Caring for incontinent relative making me smell at work despite best hygenic efforts. Job in jeopardy. Any advice?

Where is your husband on all this? Is he helping at all?

You mention "our apartment" and "her house"...are you actually taking care of her in her house, or is she living with you in your apartment?

If she's living in her own house, I would stop cleaning and picking up immediately and hire a cleaning service from her funds. And do a thorough cleaning of all the carpets as well as laundry at your apartment. The smells are probably being tracked into the carpet and lingering.

Although it may seem cruel, if you are living together, I would consider moving MIL to someplace other than your apartment. You need to work, and need also need the rest at home as opposed to picking up after her.

From what you write, it's not just the odors, it's the slovenliness and apparent refusal to participate in her own upkeep. Has she always been like this?

I would start by banishing the pee pots, if she can make it to a pot she can make it to the toilet just as easily. And she needs to wear an incontinence pad or brief for the times she has no warning. This should be non negotiable!!!
How much urine can the woman produce that you are washing towels "literally soaked"? I assume this is probably from spilling the potties? I would not want to wash that with any of my own clothes, heck, I'm not sure I would even want that in my washer. At the very least pre soak the items in a bucket with borax as we used to do for washable diapers, and pour the dirty water down the toilet if you haven't got a laundry tub. You might want to use a washing machine cleaner on your washer to ensure it is completely clean.
Urinating everywhere without regard for cleanliness, her apathy and overall slovenliness are not normal behavior. Has she perhaps got dementia or mental health issues?

It's a mother daughter house. We have an apartment upstairs from her. Unfortunately she has so little in the way of funds that we're probably contributing what amounts to an average of $1,800 per month to keep up the bills. I have thought of a cleaning service, but wary. We had one through Catholic Health Services for a while but they were utterly useless. They even refused to wash dishes because the dish-drying rack was dirty.

A few years ago she had both a boiler man and a Verizon guy walk out on her before we were living there because it smelled. So I am scared I will not be able to get someone to actually do the job. Plus we're pvery strapped handling our affairs and hers.

Just last week I bought small garbage cans which I slapped down in every room and told her, and my hubby, that there will be NO MORE leaving garbage all over. NOw if I could only get them to put their plates in the sink...

He is very overweight, diabetic, and with back problems. So I get little help with hard cleaning, though he does cook and do dishes and drives me around since I am legally blind. (And working too! Was proud of myself. Now I don't even have that sense of professional pride anymore. )

I am going to vacuum everything again tonight, all rooms upstaird and down. That alone takes me hours because I have to pick up all the debris on the carpet before, and being nearsighted that means crawling over every inch of that carpet before even starting. I just don't have time for carpet cleaning! *sigh* I am overwhelmed and stressed sometimes. Sorry to rant.

Besides pouring huge sums of money into services, or quitting my job to stay home all day carpet cleaning, LOL, is there anything I can do to mitigate the odor for now?

Sorry about the typos. I guess you can tell I am stressed. I'm typing a mile a minute. :)

@ cwillie sorry, didn't see your post til now.

She can't make it to the toilet. We've tried. She just ends up peeing all the way down the hall to the toilet. Just MORE mess. I'd rather empty pots. LOL

We have bought diapers but there is a challenge. She's heavyset, and even the diapers that are her size do not really snug around her legs because of her stomach sticking out. So they leak. We'd need a new one every thirty minutes with her volume.

ANd the wet towels - they're the ones she uses by her bed because she leaks when she tries to sit up in the morning to pee. Her rug in front of her bed gets all mushy so she puts a towel down. This has been going on since she was forty. And to answer your other question, she is bi-polar so her emotions are not always stable.But no dimentia or anything like that.

