Last night, hours into my search for understanding, I found your post. You might have saved me from making the biggest mistake in my life, moving in with the 91 year old three year old that I've been parenting for decades. What? Sorry if that was confusing:)She's 91, I'm 66. And, yes, she's emotionally 3 and I'm feeling like 100. Thank you for shining a whole lot of light on my self-sacrificing (codependent) life. I got a grip! LOL If I've had such a hard time setting and keeping boundaries when we live miles apart, how was I thinking I'd do it from her guest bedroom?? When I wake up tomorrow, I'm turning her over to God (again) and focusing on myself and my recovery. Bless you all.
It not so much about winning, loosing or getting them to change. It becomes more how to protect ourselves with boundaries and not personalize their issues which have been so abusive since childhood. I don't think anyone should put down any adult child of a parent with a pesonality disoder that just frankly finds it beyond them to do much or anything at all. I think people like neonwocky are a miracle when you think of all she's been through. I know that it's different for those who grew up with such parents like my wife and her sister did, but mine were never that far out abd frankly I've never met such a man hating woman who talks equality but can only relate with males that she can control and enslave as if they were little boys. Anyone with good inlaws should thank God for them every day. The rest of us know where the inlaw jokes come from. For several years I was just too nice a person and too good of a Christian with that borderline queen/which until I'd had enough and put my foot down about her involvement in our lives, in our trips going on vacations and in our house. After 10 years, I kicked the b___ out. I am sorry for whatever her brothers did to her, but she does not have to hate all men for her entire life because of it.
Crowemagnum you are exactly right and what makes it especially difficult is when those personality types become seniors. It makes it so hard, and that is why I get so tired of those who say I owe my parents because they raised me, etc. My dad was a dad to me. He ran interference and he took a lot of it away from me. But when he had his stroke, and Alzheimer's kicked in.... he can't defend himself anymore. Mom took control even more so. The AL staff even tries to get dad to do activities or separate the too, but mom thinks for him, barks orders at him and is just miserable.
I learned boundaries at 40 years of age. It is not easy, but it is necessary in order to keep our sanity. Crowe, one statement that caught my attention, that being too nice a person and too good a Christian.... I will tell you this, Christianity is NOT for wimps!! It is tough to set boundaries out of love and it is tough to sometimes say no when you know its for a person's well being and your own health. I've been called many things and expletives for putting boundaries in place in my life, but I would not trade them for the world.
I'm sorry to hear about you having to throw her out. That honestly breaks my heart that someone has to go to that extreme and lose out. As a Christian, once you get past the anger, you need to pray for her. She needs help and it won't be from you it will come straight from God.
With my deepest prayers and heartfelt sympathies.... just go before God and guard your own heart at this point.
Thank you for your supportive words. I was 45 when I first began to learn about boundaries for I was at the end of my rope both personally and professionally and wanted my life back but could not even define that if that makes any sense at all.
In terms of kicking the queen/witch out, it was more out of visiting us in our house or going with us on vacations, forging my wife's name on CD to launder her money so we would have to pay taxes on it which she would give us money for.
To get my point accross to my wife who did not keep with our agreed upon boundaries concerning her mother, I had to leave my house with the boys for three nights and days as a consequnce for that boundary being broken. It only got broken one more time, but for things started to change for the better. As my therapist told me, when a man leaves his home with his children it is a more powerful statement than when a woman leaves because men tend not to be willing to leave their stuff etc. I don't know about that because I've often felt like I've been both dad and mom to these boys as well as sometime the dad my wife never had and sometimes a complete role reversal as if I was the wife. I know what that sounds like but it's the truth and people like my sister in law and close friends have made the same observations.
I guess that I should of said that I was being too good of a Southern Gentleman and from what I've seen in churches there are plenty of good Christian wimps and wimpers who will not stand up to dominating mean people who want to run the show and control with their money or their personality or both.
I never learned boundaries earlier or tend to my own needs for my single parent mother was very intrusive into my life and met her own emotional needs through me instead of meeting my emotional needs which she admited to later in 1986.
She told me that she knew that the way she raised me "my dad called it a pink pillow" would cause me a lot of pain in life but that she could not help it. She also tried very hard but unsuccessfully to keep my dad out of my life and constantly ran him down. He's not perfect but he's been the better of the two.
