How can I handle taking care of my husband having a stroke at 49 with raising 3 young children?

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Raising 3 children, let alone making sure I have the finances. and caring for my spouse is tough..... I have to manage my spouses finances which is only social security and then raising 3 children and all the work entailed of houskeeping is
tough, I feel used up, I feel taken for granted and I feel like Im everyone's slave
and my dreams and concerns for myself are the last thing to consider. Im tired and I want to be considered and Im not. My children now are 17, 20 and 22 its about time they cleaned up after themselves and had chores and had a consciousenous mind to clean up after themselves and maybe make dinner while I take care of "DAD" and pursure our own endeavorments!! Im physically tired, I clean up after them all on top of caring for my spouse , I have a bad back and Im just tired!!! What do I do...I've tried to implicate a schedule but they still don't follow it...its ridiculous... I can comment that no one is willng to cook dinner so no one is gonna eat, but I get very pissed off that I have to say this and then everyone squanders for dinner, belive me they don't squander to bad there is alot of food in the friguator....I just would like if someone would take the responsibility so I don't have to worry about it........but no one plans.....they are all last minute and it drives me crazy... and when I get mad, which is obvious, but no one will take the time to speak to me. they just scatter and go slowly with the flow, which I mean, they hang out and make sure my spouse has something to drink or eat and then they watch tv, play computer or games and hang out, but by no means to they come to me in my room to talk to me. I have "Literally" stared at my bedroom wall for 3 to 5 hours awaiting for someone to come in and pay attention to me, but nobody comes, they wait till the endof the night at mavbe 10pm (this started at 10am) and ask how Im doing, ... which is bullshit to me... Tell me what and I suppose to do They are all (my family) dysfunckionaland I get screwed in the long run, Ive spoken to them about it and they just don't change............what Ive done recently which is tonite is that they have all my responsibilities or you could call them my "chores" and they are gonna walk in my shoes so to speak so that they can discern what is going on....I don't know how long it will take, but there gonna do it....... Its tough for me cause Im a giver, but Im going to care for my hubby, while they do everything else , which include balanceing my checking account, paying bills, buyng grocieres and planning and organizing their eduacation and then lets see..... why I have all the outrages I have.......they are gonna walk in my shoes and I hope that they will figure that all 3 of them can't do my job, Im a one women show, and they are 3.........I hope God will show them, why Im so stressed. I will tell you Ive been in a place where I just want to commit sucide and just get it over with, I fell like Im a slave to my family "literally" . their actions when I share my feelings is like they don't care..........is ridiculous, I know they can grow but come on..if im ready to take my life they shud be more serious that i fell this way and they don't.

