Thank you for beginning this thread. How about OCPD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, NPD, etc., alcohol and drug addictions, and now Alzheimer's and Lewy Bodies Dementia. That's two. Another parent has Vascular Dementia. We're in the thick of things, and have been since childhood.
Oh I have a mother with NPD.... shared my stories all over these boards. Having an elderly NPD parent is extremely difficult. You do your best and sometimes you can go to the top of the mountain fighting, but sometimes it doesn't make a bit of difference.
It not so much about winning, loosing or getting them to change. It becomes more how to protect ourselves with boundaries and not personalize their issues which have been so abusive since childhood. I don't think anyone should put down any adult child of a parent with a pesonality disoder that just frankly finds it beyond them to do much or anything at all. I think people like neonwocky are a miracle when you think of all she's been through. I know that it's different for those who grew up with such parents like my wife and her sister did, but mine were never that far out abd frankly I've never met such a man hating woman who talks equality but can only relate with males that she can control and enslave as if they were little boys. Anyone with good inlaws should thank God for them every day. The rest of us know where the inlaw jokes come from. For several years I was just too nice a person and too good of a Christian with that borderline queen/which until I'd had enough and put my foot down about her involvement in our lives, in our trips going on vacations and in our house. After 10 years, I kicked the b___ out. I am sorry for whatever her brothers did to her, but she does not have to hate all men for her entire life because of it.
Crowemagnum you are exactly right and what makes it especially difficult is when those personality types become seniors. It makes it so hard, and that is why I get so tired of those who say I owe my parents because they raised me, etc. My dad was a dad to me. He ran interference and he took a lot of it away from me. But when he had his stroke, and Alzheimer's kicked in.... he can't defend himself anymore. Mom took control even more so. The AL staff even tries to get dad to do activities or separate the too, but mom thinks for him, barks orders at him and is just miserable.
I learned boundaries at 40 years of age. It is not easy, but it is necessary in order to keep our sanity. Crowe, one statement that caught my attention, that being too nice a person and too good a Christian.... I will tell you this, Christianity is NOT for wimps!! It is tough to set boundaries out of love and it is tough to sometimes say no when you know its for a person's well being and your own health. I've been called many things and expletives for putting boundaries in place in my life, but I would not trade them for the world.
I'm sorry to hear about you having to throw her out. That honestly breaks my heart that someone has to go to that extreme and lose out. As a Christian, once you get past the anger, you need to pray for her. She needs help and it won't be from you it will come straight from God.
With my deepest prayers and heartfelt sympathies.... just go before God and guard your own heart at this point.
Thank you for your supportive words. I was 45 when I first began to learn about boundaries for I was at the end of my rope both personally and professionally and wanted my life back but could not even define that if that makes any sense at all.
In terms of kicking the queen/witch out, it was more out of visiting us in our house or going with us on vacations, forging my wife's name on CD to launder her money so we would have to pay taxes on it which she would give us money for.
To get my point accross to my wife who did not keep with our agreed upon boundaries concerning her mother, I had to leave my house with the boys for three nights and days as a consequnce for that boundary being broken. It only got broken one more time, but for things started to change for the better. As my therapist told me, when a man leaves his home with his children it is a more powerful statement than when a woman leaves because men tend not to be willing to leave their stuff etc. I don't know about that because I've often felt like I've been both dad and mom to these boys as well as sometime the dad my wife never had and sometimes a complete role reversal as if I was the wife. I know what that sounds like but it's the truth and people like my sister in law and close friends have made the same observations.
I guess that I should of said that I was being too good of a Southern Gentleman and from what I've seen in churches there are plenty of good Christian wimps and wimpers who will not stand up to dominating mean people who want to run the show and control with their money or their personality or both.
I never learned boundaries earlier or tend to my own needs for my single parent mother was very intrusive into my life and met her own emotional needs through me instead of meeting my emotional needs which she admited to later in 1986.
She told me that she knew that the way she raised me "my dad called it a pink pillow" would cause me a lot of pain in life but that she could not help it. She also tried very hard but unsuccessfully to keep my dad out of my life and constantly ran him down. He's not perfect but he's been the better of the two.
I am glad you had a good dad and sorry that you lost his protection. Sad to say but my father in law was not able to protect his twin girls, but he did raise one more than the other and she is much more like him.
I think that at this point my 78 year old m-n-l is beyond prayer, even prayer and fasting for as much as we would love to see a miracle take place in these people with a personaility disorder unless they get therapy, right meds and work hard for years like my wife has then nothing is going to change. So instead of being focused so much on her and her illness or even my wife illnesses, I focus more on my own health and the boys to the extend if anyone choses the same path fine and if they don't fine, but I'm tired of giving up the me that God made me to be a martyr for a bottomless pit of a personality disorder that is never filled!
Well, I've gotten that out and am on a roll even though I have had my bipolar med for the second half of the day.
That is exactly right. The only difference is I never lose hope with mom, but I'm also a realist. God designed me that way. I do my chores for my mother at AL and so forth, dad gets easily distracted from me, so there isn't much time there. I used to get really bothered when mom would feel like a "mom" and then hurt me so severely like wishing I was dead. My God-given counselor (truly), told me one thing that changed my thinking... "You can't get blood from a stone."
Only God can do that. I never lose hope for mom. So much so, that the story is too long to tell, but my counselor and I discovered that God was moving him to go do sessions with my mother on-site at the AL. Deep down I know that this counselor is mom's last chance. God is going to look at mom face to face one day (if she chooses not to heal), and say, "___, how many chances were you given? I gave you a good life, family and provisions. __, what have you done?"
God calls us to love, and sometimes that love is defined very clearly with sacrifice in the scriptures. But God has given each of us a purpose, and we can very easily get wrapped up and distracted from that purpose and that is where there is a fine line.
My Mom's still punishing me for being born. She's the meanest, cruelest person I've personally encountered, and sacrifices the ones she loves to self. It's all about her, and berating and accusing others, or choosing friends who cater to her whims. They don't know how she treats her family. What's up with that?
For the longest time, she had me convinced that I was the problem, but this just isn't reality. The weirdest thing is, others see her as "lovely." I certainly don't understand that, and never will. She is manipulator and playactor, and everyone else her stage production. Can't imagine how that feels. Soon, a court-appointed Guardian will take over. They will play her, spend her money "caring" for her needs. I didn't, and have no regrets. Just waiting to be free, and hoping that I learn something from this, though I don't know what that might be. I guess I just forget about loving someone who only wants to hate. I gave and gave and got stabbed in the back for loving. At least God saw my efforts. A wonderful relative did, too, and sent a huge (did I say huge?) monetary blessing, and we are planning a long-dreamed of vacation across country to spend some time with healthy people. She'll still be complaining to anyone who will listen.
Even though she's been this way all my life, I still don't understand. How can she be so convincing to others? Why do they think she's "lovely"? I think she's vulnerable, and about to get taken advantage of. That will not be a good day, but she won't see it coming or understand it when it does. And I won't be able to help her, as her new Guardian has designs, too. Her "witnesses" have set her up for the great heist, and she thinks they have her best interests at heart.
