Caring for my parents is just getting worse...what can I do?

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Five Ways to Get your Elderly Parent to Listen to You
By Elizabeth Swider on 2010/10/10




Do your elderly parents refuse or resist your help? Frustrating, isn’t it?

As geriatric care managers we frequently see this happen within families. It can be especially worrisome to long distance caregivers for parents who are aging in place, but there are ways to communicate that can work miracles:

1. Let your parent be right.

Communicating requires that your parents actually hear you, and they can’t hear you if they are busy defending their position against yours. Allowing yourself to be wrong and them to be right (even when you are sure you are right) can reduce resistance by making them feel heard and respected: “Dad, I finally realized you were right about how to arrange the furniture. If I had done it your way the first time, it would have saved a lot of trouble!” When your parents are allowed to be right a lot of the time, they won’t automatically resist whatever you say.

2. Find out what they are protecting, and get on their side.

When an elderly parent refuses help they may be protecting something they feel they might lose as a result of the help — even if they aren’t aware of it. Hiring a housekeeper for your mother may make her feel like she is losing her identity and self-worth as the home maker. Try this: “Mom, you’ve always kept such a beautiful house; even as a child I was proud to bring guests to your home. I think you deserve to have someone do the heavy work for you. How about I find some housekeepers for you to interview so you can find one who will do a good job for you on the floors and windows?”

3. Agree with your parents that they don’t need any help.

Often, an elderly parent’s prize possession is their independence, followed closely by their pride. They will often sacrifice safety and comfort to protect those goals, so when you talk with them be sure you aren’t threatening those values: “I know you don’t really need anyone to check on you when I’m out of town. You’ve always managed perfectly. This is really for my benefit because I find myself worrying even though I shouldn’t. Will you allow this person to check in on you as a favor to me and my peace of mind?”

4. Offer to pay for the services yourself.

Elderly people want to leave their money to their family rather than spend it on services they think they don’t need. Explaining that the services are really for your benefit and offering to pay for them yourself can make the difference between your parents accepting assistance vs refusing it: “Mom, you and dad have always been so generous to me and the kids. Because of your support I’ve been successful and can afford to pay for things that can help you out in some small way. I’d be complimented if you’d allow me to pay for this person to do some driving and errands for you.”

5. Shake up the old dynamic.

If you and your parents are in the same old argument, try to drop your own resistance and try something completely new. Open your mind to the possibility that there could be a solution different than the one you’ve been championing, and let your parent know you won’t say what you always say: “Dad, I realized today that I haven’t been listening to you at all. I know you’ve said you don’t want to move out of this house and you know I have been worried about you living here alone, but I haven’t really thought about how we could make it possible for you to stay here and be safe. Would you be willing to talk to me about it again now that I’m really listening?”

These simple shifts can do wonders in a conversation and a relationship. If you communicate this way over time with your parents, they will begin to realize that you respect them and understand the things that are most important to them.

Thank you all for your time, personal stories and advice.

To clairify a few points, I do live in Canada so some suggestions don't apply, like VA benefits. Unfortunately, Canada only supports caregivers for six months AND only if your parent is not expected to live beyond six months! I cannot afford an elder attorney to grant me guardianship, and even with that, I don't believe it would work, as Bookluvr posted above. Also, I DON'T live with my parents, but I do live in the same apartment building, on different floors. I am not dependent on them, financially or otherwise, as they are dirt poor, living only on old age pensions.

BUT I am beginning to concentrate on my problems as they are are time-sensitive. And I am beginning to refuse my father's increasing demands to be "on-call". He hung up on me last night when I told him I was unavailable to come over due to illness. I now realize that my father created this awful situation for himself and his wife by his selfishness and stubborness, so now he can fix it. If I had a child, I WOULD NEVER EXPECT MY CHILD TO DEAL WITH MY AGING ISSUES!!! Also, my dad's' doctor and caseworker know how difficult he is, and that I have tried and tried and tried to help Dad with his quality of life, so, from a legal standpoint, I think I'm covered. There is no fillial law in Ontario, apparently (thank God).

As Care1975 said, I believe this situation will go the way of catastrophic planning. Sad, but that's the way they want it. :(

Yes, 1Tommy, it would be nice to hang out with friends, but they all left when my job, money and eventually health did from the 2008 recession.

The one positive thing I have learned from this nightmare is how NOT to behave when I grow older, if I can help it.

Again, thank you all for your advice and for allowing me to vent without judgement. (((((((( big hug ))))))))).

