Follow
Share

I am a paid caregiver for an old family friend. He has been very narcisstic man his whole adult life. He is 79 and has Parkinson's syndrome. He does need help doing most everything. My thoughts and questions are- I am assuming he will never change for the better. I have now entered his "inner circle" and he is verbally abusive and demanding. It is hard to set boundaries because if he doesn't get waited on hand and foot for things such as bring him a drink, comb his hair (very vain), pick up things he has dropped, turn up tv, change channels, etc. he will threaten to get up and do it himself. He falls about once or twice a week- just being stubborn. His wife has applied for Medicaid so someday he will be going into a nursing home but until then I am trying to figure out how to keep myself on an even keel. Sometimes I remain calm, other times I am rude to him (not as rude as he is), sometimes I just agree with him that I am very lazy or wherever he accuses me of being, sometimes I smile, etc. Nothing seems to change his consistent demeanor. Any suggestions to help me and his wife get through the next few months? thanks for reading !!!!

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I have been there, done that as the saying goes. I learned the hard way, far, far too late. It matters not who the person is - spouse, friend, child, whatever. YOU must decide if YOU are willing to take the nastiness and abuse. If you do, then I say YOU ARE A FOOL. No one deserves to be treated this way, no matter what the reasons are. If you want to be a martyr and all attempts to make peace and tranquility simply don't work, then YOU MUST DECIDE TO STAY OR LEAVE. DO NOT ALLOW PEOPLE TO ABUSE YOU - EVER! If that means, you leave for another job, then do it. If it is family, then REMOVE THEM FROM YOUR PRESENCE AND PUT THEM SOMEWHERE. If YOU don't fight for yourself, YOU WILL END UP BEING DESTROYED - is that what you want?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Yes, capnhardass, I totally agree with your way of dealing with an abusive, narcisstic, parent. My mother fits this mold to a "T" and I'd love to be able to "deal" with her in my own way. Unfortunately, the justice system wouldn't agree with my solution!!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My dad can get like this, but he gets nastier if you keep being nice to him or just ignore it. I found that saying "Please do not talk to me like that" to be effective. And at one point, when things were calm- I politely explained to him that I could no longer tolerate how he was talking to me and if it continued I would have no choice, for MY well being and mental health to cut way down on helping him. Total 100% turnaround.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

" turn the other cheek " then roundhouse him plum outta his chair. thats the way i roll..
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I can't believe this subject came to my attention today. After being off the computer almost 10 days, having my son, daughter in law and 17 month. old for a week, while I ran 102º degree temp, baby sitting a few nights so they could go out. Then suddenly what should've been done in a psychology setting, my daughter in law starts telling me in front of my son, that he's not been helping around the house. She asks him to do things and he lays in bed or doesn't get it done.
I had to explain to her, that when a man is laid off from his job (within the yr), and his only living Grandmother dies, his mother had major surgery.
That the things happening in order are enough to send anyone into a downward spiral of depression. And that's what happened. As the three of us sat and had this discussion of marital agreements and the most crucial of elements, "communication", I thought I had handled it well. They went out for a bit, I got to rock my Grandson and all was well...as could be.
Having what seems like a small house when the baby can't go out and play, left us helping to entertain our little munchkin, however he's so inquisitive about how things work, he doesn't "play" too much. Busy looking for something to work with.
With all the tension...yes tension on my part, I have fibro, anxiety, depression, mood swings, sleep apnea, my lower lumbar spine is bone to bone, sciatica on right side, this list goes on.
After finally getting relief from the stress of everything via laxative and an enima, I told my husband this morning, I thought you'd ask if I wanted some soup last night....sh_t hit the fan.
IT WAS ALL ABOUT HIM, oh my god, he'd been ignored in the bedroom as of today it's been 10 days and yet I didn't do a damn thing.
By the way, his biggest part in the five day visit was to talk to his Grandson in his man cave.
It was way beyond my belief how he turned this completely around being about him. "I don't do a damn thing for you do I?...and that started.
I didn't remind him of the previous week, the 102º temp, the constipation from nerves being tested to their limit for me. I'm one of those "but you don't look sick".
Anyone that has fibro or knows someone with fibro knows how difficult it is on a good day, for those of us with husbands that are so "INTO" themselves makes everything about them. I was truly flabbergasted.
I told him I'm sorry I brought it up, it wouldn't have done any good to try and state the fact, he would've had a reason..."well you always tell the kids to come down". I'm very thankful my daughter in law talked to me and not someone in her home town where it would've spread like wildfire, and be for all the wrong reasons, not knowing/understanding the background.
Thank You for letting me post this, it's truly been cathartic and hope to move onto another day tomorrow. Oh, we've been married 40 yrs, only God knows how we've made it this long.
thanks again.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Is he on any medications that can be causing these unpleasant side effects? Sometimes medications (especially being on multiple medications) can change a person's personality for the worse. I'm sure there are other factors, but it is worth checking into. In addition, sometimes around my mother I wear ear plugs, as sometimes she can be annoying.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