Dad escaped through Alzheimer's. I'll just drive away. I'll have to remember to send a post card.
What is up with how she treats her family in secret is how her disorder works. My experience with my mom is why I think it took me so long to get married.
Thanks for that confirmation. What's troubling is, she's told me all my life that I'm the problem, and now she's telling everyone else. An even greater problem is that they believe her. I live a life of quiet and not so quiet desperation. No one would believe what we go through who haven't experienced it. Only a husband or children who have suffered the devastating effects really know what others can not see.
Lately I've exposed the truth to some who refuse to accept what I'm saying about our situation. They tell me they don't believe me, support my adversary, then become one to me, too. It's almost as if I'm living in the middle of a nightmare, with no end in sight. I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's one way to describe the way it feels. I made a mistake the other day of telling Mom I love her, and asking for a hug. She hugged me, then started screaming.
I have sought help for mom from 8 health care professionals, and each time am dissatisfied at their missing the crux of the situation. I know what I'm seeing, and just can't seem to find help for her. She is so manipulative and practiced. I marvel how she can do it. I just got a letter in the mail from her Psychiatrist. He never even mentioned anything remotely close to what led us to him in the first place. Fail! And we're still fumbling in the darkness, waiting for the final curtain. If she had her way, she'd say, "Off with her head!" Mom thinks all will be well if I weren't in the picture, because I'm the current scapegoat. Unfortunately, her problems will continue, whether I am in the picture or not. I grieve.
What you described is classic and almost as if it were right out of the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" They can wear their masks for they know how to do normal, but at home they let loose and go into their irrational rages. This personality disorder is a social/psychological disorder that may have some biological predisposition toward it, but it is basically a learned way of relating with the world.
Psychiatrists tend to be a dime a dozen. Some are not up to date and some don't know diddly about borderline personality disorder or narsissitic personality disorder and thus would not know how to recognize one if it met them. They would probably misdiagnose as something like bipolar one, anxiety disorder or undesignated mood disorder. High functioning borderlines are the most deceptive with therapist, psychiatrists and themselves.
Yes, you are the current scapegoat as is my sister in law whom my mother in law tells she is a no good daughter and runs her daughter down all over town. Also, she does not like her husband (what's new there?) and she is still mad at me for stealing her daughter. Most men with a mother in law like mine would have split the scene long ago. I've learned to keep my stories from my friends unless they are knowledgable about mental illness. At 52, I'm tired of walking on eggshells but there are stories in my basket that I just don't tell everyone for like you have experienced who would believe them.
Thank you, sir. I hesitate, even here, to share personal details. I have seen posts where people ask us to "go to a site specifically for mental illness." It seems they may be uncomfortable reading this type of drama, and wish to banish or and limit our free expression. Common in today's age. At the same time, since these are our parents, and in our care, they are also protected individuals, where discretion and sensitivity are factors to consider. Mental health sites have a different flavor, and don't necessary focus on the needs those of us who are now caring for our aging parent or loved one, with the additional challenge of a lifetime of...challenges; and challenges that others may never understand. So, again, thank you for starting this thread.
Many of us, who have taken on the responsibility of caring for our parent or loved one, have the job of trying to manage our own conflicting emotions, both past and present, and trying to meet the needs, and often unreasonable demands and expectations of the one we are caring for. This is often a most difficult, and sometimes impossible task. And it's familiar for those who don't have the additional challenges of mental disorders to deal with. But for those of us who do, it can be especially challenging. Those of you who do, know exactly what I mean. Caregiving is difficult, regardless, and sometimes impossible where mental illness controls every detail.
I think of God's Word: When my father and mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. Some days, I wish God would just step in and do the seemingly impossible for us. Perhaps he tries, and I'm just wrestling with him. I have been given a task and some challenges. I have done all I can think to do to meet those challenges, and have asked for help from many different individuals. Things are now at a point where outside entities will take over. Believe me, they do not know what they are in for. And the thing that is hardest for me, is that they don't care to understand, and are fooled into thinking things are not "as bad" as I've attempted to portray. Professionals are often too busy, distracted, or sometimes uneducated and/or unaware of the depth of the challenges we face when attempting to care for someone with a mental disorder.
We were taught to keep silent. My parent is trying to silence me still; fearing detection above all. The sad thing is, she's attempting to do so with false accusations, so as to discredit me so the issue is clouded, and the focus is on me, not on her needs for care. And she has found many willing to aid her attempts to "save the victim from her oppressor." It is maddening to be an adult, and still ruled and manipulated by this tyrant. Even my sister, who suffered probably far greater indignities in childhood than me, has joined Mom in her cause to both convict and silence me. (She has an inheritance to protect.) People who once were cival and pleasant, now avert their eyes and thinly veil their suspicions or contempt. Mom has "won" the coveted prize: to discredit and malign me. Mom has told me more than once: "You volunteered for this!" Yep, at the request and insistance of others, and at my own expense, and perhaps my own demise. What was I thinking??? I now suffer the consequences for making that choice. Like I wrote earlier, I'm still paying the price for being born, because that was also a terrible, "punishable offense." I am at the mercy of God and "the system." I pray for mercy and grace.
secret sister my heart goes out to you I am seasoned as have taken care of all inlaws to boot it ran a gamet of cancer diabetes heart problems strokes alzheimers and of course my mother who is narcissistivc and many broken hips. I understand fully what you are saying. Remember this one thing. Please... some get their reward on earth others get their reward in heaven. if you aren't already go to your nearest Church of Christ listen to what they say become a christian and you WILL get your reward in heaven I promise you read Acts chapter to it was true then it is ttrue today God Bless and keep you in His tender care. love neon
I hear your pain and it sounds like you are at a breaking point. One of the best definitions of BPD is they have the ability to create a tornado and then step inside of it as if they were the victim. Now while I may be wrong using the label borderline personality disorder,but from what I'm reading it is either that or narcissistic personality disorder which is very similar.
My suggestion once to someone to look for an online support group specifically for someone in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder was not to silence the person or send them away, but to offer a resource that I've found useful. For example, at BPDCentral.com, there are several online groups to chose from. For example, A group for people age 18 and over who have or who had a parent with borderline personality disorder. I would think this group would be a possibility for an adult child of an aging parent or parent in law whom we think or know has borderline personality disorder. The other groups connected to that site are for people either staying married to or leaving someone with BPD or parents whose children have BPD or a sibling of someone with BPD. While there are books like surviving the Borderline Parents that's for adult children and other books like Stop Walking on Eggshells, what I'm hearing from you is that things are the past the point of reading anything and the more support you can find from people who understand "in real time' what it's like to relate with such sick individuals is what your heart is crying out for.
Yes, we are taught to keep silent and it enraged my mother in law greatly that my wife even spent time talking with a teacher in elementary school for fear that the truth might get out. Like myself, we are taught to not really pay any attention to our own needs for we are to be focused on others entirely and we learn to swallow our feelings, etc.