Poet, being legally blind I suppose it is possible you could be stepping in things you wouldn't notice, so the idea of having a separate pair of shoes for work is a good one. If the smell in your MIL's apartment is bad enough to drive tradesmen away I'm afraid it may permeate the entire house, and your living in close proximity has made you "nose blind" to it. If that is the case you may be fighting a losing battle unless you can get your MIL and Husband to change their ways.
Try taking your work clothes to the laundromat or dry cleaners and keep them in plastic away from the rest of your things. Do you have any friends who would give you some honest feedback?

Now my blood is starting to boil....you're legally blind, your husband is overweight and has health issues, and if I read that section of your post correctly he's also responsible for being slovenly and leaving garbage "all over", and they're both so lazy they don't even put plates in the sink....but you're still cleaning up after his mother?

Does he work outside the home?

Honestly, I think you could do better without both of them, although that doesn't address the odor issue.

I suspect some of it comes from failure to bathe. Other than putting out coffee grounds, baking soda, charcoal and other odor absorbers, I don't have any suggestions. It seems you're trying your best and your husband and MIL aren't cooperating.

With garbage left out, multiple points of urine collection, this just seems to me like a pig pen. If you could at least make MIL use depends and get rid of the pots all around, that would be a start. But if she isn't going to cooperate, I don't see any chance of improving the situation. And I suspect her son picked up his bad habits from her.

Your job is more important to you than caring for someone who won't cooperate, and from what you've written, this has been the situation for some time.

PoetStorm, this sounds like you've got a much bigger problem than dealing with the odor. Are you and your husband in any way financially dependent on your mother? You mentioned that you are contributing to her bills but is she supporting you by you living in the apartment? I ask because to me it seems clear that she needs to be a nursing home with 24/7 support able to handle this level of incontinence, bladder issues, and mental issues combined. It's just not realistic for you or any one person to be expected to manage this. I realize the guilt of withdrawing your support when that means she can't live in her home anymore may be terrible, but otherwise you jeopardize your ability to support yourself and simply live remotely like a normal person. That's truly not fair to you and it's not fair of your husband to leave you in the position to make this sacrifice for his mother.

She's been incontinent since she was 40? Has she attempted to get treatment for the situation? I originally thought it was an age related issue but it sounds as if she has some medical issues as well.

I absolutely agree with Curtain. And there's another issue besides losing your job - your own health. It can't be doing you any good to be exposed to that kind of environment.

Maybe you could also keep febreeze in your car, or a nice spray from someplace like bath and body works.. and spray yourself down good before you go into work. And throughout the day. I also agree, keep clean shoes somewhere and don;t wear them in the house. I like the washer cleaner idea too. Good luck, no one likes to think they smell!

He works too, three 12 hour shifts straight. We're all a little bad about leaving dishes and glasses around, but I always clean up my own messes eventually. :)

We've talked to her about a home but she won't hear of it, and me and my hubby don't want to leave her there and bail. It's his mom.

We could save up and move out, at least after January when we get over the hump of property taxes. But it's so hard to just ditch her. And transportation for me is so prime here. I can't get to a laundromat at will if my hubby is busy so that's not going to work as a regular solution. It sucks not driving!

Yeah she tried a urologist, but he wasn't very helpful. Now she was told to try a gynecologist but she hasn't made the appointments and keeps saying she ants to wait til her diabetes is in better control, which it never will be.

I've let her bedroom get rather horrid because I've been busy and because she sleeps like 18 hours a day at times, which makes it hard for me to find time to get in there when she is not sleeping. Plus she is famous for saying "No do it later". But on my tight schedule, if I am ready to do a cleaning task right now, that is the only window you get.The rest of her part of the house is in fair condition, except for some clutter because all the papers. *sigh*.

So is moving the only option? Because it's not likely I can do that anytime soon, and by the time we could save up and move, I could have lost my job already. I am running out of time.

Maybe if I can make a point of emptying all the pee pots more timely? Like every few hours? I have been rather forceful on making her empty her own because she can. But maybe that is the wrong apprach because she lets them stew too long. Maybe carpet powder to help with odor? And I plan on buying seperate shoes. I'm desperate to find a middle ground here. I am also going to take some time off to really do a deep cleaning, but that needs to wait til after the 15th.

