Follow
Share

I am caring for an elderly friend. She is 77 and I am 60.
I retire next year. My friend has no one else. Her husband died a year and a half ago and they had no children and she has no siblings. Her health is not good . She is on oxygen and walks with a walker. Up until this past week she still worked part time but she can't anymore. Her oxygen level is so low that her doctor wanted her to go to the hospital and she won't go. Her total income is 1500 a month since she is not working. Her apt costs 750 a month plus electricity. I found a senior living facility that would cost her 400 a month and that includes her electricity. She won't move.
She always reminds me that I am all she has. I have a husband who is already retired and two grown sons who are staying with us temporarily . She can't live with us. My folks live 5 hours away from us. Mom Is 87 and Dad is 90. They are doing great! Live in their own home and have enough money to go to assisted Living if they need to in the future. They want me to visit more when I retire. This is why I want my friend to be in a safe facility instead of alone in an apt. I have her power of attorney and am beneficiary on her life insurance policy which is enough to bury or cremate her and have a little left over. And that is fine. She has around 10,000 in savings which she will need to supplement her rent now that she is not working . I just worry about what will happen to when her money runs out?
Any ideas to get her to move to the cheaper senior apt? She still has to get on the list for the senior apt

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Oregongirl...people abuse people that are close to them because there is no one else around to abuse! you should be asking yourself...why do you put up with his abuse??? regardless of whether he's old and sick...let him know you won't put up with it or you will leave him. if he doesn't believe you because you have put up with it for so long...leave for a few days...and then see how he behaves towards you!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thanking everyone for their insightful answers. I
did go look at one of the senior living facilities and
she qualifies for a subsidy. That would make her rent
450 and that includes electricity. It was senior
living not assisted . And it was a nice place with
lots of activities. But she refuses to move anywhere.
She cries when I suggest it. I'm am going to have to
have a heart to heart talk with her .
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Well, I am more than a caregiver, I am his Partner and I love him dearly. His children are worthless. One lives in Germany and the other two just don't care. I did not understood and at first thought it might be the "father". But, I have gotten to know them more over the years and they are simply selfish. I guess there are a lot of selfish people in the world. I agree, time away might make him appreciate me. A while back, I was going to go visit my kids. He was very upset and sad. He was not loudly upset, just sad...I cancelled my trip and now plan on going sometime this summer anyway. I will have to hire a caregiver in my absence. It does hurt me the way he behaves, but I must remember, he is ill and I cannot expect him to understand everything he is going through. I will pray that God grants me the ability to love him and not get upset. I have no other choice.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

When my Aunt had a head injuryfrom a car accident, she would take her frustrations out on my Mom, her sister.The doctor told my Mom the loved one always gets the brunt of it because the patient knows they can get away with it. Maybe when he gets this way u should tell him you know he is hurting but he is hurting you and that is not fair. If he doesn't have Dementia and continues then its abuse and maybe u should give him an ultimatim. Either treat u kinder or ur living. Does he have children? Inform them so they will be ready to take over. Other than loving this person you are under no obligation to take care of him. Maybe some time away will make him appreciate what he has.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Sometimes certain things cause me to ask - Why am I doing this? My partner has a loving way, but he can be SO mean at times. I know this is the illness, but I feel like hell when I get yelled at, especially for all the care I am giving. I start feeling sorry for myself. He asked me to do this care, before he became ill. He was so afraid of being left alone. I had NO experience with care other than taking care of my husband for about two months when he was near death. He never got angry at me. But, maybe given time, he would have also. Why do they get mean? Why do they yell at the one person who is there for them? I just let him go on as if I said what I was feeling, I would be packing my bags. Then just as quick as he got angry he is wanting a kiss. It is very close to abuse, isn't it? But, this behavior is not intentional...
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

After everything you wrote...you don't want her there...move her out!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