I've seen the sister game where one tries to stay the good child and paint the other as the bad one that mom is right to be angry with. I've also seen the game where they make their spouse and children endure their BPD parent for the sake of getting an inheritance one day and excuse it all by saying they were too afraid to stand up to their sick parent because you know how mean they can be while the rest of us put up with the dam meanness. Go figure how a spouse and mother can justify that in her head, not to mention the collarteral damage to her marriage and children which no inheritance is worth nor will repair. And I'm talking about very religious people who read their devotionals and Bibles every morning and every night, go to church faithfully and my mother in law is a pastor's child, and they are all so __ concerned about appearing normal when they are not. How the love of God can abide is such sick people, I do not believe.
He doesn't keeping up appearances does not a christian make, God knows their hearts and won't they be surprised when he says yur name is not written in my book. My mother always played my sister against me and vice versa, I wonder how she justifies the things she has done. she appears to be at peace and has no regrets what so ever and always tells me what a good mother she was, She must be trying to convince herself cuz it sure don't convince me. I am a mother and I know what kind of mother I have been not perfect but always encouraging, loving and giving teaching and exploring and the proof as I say is in the pudding.
Bless you both. Neon, I have learned to rely on you to be a little "wocky," and a kind friend. You also make me smile, and even laugh at time. Thank you.
Sir Crowe, I think I will be OK. God let me know he has not forgotten me. Remember, I also know he has not forgotten me. It's just the grief, the fear of the unknown, fatigue, sorrow, etc. have had their effect as well. I am going to land well, because I have in the past, and have all the love and support from so many who the Lord has sent. It's just I am not able to see it every second of the day. I sin, by my lack of faith. But I also know God understands.
My husband just took a drive. Before he left he told me, and I wrote it down: "Extricate yourself from the destabilizing influences, and associate with stabilizing influences." He would be one of the stabilizing ones, and my nine year old wonderful son. And God's greatest gift of all, His son. Beyond that, I have a host of friends and family who love and care for me. I am truly blessed. Some moments I just can't see it. 51 years of grief, and the last few years of additional grief, and a newly revealed diagnosis of my mother's condition have all come together and sometimes, sometimes it feels overwhelmingly intense.
Breaking point? I think God is preparing me for deliverance, and disentanglement. I think God has a firm hold on my life, and knows my every tear and the cry of my heart. He has not, and will not forsake me. Breaking point? Perhaps I need that. Perhaps it's me just not letting go, and letting God be God. Perhaps it's just me trying to hold on to justification, anger and bitterness. Like Paul, perhaps it's just time for me to say, "I die daily." I say I trust in Christ to take me to heaven, but it seems I fear to trust him with my emotions and my daily affairs. Epiphany time.
You got it seetheart, unfortunately people think they are in control LOL NOT! Give it to God do not worry. cling to your stabilizers you know sometimes even tho men like a strong woman they need to be needed to not a hanger on just a snuggle a I love you I need you to hold me something like that. I am having a bad day and you're what i need to make it better, It make them feel like you are not so deep in cregiving someone else but that they are an important part of your life, Men are not so different from woman and there is a man at my church everytime I talk to him he has to insert well with the women I've dealt with, so finally this past Sunday I said you know what? I'm sick of your conversation about women, first you don't know me, second I've been married to my husband for 38 years, and as far as I'm concerned you aren't a man you are just another person so stop it already. I hope he got the poiint.
aha a v8 it is also a light bulb moment ey? You're on the right path you're learning bits and pieces. Rome wasn't built in a day I think it took centuries LOL. /take some time for you go to calgon country paint your nails play your favorite music, have a cup of peach or green tea. R E L A X SIT IN THE SUNSHINE, TALK TO THE lORD WE HAVE RELATIONSHIPS HERE ON EARTH AND WE TALK TO EACH OTHER WHEN YOU SPEND TIME TALKING TO gOD YOUR RELATION SHIP GROWS AS WELL AS YOUR KNOWLEDFE hE KNOWS WHATS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE, Sorry just looked up and caps were on not shouting stupid broken finger still hasn't healed LOL anyway I love you and so do lots of others we are here for you and for once listen to your hubby He loves you lots.
My two cents is that sometimes we just need to quit focusing on the problem. Set our boundaries, and give it to God. It is not about being silent when you set the boundaries. But sometimes when we talk too much, we can talk the problem into existence, and if not that bad (not saying our NPD parent's are not), but it can make it worse and bring life to just the words.
So I try not to dwell on it. What I have discovered is that there are times I go to the top of the mountain in the best that I can do. Mom is ALWAYS going to find a new level (even as we speak). It is just something that is part of life.
The key is I do not have to accept it. I pray for mom, get her the help that I can (a counselor at this point), and pray that mom makes her choice and "chooses" to change.
Beyond that, I have to live my life and answer to God for it. No one else can be a part of that. I realize I cannot get blood from a stone (even for mom at 78 yrs old), and I have a Daddy (God), who knows me best and provides in ways that mom never can.
I have lived for the past five years with my mother, up until last month when my sister and I had her put in the nursing home after she had several falls in her apartment. I am on disability and have some mobility problems myself, and I was not able to help her get back up when she fell, every time we had to call the ambulance. She was waking up at night thinking there was someone out in the parking lot waiting to pick her up to go somewhere. It was a mistake to not have her on assisted living when we moved to be closer to my sister, but we wanted the larger apartment with two baths, that's was lured me into it. She definitely has manic/depressive disorder. The first year after we moved she was very depressed, she had had a boyfriend that was very close to her that had recently died just before we moved. She missed the friends she had left behind in order to be closer to my sister. But, she would have spells where she would get on the phone, want to make travel reservations to go visit friends across the country, want to order concert tickets without knowing how she would get there, etc. She had a lot of this manic behavior while her boyfriend was still alive, and would make travel plans and try to sneak him out of the nursing home, even though he was progressively losing his memory with Alzheimers. Anyway, now that she is getting better in the nursing home and able to get around better and had physical therapy, she thinks she can now go out and live on her own, even without assisted living, and trying to talk the workers in the nursing home into letting her walk without hanging on to her walker. The workers catch her trying to stumble around her room without her walker in the nursing home. Now she is locked in a power play with my sister over being in the nursing home and wants her property back that is stored at my sister's. I am trying to keep peace with my sister, as that is the only place where I can live now, had to give up the apartment as I am broke from her talking me into overspending and I am on disability. This is enough now for me to have mental problems in addition to health problems.
I certainly sympathize with you Imw124. But sometimes you have to say this is too big for me while I am dealing with my own health. I am sure the nurses are on to her so just intervene when it is absolutely necessary. Please take care of yourself. You will be in my prayers my prayer list grows daily which is a good thing.
Imw124, I found one statement to be particularly interesting. "I am trying to keep peace with my sister, as that is the only place where I can live now, had to give up the apartment as I am broke from her talking me into overspending and I am on disability."
