You will never fill their well of neediness you might as well give up trying-narcissic people think they are right and the rest of the world is wrong-how sick is that- learn to detatch and if you want to have them placed do it why should you give up your life for someone who does not even like you-so she will be alone-what else does she deserve.
Oh yes, I got the "put me in a home" thing when I was told that she can't plan for her future because it's too much for her little head. I am an only child too; I'm so sick of the manipulation, I prevented her from moving here and now she has to make decisions for her future. I have given her money and she has insurance for long-term care and if she cancels it, it's her problem. I just do not have the energy for her head problems anymore, with my own health problems to manage. My mother told me that it's "her job" to make my life more difficult. This was after my father's death, after my career burnout, after getting endometriosis and fatigue. Somehow, in her mind, my life was not already difficult enough. So I have decreased her role in my life. I don't care if people think I am not a good daughter anymore, in fact I have told our family about her behavior and I got no backlash. Don't let them back you into a corner -- they are not entitled to ruin your life just because they are you parent. If you are living with them, call a home and take them for tours -- make yourself options; you are not as obligated as you feel.
You are not alone! As much as I love my Mom, there is no way to make her happy. I am always hearing, "just put me in a home somewhere" to which I usually answer " you won't be happy there, either!". All she does is complain. Her aches and pains, the weather, the food I cook, anything and everything! I have a negative streak myself, which I had never noticed but friends always pointed out. Well I had a good teacher! I suddenly realize where it came from. Mom could win the billion dollar lottery, and find something to complain about! The one though, that really hurts. " That's why I always wished I had had a girl!, You just can't help me like a girl would!" Since I was a child, all I ever heard was. "I always hoped I would have a girl, but instead I got you!" Trust me, that hurts when you are an only child!
Wayfarer your post makes me ask the question and use a word that I haven't seen very much in these posts and that is--when did they perfect the practice of intimidation? My cousin used that word once, laughingly in a conversation with me once years ago, when she said 'she really is quite intimidating, isn't she?' That was an understatement. I was beyond petrified of this woman from a little girl up until the time I let go, this past spring. Shake in your boots afraid. Of course, getting severe beatings may have played into my terror! By the way, my father adored me, would tell me he was proud of me, and never laid a hand on me.
You need to perfect the icy smirk. When they say something hurtful, just stare them down and curl you lip. There is a good chance they are already doing it to you. The other thing you can do is perfect some sort of condescending phrase that shoots them down and establishes your superiority & judgment for everything they like and enjoy; like "OH GOD!" with a disgusted tone, as if what they said about something nice, is equal to stepping in dog poo -- the more dramatic you can be, the better. You need to just mimic them most likely -- getting a taste of their own medicine is good therapy. Another tactic is to dismiss their feelings as things that don't matter, as if every little issue they have is a "snit" and you have much better things to do. I suspect she's gotten away with this behavior for a awhile. Make some drama out of it and show her that you can make waves too. You have to take back some of your power -- she thinks she can run you down and you will take it because you want to be a perfect daughter. Don't be a perfect daughter -- it's not paying off emotionally, is it?
Boy! How these stories remind me of my mom before she died. I agree that she will never change. With my mom I just saw to her physical needs(food meds etc) and then walked away. Nothing I ever did was right even sneezing. (I was supposed to sneeze like a lady How do you do that?) I just walked away and had my own life.
My mother moved in with me two months after my father passed away because she had never been alone in her life and also financial reasons. She was enabled all her life and as my brother would say, I have taken over the role. She is now 83 and extremely mean and hurtful with words. She has told me how bad a daughter I am, person, wife I was, a joke, stupid bitch, a slut in public....say no more. I have sacrificed my life to take care of her and recently lost my job to what I feel is stress related. Unfortunately she will not go to a nursing home, she is antisocial and has alienated herself. She can be so very nice and cheerful with others, and a totally different person around myself. Her anger and bitterness and hurtful words are there every day of my life and I have been tolerating this situation for the last three years. I took personal time to be with her when she had operations, doctor appts., anytime she needed me I was there. She is so hateful and resentful towards me now and it is really difficult to understand and rise above. Particularly when she can be so nice with others. The negativity is horrible, and each day I pray that it will get better. I am now 57 years of age and looking for work while tolerating this situation. I try to be happy and positive, but really inside I am a bundle of nerves ready to explode. My grandmother who lived with us growing up (her mother) was a completely different person. My mother has had mental issues since I was born but not diagnosed until I was a teenager. She had been hospitalized at least a couple of times and apparently I was the one to blame. I have grown up with some kind of inborn guilt and have always felt responsible for other people, in particular my family. There isn't easy solution to the situation and can only do the best possible. It would be nice to speak with a professional but it is so very difficult to get an appointment. So, sometimes it helps to vent with others who share the same problems and challenges, who understand the situation. God bless all of the children of elderly parents who have taken them in to care for them, a very difficult selfless task, a thankless job, yet hopefully when the end does come have found some peace and acceptance in knowing they did all they were able to do to help. A leader leads by example.
just remember it is their problem not yours. Don't let it change who you are and don't dwell on what she says, just keep in mind that you would never treat anyone this way. It is remorse, regret and all of the other unfulfilled tasks that bother your mother ....don't even let it in...just zone out and nod....or buy an iPod.....when she sees you smiling and happy she may then realize that it is up to us to choose...happy or mad....