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7day, how bad is your husband? Can he still communicate with you? I'm wondering what he says about his ungrateful children. Unfortunately, it sounds like your kids are spoiled, because you have done for them what they should've been doing for themselves, which is a trap we parents fall into I'm afraid. Of course we parents want to give them things that we never had as kids, but then we end up crippling them for the real world. Now you're expecting them to do things that they haven't had to do before, so it'll be tough getting that started. Maybe it's time to sit the family down and have an honest conversation with them. First thing, I would apologize to them for not expecting them to be more responsible until you NEEDED them to be, now you all are suffering the consequences. That didn't help them, and it sure isn't helping you at this point. Two of the 3 kids are adults and should be able to help you brainstorm how to make this work for the whole family. Tell them you HATE yelling at them and don't want to treat them like babies, so you are going to need their help. I see no reason to be hysterical or angry and accusing, just be honest. And please do not wait for any kid to come talk to you about how YOU'RE FEELING! Kids no matter how old, are pretty self-centered so that's not gonna happen. Sorry.
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First of this may sound harsh and ur children are old enough to know the difference. The oldest ones that are 20 and 22 need to move out and live on their own. Tell them to go elsewhere and literally shut the door in their faces. The 17 yr is still in HS I assume so make he/she work their ass off doing the chores so you can have a drink and relax. Second Put ur foot down hard and up their selfish asses...this is their father and he may not be dying as of yet but that doesn't mean they can walk around you and expect life to be normal again. I am younger than you and my husband is almost 47 and and I am almost 34 yrs. I am a mother of 2 and a paid caregiver.
3rd of all, ask for respite care...cuz u need a break and ask ur church for help..talk about long term care if he needs it. If you do not want to it then they will send you a caregiver that u can interview until ur comfortable with the right one . You are dealing with hardship with the severity of ur husband's stroke and then 3 grown children that feel that they are entitled. You can apply for food stamps and tanf also in ur state. Check around there are resources but i say except for the 17 yr old kick 20 and 22 out tell them to get off their lazy asses if they hate u for it ...then continue to love them....they either help you or they go. Ill be praying for u ...you can do it ...it will be tough as hell but it needs to be done. And cut off their means of luxury like their high prices games and fancy cell phones etc. They are doing this cuz they know u are in real vulernable situation and TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU. Ur family is not pulling together as it should and ur are bearing the heavy price of it all. Get therapy for urself so u can vent to someone who is not a family member.. Getting anger does help but I can tell ya PUT UR FOOT DOWN NO MORE NICE MOMMA DO IT U RAISED NOW SHOW THEM UR DONE PLAYING THEIR GAMES.
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Hi 7 days - I'm with you all the way on this one. Good luck with your plan and stick to your guns. You NEED AND DESERVE THIS HELP!!! I pray it works out for you - you deservie it. Bless you and keep us posted. Take care of Youuuuuu.
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IHi all, thank you so much for your comments I really appreciate it, I feel a whole lot better today (I think if was because I vented and yelled the crap out of everyone) and this is not the first time. In the past I've made a chore list and after a week they don't follow it or I have to remind them, which is back to where I started. I've had family discussions. Bottom line is thier all imature in the area of helping me the way I want, If I ask them to help they do it, but this means I have to order them around on a daily basis, its ridiculous. So what I've done is told them from now on their going to do what I've been doing which is mostly everything and when their done walking in my shoes for the month, we will see what they have to say. I told them their just going to get a hint what I do because its going to take the 3 of them to do what I do as one! I told them they will have to grocery shop, plan meals, feed dogs, clean house, pay bills and that I will take care of their dad but that is it!! I would provide the income for them but they will take charge and the will have a budget. My daughter who is the only one who drives made a funny comment which was "oh great, Im going to have to delegate, because my brothers are stupid and lazy) and I told her that when I use to work I came home and then took care of everyone on top of a already fool day and she said thats why she is not having kids for a loooong time and I said then you will have to do it out of love. It will be interesting to watch them scramble and to see where there intellect is, because know it won't be perfect, but I can teach them as they do stuff. Please Prayer for me to stick to my guns and show them tough love because it is very hard to do it, but I know it has to be done....my health will suffer if I don't. and again Thank you! so much for your comments I deeply appreciate them and love this forum because Im always at home and don't speak to anyone so much anymore.
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My heart goes out to you and I know you are at the end of your rope. Hugs and hugs to you and I wish I had the perfect answer. I have kids similar in age, but don't have the care of my husband on top of that, and at such a young age. When we do too much for our children, they often take advantage of this and it is totally unfair, especially as they age. When they become egocentric, they only think of themselves.

I think some form of tough love is the answer. And this for you is difficult as you are just exhausted, so trying to figure out how to get them to help feels like one more thing you and only you have to figure out. But it shouldn't be just you to figure it out. Just thinking about it is tiring. How about a family meeting and you express your concerns and feelings. Lay your cards on the table. Maybe ask them to come up with a schedule of chores they must all take part in. I'm in the midst of trying to accomplish this myself with my three. Fortunately, my oldest "gets it" and helps so much; but she starts to become resentful of the other two and I understand this. I was never one much for family meetings, but they can be beneficial.

YOU NEED A BREAK!!!! You need to do something for yourself. You are a wonderful mother and wife. It's good you vented on this forum. I'm hoping and praying you can resolve this with your children. Blessings to you.
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You almost answered your own question and I will tell you, many of us have been there. I say, at their ages (other than the 17 yr old) that it should be either put up or shut up. Tough love hon. Who told you that it's YOUR job to take care of complete adults who are able to take care of themselves? You have no obligation and if they don't like your rules, get out! They will be angry with you, but not for long. Eventually, as they grow, they will see that it was for their own good. I certainly wouldn't buy extra food for the older ones. Let them see what it's like to have to do for themselves and provide for themselves. If in college, then I know you want them to be able to live but...what about living on campus and them taking a student loan to make that happen? You cannot be all things to all people. Hugs.
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