I am glad you had a good dad and sorry that you lost his protection. Sad to say but my father in law was not able to protect his twin girls, but he did raise one more than the other and she is much more like him.
I think that at this point my 78 year old m-n-l is beyond prayer, even prayer and fasting for as much as we would love to see a miracle take place in these people with a personaility disorder unless they get therapy, right meds and work hard for years like my wife has then nothing is going to change. So instead of being focused so much on her and her illness or even my wife illnesses, I focus more on my own health and the boys to the extend if anyone choses the same path fine and if they don't fine, but I'm tired of giving up the me that God made me to be a martyr for a bottomless pit of a personality disorder that is never filled!
Well, I've gotten that out and am on a roll even though I have had my bipolar med for the second half of the day.
That is exactly right. The only difference is I never lose hope with mom, but I'm also a realist. God designed me that way. I do my chores for my mother at AL and so forth, dad gets easily distracted from me, so there isn't much time there. I used to get really bothered when mom would feel like a "mom" and then hurt me so severely like wishing I was dead. My God-given counselor (truly), told me one thing that changed my thinking... "You can't get blood from a stone."
Only God can do that. I never lose hope for mom. So much so, that the story is too long to tell, but my counselor and I discovered that God was moving him to go do sessions with my mother on-site at the AL. Deep down I know that this counselor is mom's last chance. God is going to look at mom face to face one day (if she chooses not to heal), and say, "___, how many chances were you given? I gave you a good life, family and provisions. __, what have you done?"
God calls us to love, and sometimes that love is defined very clearly with sacrifice in the scriptures. But God has given each of us a purpose, and we can very easily get wrapped up and distracted from that purpose and that is where there is a fine line.
My Mom's still punishing me for being born. She's the meanest, cruelest person I've personally encountered, and sacrifices the ones she loves to self. It's all about her, and berating and accusing others, or choosing friends who cater to her whims. They don't know how she treats her family. What's up with that?
For the longest time, she had me convinced that I was the problem, but this just isn't reality. The weirdest thing is, others see her as "lovely." I certainly don't understand that, and never will. She is manipulator and playactor, and everyone else her stage production. Can't imagine how that feels. Soon, a court-appointed Guardian will take over. They will play her, spend her money "caring" for her needs. I didn't, and have no regrets. Just waiting to be free, and hoping that I learn something from this, though I don't know what that might be. I guess I just forget about loving someone who only wants to hate. I gave and gave and got stabbed in the back for loving. At least God saw my efforts. A wonderful relative did, too, and sent a huge (did I say huge?) monetary blessing, and we are planning a long-dreamed of vacation across country to spend some time with healthy people. She'll still be complaining to anyone who will listen.
Even though she's been this way all my life, I still don't understand. How can she be so convincing to others? Why do they think she's "lovely"? I think she's vulnerable, and about to get taken advantage of. That will not be a good day, but she won't see it coming or understand it when it does. And I won't be able to help her, as her new Guardian has designs, too. Her "witnesses" have set her up for the great heist, and she thinks they have her best interests at heart.
Dad escaped through Alzheimer's. I'll just drive away. I'll have to remember to send a post card.
I hear your pain and it sounds like you are at a breaking point. One of the best definitions of BPD is they have the ability to create a tornado and then step inside of it as if they were the victim. Now while I may be wrong using the label borderline personality disorder,but from what I'm reading it is either that or narcissistic personality disorder which is very similar.
My suggestion once to someone to look for an online support group specifically for someone in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder was not to silence the person or send them away, but to offer a resource that I've found useful. For example, at BPDCentral.com, there are several online groups to chose from. For example, A group for people age 18 and over who have or who had a parent with borderline personality disorder. I would think this group would be a possibility for an adult child of an aging parent or parent in law whom we think or know has borderline personality disorder. The other groups connected to that site are for people either staying married to or leaving someone with BPD or parents whose children have BPD or a sibling of someone with BPD. While there are books like surviving the Borderline Parents that's for adult children and other books like Stop Walking on Eggshells, what I'm hearing from you is that things are the past the point of reading anything and the more support you can find from people who understand "in real time' what it's like to relate with such sick individuals is what your heart is crying out for.