AND, I would like to add, everyone should stay at an Independent Living place for a couple of months just to find out how fast your rights drift away. You live under their rules...They smile and talk nice, but the bottom line is their profit. The place we stayed in was Top of the Line and I hated it. Meals when they schedule them, not when I am hungry. However we did have a full kitchen so I could have cooked. But who turns down meals that are cooked for you. I would rather live in a tent than to live in any Independent Living facility EVER.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Its your life. As much as I complain at times, I realize that care giving is MY choice. I could walk away but I have to think of the consequences. If this starts to interfere much more with my seeing my children, I am going to suggest that we sell and move closer to my children. $10,000 is peanuts and will not go far at all. When we had a fire, we stayed at an Independent Living facility. Our insurance paid for 5 months. When it came to us to pay until our home was finished, we realized how fast our savings was being tapped. It is a minimum of $4000.00 a month, so you can figure how long her savings will last. Then if the place has a room for State patient, she can stay, otherwise, they will move her to another place. You cannot get back the years we are giving now..
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Sorry, posted too early

Once she is in nursing care, u can visit and do what u can or her financially. I think it was said that oncehe is on Medicaid the home can be made payee or her SS. Then u don't have to worry about that.

I do feel for you. I wouldn't want this responsibility and decision. I hope we all learn from the experences we read on this site. We have to plan ahead and not put the burden on our children or other relatives. We need to take care of ourselves.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If her oxygen level is so low she will end up in the hospital. I think when oxygen levels are this low, too much carbon dioxide is in ur system and u slowly suffocate. If she ends up in the hospital, this is the time for the drs to intervene. They need to be told she has no one to take care of her. They can have her put into a NH. No, she won't like it but she will be safe and taken care of. You can use her POA to use any assets for her care. MPOA will give u the ability to talk to her Drs and Nurses.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Boy, do I feel for you and can understand. Started helping my GFs mother get to appointments or her and her husband. GF was wheelchair bound. Her husband had to go back to work to pay healthcare bills. So,DH started driving her van to take her to appts. Then GF added her daughter to us. Tried to add another daughter (who has friends) and I put my foot down. There is some drama with this daughter and I didn't want to be involved. (she is bipolar) The mother wasn't bad but GF got to the point she didn't ask f we were available she just called and said "I have an appt this day". Sometime making it on a day we had already told her DH couldn't drive. I worked a pt job, week on week off. It got to the point my week off I was taking someone somewhere. It got overwhelming when it started being 3 out of 5 days. I had my Mom and nephew I did for too. Another friend I know could get this way but I don't get too involved. I let those who already helpdo for her. Plus, now with GS(been watching since 2013) and Mom I've had enough on my plate. So, Mrs S and daughter had to find alternatives.

Its nice u care for this woman but u have ur own family. I'm to the point I point u in the right direction and its up to u to carry thru. Sometimes u do too much for people and they forget how to do for themselves.
Before you talk to her call the office of Aging and run her problem by her. They may have services who can help. You may want to talk to the lawyer to see about him taking over her POA and insurance. He then would be looking out for her. Me personally wouldn't hold POA for anyone but family. When u get all ur ducks in a row, then sit downand explain to her what you've said here. You never know what life is going to dish out. You need to enjoy your family, parents and retirement. The women has to realize her life is not going to get better. Up now she is lucky to have u as a friend but changes now have to be made.

Good luck
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I understand your dilemma - can easily get punished for being generous - that happened to me, when I helped my disabled brother (when rest of siblings did not).

I have a hopeful idea. That senior housing for $400. Have you visited it? Is it nice? YOU look first, look at some options that might suit your friend. Then, insist that she take time to EXPLORE the option - no committments. But you can tell her you will need a vacation or you could get sick, and you love helping her, but you cannot do all of her care - and that you want her to go, with you, to the facility and visit. Go and hang out with her there. When you leave, just say, "it's an option". Don't make her decide. You can discuss it, pros and answer any cons, but again, don't lead her to decide yet. Get her to go back for another visit with you. I find that almost all elders refuse any change, if asked ahead of time. To them, change means uncertainty, feeling lost, feeling alone with that feeling - so it really matters to persuade her to visit, using whatever persuasion you can muster. AFTER two visits, if you think the place is a good option, just talk up the good points, and talk with the facility about a month trial - not one where you come home on weekends. After all the talking and considering it will be easier for you to persuade her to give it a real try, and tell her you will stand behind her if she doesn't want to stay. If they don't have enough activities, you can make plans to add one regular one, or a regular helper.

