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I just need to vent, and hoping someone will understand, or has the same type of situation.


My mother is 96, and has been having health issues for quite awhile now. She recently had another hospital stay, and is home now, but requires constant care. My sister is her main caregiver, but I help out because my sister is in her 70's.


Here is the issue. I truly do not like my mother. She is a nasty, manipulative, demanding, selfish person, and always has been! She does nothing but scream at us if we don't do what she wants, when she wants it, and we never seem to do anything right! She was physically and emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up. She has mental issues, and she fakes many ailments to get attention. She treats my sister, her main caregiver, like trash and my sister just accepts it. I won't tolerate it, and if I speak up to my mother, my sister gets upset with me! I'm having some health issues of my own, and also have a daughter who has been ill for many years that I need to be there for. I am beyond stressed out with the pressures of it all, which makes my health condition worse due to high stress. My siblings, who live far away, also put pressure on me to help my sister more, while they get to live their lives!


I feel like a horrible person for resenting my mother, but I can't help it. She was never there for me, and emotionally and physically abused me when I was younger, and even though I went through therapy, I still cannot get past it. I look at her and feel disgusted. I dread going to take care of her, and I don't feel like giving up my life for someone who treated me so horribly. All I have is flashbacks of how I was treated as a child. I also can't stand my sister catering to her, and condoning her behavior. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for listening!

I am so sorry for your situation. I hope you might try with all your will to detach. Certainly detach from your sister. She has to make her own choices and you caring will only hurt your well being further. If your mother has been this abusive then she is clearly a mother in name only. Your life has worth. I hope you can claim that.
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Reply to Riverdale
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stay away from her. you don't owe her anything and neither does your sister. enjoy your life
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Reply to jemthod
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If your mother was NOT a real mother to you and made you suffer and you are being physically, emotionally, mentally abused - then you have one choice to make. STAY AWAY FROM HER COMPLETELY. She has no right to think she deserves your care and affection. She doesn't. And if your sister is in "cahoots" with her and abuses you too, for heaven's sake, stay clear of both of them. Take are of you and your own first - starting now. Check into Medicaid so she could be put somewhere where you assured of no contact. If your sister wants to care for her, let her do it.
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Reply to Riley2166
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Please consult a social worker who could try & find respite care so you'd get a break. Otherwise it's best you place her in a nursing home while you apply for medicaid, (cuz your life is important too).
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Reply to Tiger55
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You have every right to step back from your abusive mother. And so does your sister. But she has to make that decision for herself.

I like the idea of getting together with this sister and being honest with her. Your mother needs to be placed in a facility. The heck with what the uninvolved sibs say.

You can only make choices for yourself. Don't continue to allow yourself to be abused because your sister has made that choice. With any luck, SHE will also walk away from your mother!
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Reply to CTTN55
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Will your sister be on board with the possibility of residential care?
In my situation I did everything humanly possible to keep my mother home after she fell and broke her hip at the age of 89, gained about 50 pounds, developed a sleep disorder and severe depression and anxiety, only to find that she was far happier AND HEALTHIER, in residential care. Her 5 1/2 years in “her” nursing home were the best years of her prior 20 years alone in her own house.
IF your sister and you can agree, find out from your local Office of the Aging if you can have her tested for dementia.
If, as she might, she refuses an evaluation, trained geriatric specialists can actually determine useful information from the behavior they see.
Start a journal of her behavior when you are there. Try not to use emotionally charged language if you can. “Screaming” is a specific sound, so if she yells, swears, or talks in insults note that.
For yourself, consider her aberrant behavior as evidence, and as such, jot it down in your “behaviors journal” instead of reacting emotionally to it.
Whether you or your sister, NO CAREGIVER has “absorb abuse” as a requirement. Start thinking of a solution that will improve the lives of all THREE of you. Feel free to disregard comments from out of town sibs that don’t function as part of the solution you and your sister are working toward.
You are NOT alone.
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Reply to AnnReid
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Hey Kenzi... some of us get stuck with bio parents that aren't good for us. It's an awful situation to be in, for sure.

Can you get a social worker to act as the go-to for your mother's care, and then you don't have to be re-traumatized by trying to be her advocate while she needs care...?

That may be for the best. If there is money to pay for it, you could hire a geriatric case manager independent of social programs, too, if the sister ever gets tired of being mom's punching bag.
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Reply to AliBoBali
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Your feelings are perfectly understandable - your egg donor was your mother in name only. Tragic but true. 

I would try to form a good working relationship with your sister - what she wants to do is her choice, but explain your feelings honestly to her. Communication is crucial here and you can do so much to support each other just by being honest with one another. As to other sibs, if they want a say, they have to step up. Or shut up.
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Reply to rovana
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Kenzi your so hurt over your relationship with your mom. Your sister appears to be content with taking care of her. Let go now! Its Ok. Step back from the situation. You have unresolved issues from childhood along with resentment & pain. Your constantly being there trying to be helpful & gain acceptance is not working. You need to find love and support else where for now. Come around once or twice a week or call your sister to check on mom. You do not have to be a victim of their insensitivity towards you. You are your own person. You can decide what you will and will not accept from them. Let your mom miss seeing you and evaluate within herself what she is feeling about you. That's her issue not yours. You can't change how their treating you but you can stay away and get control over your feelings about them. You will feel better when you make the decision to distance yourself from them.
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Reply to waterfalls
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You need to sit down calmly with sister. Tell her you can no longer take care of Mom. That she is effecting your health and you need to be there for your daughter. That sister needs to get help in. If Mom has no money, try Medicaid to see if you can get some homecare. Office of Aging sometimes have aids. Tell sister you will help like getting groceries, doing laundry, etc. Tel, your siblings the next time they call, that if they are so concerned to give up some of their time and give sister a break.

Tell sister its time for a home.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Kenzi,
You say you have siblings who live far away. Well, THEY obviously aren't helping. I would ask each of them for a monetary amount equal to what a home health aide would cost to cover your part of the care. You already have your hands full with your health conditions and your sick daughter. Do NOT buy into any guilt put on you. Contribute financially, if you can.

Does your mother have dementia? If not, then you can't forcibly put her into a facility if she wouldn't want to go.

Your caregiver sister is coping by ignoring the verbal abuse and trying to keep the peace. That's her way of getting along. It's OK that YOU can't do that. Sis is able to live that way but don't feel bad that you can't. You shouldn't be taking care of someone that you find emotionally abusive. It wouldn't be good for you or your mother. It's OK not to love your "egg-donor" (it sounds like that's all she was). Not all mothers are worthy of the gift of love.

Speaking from experience, therapy is a great tool to learn about your situation and give suggestions for what you can do to change your situation. Sometimes it is impossible to change feelings imbedded in your emotions. "Forgive and forget" is practically impossible if the abuse is continuing.

Hire a caregiver to give your sister respite from her burden and live life without your mother.
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Reply to SueC1957
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I have to ask, if your mother is so toxic to everyone, has mental and health issues and is abusive as well, why is she not in a facility? Any promises made at any time to not put her in a facility became null and void when she started abusing you when you became an adult. Document the off the wall behavior; the screaming and yelling, using the video feature on your phone or even purchasing a tape recorder. If she becomes physically abusive to you or is out of control when you’re caring for her, call 911.

Your sister is enabling her and making it worse for you. I would back out of the situation. Suggest if your sister needs help she should contact Medicare and sign on a Home Health Care aide because your health is suffering.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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