Caring for my ill mother who's 88. How much say should my siblings have in my home when Mom comes?

Honestly, like others have said, you don't need to listen to anyone. Do what you know is right and all will be good. My husband and I are the caregivers for my mother in our home. We have taken care of her and my father prior to his passing from Alzheimer's five years ago. While I have three brothers, only one is worth his salt and comes in from out of town to help a couple of times a year. In the spring, my husband and I took a Disney Cruise with our kids and grandkids. My "good brother" offered to come and stay with Mom while we were gone and we eagerly took him up on the offer. I just learned two days ago that another SIL was upset we went on a cruise with Mom being bedridden and tried to corner my good brother in talk about her care! (He shut her down within seconds.) I informed my SIL yesterday that I will not now, nor will ever, apologize for taking time with our family as long as Mom is in good hands. I also informed her that while she may think she knows what happens in the house with her 30 minute monthly visits, she does not. I also had to firmly ask that if she has any questions about Mom's care that she come to me, not go behind my back and try to stir things up. This Coming to Jesus Party must have made an impact because she called yesterday to offer to stay a night a week with Mom so we can get a full night's sleep. (Medication every 4 hours = little sleep).

We have to keep in mind that while people talk, they often do not mean to be malicious. My SIL is a good person with good intentions, but she overstepped in my mind. Your family members may, or most likely will, do the same. Just keep in mind what you do and if you can sleep at night without a conscious, you are good. You are there and see what needs to be done. Others do not see the big picture, only snapshots.

None! My sister contributes nothing but advice. She does not visit or invite mom over to her house. So I take none of her suggestions and shut down her smug satisfaction that mom can be difficult. It’s a tough job. I tell myself every day I’ll be glad I did this when she’s gone.

First, I want to tell you that you & your husband are good people. But you will ALWAYS hear this. There could be 10 children, but it will end up only ONE who ha to do everything. I went through it, we all will.
I wouldn't even bother calling them with updates, let them call, or come & visit
I want to tell you something. That as her sole caretaker, YOU are entitled to be paid by the State. If her husband was a veteran, your Mom is also entitled to not only help, but she will actually receive more money each month.
This happened in our family just recently. The VA took a lot of time, but the amount I money that they paid her, and it was retroactive back from when we first started.
We actually found out accidentally. They will NEVER tell you.So, if you get a check from the state and your Mom gets that extra money, ask your friend about hiring an aid,( off the books) like a sitter where you can have a date night with your husband.
I WOULD NOT mention this to your siblings. They won't help, they don't need to know.
May God Bless you and your family
May God bless you

Much to my chagrin, a legal quirk has caused me to become an independent co POA in a situation like this for a relative whom I dearly love.The other POA is manipulated and motivated by a psychologically damaged spouse, who with no legal standing has assumed a role that is ludicrous to those who know the actual facts of the case.
I am finding that when my ENTIRE FOCUS is on the welfare, happiness, and comfort of my loved one, all the nonsense INCLUDING ADVICE assumes a more natural and comfortable perspective, and I IGNORE almost everything that is said. The other POA has been helpful and conscientious about maintaining the real estate that must be sold, and I appreciate that.
The ignorant, loudly stated, manipulative, often hostile and negative comments from that POA AND SPOUSE I must take for what they are worth, which is absolutely NOTHING.
DEFINITELY ABSOLUTELY get a POA if you don’t have one now, especially if Mom is clear enough to express her desire for you to have one for her.
You have my most sincere sympathy for your circumstances, because when this comes up, at least in my situation, your life long beliefs about people whom you have known and perhaps trusted, go right out the window.
The smiles and chats I have almost daily with My Dear One do help to balance out everything else.
I hope your experiences with your Cherished Mom will be a similar gift to you.

Of course you are in charge in your own home. However this may be a very important time to try to get some future help from the people who are offering advice. This site has many comments about the need to ask for something specific when people say ‘is there anything I can do’. You have some difficult times ahead, and it’s a pity to turn people off, even if they are being annoying. See if you can set the stage for future visits for your aunt and time off for yourself. Your line could be ‘That’s a good idea, but what would be really good is if you can ….. What arrangement would work for you?’. At the very least, if they aren’t intending to do anything but give advice, asking for help should get them out of your hair very quickly!

Your siblings do not really want to hear what I have to say. I am the primary caretaker for my husband's elderly aunt. She never married and has no children. There are 52 nieces and nephews of which 48 of them live in the same area as us. Not one goes to visit her or take her out to lunch and the sad part of it all is that they are RETIRED! My husband and I both own our own businesses and have 4 adult children and 5 grandchildren. So, I do not think that anyone has a say in anything that goes on in your home unless it is a safety issue. My husband's brother attempted to get into her finances and accused us of using her money for personal gain. He has not once attempted to help. Needless to say, I opened the books and asked him if he was willing to shell out some of the $25,000 we put into her care prior to her getting medicaid approved. You have to answer to no one but your husband and your mother and your teenage grandkids in order to make this move workable for all of YOU. I will be praying for the best for you.....and kudos to you, my aunt was NOT able to live with us due to her inability to not smoke in our home.....that is why she is in assisted living........

You should have all the say.
Say, "You are invited guests in my home, be sure to act like it."

None, nada, zero, zilch. I hope you have POA?

You could be nasty and tell them they offered no help so they have no say in Moms care or how you set things up. Or...you can smile and when they leave do ur own thing. Keep things calm for Mom. How ill is she. Maybe you could consider Hospice. You would get an aide.

Your siblings should have no say in your home - whether your mother lives there with you or not your siblings are only guests. They _should_ be willing to help with your mother's care (under your direction since you are accepting day to day responsibility) and visit her regularly. I recommend you make your decisions on what works best for your family with limited consideration for your siblings advice when it doesn't seem helpful.