One of these days he's going to break a hip (or worse) & the nursing home decision will be made without his wife being "the bad guy"...I suspect that is also a good part of the reason why she isn't placing him now - that would fall into the enabler personality. I would tell his wife that you don't know how much more you can take, and you don't want to leave her stranded with him alone, so let's start searching for a good placement for him now. Obviously she can't handle him herself, or you wouldn't have a job, right? Not buying into the verbal attacks, which only makes it worse, is a good suggestion, but that is definitely easier said than done. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

FROG:

Unless the pay is too good to pass up, I'd caregive for someone else who appreciates my help and doesn't treat me like a slave. Once I've located employment elsewhere, I'd give Mr. Parkinson's the heads up.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I could write a novel on this particular subject but I will spare you all the details.

My 89 year old mother is selfish, narisistic, mean,abusive, manipulative and lies constantly. Her nasty ways have been evident since I was a child but my wonderful and caring father did not stand up to her and he and the rest of our family is paying a terrible price. (Yes, she has been challenged will major medical problems, that has exasperated the frequency of disruptive behavior, but it was always evident and has devastated our family).

This man will never change and I suspect his wife was an enabler and recognized that her husband was narsistic but choose to stay. The medical ailments are magnifiying the behavior and the situation will continue to deteriorate. The wife' s emotional and physical health are at risk although she may not recognize or acknowlege this.

Many wonderfull and kind people are on this board and will often recommend setting boundaries (you teach people how to treat you). When you are dealing with a narsistic personality, ( a mental illness with a large spectrum of behaviors- mild to a nightmare in hell) this strategy is not effective. Game changer.

Narsistic people lack empathy, are empty in side, do not love or care about anyone. They will use any means to satisfy their needs. Confronting the behavior leads to denial, more outragous behavior, verbal attack, abuse and lies. Don't do it.

Reindeermama is absolutely correct. Focus your energy on identifying appropriate placements, get some outside help and advise from professionals, do internet research to identify nursing homes in the area and ratings. (Us world report nursing home ratings 2012). Visit the top rated nursing homes in the area. Do not make an appointment, go in a side door, look around and ask for directions to the admissions office. What do you see? Are the facilities clean, are the workers pleasant, happy helpful, what interactions with patients do you see? Are the patients well taken care of and engaged? I talked to aides smoking outside to see how they liked working their and recieved candidate feedback. Admisisons directors are very helpful and infomative and will help you facilitate the process but their job is to keep the beds full. (Unfortunately, the availability of male beds is very limited in most facilities so this may be more difficult than you may imagine but your friend may be transferred in to the selected facility at a later date.) If you drive up to a facility and don't like what you see, walk away, drive away. Next---. Start out with the closest and best rated facilities first.

( As a result of research, effort and assistance from professionals my Dad is in a top rated facility in MA, a 5 star facility that is 10 minutes from the house. )

The transition into a nursing facilitiy and the adjustment period will most likely be another very difficult challenge for all parties involved. Please take my advise. Move forward begining today!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Probably if you to tell the wife it is getting to be too annoying for you and you cannot take the abuse anymore and put in a 2 week notice she will then decide she cannot do it on her own and decide on a nursing home for him. This man will not get that treatment in a nursing home.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Start calling nursing homes and see if they have rooms open, and are willing to take
medicaid pending. They will probably want his wife to tell them their financial situation to see if they think he would be approved for medicaid. They will also come and do a eval. to see if a nursing home is medically necessary. Patients do have to meet a certain criteria to be admitted to a home, it does not only rest on medicaid approval. I would start doing these things as soon as possible so that his wife who I am sure he treats badly too can have some relief.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I have been taking care of my dad who is like this. The best way to handle this behavior is to smile, nod, and continue on. I, however, think in my mind....Oh, there he goes again. An ipod is an excellent ideal. However, I would not tell him the truth,
as a social worker once told me, practice creative fibbing. I have to learn the words to some songs. Just ignore and remember this is a mental illness. However, it is hard to treat. If you tell him how you really feel, then due to the illness, he will find someway to blame you and he becomes even more justified in
his treatment of you in his mind. I have been going through this since 2008 and if you ignore and turn the other cheek, you have done the right thing, but if you talk
back it can really make his bad behavior worse. I know, my daughter talked back, and then he told people horrible things about her that were not true. Remember a narcisstic person also lies to manipulate and to blame and as the social worker told me my dad could get me into trouble with his lies. In fact, he did. But thank goodness the social worker assigned to him talked to this other person who had made a report and told him about dad and how what he said was not true. Ignore, ignore, ignore...don't let it get to you. He can also be put into a nursing home with the designation "medicaid pending" and she could probably get him approved based on his fall risk and Parkinson's.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

You need an IPOD. Plug in and tune him out when you get tired of it. If he has a problem with you listening to your music and singing along, tell him the truth. Who cares right?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.