In your statement you say from her talking you into.... sweetheart, she can't make you do anything when you allow her to do it. That was a choice you made based on whatever points.
The important point is it is never too late to set boundaries. With our parents getting older, there are a lot of fears that go on because there are some drastic changes in lifestyle and myths that hang around about nursing homes, etc.
I think its important that you define what a mental problem or seek the assistance of a doctor/mental health professional. It is a very fine line to cross as we deal with our elderly parent.
Just remember that we still owe our parents to HONOR them, but we do not have to be a doormat. How each of us chooses to honor our parents is an individual choice. Do the best that you can and do it with a heart of compassion.
Take care of you and there's always someone here that will have a heart that joins you.
This has been an interesting thread. I appreciate all the suggestions by seasoned ones who've "been there," and survived. I am growing towards that position, in that a lot has changed recently. Mom now has a PG, and I'm free to be disentangled from her manipulations, by having to meet her daily needs and unrealistic expectations and demands.
Bought the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," and find such good info there. Thanks for the suggestions (from other threads as well) to read it. Also purchased the books: "Meaning from Madness," and "Tears and Healing," by Richard Skerrit. The former being very good, and looking forward to the latter... Reading "Meaning" and the "Eggshell" ones, as well as the astute counsel from others has encouraged me to act from a position of strength.
Having mom out from under my skin helps me not react, but regain my stability and focus. I'm no longer dreading the next phone call from her, but actually look forward to it. I feel I can speak with boldness, addressing her tirades, now that I don't have to answer false charges of abuse as her Caregiver. I will remain as my dad's guardian and conservator, protecting him, 1/2 the estate as possible, and am free to give the majority of my energies back to God's service for my nine year old and husband and as God directs. My needs were on the back burner, as mom's constant demands pulled me that direction. I knew it was temporary, thank God, and thank God that I have some semblance of serenity and strength back from the black hole of mom's mental illness. Let her PG deal with that. I'll just look after my own family's well being, thank you. I think I'll like this arrangement better.
We are hoping the new PG doesn't take all her assets "away," as I'll have that battle to contend with. Who knows what damage they can do undetected for the next year? So, I pray a hedge of protection around my mom, their estate, dad's 1/2 interest in it, and my sister's and my future inheritance. Should be interesting. Though temporal, I still want to be a good steward of what God has entrusted me with. Pretty sure mom's PG and attorney could care less about the spiritual aspect of things. Only wish I could find some legal counsel to walk us through... We thank you for your suggestions and prayers. Hope all is well with all of you.
Praying you all have a wonderful start to the new year, and a fresh perspective for 2010. Thanks, SS
It sounds like you have a wonderful new start and fresh perspective for the new year already! That is wonderful to hear.
I gather PG means personal or professional guardian. Such a person is required by law to submit detailed reports about how they spend the money of the person they are being guardian of. Would your mother's attorney help you or could you find another attorney. Legal advice is always good to get face to face.
Thanks for your input. You know I have a long way to go on the learning curve, as some of you are much further ahead, but I do thank you for your input and suggestions. Of myself I can do nothing, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (sometimes he uses others to encourage).
Yes, Sir, the PG is mom's new guardian. I no longer have to have anxiety moments thinking of a visit to her place. Trying to serve doesn't bother me, but anticipating her abuse when doing so does, so now we can relax and hope the PG does a good job. If not, I'll petition the court for a better one. I already question the decisions she's made (giving mom a checkbook again) but no one is willing to listen to me when I tell them how bad an idea that is. Like mom will suddenly make good decisions with your money. They've given her freedom she can't handle, but will soon see the error of their decision. Guess they think they know better than the person who knows mom best. Her Psychiatrist is a total ninkcompoop, but fortunately some reliable Geriatric professionals have correctly diagnosed mom both in the past, and even recently. I hope those trump cards work favorably should they become necessary.
Mom's attorney will not work favorably with me, but was very antagonistic and damaging to me. That is his reputation, so I'll not worry about it at this point. Let his deeds speak for themselves, and we'll see how things go. I have a former Special Forces Pastor and a MSP Trooper in my corner, and the name of a bulldog attorney with large fangs if need be. Hoping that won't be necessary. Our State Trooper friend told me to not let mom's attorney or PG intimidate me, and that gives me strength. Knowing he'd be there for us at a moment's notice helps, too. He would fight for me if necessary. I thank God for two Christian manly men who aren't afraid to call a wolf a wolf, and are willing to defend me and my mom and dad. If God be for us, who can be against us? Still, we have to contend with a worldly system at times, including slick lawyers and judges. So, I must rest in the power and promises of God, and in the protection God has given.
Feeling better knowing that mom's power to manipulate me is nullified by her next target. I can talk and walk as bold as a lion if need be, and not worry about false charges. I'm just a daughter now, looking out for an ailing daddy's interests. I'm peripherally concerned for mom, without the responsibility, and will protest any lack she has due to a broken and corrupt system. Yeah, for a position as advocate, and not a target for complaint and criticism! Let the PG take that...and my sister who is looking to score and early inheritance, while trying to condemn me for trying to protect mom and dad's estate from her covetousness. I'm get to be the watchwoman on the wall, and dad's help in time of need. Will also be seeking the opinions of a good Elder Law attorney for dad and mom's protection. Thanks
In light of what having a guardian means, she has already broken her responsibilities by treating your mother as if she were competent to manage her own affairs by giving her that checkbook. One of our friends is going through a bad guardian right now and having him replaced. Interesting enough, the mom's favorite son who could never do anything wrong is not managing her money at all with so many bills unpaid to the nursing home, etc. along with losing the home owners insurance on her house due to failure to pay and now it costs so much more to have a new policy. The judge has temporarily given guardianship to the daughter whom has never had a good relationship with her mother, but is the responsible one.
I'm glad to hear the lion gaining strength in your tank. BTW, have you found your mother's will. Trust God to guide you to a good Elder Law attorney and use the means provided to protect your mother, ah, sort of like the apostle Paul used his Roman citizenship as a legal means of protecting himself a couple of times. Don't back down and just let the PG take anything. Hold them to the letter and requirements of the law. Send the bull atty in if you have too.
Thank God, you have "two Christian manly men who aren't afraid to call a wolf a wolf, and are willing to defend me and my mom and dad." From what I have seen in churches, this is a rare quality among Christian men now a days. I do believe you are in a more powerful position as an advocate for your mother than you were in a more personalized position. The few that I have met were most helpful in protecting me as their pastor and other church members from the wolves of the congregation.
I'm personally feeling much better since finding my mother's will this month and reading the strong language she used in declaring me as the executor and sole inheritor of her estate. That helps some with the pain of my dad wimping out and letting my stepmother dominate him into cutting me out of any involvement in his life at 85 or his estate when he dies. At one time, I use to think he was a manly man, but several years ago I saw him wimp out and for the first time ever, I appeared more of a manly man than him, but now he has totally wimped out. So, I don't want to hear anything more from him about calling me a mommy's boy or my mother wanting to raise me on a pink pillow. Thank God, I'm past all that now.