This transition phase is challenging, but it is so worth it, to look closely and let her have a real chance to try it - after 3 weeks. My disabled brother has great nursing home, where he can walk outdoors with his walker to nearby church. I went through a transition set of observations and trial with him - he does well and has been there 7 years by now - he moved in at 56, due to balance issues.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My husband and I are in the same boat. 87 year old neighbor. Husband died, no children and three nephews one of which she detests the other two live five hours away and she is not close to either in a relationship. We became involved 18 months ago. Her health is OK but she lives on cokes, cookies, Boost and a bottle of Cream Sherry every three days. Rarely cooks for herself. I tired cooking but she hardly ever ate what I fixed. And I cooked what she likes. She has two cats that have been her family members so finding a place for her to live has been difficult. Not to say she would move because she cannot understand why she must. The home she lives in is her nephews, and which she has a life estate. She has $1,300 is SS. Did sell some property and has about $60,000 in a safe because of a hugh card debt. My husband has her POA. I take care of the kitties, one who has a thyroid condition and has to be medicated every other day. Clean her house, wash her clothes, buy her groceries, take her to hair appt. every two weeks. We live in Wisconsin where the winters are not so nice and my husband snow lows her very long driveway and I shovel her deck so she can feed the birds and deer. The furnace is on it last leg and a new one is very expensive. We live 34 miles from the largest town that has elderly care services. A 68 mile round trip that no one wants to make to care for her. We know, we have tried to find someone. No other neighbors wants to help. She is very stubborn, very selfish and is very self centered. We have found a couple of places we feel are very nice for her, she can take her cats. And can afford for at least two to three years. She has refused to go. We are really between a rock and a hot place. We feel trapped and do not see this ending until her life ends. I feel her dilemma and certainly understand your situation.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Perhaps you can help your firend get enrolled in EVERY available low income program. FL - LIHEAP helps with utilitiy costs. Myfoloridarx can help with prescription meds. etc. Call the county office of aging to find what is available near you. Perhaps there is a food pantry that can help provide some non perishable groceries. But,perhaps the best thing you can do is to have an honest heart to heart talk. Explain that you will be retiring soon and at that time you will be traveling more often. Show her the incomes and outflows. $10,000 won't get her very far, hence my suggestions to sign her up for all available assistance. I would explain that you are concerned for her future and that when her money runs out, the only alternative you can think of would be for her to blive in a nursing home. Take her on a field trip to visit the lower costs apartments AND the nursing home. Perhaps that will motivate her to move. GOOD luck. I did help a friend (now gone) through a terrible illness. It lasted 7 years but she fortunately still had some money left over when she passed.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You have your parents who should come first. Tell your friend that you will help her but she must help herself too by moving into the assisted liviing place. It may be one of the hardest things you ever have to do but your parents are not going to be around forever and you will regret it if you don't give them the time you feel you should. And it is unlikely that both parents will die at the same time which means one is going to be left needing you even more. And somewhere in there you have to fit your husband in. He didn't sign on to take care of this friend. It may sound hard hearted but you do have to think of yourself first.That's just my opinion of the situation. I am sure there are other opinions that will differ from mine. Good luck with what ever you decide to do.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Power of attorney does not enble you to force her to move. She is probably hoping to die rather than move. All you can do is take some from savings when necessary. Cash in the Life Insurance if you need to. If you have to leave town, you ask Social Services to check on her. I don't think she wants to move in with you either.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.