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I'm relatively new to this website but have noticed something that makes it nearly unusable for me. Nearly all of the discussions are based on caring for aging parents. I am caring for an aging husband who has Alz and has had a disabling stroke which left one leg nearly useless. He Must now use a walker at all times. I think caring for an aging, disabled spouse is much different than caring for parents. Does anyone have thoughts on this?

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Cheyenne, what type of computer auction selling do you do? wondering if I need to try to do something
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to cheyenne93.........try vicks under the nose to help with smells....vasoline won't do anything
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Looks like I have a few more years to go. Toilet issue was a first today. Yuck! Tried the vasoline under my nose. Need more next time.
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sorry, 10 yrs., can't imagine the lengths I'm seeing on here - wow
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wow, and I thought hub's aunt and uncle had been at this a long time but I'd say not quite
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I care for my husband who has not officially been diagnosed but certainly has something. Also my mom has dementia in the NH. What fun. Been yelled at a lot. Husband go it in 1978 and mom in 1972. That's a lot of yelling.
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Yes, and it isn't getting any easier. He keeps a minute by minute record of the daily happenings in the tiniest handwriting (impossible for anyone to read), is beginning to ask if he's done so-and-so and is taking forever to eat a meal. I'm a little older than he and it's becoming harder every day to keep going. (I'm 91, he's 89.) Thanks for loving care from our daughter and her best friend, both of whom live nearby and who do all the transporting duties (shopping, doctor's visits, etc.) I'm able to keep going but I'm sure slowing down.
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God be with you. You will be helpful to many after your caregiving experience.
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God bless you Shirley my prayers are with all of you, plz take time for you now, I know from experience u well deserve it, again God Bless always.
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Dear Shirley,
I am so grateful for you and your family that your husband died peacefully in his sleep. He sounds like a wonderful man, and I am sure he will be greatly missed. I think you are doing the right by getting some rest without worrying, and find out who you are. Bless you, and I hope you come back here.
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I am going to sign off this website tonight. My husband died peacefully in his sleep 3 days ago. I'm going to allow myself a little time to grieve and then get on with finding "me" again. The long haul of caring for the guy who was the love of my life as he disintegrated has been exhausting and debilitating and after all the funeral stuff is over I'm going to spend a goodly amount of time healing and helping my large, loving family heal. He was the true patriarch of our family. This site has been a true God Send for me and for them as well. It's helped me more than I can possibly express and I want to thank you all for your generous advice and counseling. You are all amazing and I pray for God's richest blessings on you all and the ones you care for.
Shirley B
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Shirley and TwoPupsMom, that's me, also. Although I do keep myself busy on the computer trying to do auction selling. But things get to be a drag. I am usually in the middle of a project & he wants to know something about the word processing program he's working on. He knew the instructions 6 months ago and now can't remember. He's ever so grateful; but clingy. A caregiver is here 2 mornings a week. One am will be me shopping and the other an appointment or if not that, I can get to my crochet group for a couple of hours. I've traveled a small amount so don't really miss it. What I do miss is a part time retail job being around people. And yes, I have the requirements for those jobs. But, this is where God wants me. So I pray and offer the day and time up to Him. I sleep 8 hrs at nite and an hour nap in the day. Another asset is that he is not mean or wanders. Nor smells. Praise the Lord for that one.
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stafford = sorry for your loss and I am sure you are depressed and who wouldn't be. You are on a new journey now, one without your loved one, but I am sure he is looking down on you, still loving you from above. Give yourself time, and maybe just a few counseling sessions or support group to let you vent your feelings. Take one day at a time and praying that you will soon feel a little better.
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My husband died 5 months ago at age 63. I still have no initiative to do anything unless someone forces me to. I felt long before he died that I would never be the same and I was right. The only thing I look forward to is going to bed at night and then I sleep 10-12 hours. Still like doing some yard work, but that's about it.
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Shirley, this is going to sound weird but your statement made me feel better! I've been wondering why I feel so detached, so uninterested in the things that I used to be excited about, or at least interested in. I, too, see things that need to be done, but would rather just sit and read (escaping?) I was beginning to wonder if there was something really wrong with me, but reading your comments and those of others, I now realize it's part of our involvement in caring for a patient with dementia. I do try to counteract this. I go to an aerobics class three times a week, and have a care giver come in a few days a week so I can have coffee with friends, do the grocery shopping, etc. I know what SondraO means about grieving for the life we could have had. We would still be traveling, going to conventions, etc. Well, we play the cards we are dealt, but I do feel somewhat better knowing what I am feeling is probably typical for one in this situation. Shirley, going to the gym is great! Keep doing that. Exercise is the best remedy for depression. We keep on pressing on.
