incorrect "psychiatrist)

I received similar hateful, negative, and not very supportive replies to the one and only question I ever posted on this site. Responders totally misconstrued my post and made judgemental comments about me that they could not have formulated by information in the question. It was so hurtful.
I would like to think there is more going on than just not getting enough sex.
Maybe it's not exactly the sex but the loss of intimacy in general that does not just mean the sex act.
I agree with you about being put off by mental health professionals when you are in crisis - no matter what the crisis is. I had been seeing the same psychiatrist for four years when I was in a serious crisis and needed him to hear me and talk me out of a suicide attempt. I called his office for 5 weeks only to get a message saying "This mailbox is full!" Finally I just drove to his office, saw his car in the parking lot, got out in my pajamas and went in. When he came out he acted so casual. I told him I had been trying to reach him for weeks. He said his assistant had had surgery and he hadn't bothered to even find someone to monitor his voicemails. Clearly he has no business caring for patients who have mental illnesses, severe depression and/or anxiety or other similar situations. A mental crisis requires immediate attention not a waiting period of several days or weeks. When you start a psychiatric practice you are signing onto crisis management DAILY. If you can't provide that then become a urologist or a podiatrist.
How can anyone compare psychiatric care with PORNOGRAPHY. Where did
that notion come from?
Some of the nastiest responses you received came from frequent posters like Ferris. Some of you have more serious issues than Oldmarriedman because you are just plain hateful, bitter, have zero empathy and are just looking for a way to vent your negativity towards someone else. I would hate to think how you acted as a caregiver to someone. Heaven help them!!!! Re-read your responses several times before you hit submit and question whether your posts include any level of support. If you need more info about the person's situation before responding - ask for it. So for those of you who jumped to erroneous conclusions without enough information do as someone suggested "Put on your big girl/boy pants" and find a way to "deal with" whatever YOU are so angry and bitter about before lashing out at another who needs a kind word or support. Good luck and God bless you Oldmarriedman. Maybe talking to someone for just a little while on the phone at NAMI could result in some encouragement. You won't find much help on this site I'm afraid.

My wife has a herniated disk in her cervical spine. She had surgery on Tuesday and it was successful. She is expected to fully recover with loss of 5% mobility in her neck. No I'm not playing around. This is serious stuff of me. That's why I came to a support group, to get help through some challenging times.

Thank texriner1, NAMI is new to me. I just reached out to them. And thanks to all for your responses. The "tough love" responses, although somewhat painful to read are appreciated too. I treat any and all feedback as a gift. I may not agree with the responses but just hearing others perspectives is a blessing to me. It makes me feel like part of the human experience which is why I reached out for support in the first place. Thank you!

It sounds like this health situation your wife is in is on the mend and not something that requires years and years of CAREGIVING on your part. Surely you didn't expect a woman with severe back problems to be enthusiastic about sex did you? I have three bulging discs and constant sciatica. It is a struggle to even stand at the sink to wash up the dinner dishes yet I had no choice but to be a caregiver to 3 loved ones simultaneously and over the course of ten long years. Is the lack of sex from your wife with back problems the only thing that made you feel like you were going to "blow a gasket"? If so, please read some of the other questions on this forum relative to caregivers who have been forced to give up there careers to take care of aging parents with dementia or Alzheimer's, or couples who are on the verge of divorce because one spouse must live in another state to take care of an aging parent while the other stays at home base to handle their kids, finances, household etc. Or grown children who are having to take care of aging parents who abused them their whole lives. Heartbreaking stories. It might make you feel like your temporary situation is something you CAN tough out.
But my previous comment still stands. Like my parents ALWAYS said "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all!!!"
Only you can answer whether or not your "crisis" was more involved than just a temporary frustration over not getting enough sex from your wife because she was suffering from a severe back problem. Back pain is excruciating, exhausting, unbearable at times and very stressful. Have you thought about trying to "walk a day in her shoes." If you do and if you have true empathy for what she is going through I am pretty sure your future chances of wonderful intimacy will be something she will be looking forward to as well. If not you could find yourself getting "a cold shoulder" when she is healthier and I don't think that is what you want. I hope she is better very shortly and that you are as well.

... weird.. this whole thing is now weird, the bashing, the strange sh*t thats being said, even by the posters... ...Then Im reading these comments further.. I see most dont even take the time to read previous comments, they just want o "Jump in with their 2 cents" ..and the rest just "steal comments" then they get the gratitude or the respect? .... I now think this site is a joke and can be thrown in the heap of trash sites. I'll send a little note to the makers of this site and be done with it. Its a shame to take a once valid outlet for care-givers and a "you're not alone" group site and turn it into a facebook bash group. Nice goin guys. Youre down one.

My comment was meant to invoke some thought toward thinking of the wife and what she's going through as it sounded like she was having a tough time herself. A wise old saying is "it's not all about you" It's not all about any of us. I find getting sex to be pretty low on the priority list in the midst of a health crisis. That said, I do hope you find good therapy soon. It's never wrong to talk out your problems and feelings with a professional.

OMM, I want to empathize with your distress at not getting to see your therapist when you wanted to. That can be really frustrating. You are reaching out for help and getting pushed back. Ouch!

It is not rational or fair to hold this against the therapist. It reflects the state of mental health care in our system. But you know what? When we are in pain and in need of therapy we are not always at our most rational! I can recall a phone conservation trying to get a refill for my antidepressant just bursting out in tears, unable to jump through the hoops of the "rules."

How did that therapy session go, by the way? And I congratulate you on recognizing your need for help. Keep up with your therapy session. You are doing the right thing.

jeannegibbs: "How did that therapy session go, by the way?"

It went very well. I didn't get all the answers I need, but I definitely got an empathetic ear. My therapist is a consummate professional when it comes to empathy. It's uncanny how she can see into my soul. My action item is to build a support system so she is basically out of a job. Thanks for your empathetic response. When it comes right down to it, that is a key ingredient of the human bonding experience I've been missing. I rely too much on my wife for this and I have to learn how to develop friendships on my own.