Thank God for manly men, and for the gift your mother gave you. Abusers are usually wimps, just use their wicked mouths to intimidate, but God trumps the wicked, doesn't he? Sorry to hear about your dad. I'm sure I don't follow all that, but there must be a reason? So happy to hear your mother loves her manyly son, and has given you the authority you deserve. Life isn't always easy but when one lives for God, has its rewards. Congratulations!
I have my mother's will, but it wouldn't surprise me if she tried to change it. Fight I shall! (As she is not making wise decisions.) The PG's first act was to give mom a checkbook, to "buy prescriptions, groceries," etc. I can't imagine mom doing well with that, as she didn't manage cash well for the past two years. She lied and borrowed from friends, asking me to cover her expenses. Found out recently that I wasn't responsible for mom's debts, but paid them. If I hadn't, perhaps her friends would have gotten a clue. I only paid them once, and told them I wouldn't cover mom's debts to them again; that if she wanted something she was to ask me, not them for money. They pitied her and bought her tons of food and stuff anyway, calling me abusive and stingy. Responsible was more like it, as mom owes $10,000.00 on a mortgage she signed for. But that's no longer my responsibility, or is it? Half is in dad's name, so he has a vested interest, I believe, even though he's on Medicaid. Not sure how this works so look forward to conferring with an Elder Law specialist...
You'd be amazed by the godly men in our church. Pastor was special forces, and a black belt in Tae Qwon Do. He's teaching self-control to our kid as well as many others, and runs a biblical church. Our Nursery Director/preacher, State Police Trooper runs a tight ship keeping order, and both homeschool theirs. The deacons are raising godly seed, three preachers, and talented girls who are skilled in song, piano, teaching, etc. who have a bus route and nursing home ministry. We are blessed beyond measure, and they are wonderful to be around. Anyway, that's a rabbit trail from Caregiving. It is these people to whom I go for godly counsel and encouragement (besides that which I get here). God is good all the time!
My husband is guardian for his 90 year old declining dad with Vascular Dementia. His dad's easy compared to dealing with my mom's personality disorder. My dad is well-cared for at the nursing home, which frees me to pursue auxillary matters. There are plenty, as you surely are aware. Caregiving is more than just hands on, and we're so blessed to have help with that part. It frees us to enjoy our weekly, and sometimes daily visits with both dads. They smile when they see us coming, and are either tired or sad to see us go. Their nine year old grandson is the other bright spot.
My mom is real abusive towards me, but wants to hug my son. Since I'm not longer her guardian, and not under her manipulative control, I have thought to tell her, "No hugging my boy, if you won't be nice to me." After all, why should I trust her with him, if I can't trust my own mother with me? It's sad, but we need some sort of boundaries, and I sure don't want to sacrifice my son to a mean-spirited, bitter mother. Any thoughts?
What is your son's age. It sounds reasonable to me to set a boundary there with consequences, like you don't get to see my son for say two weeks or so if you are verbally abusive of him.
I do not believe that technically or legally your mother can change her will now that she has a guardian because having one means that she has been declared mentally incompetent to conduct her own affairs in a businesslike manner. Check with a lawyer, but I beleive her days of doing legal and otherwise business are over.
No, her debt is not yours. The pg should be addressing her debt problem with her assests and getting a reputable debt reduction service to work with them in resolving that debt. If anything, your mother's debt upon her death will become your dad's if it is not removed before she dies. Please don't pay off anymore of her debt for that is not nor was it ever your responsibility.
My dad is a perfectionist and verbally abusive, but that is not the entire story of my journey which really does not belong on this thread, but could be shared by e-mail. God has been good to me in providing substitute parents as well as substitute siblings along my journey for me to be where I am today. My substitute family is still intact and I contact them from time to time.
I learned boundaries at 40 years of age. It is not easy, but it is necessary in order to keep our sanity. Crowe, one statement that caught my attention, that being too nice a person and too good a Christian.... I will tell you this, Christianity is NOT for wimps!! It is tough to set boundaries out of love and it is tough to sometimes say no when you know its for a person's well being and your own health. I've been called many things and expletives for putting boundaries in place in my life, but I would not trade them for the world.
I'm sorry to hear about you having to throw her out. That honestly breaks my heart that someone has to go to that extreme and lose out. As a Christian, once you get past the anger, you need to pray for her. She needs help and it won't be from you it will come straight from God.
With my deepest prayers and heartfelt sympathies.... just go before God and guard your own heart at this point.
Thank you for your supportive words. I was 45 when I first began to learn about boundaries for I was at the end of my rope both personally and professionally and wanted my life back but could not even define that if that makes any sense at all.
In terms of kicking the queen/witch out, it was more out of visiting us in our house or going with us on vacations, forging my wife's name on CD to launder her money so we would have to pay taxes on it which she would give us money for.
To get my point accross to my wife who did not keep with our agreed upon boundaries concerning her mother, I had to leave my house with the boys for three nights and days as a consequnce for that boundary being broken. It only got broken one more time, but for things started to change for the better. As my therapist told me, when a man leaves his home with his children it is a more powerful statement than when a woman leaves because men tend not to be willing to leave their stuff etc. I don't know about that because I've often felt like I've been both dad and mom to these boys as well as sometime the dad my wife never had and sometimes a complete role reversal as if I was the wife. I know what that sounds like but it's the truth and people like my sister in law and close friends have made the same observations.
I guess that I should of said that I was being too good of a Southern Gentleman and from what I've seen in churches there are plenty of good Christian wimps and wimpers who will not stand up to dominating mean people who want to run the show and control with their money or their personality or both.
I never learned boundaries earlier or tend to my own needs for my single parent mother was very intrusive into my life and met her own emotional needs through me instead of meeting my emotional needs which she admited to later in 1986.
She told me that she knew that the way she raised me "my dad called it a pink pillow" would cause me a lot of pain in life but that she could not help it. She also tried very hard but unsuccessfully to keep my dad out of my life and constantly ran him down. He's not perfect but he's been the better of the two.
I am glad you had a good dad and sorry that you lost his protection. Sad to say but my father in law was not able to protect his twin girls, but he did raise one more than the other and she is much more like him.
I think that at this point my 78 year old m-n-l is beyond prayer, even prayer and fasting for as much as we would love to see a miracle take place in these people with a personaility disorder unless they get therapy, right meds and work hard for years like my wife has then nothing is going to change. So instead of being focused so much on her and her illness or even my wife illnesses, I focus more on my own health and the boys to the extend if anyone choses the same path fine and if they don't fine, but I'm tired of giving up the me that God made me to be a martyr for a bottomless pit of a personality disorder that is never filled!
Well, I've gotten that out and am on a roll even though I have had my bipolar med for the second half of the day.
Only God can do that. I never lose hope for mom. So much so, that the story is too long to tell, but my counselor and I discovered that God was moving him to go do sessions with my mother on-site at the AL. Deep down I know that this counselor is mom's last chance. God is going to look at mom face to face one day (if she chooses not to heal), and say, "___, how many chances were you given? I gave you a good life, family and provisions. __, what have you done?"