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Wow, Shirley and TwoPupsMom, Your lives sound just like mine. I too have many things I should be doing but I don't. Except when I have been in the hospital I don't think I have been away from my husband, even for an hour in several years. We enjoy being together and I know I am still grieving the life we could/would have had without this stinking dementia. Ours started so long ago though. I was 40 and he was 42. I am now 70 and he is 72. Tomorrow June 1 will be our 52 anniversary.
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Shirley, I have just about patterned my days just like you describe, I feel like I am sucked into this Alzheimers world so deep that my thoughts are, what's the use. I don't care about anything anymore, I'm in quick sand and can't find the way up. I wake before my husband and that's my ME time, not time to quickly clean what I can, it's my time to have coffee, go to my computer, love my two pups and get my mind free for a little while. Once he wakes it's foolish for me to try to start a project, as he is easy to be around but extremely demanding of my time and mind. A friend takes him to lunch every week giving me time to get out and do something for me, and like you, except for essentials there's nothing for me to do, I buy a new dress, where am I going to wear it? What's the use. I guess I'm a slug also, but I know others are just like us. We know what we have to do, day in day out, no escape, no trips, no cruises, nada. I do sit out on the deck a bit, so I get some fresh air. I'm not really depressed, I have meds I can take but most of the time do not need to, I have become a great student of this disease, the ideal pupil, I hate it, but love my husband, so I will stay on the trail as long as I can. Don't give up the ship & always keep a smile on your face 😇
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ShirleyB, going to the gym is awesome! That is something good you are doing for yourself. That is pretty early in the morning ... are you getting enough sleep?

Inertia can be a reaction to the huge, huge changes in your life now that you are a caregiver. It can also be a form of mourning the losses you are experiencing. It MIGHT be clinical depression. I urge you to consult a therapist. There are treatments for depression that can help you feel more like yourself.

And your doctor is right (although I think his advice is much too simplistic) getting out in the fresh air and sunshine would be good for you and for your husband, too. Even sitting in the back yard folding the laundry on the picnic table can be therapeutic.

If you like to read, try "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" by Pauline Boss. She gets it, and understands the mourning symptoms even while our loved one is still alive.
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Shirley you sound depressed has the Dr talked to you about that possibility
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Has anyone else who is caring for a spouse with ALZ found themselves suffering from inertia? Many days I just can't get motivated to do anything but play solitaire on the computer or sit & read detective books. I've always been a busy person and had many hobbies. I'm a life-long sewer & quilter and haven't touched anything in that line for over a year. My husband has several health conditions besides the Alz. so he can't be left alone. My 2 daughters each come for part of a day a couple times a month so I can get away, but then I do a couple of errands or get a haircut or go to the dentist or such and don't know what to do with myself, so I come home. Shopping's no fun anymore and lunch with my friends is difficult because my life is so narrow now...so not much to talk about. I know they're all sick of hearing about my husband's condition. My house isn't really a terrible mess, but there's lots I should be doing such as getting rid of a lot of our collected detritis and sorting through our years of accumulated papers, etc. I get up in the morning thinking I'll get some of it done today and then end up doing nothing but caregiving. Not because that takes all day, just because I'm feeling like a slug, so I sit. How do I get moving and regain my ambitions? Doctor just says I need to get outside & get some fresh air. I do go the a gym 3 mornings a week at 5:30 AM before he's awake. Any suggestions?
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Shirley it sounds like old man smell. I don't know what you can do about it that you are not already doing. if you wash the bedding in a little bleach that may help. it just seems that old men are smellier than females although women who won't wash their hair can be almost as bad.
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I open the bedroom window, rain, shine, or snow, for at least 15 minutes each morning, spray Lysol and air freshener, change his pillow case every day and the small blanket underneath him that I lay on top of his sheet. This seems to work for me so far.
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I burn a little night light candle with a few drops of lavender oil mixed with the water in the top of the burner. It gives a soft glow a lovely pattern on the ceiling and a gentle relaxing scent.
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I don't know how to deal with the "old" smells in our house. My husband doesn't smell bad but when I go in his room in the morning it's awful. I have to change his sheets every few days because they stink. He doesn't foul his bed or anything like that. It's just that the air is putrid. I leave his door open after he gets up in the morning to air it out, but then it just permeates that whole end of the house. Is there some way to overcome this? Thanks for any help you can give me.
