Caring for my mom. I need suggestions.


I had to leave my home, job and partner in AZ to move in with my mom in Michigan. I'm becoming very resentful then guilty. She is 99 yo and in good health but her memory is bad. She fell and couldn't live alone any more. Both of my siblings died in the last year and really don't have any family to help out. I have a home care person come in when needed but my mom doesn't have the money for a lot of that. We tried Medicaid but her income is too high. I'm at my wits end and cry every day. I need suggestions.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.


Thank u all, all your suggestions have been helpful. She is legally blind so I need to check if she can get Medicaid. She doesn't have any saved money, her income just provides to keep the house running. I need to find a lawyer to see if I can sell the house, as that will help pay for het care.
Helpful Answer (0)

For your own sanity, place her somewhere. You can't give up your life for hers without going crazy. If she has the means to afford a nursing home or assisted living, move her there. You say she can't qualify for medicaid, which means she at least has some modest assets.  I'm learning with my 85 year old mother that she made her choices to live her life and if I would let her she would ruin my life now. You cannot choose her feelings or attitude, but you can choose your actions. I don't mean to sound harsh, but what I am saying comes from my current "school of hard knocks" training I am going through dealing with my mother. You have a responsibility to make sure she is cared for an comfortable. You have a responsibility to yourself to as much as possible, live your own life.
Helpful Answer (1)

Does she have any chronic conditions that might enable her to get Palliative Care? That would last longer than home health care scripted for by a doctor, unless the doctor scripted for more than just rehab type care.
Helpful Answer (1)

Let me echo what Jeanne said about getting an attorney to find out how you might be able to enable your mom to qualify for medicaid. Make sure the attorney is well versed in medicaid in your area. It might be that the services are better in Arizona than in Michigan. Check that out too. 

Meanwhile, does your mom have traditional medicare? If so, see if her doctor will order HH to come in and assist her with her bath. A nurse will come in and assess her vitals weekly and the aid can usually come twice a week to help with the bath. It's not a lot of help but its better than none and medicare pays for it. You are visiting and she needs help is your story and stick with it.
 You could also get physical therapy to help her get stronger. 
Meals on Wheels might be available for her in her area. 

You and mom have both been through a lot this past year. Try to take care of yourself as well. Its a huge adjustment for you. I remember when I had to spend time away from home and with my elders because they couldn't be left alone and it was very hard for me. Thankfully I haven't had to do too much of that, but it was and is a challenge when I have to. This time will pass. It all does. Do everything you can to cherish your life and time with mom. Walking saved my life. I walked each morning and it pumped me up for the day and made me sleep better at night. Talk on your phone while you walk and it will help the time pass quickly. When you first start just do 5 or 10 min if that is all you can do. Each day you will be stronger. If you are already a walker, add some yoga to keep you flexible. Challenge yourself to improve your life. I know it's hard. Come back and let us know how you are doing and what you are finding out. We want to know. Hugs
Helpful Answer (5)

Chumlay1, this is a very sad and frustrating situation! You love your mother, of course, but you also have a life to live.

Would your mother be able to travel to AZ with you? Could your partner do some research on a suitable care center, and also contact a lawyer who specializes in Elder Law to determine if/how she might be eligible for Medicaid? Having your own life in AZ and also being able to visit her often and on short notice would certainly relive the crying every day, wouldn't it?
Helpful Answer (2)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.