PoetStorm: wash your clothing separate from your MIL laundry and /or have dry cleaned. Or, do her wash, then clean, deodorize the washing machine tub by running a wash cycle (water only- no clothing, etc) with small amount of bleach or some other cleaner prior to washing your clothing. Shower & wash hair with a fragrant soap/shampoo every morning before work. Also, you should very seriously consider a NH for MIL. She may qualify for Medicaid.

You will never get the carpet and underpad clean, even with a deep cleaning, certainly not if this has been going on since she was in her 40's. In all probability it has soaked through to the floors underneath and the odor will be impossible to eliminate (just ask someone who has bought a home after an irresponsible pet owner). I would remove the carpet completely if possible. Even a painted plywood floor would be an improvement and easier to mop up.
I had an old bachelor uncle once whose home was permeated with an unpleasant odor, papers I had to save after he passed on still had a tell tale fragrance years later.

"No do it later"....your response: "No, I'm cleaning right now, you can rest on the sofa until I'm done". It's time that you start calling the shots.

Some things aren't making sense here...

Your husband works 3 12 hour shifts straight...are you saying he works 36 hours in a row? I don't think that's possible unless he's a Navy Seal, Force Recon Marine, Green Beret....and especially since he's overweight. I must be misunderstanding your intent.

You also suggested emptying the pots every 2 hours. How can you do this if you're working?

Poet, this now warrants immediate action since your boss has already called you in. Have you contacted social services? Area on Aging? I'm wondering if You can't get some help being legally blind, even in the way of funds to hire in home care and cleaning. On a practical level, consider using plastic ware so you don't have to do so many dishes maybe one pot meals, crock pot meals or even taken out maybe once or twice a week.

You will need to keep your clothes separate like others have said using a heavy garment bag. If you have a space at work maybe even take some there if they can be secured. The thing is that pee smell and vapors can get baked into your skin long after you're away from it. And you're in daily contact with it to a great degree so I can only imagine how bad it could be. You may need to soak in the tub with bath/epson salts and other aromatherapy type stuff to help get it out. Showers help but you may need a deeper soaking regularly.

And yes wear different gear when caring for her, certainly nothing you're wearing to work. Consider getting disposable shoe and boot covers, protective clothing, including gloves, hair net and face mask when you're with her cleaning up. I'm totally serious. Check out uline-dot-com or use google search. Try not to have any contact with her or go to her apartment before you go to work. At this point this is necessary to save yourself. I'm so sorry, wow it's just a horrible situation.

Poetstorm, the reason I mentioned moving out was because you probably won't be able to take the stand you need to take...call the shots...set the boundaries...all that hard but important stuff if she has any leverage over you. Emotionally she has plenty. And I'm not speaking from superiority here, I'm in a hard situation myself with these issues with my own mom though the spin is different.

You've got some great suggestions about the smell already, I just thought of one other angle - is it possible this awful smell has reached into YOUR apartment since it is all the same building? If it might be present but you've gone noseblind to it. Sometimes I smell smells from neighboring apartments - the construction can allow that to happen sometimes. Is there anyone you can trust, not your husband, who could come sniff and tell you?

Poet, there is something else to consider. What if the body odor is coming from you? There are certain conditions that can give a dead animal smell to people. These include certain bacteria in the stomach and gut or sensitivity to dairy products. Some people's odor improves by leaving off the dairy products. Others improve by taking antibiotics for the bacteria if it is present. I mention this, because you could go through all the cleaning and handling of clothes and not find the solution to the odor if it is coming through your skin.

Could you enlist the help of an honest friend who doesn't mind telling you if you smell. You could try clothes cleaning, etc, first. Then you could try leaving off dairy. If despite all efforts, the dead animal smell stays with you, check with your doctor to make sure you don't have the bacteria in your gut. (I've heard some fungi can also give a smell.)

