I'm kind of pissed at my therapist and don't know what to do. I have session tomorrow and it long overdue. I went through a crisis about 10 days ago and was ready to blow a gasket. I texted her on 11/23 and she was too busy to see me. Her earliest available appt. was 12/2.

Since I wasn't thinking about harming myself or anybody, it didn't qualify as an emergency. They have urgent care for a fever, why not urgent care for mental issues? 1-800-counselor?

There is an online therapist service but my insurance doesn't pay for it and its $400 a month!

What am I supposed to do when I'm going through my next crisis? That's the question I want to ask my therapist but I don't know what to say. I'm trying to plan ahead. It helps to have an emergency plan, just in case.

I used to run to my mom for advice. I could always call her and she knew just what to say to make me feel better. My wife was incapacitated this last time and I couldn't ask her for help. Actually, she was the one driving me nuts! LOL

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Since you are new to this site, welcome! Having specialized in mental health in my previous nursing and social work career, have over 4060 "helpful answers" on this site, I can only surmise what you have written and that is, you use women as your sounding boards. Since one is dead and the other is apparently "causing" you grief, you are using your therapist as another "go-to" crying towel. I don't know how old you are, but at some point in time you need to grow up and start handling your own life crises. We all have things that seem overwhelming at times, but given time, and a lot of work on your part, you have to learn to cope. My husband is 90 yrs. of age and never sought a therapist's help, gone through three world wars, and several medical surgeries. He has maintained a stable disposition until dementia has started to rob him of his will to live. So, "OldMarriedMan" you always have choices in life. If your wife is so bad, you can leave. If your therapist doesn't respond to your every "crises", find another. (You can ALWAYS go to the ER in a hospital and ask for a psychiatrist and get help). Why don't you have men friends to talk to? Men give a different perspective on issues, and women usually want to "fix" or take care of an issue. I suspect women in your life have usually told you what to do or how to feel. Isn't it about time you started deciding for yourself you want to feel better and deal with your issues, because you will not always have someone to run to...? (I can hear the female comments now - Ferris you were so mean to that man...) Tough love is what it is called.
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Ferris you were so mean to this man.

frustrated2016, I did check the local hospital and talked to 2 patient advocates. No luck on caregiver support groups, that's why I'm online.

Guilty as charged. I use women as sounding boards. Yes, I at times I feel pretty bad and it helps to let it out. I was taught at a very early age that men don't cry. Suck it up! That's probably why I prefer women therapists. My dad is still living at 84 years old but I don't talk to him about my problems. And I miss my mother and 2 grandmothers. They've passed on. That leaves mw with my wife and when she is incapacitated, who is going to listen to my troubles with a sympathetic ear? I don't see anything wrong with reaching out for moral support, a helping hand when you need one.
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Ferris, you called the shots as you see them, and I agree with you. I think your analysis is insightful. But, frankly, to go one step further, I thought Old Married Man is just playing games on this forum, not to get sympathy but to be provocative. I thought that especially after he asked in another thread about a healthy sex life.

I do agree that he needs to reach out to find additional sources of dealing with his concerns, however, I see a "yes, but .... no help available." This is the foundation for a thread of a different sort.

We all have to change and adjust as we age, and sometimes those adjustments push us way beyond our comfort levels. That's just life.
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So, you're "pissed at your therapist" because she wouldn't change her whole schedule around to see you about a "crisis" that was based on your wife not wanting/not being able to have sex with you? Seriously? How old are you? Put in your big boy pants & take care of it yourself----I'm quite sure you know how to do that.

Is the "online therapist service" that costs $400/month really live porn that you can watch on your computer? And you're whining because your insurance won't pay for it? You have got to be kidding. I simply cannot believe that you would talk to your mother about this and she "knew just what to say to make you feel better". Do you have any male friends? Usually men talk amongst each other about issues such as this. Get a grip, man. Perhaps there are legitimate online mental health therapy services that charge a monthly fee----I have never looked for one so I have no idea. I do know that there are online therapy services that charge by the session. The $400/month fee certainly makes me question what the "online service" is----the only thing I can come up with is unlimited porn videos.

You can also look for call girl services in your area in the yellow pages---but, insurance isn't going to pay for that either. You'll have to pay out of your own pocket. I can't even believe I am saying this stuff. But it's true----if you think your wife isn't giving you enough sex, and you are "blowing a gasket" over it, there are ways to remedy your problems. And, no----insurance isn't going to pay for it.