God calls us to love, and sometimes that love is defined very clearly with sacrifice in the scriptures. But God has given each of us a purpose, and we can very easily get wrapped up and distracted from that purpose and that is where there is a fine line.
Take it easy and care for those children!!
For the longest time, she had me convinced that I was the problem, but this just isn't reality. The weirdest thing is, others see her as "lovely." I certainly don't understand that, and never will. She is manipulator and playactor, and everyone else her stage production. Can't imagine how that feels. Soon, a court-appointed Guardian will take over. They will play her, spend her money "caring" for her needs. I didn't, and have no regrets. Just waiting to be free, and hoping that I learn something from this, though I don't know what that might be. I guess I just forget about loving someone who only wants to hate. I gave and gave and got stabbed in the back for loving. At least God saw my efforts. A wonderful relative did, too, and sent a huge (did I say huge?) monetary blessing, and we are planning a long-dreamed of vacation across country to spend some time with healthy people. She'll still be complaining to anyone who will listen.
Even though she's been this way all my life, I still don't understand. How can she be so convincing to others? Why do they think she's "lovely"? I think she's vulnerable, and about to get taken advantage of. That will not be a good day, but she won't see it coming or understand it when it does. And I won't be able to help her, as her new Guardian has designs, too. Her "witnesses" have set her up for the great heist, and she thinks they have her best interests at heart.
Dad escaped through Alzheimer's. I'll just drive away. I'll have to remember to send a post card.
What is up with how she treats her family in secret is how her disorder works. My experience with my mom is why I think it took me so long to get married.
Lately I've exposed the truth to some who refuse to accept what I'm saying about our situation. They tell me they don't believe me, support my adversary, then become one to me, too. It's almost as if I'm living in the middle of a nightmare, with no end in sight. I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's one way to describe the way it feels. I made a mistake the other day of telling Mom I love her, and asking for a hug. She hugged me, then started screaming.
I have sought help for mom from 8 health care professionals, and each time am dissatisfied at their missing the crux of the situation. I know what I'm seeing, and just can't seem to find help for her. She is so manipulative and practiced. I marvel how she can do it. I just got a letter in the mail from her Psychiatrist. He never even mentioned anything remotely close to what led us to him in the first place. Fail! And we're still fumbling in the darkness, waiting for the final curtain. If she had her way, she'd say, "Off with her head!" Mom thinks all will be well if I weren't in the picture, because I'm the current scapegoat. Unfortunately, her problems will continue, whether I am in the picture or not. I grieve.
What you described is classic and almost as if it were right out of the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" They can wear their masks for they know how to do normal, but at home they let loose and go into their irrational rages. This personality disorder is a social/psychological disorder that may have some biological predisposition toward it, but it is basically a learned way of relating with the world.
Psychiatrists tend to be a dime a dozen. Some are not up to date and some don't know diddly about borderline personality disorder or narsissitic personality disorder and thus would not know how to recognize one if it met them. They would probably misdiagnose as something like bipolar one, anxiety disorder or undesignated mood disorder. High functioning borderlines are the most deceptive with therapist, psychiatrists and themselves.
Yes, you are the current scapegoat as is my sister in law whom my mother in law tells she is a no good daughter and runs her daughter down all over town. Also, she does not like her husband (what's new there?) and she is still mad at me for stealing her daughter. Most men with a mother in law like mine would have split the scene long ago. I've learned to keep my stories from my friends unless they are knowledgable about mental illness. At 52, I'm tired of walking on eggshells but there are stories in my basket that I just don't tell everyone for like you have experienced who would believe them.
Take care
Many of us, who have taken on the responsibility of caring for our parent or loved one, have the job of trying to manage our own conflicting emotions, both past and present, and trying to meet the needs, and often unreasonable demands and expectations of the one we are caring for. This is often a most difficult, and sometimes impossible task. And it's familiar for those who don't have the additional challenges of mental disorders to deal with. But for those of us who do, it can be especially challenging. Those of you who do, know exactly what I mean. Caregiving is difficult, regardless, and sometimes impossible where mental illness controls every detail.
I think of God's Word: When my father and mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. Some days, I wish God would just step in and do the seemingly impossible for us. Perhaps he tries, and I'm just wrestling with him. I have been given a task and some challenges. I have done all I can think to do to meet those challenges, and have asked for help from many different individuals. Things are now at a point where outside entities will take over. Believe me, they do not know what they are in for. And the thing that is hardest for me, is that they don't care to understand, and are fooled into thinking things are not "as bad" as I've attempted to portray. Professionals are often too busy, distracted, or sometimes uneducated and/or unaware of the depth of the challenges we face when attempting to care for someone with a mental disorder.
We were taught to keep silent. My parent is trying to silence me still; fearing detection above all. The sad thing is, she's attempting to do so with false accusations, so as to discredit me so the issue is clouded, and the focus is on me, not on her needs for care. And she has found many willing to aid her attempts to "save the victim from her oppressor." It is maddening to be an adult, and still ruled and manipulated by this tyrant. Even my sister, who suffered probably far greater indignities in childhood than me, has joined Mom in her cause to both convict and silence me. (She has an inheritance to protect.) People who once were cival and pleasant, now avert their eyes and thinly veil their suspicions or contempt. Mom has "won" the coveted prize: to discredit and malign me. Mom has told me more than once: "You volunteered for this!" Yep, at the request and insistance of others, and at my own expense, and perhaps my own demise. What was I thinking??? I now suffer the consequences for making that choice. Like I wrote earlier, I'm still paying the price for being born, because that was also a terrible, "punishable offense." I am at the mercy of God and "the system." I pray for mercy and grace.
I hear your pain and it sounds like you are at a breaking point. One of the best definitions of BPD is they have the ability to create a tornado and then step inside of it as if they were the victim. Now while I may be wrong using the label borderline personality disorder,but from what I'm reading it is either that or narcissistic personality disorder which is very similar.
My suggestion once to someone to look for an online support group specifically for someone in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder was not to silence the person or send them away, but to offer a resource that I've found useful. For example, at BPDCentral.com, there are several online groups to chose from. For example, A group for people age 18 and over who have or who had a parent with borderline personality disorder. I would think this group would be a possibility for an adult child of an aging parent or parent in law whom we think or know has borderline personality disorder. The other groups connected to that site are for people either staying married to or leaving someone with BPD or parents whose children have BPD or a sibling of someone with BPD. While there are books like surviving the Borderline Parents that's for adult children and other books like Stop Walking on Eggshells, what I'm hearing from you is that things are the past the point of reading anything and the more support you can find from people who understand "in real time' what it's like to relate with such sick individuals is what your heart is crying out for.
Yes, we are taught to keep silent and it enraged my mother in law greatly that my wife even spent time talking with a teacher in elementary school for fear that the truth might get out. Like myself, we are taught to not really pay any attention to our own needs for we are to be focused on others entirely and we learn to swallow our feelings, etc.