I hope the clothes washing works. My mother has accidents quite often. I never wash my clothes with hers. It's not as much the smell as the psychology of it. So far no one has told me I smelled... but who knows? Maybe they're just being nice. I am glad your boss came to you so you can address the problem.

Thanks for all the advice. I did consider quite a few things including it being me. But my diet hasn't really changed much in so many years, why now suddenly? However, I have also been living with my mother in law for five years and the smell problem is only now surfacing. So I'm just so stymied as to what is going on.

I think one of my biggest issues is the livingroom carpet. I just vacuumed and while on my hands and knees near her chair, I did catch a sort of dead animal smell. So I know for sure I need to get the carpet cleaned to start. And I need to get the upholstery on that chair cleaned too, maybe with some carbona. I hadn't realized how bad that smelled til now! Wow.

My plan beyond that now is going to be to try to tackle her disaster bedroom one more time and try to put at least a few plans in place to keep it from getting bad again including buying a runner for the carpet so all I need to do is mop if she misses. If I can get the entire house deep cleaned from top to bottom this once and plead with both of them to respect my work and keep it this way, maybe this can work. If not, I will have ammunition to insist we make different arrangements.

I am also going to look for a washing machine cleaner. Thanks for that! I didn't know it existed. I never put our loads together, but I still think the wash is contaminated. Unfortunately I don't have routine transport to a laundromat so this is the next best thing. Don't have garment bags yet but I'll look into it. In the meanwhile I have bought a bunch of car air fresheners and some febreeze.

It's possible my apartment smells a bit too with trackng it upstairs. My father is coming tomorrow. I will ask him to give me his opinion. Thanks everyone!

Of course tonight, her toilet HAD to get stopped up so bad a snake didn't fix it this time..and our dryer broke today. :P Never ends! LOL

Curtain makes a good point about the smells emanating up into your apartment. The odors could easily be coming through the ductwork, and in face be embedded on the interiors of the furnace ducts. Unless you've got separate furnaces for the first and second floors, that transmission of odor is a legitimate possibility.

IF your blind and your husband does cooking why can't he clean up after his mother while your at work? What about the Health Dept? Your lucky that someone hasn't called them yet. Your health is important. For who is going to take care of you when your down? Certainly not them. They can't take care of themselves. As far as your cleaning -Do your windows open also get rid of carpet. Linoleum or vinyl flooring are easy to clean. You say Catholic Church came and did nothing- Probably no one there to keep them on the ball.But then again were they there to just look and see. Sounds like they did not want to get their hands dirty. Try a real cleaning com.But think about getting rid of carpet even up north they have no carpet..

Once the boss calls you in about your odor, its a very short time (days not weeks) till you will be let go unless you smell perfectly clean. People don't tell people about smells until its very far down the road, they avoid doing it. Covering the smell on you up with perfume won't prevent being fired, so you have an emergency priority on your hands. Every single work day this means a 100% clean body right before work, hair, mouth and 100% fresh clean clothing...every single item. Yes shoes only for work , work clothing in its own drawer and clean from top to bottom every time. This means only washable items for your work clothing. Don't wear anything twice. If you can't go perfect with no smell contamination you are going to be fired. No kidding. None of the rest of it is as high a priority right now. This bad recommendation about odor and hygeine would follow you. Doesn't matter why it happened, you have to stop it immediately. Think of it as living in a hazmat area and having to decontaminate when you go out into the world to be with other people.

I don't understand why you are willing to continue living in such filthy squalor, to take care of your MIL. You will never rid yourself of that odor if you continue to live on that environment. Those types of odor permeates the air in the home and everything and everyone in it. It is hard to believe some people are willing to live in such deplorable conditions and do nothing about it because of laziness.