Thanks Ferris for the info. After I read your comment, I brought up the subject to father about pension and life insurance with VA. He absolutely refuses. I explained that when he dies, his secondary insurance won't pay for his outstanding balances (20%) that Medicare won't cover. He don't care.... Mom passed away in March. Their secondary ins. refuses to pay for the 20%. I know that I'm not obligated to pay for it (ambulance services so far) but our ambulance company is struggling financially. Since we're not really very poor, we can still pay for mom's 20% portion. But, it just pisses me off how how their secondary insurance throughout the years always has: "Not Covered." I'm just soooo glad that we were not able to get hospice service towards the last 2 weeks of mom's life. I can just hear her 2ndary insurance say "Not covered" from her 20% .. hospice services which is provided by her 2ndary insurance and they were giving us so much red tape in order to get mom to have hospice. We even resorted going to Adult Protective Service to help us contact the clinic and find a COMPROMISE. Mom died while APS was trying to negotiate with the clinic. FYI, the clinic IS part of my parent's 2ndary insurance. The insurance owns the clinic.

Too bad father is soooo stubborn. It would be nice to have extra income for his current expenses. And to have life insurance so that I can pay off his bills - which his 2ndary insurance will say "Not Covered."

Moms1of6 made a good suggestion. The VA has a benefit pension program called "Aid and Attendance" for veterans who have served and who need care 24/7 be it physical or mental impairment. I just filed for this with VA and am awaiting approval. It may take some time, but with proper documentation from his doctor(s), the more the better, you can receive a TAX FREE pension. A Veteran and Spouse with no children with 100% disability (which Alzheimer's is, as it is terminal) receive $2973/mth for example (there is a whole list for your circumstance). Go to va.gov then look for pensions. It is worth the time to file. Good luck!

My mother for whom I a now a caretaker was in a similar situation, caring for both elderly and ailing parents in home, still with a husband working and traveling a lot, and a son still in High School. My grandmother especially was very difficult to manage, demanding and jealous of the attention my mother gave to my brother, provided no help with my grandfather, the older and sicker of the two. After 7 very difficult and stressful years, my parents finally made the decision to place my grandparents in a nursing home. My mother went through the guilty feelings for a while, but I think it saved her own sanity and health. I guess you need to decide when you just can't cope any longer and then make a family decision that is in the best interest of everyone in the family.

I feel so bad for you. I understand what you are going through.
Was your dad in any way connected with the military? If so, you can get paid to help the home situation with both your parents. If he was in any way (IF he was in the military) involved in any of the wars (my husband was a lineman in the Korean War) he may have a disability connection which would help him financially as well as you being the caregiver. It may take time, but sure is worth it all and they would even send someone out to the home to care for him several times a week which would give you a break. My husband refuses to have someone else in our home (he's 81 yrs, too, but I am 60), so I have him 24/7. I love him dearly, but I would really like a little me time (1-2 hrs once in awhile), but then when I am given that opportunity when one of his friends visit, I get anxiety and guilt feelings, because I left hime with someone else. Dear Lord, help me! It's ok, I am dealing with it, but
it is hard when they get demanding and want something NOW and can't hear very well. Our town has an elder attorney, FREE of charge that has helped me considerably. You may want to check your local Senior Citizen Committee/Group and see if they have one and they may be able to direct you in the right direction. Tough Love comes into play here and if you are being manipulated by them, you may have to get strong or stronger and take a different approach. I know they need you as much as you need them (though it is a different need), and I think they will come around. Your contact person/manager should be able to help, if not, find another.The doctor CAN do something and should. Good luck and God Bless!

First, take care of yourself. Secondly, a person affected on the left side of their body will tend to have slowing in the brain's region which affects thinking. So, wonderful person that you are for caring for them, time to step back, let the doctor know what's going on and he can order an evaluation. Smoking with a two-pack a day habit and mental and physical disabilities will shorten your mother's life, and certainly clouds her judgment. So, leave them alone. When they call you for help, go. But, you will drive yourself to destruction if you do not take care of yourself first. Best wishes.

Lost my post - second try! Evydarling it appears you are the only sane & capable person in your family. I suggest immediately contact your county legal aide services to see if you qualify for free legal assistance. Through them, you should be able to be appointed as your parents legal and medical representatives (since they are mentally incompetent to make their own appt to you). Once that is done, I would suggest you start coordination with the doctors and the case worker to get them both into a nursing home, as the circumstances they have created for you is impossible to deal with. Stand up firm with them as well as your step-sister and be the Boss/Coordinator from this point on, as you apparently are the only sane & capable one in the family. They are wreaking havoc with your life and you don't need to put up with it.

Tommy 1
You should not think that because the original poster was putting down her parents. She was asking for help.. Help that we all need. We all do what we do because we love our parents. And all we want to do is help. And we do not owe them because they gave us birth.... This is a harder job then raising my boys!

Have you ever thought about getting them a home care agency? It sounds like you could use the extra help and they could too.

I would try to see an elder care attorney to find out exactly where you stand as far as handling their bills etc. I would work with his primary doctor to get as much PT/OT you can since he had a stroke. He m

I think the way you "put them down" that u should really do your own thing instead of
that.