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Yes I did this for my husband for the past two and a half yrs..until could not do it anymore got snother elder lawyer..she applied for mass health/ medicaid for long-term facility. Care..after many falls from uncontrolled diabetes Altzheimers and dementia plus him cooking hot soup him carrying into living 2fl...he tripped again..burned all over...then the e.r. then the required three day hospital stay. Then entered a nursing home. That was November. .now I can sleep..not having to worry about every step...start now. Get his pocket involved explore nursing homes near you..because it just gets worse every day you wait
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I am carrying for my 68 year old husband who has terminal cancer from Agent orange exposure in 'Nam, and 41 year old daughter with cognitive problems due to head injuries. It's hard as we have no support. We have two other kids who live far away. Just today, I breathed a sigh of relief as my daughter changed her mind over this harebrained idea to drive hours away to where we used to live, in order to fill in the 'holes' in her memory. We are frantically trying to finish repairing our damaged family room (damaged over xmas) before my husband goes into surgery in a week and we needed her help 9she agreed to help) but she dreamed up this trip on the spur of the moment. Once she gets an idea in her head, you can't get it out. She doesn't see how it wasn't a good idea to go in -24 below weather, roads drifting shut and she wanted to go alone on top of it all. She gets these impulses that make no sense except to her. Last year, before we realized her problem in this area, she had worked us almost to death between a huge garden (big enough for a family of 10) and a huge orchard and had ordered hundreds (plural!) and hundreds of trees we had to plant. This year, we firmly told her we cannot help after she informed us she ordered 3 hundred more trees to plant, so she's trying to talk her sister and the sister's two kids to help plant. Too many medical problems and disabilities preventing us from working from sundown to sunup like someone half our age. Now she wants to add all type of farm animals in addition to now wanting to work outside the home in more and more part-time jobs. She didn't have enough time to keep up with everything before getting two part time jobs and still looking for more jobs. So we'll have a garden but it'll be very small since I'm the one doing it. She also had us canning day and night til Nov. We have enough stuff canned now for five years, so I informed her we won't be canning this year. We don't need to! She never used to be this way before the head injuries. Anyways I could go on and on. My husband is facing more surgery to remove a suspected tumor and he has such serious medical problems they are apprehensive in doing the operation. He's not a candidate for any more radiation or chemo. We are both very nervous and worried over this. The one thing getting me through it is I have been depending on God to give me strength and peace of mind, and am praying for a miracle of healing. Never saw our 'golden years' playing out like this.
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ShirleyB, I am caring for a 90 year old husband who was diagnosed about 3 years ago but had symptoms before. My heart goes out to you. I, too have found that most support groups are for adult children of parents with dementia. It isn't the same. Please know you are not alone, there are a lot of us around. My husband is physically active and I cannot complain about that but sometimes it is like having a toddler in an adult body. He does not realize he cannot climb on ladders and try to take care of our finances or shovel snow in freezing weather. I am 70 and have health issues but I am happy to have him with me, he is a good companion and allows me to help him make decisions, most of the time. He even helps me with my bad days with arthritis, he can put on my socks and shoes and help with the laundry still. I read about all of you caring for your loved ones physically and I feel like a wimp, I could not do that with my own physical limitations. God bless you and give you strength and rest.
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I take care of my husband who has AZ. He's 87 & I'm 80. He also has terrible pain from arthritis in his spine. I'm not much for taking pills if there is any more natural way to de-stress and finally found a way that really helps me. Go to a room, porch or corner in your house where you can be alone for a few minutes. Sometimes I just stick my head outside the back door. Close your eyes . Take a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds then pucker your lips and gently blow the breath out. While breathing out, visualize all the stress leaving your body. Repeat these steps at least three times. I do this several (sometimes many) times every day and it helps me tremendously. If he wakes me during the night I do it when I get back to bed and it helps me return to sleep. I know many of you have been at this much longer than I have and I've learned a lot from this website. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to add to it.
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I agree with twopupsmom. I definitely am not a pill popper, but a low-dose anti-anxiety or anti-depression pill can carry you through a particularly difficult day. Doesn't mean you have to take them every hour on the hour. Sometimes I go for several days without taking one. I take them only when a situation is extremely stressful and it really helps me deal with the problem in a more encouraging and positive manner. Blessings to you.
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Real world, if you feel you are at the end of your rope call and make an appointment and tell the Dr how you feel or write it down and take with you. I did and I take a low dose anxiety med and it sure helps - hang in there and just go along with him, it's the only way for you both to hopefully stay calm and sane.
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