This is clearly a boundaries issue. I've been wrestling with a similar issue, though it isn't with smell. It can be hard for people, particularly women, to realize that they deserve better. Poet, this situation is harming you. You have every right to express what you need and what you want. You don't deserve to be treated like you don't matter. You're working and helping pay the household expenses. You have every right to have the place cleaned and to go to work free of odor. It sounds like you need a drill sergeant in the house to whip everyone in shape.

Be sure you are washing your hair before work. Odors can most definitely linger.

There is something else going on here, though. I know that because my fiance's brother Phil is a hoarder. Much worse, I can tell, than your MIL. And his dog's messes are left all over his house. His siblings just spent WEEKS cleaning out his home. They had to wear masks with eucalyptus oil to tolerate the stench in the house.

The stench was in the rugs...they ripped them out and threw them away. In his mattress. His pillows. Any upholstered furniture. It was allll thrown away. A new Plether recliner replaced the couch and chair. A new mattress and springs were protected by a vinyl bedpad. Pillows were put in protective plastic zippered cases and THEN a pillowcase.

Phil lived in that God-awful stench. You would have never known that. He had no personal odor outside his home. His clothing didn't smell. He was neat as a pin.

My fiancé wore the same clothing every time he went to his brother's house. He threw them right into the washer when he got home. Socks, undewear, everything. He wore vinyl gloves you can buy for $8 a box of a few hundred at a pharmacy. He left his shoes in the garage...an old pair he eventually threw away.

You are trying to do too much. My God, you have enough on your plate, my friend. I hope I can teach you a very important lesson. Here it is: If it is your responsibility to keep your MILs home clean, then the authority to manage it YOUR WAY must be yours as well.

Get a handyman to help you and strip her home of all rugs, carpeting, upholstery, draperies, EVERYTHING "material" in her apartment. Order a dumpster or call 1-800-JUNK to get rid of it. Spend her money on the bare essentials...an air mattress on the bed frame, one leather-like chair. Every single"material" thing protected from urine.

You don't mention pets. If she has any, find them homes. They are Irving in h*ll.

Your MILis mentally ill. If your OWN home is a disaster, then do is your husband. IF YOU DONT TACKLE THIS PROBLEM QUICKLY, zYou will lose your job. And likely the health dept or adult protective services will get involved and tackle it for you.

In fact, if you don't get cooperation and support from your husband, then he is mentally ill himself AND using you. I'd make the call to Adult Protective Services myself -- anonymously.

You're too close to this situation. It is not normal.

The dead animal smell is probably rot. God knows where it's coming from. But if the carpets have been being peed on regularly over years… the thought of what you could easily be missing while you're crawling around on your hands and needs makes me want to pass out.

As soon as funds allow, find a deep cleaning company in your area - pest control companies might be able to help, too - and get somebody in to go round the house with you and identify the key issues.

Meanwhile call on support groups in your area to come in and help you find out what is causing the odours to cling to you, your clothes, your living environment. Holding down a job and getting yourself in order every day are a credit to anyone who's living with a severe visual difficulty; it's just too much if all of your hard work is undermined. You deserve help, so ask for it.

And, by the way, I would have very little patience with commercial or professional cleaners who turn tail or down tools when it comes to dealing with a difficult situation. That's what they're *for*, for heaven's sake - what's the point of cleaners who only clean clean houses? Keep searching until you find less precious individuals.

hands and needs??? hands and knees, of course.

Please, please, please forgive me for the following analogies. It's not my intention to offend anyone in this forum.

While reading your post I kept thinking of a dog marking territory. Then a house full of cats peeing and taking dumps at leisure. All those latrine smells stick to your clothes; particularly when there isn't much ventilation. That carpet has to go. And she has to be re-potty trained.

She's winning this battle of wills. Look for someone else to clean up before you lose your job.

I'm going to throw out some ideas from a different perspective.

Is it possible that some of the odor is not from you personally but somehow connected to your work station?

It wouldn't hurt to consult your doctor and have a check up including blood work, strange body odor can be a sign of health problems.