As hard as this is to hear, you are not responsible for your parents. Giving up your own life to "save" them will only cause you to drown, too. No one benefits. Do what you want to do for them but help your own self first. That sounds harsh but it is really the most loving thing you can do for everyone involved.

Believe me, I know what you are going through. I am in away in the same position as you except, my father passed away in October, and my mother fractured her hip a month later, which made her dementia worse. I am traveling back and forth almost on a daily basis to make sure she is being taking care of and ended up not taking care of myself and my family. It is very very important that you take care of yourself and its important to find the right elder care lawyer(and social worker) to help you and your mom. It is important not only to get an ourtsider to convince your dad to give you POA, but also other things, like trust, DNR, DNA, living will etc. If your dad refused to sign any forms, maybe you get him to sign something that you are not going to take care of him anymore becuase he won't let you help him. You have to know your limitation and do the best you can under these difficlut times. Good luck and stay healthy...

I hear your desperation and frustration and fears. I caretake my Mother who is 90 and lives in senior housing alone..no services. She refuses to have a home health aide she has fallen twice..not getting hurt. I am her POA and that is helpful for the legal end of things. However I will not as yet force issues with her. I am a nurse in rehab and see the same patterns you and many others experience. It is difficult to not try to control the situation. We want them to be safe and relatively happy but I guess my Mom's freedom in her little apt. is what is important to her and if a few days a wk she eats pickles and saltines so be it!! I have been the food, water, medication police and it does not work for either one of us. You will not change them nor their relationship. Whatever is going to happen will happen..I have found this site to be extremely helpful to know that I am not alone..I am the only caregiver
for my Mother and I get frustrated too. I really don't want the end of our lives together to ALWAYS be an argument. This caregiving has been a growth period for me and aging is scary for those losing independence as well. I have gone to a local caregiver support group which meets once a month and it may not have changed anything but I was able to have a few laughs and talk and listen to know that some of us get this challenge in the end....what I do know is that you must continue to take care of you. Pray, chant, meditate, go for a walk, go to the library
but take care of you..and stay hydrated with water..I wish you the best.

Yes i agree hang out with your friends..they are older&need to be together of course.
yet, u need to do things beside be there all the time.

Perhaps you could call adult services in your county, or consult and elder care manager or elder care attorney. This situation sounds just awful, for them and for you. You live in their building, so I think it's time to set your limits, with love. My mom is a master manipulator, so you just have to prepare your speech and give it, and then don't waver. If you don't allow yourself to be manipulated, things will change.

I am afraid for you and this situation sounds like it's circling the drain. You don't want to go down the drain with them. You have to lay down the law here or your predictions will come true. You don't say what your disability is or your age but you have to be in your 40's-50's. Am I right? If you get no cooperation from them then you have to show tough love, I think. They are selfish and it's all about them, unfortunately. Do you have children? Do YOU have a place to live without them? There isn't any information here about your possible options out, mostly how frustrated you are becoming with them. I would pursue housing options in a rent controlled complex for yourself and talk to a social worker about what can be done to help get them on track, then focus on getting your own life together. If you are hanging by a single thread and somewhat dependent on them for a roof over your own head, you aren't really of help to them. While you are out getting your own act together they will also realize life is harder without your assistance. It really sounds like a 'bad marriage' where no one is fully getting what they need or want and nothing is improving. Sometimes you need to separate yourself from a person and the situation, go work on you, and then come back when you are stronger. That's when you will possibly really have the ability to help them and you will have much more clarity about what you reasonably can do without giving up every ounce of your life blood. They too won't find anybody else out there who will just put up with their hard heads or surliness and perhaps be more willing to comply with the things you need to really do the best for them.

Hi Evy. My father absolutely refuses to give me or anyone POA. He had a minor stroke 2 yrs ago that left him bedridden out of his desire NOT to do physical therapy because it "Hurts." This past April, he was coughing so hard. The phlegm he was coughing had turned color. I knew when it was greenish brown that he had an infection. He still kept refusing to to go see the doctor. In May, he was in severe pain but still refused to go. I called 911,the ambulance came and he refused their services. They left without even checking his vitals. So I tried calling Adult Protective Service for help. Nothing they can do. He does have a right NOT to see the doctor. They referred me to the Elder care lawyer. The manager who interviewed me said that there's nothing they can do. So they referred me to a bereavement councilor for father (mom passed away in March). Then i went to the insurance to see if we can get the doctor to do something. Nothing. They referred me to....back to adult protective service.

I have learned from the above experience that there's only so much that I can do for father. If he's determined to harm himself, no one (APS, 911, elder lawyer) is willing to step up to help. It seems, since he wants to die, then let him be. That was my take from my experience. I'm NOT saying that this will apply elsewhere. Unfortunately, in our local beliefs, when a husband dies, the other spouse will join him within a year or 2. It's a given.

