Reality: My father-in-law is extremly unhygenic, rude and nearly impossible to spend any time with. He chews and spits tobacco, hacks and coughs all day due to copd ( in final stages ) and has some obsessive issues. He disregards anything his doctors tell him and lies all the time. The most simple task that I do for him turns into an arguement.
My husband and I finally convinced him to hire an aid to come in once a week ( he will not pay for more ) to wash him. He refuses to get in the shower or bath, so any attempt at getting him washed is done by the sink only. The aid told me that he was the nastiest person she had ever cleaned. He only agreed to do this because I was getting ready to leave the home for good!
My husband promised me that when the time comes, he will be placed in a nursing home, which I see very soon. We have medical power of attorney and just enough money to pay for this. The signs we both agreed on was when he could no longer use the bathroom and or was falling. I have made it very well known to my father-in-law, that I could not provide that type of care when needed. He has refused a lifeline alarm, because he is worried that we may leave the house for a few hours. I really think he gets some kind of pleasure out of me worrying about him.
He refused Hospice, because he still wants to continue to see his doctors. we all feel he is in a lot of denial about his disease. He is also an alcoholic, so I do not see him being around much longer.
I am getting sick on a daily basis, due to his deplorable lack of hygiene. I feel guilty because I do not spend any time with him other than preparing his meals, paying his bills or cleaning. I live in the other half of the house and my husband and I have our own bath and some privacy. No other family members ever visit him except my stepson.
It is difficult to tell when my father-in-law is using his illness to manipulate me or if he is really feeling bad. I know that he is exhausted due to his disease and weak, but I was told by his care team to encourage him to do as much as he can on his own. As bad as he says he feels all day, he always manages to get up at 5pm and start drinking.
How do I deal with the guilt I feel for essentailly, emotionally abandoning him? I don't ever say anything to him unless he asks me a question ( to which I must always agree ) because we just end up in spats. I am really a very paitent person, but how much of this can a person take? What can I do about throwing up all the time? I look terrible and I think I am depressed ( I am seeing a therapist soon). I have told my husband my honest feelings and even he cannot spend much time with his dad. It's really sad.
What can I do? Thanks.....