I've seen the sister game where one tries to stay the good child and paint the other as the bad one that mom is right to be angry with. I've also seen the game where they make their spouse and children endure their BPD parent for the sake of getting an inheritance one day and excuse it all by saying they were too afraid to stand up to their sick parent because you know how mean they can be while the rest of us put up with the dam meanness. Go figure how a spouse and mother can justify that in her head, not to mention the collarteral damage to her marriage and children which no inheritance is worth nor will repair. And I'm talking about very religious people who read their devotionals and Bibles every morning and every night, go to church faithfully and my mother in law is a pastor's child, and they are all so __ concerned about appearing normal when they are not. How the love of God can abide is such sick people, I do not believe.
Sir Crowe, I think I will be OK. God let me know he has not forgotten me. Remember, I also know he has not forgotten me. It's just the grief, the fear of the unknown, fatigue, sorrow, etc. have had their effect as well. I am going to land well, because I have in the past, and have all the love and support from so many who the Lord has sent. It's just I am not able to see it every second of the day. I sin, by my lack of faith. But I also know God understands.
My husband just took a drive. Before he left he told me, and I wrote it down: "Extricate yourself from the destabilizing influences, and associate with stabilizing influences." He would be one of the stabilizing ones, and my nine year old wonderful son. And God's greatest gift of all, His son. Beyond that, I have a host of friends and family who love and care for me. I am truly blessed. Some moments I just can't see it. 51 years of grief, and the last few years of additional grief, and a newly revealed diagnosis of my mother's condition have all come together and sometimes, sometimes it feels overwhelmingly intense.
Breaking point? I think God is preparing me for deliverance, and disentanglement. I think God has a firm hold on my life, and knows my every tear and the cry of my heart. He has not, and will not forsake me. Breaking point? Perhaps I need that. Perhaps it's me just not letting go, and letting God be God. Perhaps it's just me trying to hold on to justification, anger and bitterness. Like Paul, perhaps it's just time for me to say, "I die daily." I say I trust in Christ to take me to heaven, but it seems I fear to trust him with my emotions and my daily affairs. Epiphany time.
Hey neon, "I could have had a V8." LOL
aha a v8 it is also a light bulb moment ey? You're on the right path you're learning bits and pieces. Rome wasn't built in a day I think it took centuries LOL. /take some time for you go to calgon country paint your nails play your favorite music, have a cup of peach or green tea. R E L A X SIT IN THE SUNSHINE, TALK TO THE lORD WE HAVE RELATIONSHIPS HERE ON EARTH AND WE TALK TO EACH OTHER WHEN YOU SPEND TIME TALKING TO gOD YOUR RELATION SHIP GROWS AS WELL AS YOUR KNOWLEDFE hE KNOWS WHATS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE, Sorry just looked up and caps were on not shouting stupid broken finger still hasn't healed LOL anyway I love you and so do lots of others we are here for you and for once listen to your hubby He loves you lots.
So I try not to dwell on it. What I have discovered is that there are times I go to the top of the mountain in the best that I can do. Mom is ALWAYS going to find a new level (even as we speak). It is just something that is part of life.
The key is I do not have to accept it. I pray for mom, get her the help that I can (a counselor at this point), and pray that mom makes her choice and "chooses" to change.
Beyond that, I have to live my life and answer to God for it. No one else can be a part of that. I realize I cannot get blood from a stone (even for mom at 78 yrs old), and I have a Daddy (God), who knows me best and provides in ways that mom never can.
Great news!! :)
ambulance. She was waking up at night thinking there was someone out in the parking lot waiting to pick her up to go somewhere. It was a mistake to not have her on assisted living when we moved to be closer to my sister, but we wanted the larger apartment with two baths, that's was lured me into it.
She definitely has manic/depressive disorder. The first year after we moved she was very depressed, she had had a boyfriend that was very close to her that had recently died just before we moved. She missed the friends she had left behind in order to be closer to my sister. But, she would have spells where she would get on the phone, want to make travel reservations to go visit friends across the country, want to order
concert tickets without knowing how she would get there, etc. She had a lot of this manic behavior while her boyfriend was still alive, and would make travel plans and try to sneak him out of the nursing home, even though he was progressively losing his memory with Alzheimers. Anyway, now that she is getting better in the nursing home and able to get around better and had physical therapy, she thinks she can now go out and live on her own, even without assisted living, and trying to talk the workers in the nursing home into letting her walk without hanging on to her walker. The workers catch her trying to stumble around her room without her walker in the nursing home. Now she is locked in a power play with my sister over being in the nursing home and wants her property back that is stored at my sister's. I am trying to keep peace with my sister, as that is the only place where I can live now, had to give up the apartment as I am broke from her talking me into overspending and I am on disability. This is enough now for me to have mental problems in addition to health problems.
In your statement you say from her talking you into.... sweetheart, she can't make you do anything when you allow her to do it. That was a choice you made based on whatever points.
The important point is it is never too late to set boundaries. With our parents getting older, there are a lot of fears that go on because there are some drastic changes in lifestyle and myths that hang around about nursing homes, etc.
I think its important that you define what a mental problem or seek the assistance of a doctor/mental health professional. It is a very fine line to cross as we deal with our elderly parent.
Just remember that we still owe our parents to HONOR them, but we do not have to be a doormat. How each of us chooses to honor our parents is an individual choice. Do the best that you can and do it with a heart of compassion.
Take care of you and there's always someone here that will have a heart that joins you.
Bought the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," and find such good info there. Thanks for the suggestions (from other threads as well) to read it. Also purchased the books: "Meaning from Madness," and "Tears and Healing," by Richard Skerrit. The former being very good, and looking forward to the latter... Reading "Meaning" and the "Eggshell" ones, as well as the astute counsel from others has encouraged me to act from a position of strength.
Having mom out from under my skin helps me not react, but regain my stability and focus. I'm no longer dreading the next phone call from her, but actually look forward to it. I feel I can speak with boldness, addressing her tirades, now that I don't have to answer false charges of abuse as her Caregiver. I will remain as my dad's guardian and conservator, protecting him, 1/2 the estate as possible, and am free to give the majority of my energies back to God's service for my nine year old and husband and as God directs. My needs were on the back burner, as mom's constant demands pulled me that direction. I knew it was temporary, thank God, and thank God that I have some semblance of serenity and strength back from the black hole of mom's mental illness. Let her PG deal with that. I'll just look after my own family's well being, thank you. I think I'll like this arrangement better.
We are hoping the new PG doesn't take all her assets "away," as I'll have that battle to contend with. Who knows what damage they can do undetected for the next year? So, I pray a hedge of protection around my mom, their estate, dad's 1/2 interest in it, and my sister's and my future inheritance. Should be interesting. Though temporal, I still want to be a good steward of what God has entrusted me with. Pretty sure mom's PG and attorney could care less about the spiritual aspect of things. Only wish I could find some legal counsel to walk us through... We thank you for your suggestions and prayers. Hope all is well with all of you.