Yes, we are taught to keep silent and it enraged my mother in law greatly that my wife even spent time talking with a teacher in elementary school for fear that the truth might get out. Like myself, we are taught to not really pay any attention to our own needs for we are to be focused on others entirely and we learn to swallow our feelings, etc.
I've seen the sister game where one tries to stay the good child and paint the other as the bad one that mom is right to be angry with. I've also seen the game where they make their spouse and children endure their BPD parent for the sake of getting an inheritance one day and excuse it all by saying they were too afraid to stand up to their sick parent because you know how mean they can be while the rest of us put up with the dam meanness. Go figure how a spouse and mother can justify that in her head, not to mention the collarteral damage to her marriage and children which no inheritance is worth nor will repair. And I'm talking about very religious people who read their devotionals and Bibles every morning and every night, go to church faithfully and my mother in law is a pastor's child, and they are all so __ concerned about appearing normal when they are not. How the love of God can abide is such sick people, I do not believe.
You got it seetheart, unfortunately people think they are in control LOL NOT! Give it to God do not worry. cling to your stabilizers you know sometimes even tho men like a strong woman they need to be needed to not a hanger on just a snuggle a I love you I need you to hold me something like that. I am having a bad day and you're what i need to make it better, It make them feel like you are not so deep in cregiving someone else but that they are an important part of your life, Men are not so different from woman and there is a man at my church everytime I talk to him he has to insert well with the women I've dealt with, so finally this past Sunday I said you know what? I'm sick of your conversation about women, first you don't know me, second I've been married to my husband for 38 years, and as far as I'm concerned you aren't a man you are just another person so stop it already. I hope he got the poiint.
aha a v8 it is also a light bulb moment ey? You're on the right path you're learning bits and pieces. Rome wasn't built in a day I think it took centuries LOL. /take some time for you go to calgon country paint your nails play your favorite music, have a cup of peach or green tea. R E L A X SIT IN THE SUNSHINE, TALK TO THE lORD WE HAVE RELATIONSHIPS HERE ON EARTH AND WE TALK TO EACH OTHER WHEN YOU SPEND TIME TALKING TO gOD YOUR RELATION SHIP GROWS AS WELL AS YOUR KNOWLEDFE hE KNOWS WHATS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE, Sorry just looked up and caps were on not shouting stupid broken finger still hasn't healed LOL anyway I love you and so do lots of others we are here for you and for once listen to your hubby He loves you lots.
My two cents is that sometimes we just need to quit focusing on the problem. Set our boundaries, and give it to God. It is not about being silent when you set the boundaries. But sometimes when we talk too much, we can talk the problem into existence, and if not that bad (not saying our NPD parent's are not), but it can make it worse and bring life to just the words.
So I try not to dwell on it. What I have discovered is that there are times I go to the top of the mountain in the best that I can do. Mom is ALWAYS going to find a new level (even as we speak). It is just something that is part of life.
The key is I do not have to accept it. I pray for mom, get her the help that I can (a counselor at this point), and pray that mom makes her choice and "chooses" to change.
Beyond that, I have to live my life and answer to God for it. No one else can be a part of that. I realize I cannot get blood from a stone (even for mom at 78 yrs old), and I have a Daddy (God), who knows me best and provides in ways that mom never can.
Imw124, I found one statement to be particularly interesting. "I am trying to keep peace with my sister, as that is the only place where I can live now, had to give up the apartment as I am broke from her talking me into overspending and I am on disability."
In your statement you say from her talking you into.... sweetheart, she can't make you do anything when you allow her to do it. That was a choice you made based on whatever points.
The important point is it is never too late to set boundaries. With our parents getting older, there are a lot of fears that go on because there are some drastic changes in lifestyle and myths that hang around about nursing homes, etc.
I think its important that you define what a mental problem or seek the assistance of a doctor/mental health professional. It is a very fine line to cross as we deal with our elderly parent.
Just remember that we still owe our parents to HONOR them, but we do not have to be a doormat. How each of us chooses to honor our parents is an individual choice. Do the best that you can and do it with a heart of compassion.
Take care of you and there's always someone here that will have a heart that joins you.
I learned boundaries at 40 years of age. It is not easy, but it is necessary in order to keep our sanity. Crowe, one statement that caught my attention, that being too nice a person and too good a Christian.... I will tell you this, Christianity is NOT for wimps!! It is tough to set boundaries out of love and it is tough to sometimes say no when you know its for a person's well being and your own health. I've been called many things and expletives for putting boundaries in place in my life, but I would not trade them for the world.