Narcissistic personality...SO familiar with THAT ONE. Mom has been that way her entire life. The world has and always will revolve around HER and HER only. Nobody and I mean NOBODY is as important as she is. She made that clear when we were small and it continues today..she's 76. It never goes away. She complains about EVERY thing..always negative, NEVER positive..even when I redirect her. I could never, ever please her no matter what. I've always colored, cut and styled her hair and each time after I'd finish, I'd show her the mirror and ask, well...what do you think? Her answer was either 1. It'll do or 2. I don't like it. ...this after I'd spent almost 2 hours on it. I just got used to it a long time ago. They don't understand or know anything different other than negativity. She's been that way since she was a kid...it ain't going anywhere now. I would usually just say..well, thanks a lot, mom..I just spent 2 hours doing your hair exactly like you want it and don't even get a "thank you". THEN...she'd realize she didn't even say thanks and she would but it was kind of like pulling eye teeth. I walked away so many times. You HAVE to or it will drive you NUTTY...There is no changing them at this point in their lives.
Forgiveness is a huge word and it means different things to different people. I worry when people who are being treated miserably are given the added task to "forgive" -- you may take it as an additional "failure" on your part if you can't figure out how the heck to do it. Sometime forgiveness is a RESULT of other processes, other perspectives -- not necessarily something you can just decide to do. No wonder it hurts -- nobody can hurt us quite like our mothers can. There's a lot you can do to understand better what's going on, so you can understand that what she says and does is in fact not information about your worth as a human being. Taking what she says ABOUT or TO you as being meaningful information is one source of hurt. In fact, it's information about HER. There's even a website called
The more you give in to their negativity, the more it perpetuates it. If you can point out the good things in light of all the negative ones she sees, and if you do not respond to the negative comments out of being offended it will help to smooth things over ...sometimes. Depending upon whether you live with your elderly mother or not, sometimes the best thing to do is smile and just walk away. If you are only there for a short stint, then smile move on to things you need to do and let them vent and once they have, change the subject, help to "redirect" their thoughts. Much like children...you can use the method of redirection and it will work. Unless they have a tempermant to "beat a dead horse" then..you may have to just walk away cordially, but for your sainity sake. It ends up best for you and for them when you do not get pulled into their place of self pity or negativity. HELP them if possible to recognize the good things they have been given. Otherwise, just bless them and help with what you can, they won't be around forever so enjoy what you do have with them. Recalling good..old memories with them, pictures to help recall those "good times" can be a tool of redirection. Sometimes these things work. It all depends upon the situation. Remember, forgiveness is key, and when you forgive them you are allowing yourself to be cut loose from the situation and releasing them so they can deal with their own bad behavior. Hope this helps!
If you read the other threads you will probably realize she is narcistic and most likely you will not be able to change her -you may have to do what most of us who deal with a hurtful angery never happy always complaining always blaming other type of mother-detatch as much as you are able to do. Please tell us more but I bet I can peg her pretty well -I am sure you are not able to ever make her happy-it will drive you crazy trying to do so-please tell us more.
The one though, that really hurts. " That's why I always wished I had had a girl!, You just can't help me like a girl would!" Since I was a child, all I ever heard was. "I always hoped I would have a girl, but instead I got you!" Trust me, that hurts when you are an only child!
She was enabled all her life and as my brother would say, I have taken over the role. She is now 83 and extremely mean and hurtful with words. She has told me how bad a daughter I am, person, wife I was, a joke, stupid bitch, a slut in public....say no more. I have sacrificed my life to take care of her and recently lost my job to what I feel is stress related. Unfortunately she will not go to a nursing home, she is antisocial and has alienated herself. She can be so very nice and cheerful with others, and a totally different person around myself.
Her anger and bitterness and hurtful words are there every day of my life and I have been tolerating this situation for the last three years. I took personal time to be with her when she had operations, doctor appts., anytime she needed me I was there. She is so hateful and resentful towards me now and it is really difficult to understand and rise above. Particularly when she can be so nice with others.
The negativity is horrible, and each day I pray that it will get better. I am now 57 years of age and looking for work while tolerating this situation. I try to be happy and positive, but really inside I am a bundle of nerves ready to explode.
My grandmother who lived with us growing up (her mother) was a completely different person. My mother has had mental issues since I was born but not diagnosed until I was a teenager. She had been hospitalized at least a couple of times and apparently I was the one to blame. I have grown up with some kind of inborn guilt and have always felt responsible for other people, in particular my family.
There isn't easy solution to the situation and can only do the best possible. It would be nice to speak with a professional but it is so very difficult to get an appointment. So, sometimes it helps to vent with others who share the same problems and challenges, who understand the situation.
God bless all of the children of elderly parents who have taken them in to care for them, a very difficult selfless task, a thankless job, yet hopefully when the end does come have found some peace and acceptance in knowing they did all they were able to do to help. A leader leads by example.
...this after I'd spent almost 2 hours on it. I just got used to it a long time ago. They don't understand or know anything different other than negativity. She's been that way since she was a kid...it ain't going anywhere now. I would usually just say..well, thanks a lot, mom..I just spent 2 hours doing your hair exactly like you want it and don't even get a "thank you". THEN...she'd realize she didn't even say thanks and she would but it was kind of like pulling eye teeth. I walked away so many times. You HAVE to or it will drive you NUTTY...There is no changing them at this point in their lives.
No wonder it hurts -- nobody can hurt us quite like our mothers can.
There's a lot you can do to understand better what's going on, so you can understand that what she says and does is in fact not information about your worth as a human being. Taking what she says ABOUT or TO you as being meaningful information is one source of hurt. In fact, it's information about HER. There's even a website called