Caring for my fiancee's grandfather and feeling frustrated. Any advice?

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Good afternoon all.. I was Hoping you could help me. So a year ago my Fiancee's grandfather came to visit us he has COPD hes on oxygen 24/7. I had no idea he would end up living with us. At the time I was not working due to my own illnesses. My FI works so i was taking grandpa to all of his doc appts, to do all of his errands, cooking and cleaning prescriptions ect. At the end of last year my health improved a little and I was able to start working again. I was never asked if i was ok with this living situation it sort of just happened. He has a daughter that doesn't work and lives a few hours north of us but somehow he decided it would be easier to live with us. My FI and I both work and now my FI having to take time off of work to take him to doctors appointments almost every week. Grandpa drinks, a lot and i have to go to the store every few days to get alcohol for him because its on MY way home. I miss cooking at my leisure and sometimes not cooking at all, now every night I do it to feed grandpa. Its not like he's mean but its starting to get me a bit frustrated. Its always "i need you to pick up this " or "whats for dinner?" or "When's your next day off i need to go do this.." or "after you get home from work I need you to..." Now my FI does all that he can, and I do all that I can to help him but I know its starting to get tiring to both of us though he will never admit it because i think he'll feel guilty. If I ever mention that i miss living without grandpa or hint at it he gets kind of.. frustrated? I ask if he ever feels that way and he doesn't have an answer. The other thing is that grandpa has no patience. AT ALL.He yells and screams at people at the pharmacy and people at the doctors office, people that i have to see and deal with. I feel like I'm taking care of somebody when I barely take care of myself with my illness and work. I don't want to seem like the bad guy but I've been with my FI 4 years, we're newly engaged, young and this should be a happy time for us but its loaded down with extra responsibilities and difficulties. Grandpa can't afford to live on his own and my FI cares for him as if he was his father....I guess I'm just getting overwhelmed and frustrated.. Any suggestions would be great. Thank you!!

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He came for a visit and ended up living with you? How did that happen? Where was he living before his "visit"? It sounds like you got played. Now you're an unpaid maid for a demanding alcoholic. Good times.
Find another place for him to live. Contact social services, your local office on aging, everybody you can think of. Just get him out! And don't buy him any more booze.
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Bluebird, you and your fiance are being used. You and he need to arrange for some counseling together to gain some skills in communicating, negotiating and dealing with problems like these.
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Number one on my list would be no more buying alcohol. This just adds to any problems he already has. Does he have retirement, on social security; this money should be used for his care. Call the daughter and let her know Dad is coming for a month long visit starting next weekend and during that time the family needs to decide what the next step will be.

This is not the way to start a marriage. I agree you are both being used and need to set boundaries immediately. Your fiancé has nothing to feel guilty about; the daughter is another story!
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I think GF is exploiting both you and your financee and taking advantage of your good nature and desire to care for him.

This might be a workable situation if you can set some parameters, such as asking him ("requiring", nicely put) to make lists of what he needs so you can coordinate it with your own shopping trips, no more than once a week or less. I would be firm and just tell him this is the new rule as you don't have time to shop more than once a week.

Is he able to get out and walk, or does he just sit around and drink? He really does need to get some hobbies or do something.

I also would refuse to take him anywhere he makes a scene. There's no reason why anyone should have to tolerate that.

He needs to understand you're not his personal concierge and chef.

The drinking would really bother me though, but I doubt if he'll go to AA to try to stop. Still, just me, but I would refuse to pick up liquor for him. See if you can find an AA program locally and tell him you'll take him to that.

This is a lot to ask for someone who seems to want his own way, but talk it over with your financee to make sure he agrees, as if he doesn't, the changes won't be successful.

I agree that the daughter needs to start helping out, especially if she doesn't work. Perhaps you could move GF to her home for a few weeks just to give you some rest.

This is really not a good way to start out a married life, with this kind of ball and chain around both your necks.

Hope you can get some changes made.
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Gramps needs to go to a home or ALF. You deserve a fresh start at a life, gramps had his. And NO WAY NO HOW do you knowingly bring children into an avoidable situation with an alcoholic, it hurts the entire family and is a lousy role model. This may be the first test of your soon to be marriage bit it will not be the last.
I am not saying you need to kick the old man to the curb, you need to find him an alternate living arrangement, visit him often, bake him cookies, have him over for holidays. He can be a beloved family member without being a household member.
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It is rare and wonderful for a grandson to have this bond. I don't know where you live but look for adult day care for him. It's better to have him worn out by activities, and some places serve a lunch.
For the cooking, make enough for you to have more than one meal. When I cook a batch of chili or make a meatloaf, there's at least two dinners in there. Leftover chicken becomes chicken salad the next day..
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Why isn't grandfather's daughter taking care of him? I have a feeling she won't put up with him and his nastiness. Get him to go live with her. There's no reason for you two young folks to have your lives turned upside down because of an alcoholic, mean old guy. And just how old is this guy? I'm thinking he may not be as old as I imagine him to be. Is he in his 60s? His behavior will only get worse because of his alcohol consumption.

Get him out now - and don't feel one ounce of guilt about it! Let his daughter take care of his needs, whether he lives with her or she just oversees his care.
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Yeah he's not a veteran..See the thing is that FI feels bad... after all the things grandpa has done to help everybody there is nobody to help him. As i said he has been more like a father then a grandfather to him. And i love that he cares about his family, that is wonderful. But the situation can and does get frustrating. This is the Crux of the matter.. I'm just reaching out to get some support or suggestions. I know this is not the ideal situation for the 3 of us.. It seems that its not uncommon for caregivers to feel guilty over feeling this way but somehow we still do..
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This is no way to start a marriage. If grandpa was a wartime veteran, call the VA, because they CAN and WILL take care of him. It's not fair to your future together to start off with an oversized spoiled toddler.
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