I'm sorry to hear about you having to throw her out. That honestly breaks my heart that someone has to go to that extreme and lose out. As a Christian, once you get past the anger, you need to pray for her. She needs help and it won't be from you it will come straight from God.
With my deepest prayers and heartfelt sympathies.... just go before God and guard your own heart at this point.
Thank you for your supportive words. I was 45 when I first began to learn about boundaries for I was at the end of my rope both personally and professionally and wanted my life back but could not even define that if that makes any sense at all.
In terms of kicking the queen/witch out, it was more out of visiting us in our house or going with us on vacations, forging my wife's name on CD to launder her money so we would have to pay taxes on it which she would give us money for.
To get my point accross to my wife who did not keep with our agreed upon boundaries concerning her mother, I had to leave my house with the boys for three nights and days as a consequnce for that boundary being broken. It only got broken one more time, but for things started to change for the better. As my therapist told me, when a man leaves his home with his children it is a more powerful statement than when a woman leaves because men tend not to be willing to leave their stuff etc. I don't know about that because I've often felt like I've been both dad and mom to these boys as well as sometime the dad my wife never had and sometimes a complete role reversal as if I was the wife. I know what that sounds like but it's the truth and people like my sister in law and close friends have made the same observations.
I guess that I should of said that I was being too good of a Southern Gentleman and from what I've seen in churches there are plenty of good Christian wimps and wimpers who will not stand up to dominating mean people who want to run the show and control with their money or their personality or both.
I never learned boundaries earlier or tend to my own needs for my single parent mother was very intrusive into my life and met her own emotional needs through me instead of meeting my emotional needs which she admited to later in 1986.
She told me that she knew that the way she raised me "my dad called it a pink pillow" would cause me a lot of pain in life but that she could not help it. She also tried very hard but unsuccessfully to keep my dad out of my life and constantly ran him down. He's not perfect but he's been the better of the two.
I am glad you had a good dad and sorry that you lost his protection. Sad to say but my father in law was not able to protect his twin girls, but he did raise one more than the other and she is much more like him.
I think that at this point my 78 year old m-n-l is beyond prayer, even prayer and fasting for as much as we would love to see a miracle take place in these people with a personaility disorder unless they get therapy, right meds and work hard for years like my wife has then nothing is going to change. So instead of being focused so much on her and her illness or even my wife illnesses, I focus more on my own health and the boys to the extend if anyone choses the same path fine and if they don't fine, but I'm tired of giving up the me that God made me to be a martyr for a bottomless pit of a personality disorder that is never filled!
Well, I've gotten that out and am on a roll even though I have had my bipolar med for the second half of the day.
Only God can do that. I never lose hope for mom. So much so, that the story is too long to tell, but my counselor and I discovered that God was moving him to go do sessions with my mother on-site at the AL. Deep down I know that this counselor is mom's last chance. God is going to look at mom face to face one day (if she chooses not to heal), and say, "___, how many chances were you given? I gave you a good life, family and provisions. __, what have you done?"
God calls us to love, and sometimes that love is defined very clearly with sacrifice in the scriptures. But God has given each of us a purpose, and we can very easily get wrapped up and distracted from that purpose and that is where there is a fine line.
Take it easy and care for those children!!
For the longest time, she had me convinced that I was the problem, but this just isn't reality. The weirdest thing is, others see her as "lovely." I certainly don't understand that, and never will. She is manipulator and playactor, and everyone else her stage production. Can't imagine how that feels. Soon, a court-appointed Guardian will take over. They will play her, spend her money "caring" for her needs. I didn't, and have no regrets. Just waiting to be free, and hoping that I learn something from this, though I don't know what that might be. I guess I just forget about loving someone who only wants to hate. I gave and gave and got stabbed in the back for loving. At least God saw my efforts. A wonderful relative did, too, and sent a huge (did I say huge?) monetary blessing, and we are planning a long-dreamed of vacation across country to spend some time with healthy people. She'll still be complaining to anyone who will listen.
Even though she's been this way all my life, I still don't understand. How can she be so convincing to others? Why do they think she's "lovely"? I think she's vulnerable, and about to get taken advantage of. That will not be a good day, but she won't see it coming or understand it when it does. And I won't be able to help her, as her new Guardian has designs, too. Her "witnesses" have set her up for the great heist, and she thinks they have her best interests at heart.
