All the responses are on point. But my Mother is as sharp as can be mentally, so again she does not have dementia. She got like this because my Dad passed away two years ago and so because they've been together so long the loss of him was very bad to her. She's very depress... She does not want to leave her room and she does not like visitor except if it's sometimes her Grands and Great Grands...she has a walker but she can only stand she can't walk much and her standing is not long. She has to be clean when she soils herself and I have to wash her and bath her. She doesn't even like to go to the doctor and getting her out is impossible because she wants to left in her room. We've tried but she does not want to move. She has diabetes and high blood pressure, arthritis and because the arthritis is painful she refuse to move her joint or move around and stretch. She lives in a house not alone so my Sister and I have to cook for her... She doesn't want to even do that anymore...She just wants to stay alone in her room and not be bothered!
You have to have a very thick skin to be a caregiver. Very, very thick.
When a grown child becomes the caregiver, it can trigger all kinds of behaviors and expose any kind of relationship problems that may have been there but hidden all along.
It's demeaning to have to take help from your "child", even if the child is over 60. Not everybody sees this change coming and accepts it gracefully. An awful lot of elders are insulted and affronted by this inevitability, regardless of how wonderful you are specifically.
First, rule out a cognitive and medical change for her. Have her seen by a qualified geriatric specialist. I would handle it very gingerly, so as not to offend her by insinuating there's a problem.
Then rule out boredom, lonliness, and the need for mental and social stimulation in the day. If she's stuck at home sitting around all the time, she may need to go to a senior day program to get out & about.
Contact your area agency on aging to find out what kinds of programs and services exist that you can contact to not only correct the present situation, but to plan ahead for the day when mom needs part time and full time care. Don't let that sneak up on you.
You've been given some good general advice. Don't take the behavior personally. Do not stand and continue to take it. Talk to Mom when she is in a good mood.
For more specific advice, it would help if we know more details.
Why does Mom need someone to care for her? What are her infirmities? How long has she needed care? Does she live alone? What kind of care do you provide for her?
Losing a spouse is an extremely traumatic event. It takes a long time to adjust. My husband died two years ago. I don't feel "back to normal" yet. But believe me, no one in my family, including our children, thinks that being a widow gives me a right to be rude and inconsiderate. If your mom is stuck in her grief, perhaps some counseling would be helpful. If you don't think she would take that kind of advice from you, is there someone closer to her own age that she might listen to?
Timid, many of us go through this. Quite a few older people get grouchy and mean as they grow older. It may be because they feel like they are losing control of their lives and it causes resentment. Sometimes they take the bad feeling out on the person who is closest to them. It feels terrible when you are that person, especially when you see them be nice to others.
The best thing to do is try not to take it personally. Let it roll off your back unless it becomes abusive. If it becomes abusive, blannie's advise is very good. Actually, your mother may respect you more if you let her know that you love her, but won't hang around when she is being angry with you.
Have you ever tried to talk to your mom when she's in a good mood (not when she's upset with you) about how you feel? You need to give her the opportunity to understand how her poor treatment of you makes you feel. See what she says.
If she's not willing to change, then you need to protect yourself. When she starts in, you just say, "Mom, this is the kind of behavior I told you about that upsets me. I'm going to leave now until you're calmed down (or you're in a better mood or however you want to say it to her) . Then leave. And so that every time she starts to act up.
I would also look for other behavior changes to see if it might be the start of dementia or where her brain isn't acting like it used to. Things like forgetting stuff or losing things or asking the same question over and over. She may not have the cognitive ability to act in a more adult/rational matter. Or if she was always this way, then just work to protect yourself You don't have to put up with being treated poorly by anyone!
She doesn't have dementia? She's misses my father, he passed 2 years ago but its hurtful when you try to do all that you know to do and still be treated wrongfully. I'm very compassionate and I sometimes I forget about myself in order to make my Mom comfortable. I love my Mom but when she don't get her way or if I'm busy and I get to her late she becomes very mean. When she does that I feel like walking off and never looking back at all. I'm under extreme Pressure and I truly pray that if I live to be her age that I don't treat my Son like she treats me.
When a grown child becomes the caregiver, it can trigger all kinds of behaviors and expose any kind of relationship problems that may have been there but hidden all along.
It's demeaning to have to take help from your "child", even if the child is over 60. Not everybody sees this change coming and accepts it gracefully. An awful lot of elders are insulted and affronted by this inevitability, regardless of how wonderful you are specifically.
First, rule out a cognitive and medical change for her. Have her seen by a qualified geriatric specialist. I would handle it very gingerly, so as not to offend her by insinuating there's a problem.
Then rule out boredom, lonliness, and the need for mental and social stimulation in the day. If she's stuck at home sitting around all the time, she may need to go to a senior day program to get out & about.
Contact your area agency on aging to find out what kinds of programs and services exist that you can contact to not only correct the present situation, but to plan ahead for the day when mom needs part time and full time care. Don't let that sneak up on you.
For more specific advice, it would help if we know more details.
Why does Mom need someone to care for her? What are her infirmities? How long has she needed care? Does she live alone? What kind of care do you provide for her?
Losing a spouse is an extremely traumatic event. It takes a long time to adjust. My husband died two years ago. I don't feel "back to normal" yet. But believe me, no one in my family, including our children, thinks that being a widow gives me a right to be rude and inconsiderate. If your mom is stuck in her grief, perhaps some counseling would be helpful. If you don't think she would take that kind of advice from you, is there someone closer to her own age that she might listen to?
When did this change in behavior start?
The best thing to do is try not to take it personally. Let it roll off your back unless it becomes abusive. If it becomes abusive, blannie's advise is very good. Actually, your mother may respect you more if you let her know that you love her, but won't hang around when she is being angry with you.
If she's not willing to change, then you need to protect yourself. When she starts in, you just say, "Mom, this is the kind of behavior I told you about that upsets me. I'm going to leave now until you're calmed down (or you're in a better mood or however you want to say it to her) . Then leave. And so that every time she starts to act up.
I would also look for other behavior changes to see if it might be the start of dementia or where her brain isn't acting like it used to. Things like forgetting stuff or losing things or asking the same question over and over. She may not have the cognitive ability to act in a more adult/rational matter. Or if she was always this way, then just work to protect yourself You don't have to put up with being treated poorly by anyone!