The only time APS will step in - for those of you in the states - is when they become a danger to themselves and others...but that is only After They Get hurt! this is what I read over and over on this site.

When people ask me about POA, I just tell them straight that he refuses to give anyone POA. He thinks that anyone who gives POA over you - is a fool. My father is also a control freak. He tells me how to wash him,how to wipe him,when i should eat, how I should eat, when I should sleep, etc.... It's a constant struggle between us. He orders me, and I rebel.

I think as long as you live them, they will continue to believe that it is enough. They will see no incentive to find alternative care for themselves. Only you would know what to do. Would you get in trouble for moving out knowing that they need help? If others already view as their caregiver, won't that make you obligated to ensure they are safe? My oldest sister told me this when I could no longer handle both bedridden parents,a full-time job and none of my 6 siblings offering to help watch atleast Friday and Saturday nights so that I can rest. I told them that I was walking out. Sis said that I cannot - it would be abandonment and be charged for elder neglect. That's when I became seriously suicidal. Since I couldn't leave both bedridden parents (oldest bro + wife + 3 grown children live just next door - a few yards away) - I decided death was the only way out of this prison. Fortunately, I found this site and got some great advice from posters here. It has helped me a LOT!!!

After my Mother passed away my father fired the hired caregiver who helped my Mom prepare meals and clean. I had kids at home and couldn't cook for him and clean, I did get him groceries. He kept refusing my pleas for him to get more help and didn't have anything set up so I could pay his bills if something happened to him. Well, I went to some caregiving meetings and found out that my Dad's plan (or lack of plan) was called "catastrophic planning". The parent waits for a catastrophe to happen then has to react to that and hopefully forms a plan. This is what he did, he fell and had to be taken to the hospital and then to rehab. He never regained his ability to walk and stayed at the NH.
I helped him the best I could before he fell, but It killed me to see him struggle and not accept the fact that he needed help. I can't offer advice but maybe knowing that others have been in the same situation may help.

I am CARE GIVER AND I SEE MUCH OF THIS, YOU HOWEVER ARE NOT TO LET YOUR LIFE GO TO NOTHING SIT THEM BOTH DOWN TELL THEM WHAT AND HOW THIS IS TO BE AND IF THEY CAN NOT AGREE LEAVE........ DO NOT LET THEM PUT A GUILT TRIP ON YOU.............. AND LET PROPER AUTHORITIES AND DRS KNOW.IF THEY ARE BOTH SO INSENSITIVE TO YOUR WANTING TO HELP LET THEY KNOW HOW THEY TRULY \ARE THE TRUTH MAY HURT BUT ALSO HELP ..

You have NO need to be embarrassed about not having Power of Attorney. They have No Business asking you a question like that. You can only help as much as your parents allow you to. Sounds like you've reached the end of your rope with mom and dad. It is hard and nearly impossible to have an orderly life when you're trying to do the right thing and your parents are doing what they think is right. Its like walking a tight rope. Their caseworkers job is to find options for their care. I know with my dad if I talked about different things we could do to make it easier & healthier for him he would get angry. But let his caseworker come and tell him the same exact thing and he was all for it! Someone needs to step in and take some of the stress off of you.

You need to do something good for you. How about joining the local YMCA for swimming and this may connect you to other folks in your age bracket. I feel for you and admire your caring nature. It's a difficult situation you are in and there are no easy solutions. I'd like to see you living elsewhere and visiting your parents instead of living under the same roof with them. Perhaps you can locate a homeowner that will rent you out a room in a tranquil environment.

I would give your dad's doc the case manager info and vice-a-versa. If you could convince yout dad to let u go to the doc with him i would go and very politely explain the situation--if you're dad losses his temper in front of the doc even better. Three key is you remain calm. if a visit it's not possible i would contact the doc and case manager, you could fax them the info. Remember that illness and medications change people, their personality changes, sometimes the bad becomes amplified. it seems like you need them also with your issues, the offices for alliance for Aging and the elderly now have programs and assistance for caregivers. At least they will listen and try and offer advice. Your mom's smoking you can buy a really good air HP humidifier for 100 dollars at home depot, and at least you will not be breathing all the smoke. I use it in my parents room or living room at night just to clean the air. One last thing if your parents were ever involved with a church, call them and ask for someone to visit and chat. It sounds like your parents illnesses has also isolated them.

I feel so badly for you. But maybe if something does happen it will force your Daddy to make a move. Please take care of yourself too. You have a life to live not just your parents. Your Mother still smokes , shame on her. I hope you do not buy them or go get them for her. Sorry but they sound like very unloving people to me. So why should you eat your heart out over them. Take back your Life and get them out of it before they end up with a dead , too Caring Daughter.