Praying you all have a wonderful start to the new year, and a fresh perspective for 2010. Thanks, SS
It sounds like you have a wonderful new start and fresh perspective for the new year already! That is wonderful to hear.
I gather PG means personal or professional guardian. Such a person is required by law to submit detailed reports about how they spend the money of the person they are being guardian of. Would your mother's attorney help you or could you find another attorney. Legal advice is always good to get face to face.
Yes, Sir, the PG is mom's new guardian. I no longer have to have anxiety moments thinking of a visit to her place. Trying to serve doesn't bother me, but anticipating her abuse when doing so does, so now we can relax and hope the PG does a good job. If not, I'll petition the court for a better one. I already question the decisions she's made (giving mom a checkbook again) but no one is willing to listen to me when I tell them how bad an idea that is. Like mom will suddenly make good decisions with your money. They've given her freedom she can't handle, but will soon see the error of their decision. Guess they think they know better than the person who knows mom best. Her Psychiatrist is a total ninkcompoop, but fortunately some reliable Geriatric professionals have correctly diagnosed mom both in the past, and even recently. I hope those trump cards work favorably should they become necessary.
Mom's attorney will not work favorably with me, but was very antagonistic and damaging to me. That is his reputation, so I'll not worry about it at this point. Let his deeds speak for themselves, and we'll see how things go. I have a former Special Forces Pastor and a MSP Trooper in my corner, and the name of a bulldog attorney with large fangs if need be. Hoping that won't be necessary. Our State Trooper friend told me to not let mom's attorney or PG intimidate me, and that gives me strength. Knowing he'd be there for us at a moment's notice helps, too. He would fight for me if necessary. I thank God for two Christian manly men who aren't afraid to call a wolf a wolf, and are willing to defend me and my mom and dad. If God be for us, who can be against us? Still, we have to contend with a worldly system at times, including slick lawyers and judges. So, I must rest in the power and promises of God, and in the protection God has given.
Feeling better knowing that mom's power to manipulate me is nullified by her next target. I can talk and walk as bold as a lion if need be, and not worry about false charges. I'm just a daughter now, looking out for an ailing daddy's interests. I'm peripherally concerned for mom, without the responsibility, and will protest any lack she has due to a broken and corrupt system. Yeah, for a position as advocate, and not a target for complaint and criticism! Let the PG take that...and my sister who is looking to score and early inheritance, while trying to condemn me for trying to protect mom and dad's estate from her covetousness. I'm get to be the watchwoman on the wall, and dad's help in time of need. Will also be seeking the opinions of a good Elder Law attorney for dad and mom's protection. Thanks
I'm glad to hear the lion gaining strength in your tank. BTW, have you found your mother's will. Trust God to guide you to a good Elder Law attorney and use the means provided to protect your mother, ah, sort of like the apostle Paul used his Roman citizenship as a legal means of protecting himself a couple of times. Don't back down and just let the PG take anything. Hold them to the letter and requirements of the law. Send the bull atty in if you have too.
Thank God, you have "two Christian manly men who aren't afraid to call a wolf a wolf, and are willing to defend me and my mom and dad." From what I have seen in churches, this is a rare quality among Christian men now a days. I do believe you are in a more powerful position as an advocate for your mother than you were in a more personalized position. The few that I have met were most helpful in protecting me as their pastor and other church members from the wolves of the congregation.
I'm personally feeling much better since finding my mother's will this month and reading the strong language she used in declaring me as the executor and sole inheritor of her estate. That helps some with the pain of my dad wimping out and letting my stepmother dominate him into cutting me out of any involvement in his life at 85 or his estate when he dies. At one time, I use to think he was a manly man, but several years ago I saw him wimp out and for the first time ever, I appeared more of a manly man than him, but now he has totally wimped out. So, I don't want to hear anything more from him about calling me a mommy's boy or my mother wanting to raise me on a pink pillow. Thank God, I'm past all that now.
I have my mother's will, but it wouldn't surprise me if she tried to change it. Fight I shall! (As she is not making wise decisions.) The PG's first act was to give mom a checkbook, to "buy prescriptions, groceries," etc. I can't imagine mom doing well with that, as she didn't manage cash well for the past two years. She lied and borrowed from friends, asking me to cover her expenses. Found out recently that I wasn't responsible for mom's debts, but paid them. If I hadn't, perhaps her friends would have gotten a clue. I only paid them once, and told them I wouldn't cover mom's debts to them again; that if she wanted something she was to ask me, not them for money. They pitied her and bought her tons of food and stuff anyway, calling me abusive and stingy. Responsible was more like it, as mom owes $10,000.00 on a mortgage she signed for. But that's no longer my responsibility, or is it? Half is in dad's name, so he has a vested interest, I believe, even though he's on Medicaid. Not sure how this works so look forward to conferring with an Elder Law specialist...
You'd be amazed by the godly men in our church. Pastor was special forces, and a black belt in Tae Qwon Do. He's teaching self-control to our kid as well as many others, and runs a biblical church. Our Nursery Director/preacher, State Police Trooper runs a tight ship keeping order, and both homeschool theirs. The deacons are raising godly seed, three preachers, and talented girls who are skilled in song, piano, teaching, etc. who have a bus route and nursing home ministry. We are blessed beyond measure, and they are wonderful to be around. Anyway, that's a rabbit trail from Caregiving. It is these people to whom I go for godly counsel and encouragement (besides that which I get here). God is good all the time!
My husband is guardian for his 90 year old declining dad with Vascular Dementia. His dad's easy compared to dealing with my mom's personality disorder. My dad is well-cared for at the nursing home, which frees me to pursue auxillary matters. There are plenty, as you surely are aware. Caregiving is more than just hands on, and we're so blessed to have help with that part. It frees us to enjoy our weekly, and sometimes daily visits with both dads. They smile when they see us coming, and are either tired or sad to see us go. Their nine year old grandson is the other bright spot.
My mom is real abusive towards me, but wants to hug my son. Since I'm not longer her guardian, and not under her manipulative control, I have thought to tell her, "No hugging my boy, if you won't be nice to me." After all, why should I trust her with him, if I can't trust my own mother with me? It's sad, but we need some sort of boundaries, and I sure don't want to sacrifice my son to a mean-spirited, bitter mother. Any thoughts?
I do not believe that technically or legally your mother can change her will now that she has a guardian because having one means that she has been declared mentally incompetent to conduct her own affairs in a businesslike manner. Check with a lawyer, but I beleive her days of doing legal and otherwise business are over.
No, her debt is not yours. The pg should be addressing her debt problem with her assests and getting a reputable debt reduction service to work with them in resolving that debt. If anything, your mother's debt upon her death will become your dad's if it is not removed before she dies. Please don't pay off anymore of her debt for that is not nor was it ever your responsibility.
My dad is a perfectionist and verbally abusive, but that is not the entire story of my journey which really does not belong on this thread, but could be shared by e-mail. God has been good to me in providing substitute parents as well as substitute siblings along my journey for me to be where I am today. My substitute family is still intact and I contact them from time to time.