Dad escaped through Alzheimer's. I'll just drive away. I'll have to remember to send a post card.
I hear your pain and it sounds like you are at a breaking point. One of the best definitions of BPD is they have the ability to create a tornado and then step inside of it as if they were the victim. Now while I may be wrong using the label borderline personality disorder,but from what I'm reading it is either that or narcissistic personality disorder which is very similar.
My suggestion once to someone to look for an online support group specifically for someone in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder was not to silence the person or send them away, but to offer a resource that I've found useful. For example, at BPDCentral.com, there are several online groups to chose from. For example, A group for people age 18 and over who have or who had a parent with borderline personality disorder. I would think this group would be a possibility for an adult child of an aging parent or parent in law whom we think or know has borderline personality disorder. The other groups connected to that site are for people either staying married to or leaving someone with BPD or parents whose children have BPD or a sibling of someone with BPD. While there are books like surviving the Borderline Parents that's for adult children and other books like Stop Walking on Eggshells, what I'm hearing from you is that things are the past the point of reading anything and the more support you can find from people who understand "in real time' what it's like to relate with such sick individuals is what your heart is crying out for.
Yes, we are taught to keep silent and it enraged my mother in law greatly that my wife even spent time talking with a teacher in elementary school for fear that the truth might get out. Like myself, we are taught to not really pay any attention to our own needs for we are to be focused on others entirely and we learn to swallow our feelings, etc.
I've seen the sister game where one tries to stay the good child and paint the other as the bad one that mom is right to be angry with. I've also seen the game where they make their spouse and children endure their BPD parent for the sake of getting an inheritance one day and excuse it all by saying they were too afraid to stand up to their sick parent because you know how mean they can be while the rest of us put up with the dam meanness. Go figure how a spouse and mother can justify that in her head, not to mention the collarteral damage to her marriage and children which no inheritance is worth nor will repair. And I'm talking about very religious people who read their devotionals and Bibles every morning and every night, go to church faithfully and my mother in law is a pastor's child, and they are all so __ concerned about appearing normal when they are not. How the love of God can abide is such sick people, I do not believe.
aha a v8 it is also a light bulb moment ey? You're on the right path you're learning bits and pieces. Rome wasn't built in a day I think it took centuries LOL. /take some time for you go to calgon country paint your nails play your favorite music, have a cup of peach or green tea. R E L A X SIT IN THE SUNSHINE, TALK TO THE lORD WE HAVE RELATIONSHIPS HERE ON EARTH AND WE TALK TO EACH OTHER WHEN YOU SPEND TIME TALKING TO gOD YOUR RELATION SHIP GROWS AS WELL AS YOUR KNOWLEDFE hE KNOWS WHATS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE, Sorry just looked up and caps were on not shouting stupid broken finger still hasn't healed LOL anyway I love you and so do lots of others we are here for you and for once listen to your hubby He loves you lots.
So I try not to dwell on it. What I have discovered is that there are times I go to the top of the mountain in the best that I can do. Mom is ALWAYS going to find a new level (even as we speak). It is just something that is part of life.
The key is I do not have to accept it. I pray for mom, get her the help that I can (a counselor at this point), and pray that mom makes her choice and "chooses" to change.
Beyond that, I have to live my life and answer to God for it. No one else can be a part of that. I realize I cannot get blood from a stone (even for mom at 78 yrs old), and I have a Daddy (God), who knows me best and provides in ways that mom never can.
Great news!! :)
In your statement you say from her talking you into.... sweetheart, she can't make you do anything when you allow her to do it. That was a choice you made based on whatever points.
The important point is it is never too late to set boundaries. With our parents getting older, there are a lot of fears that go on because there are some drastic changes in lifestyle and myths that hang around about nursing homes, etc.
I think its important that you define what a mental problem or seek the assistance of a doctor/mental health professional. It is a very fine line to cross as we deal with our elderly parent.
Just remember that we still owe our parents to HONOR them, but we do not have to be a doormat. How each of us chooses to honor our parents is an individual choice. Do the best that you can and do it with a heart of compassion.
Take care of you and there's always someone here that will have a heart that joins you.
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