If you are "blowing a gasket" because your wife won't/can't have sex with you for whatever reason, your priorities are seriously messed up & that is what you should be seeing a therapist for. If you really are "taking care of your wife in your home" because she requires physical assistance or because she is suffering with mental issues like dementia, Alzheimer's, etc., expecting her to have sex with you is ridiculous and you really do need counseling, but for legitimate mental health issues and not because you aren't getting laid.
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I think it would also help to focus on compassion for his wife. I notice he only mentioned that she "was incapacitated this last time". No details in his profile other than that he's caring for her.

I think "incapacitation" is a serious situation in and of itself. You might also want to try to figure out how to get used to your wife's situation if it's permanent, and think of her needs as well. I'm guessing she has some serious issues well beyond less sex.
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I bet there's some truth in both opinions.OMO, it's time to take time to learn how to take care of yourself emotionally, and otherwise. Try a calming physical activity with other people or one that helps circulate your sexual, pent-up energy. Sports, dancing, golf, or just walking with one or more people in nature might help. Learn a new skill, go volunteer somewhere. Give, live, and find an outlet where you can laugh a lot! Whenever I take care of myself I find I have more patience and love for the caregiver role. PS: I blow my gasket a lot too!
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Well, I'd like to this that this forum is a good place to blow your gasket and get some empathy. So why is she driving you nuts?
Helpful Answer (5)

To the posters who criticized those who responded with answers that didn't meet your expectations, and who you thought were being excessively critical, may I suggest that you share the compassion you have with other male posters here, starting with Tgengine? He's battling a long term, chronic situation with his family. It's a complex and challenging situation. If you can offer positive advice from other males (and I assume you are males), why not offer him some support?

There are in addition other male posters who've created threads which were well supported by the same posters who made comments on this thread, comments which you excoriate, along with the posters.

Your judgmental attitude suggests to me that you haven't read enough of the variety of threads here to draw that conclusion logically. Perhaps you should. Look up Dmanbro's threads. Read them - ALL of them.

You're guilty of making the same judgmental conclusions of which you accuse many of us.
Helpful Answer (5)

As Churchmouse so wisely put it, "Living with someone who has lost the capacity for intimacy, for one reason or another, can feel very lonely indeed." Not enough sex, in the context of caregiving the person you want to be intimate with, is not trivial indeed!

I went through many losses as my husband's health deteriorated. One was his inability to drive. He LOVED driving! I loved cooking and baking. I would bake cakes for my grandchildren and he would drive all over delivering them. I made full means for a family dealing with cancer, he'd deliver them. We were both happy. When he couldn't drive it was a big blow to both of us.

Loss of our sex life was another huge blow to both of us. I tried to maintain some intimacy in other ways, but it is incredibly hard to have an equal partner turn into a dependent. Nobody was going to send me a sympathy card over this, but close friends did commiserate. And no one called my concerns trivial.

Most people on this forum are caring for a parent. The loss of a sex life is simply not something they can relate to. Another barrier here is that most of us are permanent caregivers. I cared for my husband for ten years, until he died. Nothing was ever going to get better -- there would be more and more losses.

The fact that your situation is temporary is very different. Apparently your wife will recover. You will have a chance to repair the damage to your intimacy. I am so glad. I'm glad you are in therapy now and aren't sitting around seething in resentment. Perhaps when your wife is fully recovered some couples' therapy will also be helpful.

OMM, I do empathize with both of your issues. Been there, mourned that. But frustration with a therapist and temporary loss of intimacy are not really issues about caregiving. I am not sure this is an ideal forum for you, but that is for you to judge. If it is helpful, hang in here. If not, do search out another outlet. There are lots of online support groups to consider.

Keep up the good work with therapy, and I wish you the best in improving your marriage long-term.
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I think sometimes questions like this can incite people and provoke strong responses, including mine. And I will confess that since you are a new poster, I suspected you were just playing games and trying to provoke us. I honestly thought that.

I stand corrected; although I don't know more about your situation and don't need to, the fact that your wife has been suffering with back pain explains a lot, as well as your comments about sharing your thoughts with the women in your life.

That's a courageous omission. Many men would be loathe to admit first of all that they discuss their feelings with women, and secondly that they have the concern you have about a healthy sexual relationship.

In retrospect, I think that the tenor of the times and your wife's back problems were factors in the tone that was conveyed in this and your other thread. That's all we know; that's all the information on which we could base responses.

And those kinds of posts frequently appear, sucking in posters who are trying to help w/o realizing that the thread was started to draw us into a quagmire. Some people are very immature and exploit the compassion that most posters here have.

I do think that becoming a regular here, posting more often, would help coping skills (which we all need!), as well as be an example of sharing the courage that you did in addressing our criticism.
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