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Hello everyone! I found this forum yesterday and I'm glad to be here, it is nice to see that I'm not alone in this.

I am 49 and I live with my husband and nine year old son. My mom is 86 and living alone in an apartment nearby. Both my parents were alcoholics, my dad died from alcoholism in 1984 when I was 19. My mom quit drinking a year later (for which I give her tremendous credit!) but she has been severely depressed her entire life. My parents had a horrible relationship and my childhood was filled with screaming, fights, and suicide threats. Mom attempted suicide when I was 13, and has threatened it many, many times ever since.

My mom is very passive aggressive and demands lots of attention. She has the emotional maturity level of a four year old. Her parents were cold and uncaring, and she has never gotten over this, nor has she even tried (despite years of counseling). She put me in the parental role very early in my life, and it remains this way today. She even calls me "mommy" at times.

Mom cannot maintain a relationship with anyone, she's totally closed off. She will make a new friend, and within three weeks she finds a flaw with that person and ends the relationship. In the case where she doesn't end the friendship, her selfish demeanor turns the person off and it ends anyway. Then she turns back to me and tells me how lonely she is and how she wants to die. She makes this kind of comment in front of my nine year old.

Mom is in good physical health but recently she has developed dementia. We hired a caregiver for her, someone to come to her house twice per week to help with tasks and keep her company. As usual, after about three weeks mom was tired of having this person come in and asked us to cancel the service. The very next day, she again called me to say how lonely and depressed she was, and asked to come over. When she comes over here, she only talks about her depressing childhood. Often she will bring photos. She typically doesn't even ask about anyone else, including her grandson, my nine year old.

When mom comes in the house, her negativity is like an enormous, smothering black cloud. I count my heartbeats until she leaves. After she leaves, I feel tremendous guilt and sadness. There is nothing I can do to improve her mood, yet the childish part of me still hopes somehow I can do something. It is up to her to find a shred of happiness, but she refuses, and now that she is getting dementia, I fear she can never have that "aha" moment. This leaves me so terribly sad and if affects my family too.

Mom is on Paxil and Klonopin, and just got Buspar too (after insisting to the doctor that she is STILL depressed/anxious). She can't keep these medicines straight and often takes too many or just lets them run out over the weekend when she can't get a refill quickly. Then she makes one of her crazy visits or phone calls to my house.

I quite literally cannot stand her anymore. I'm engulfed with guilt and sadness but I can't stand the sight of her or bear the sound of her voice. She won't let us do anything for her (hire help). Yet she insists on continuing to vomit negativity over us all. Ironically, despite the suicide threats and spoken desire to die, she still asserts that she wants to live to be 100, and she is careful about what she buys in the grocery store, making sure the ingredients are healthy.

She is a walking conundrum and I am a mess. Advice? Thanks so much if you've read this far! I'm glad to have found this forum.

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Thank you for your reply! Yes you are right, I am codependent. That is an issue I have been working on, I have read some books, but counseling would probably be helpful for me and I will look into it. As my mom gets further into her dementia, she is becoming increasingly more clingy, needy and dramatic (leaving five messages in a row, begging me to pick up the phone, because she "needs to hear my voice") and this is triggering a lot of unresolved issues for me from the past. It is terrible that as she gets more physically and emotionally needy, I feel a stronger desire to detach from her, based mainly on my unresolved issues from my childhood.

Luckily my husband has been very helpful, and we've agreed I can no longer visit her on my own, the dysfunction and emotional vampirism is too painful. Mom has stated she doesn't want anyone to come into her home and help her, but I really think she needs it. The dementia is progressing quickly and she falls sometimes in her apartment. I suppose we can't force her? At what point can we make the command decision that she needs help or needs to move to a facility?
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Thank you very much, Nana. You are of course right, I do need to get healthy for myself, and there's no time like the present. I will look into that right away, because this situation isn't going to improve, is it? Thank you for sharing your insights on codependence, that was helpful.
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My goodness you have your hands full. I am sorry for this and for the horrible situation you are in. My mother is not an alcoholic but has the same issues you describe with depression (untreated) and emotional neediness. Her parents divorced when she was 11 years old and she was awarded to her emotionally void father. She also told me he tried to molest her when she was 14 but she threatened to tell her mom and he stopped. I am not sure this is true but would explain some of her problems.

We can not heal these unfortunate people. It is beyond our capabilities. You have to distance yourself emotionally and possibly physically in order to survive. She, like my mother, is damaged. Nothing we can do except to look out for ourselves because we have never had the mothers we needed. I am glad you asked for advice. I am sure you will get a lot.
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Thank you palmtrees... yes the issue for me is distancing myself emotionally and also starting to try to heal my past, while at the same time deal with her escalating physical and emotional neediness. I feel a little better after my husband and I agreed (this morning) that I must never visit her by myself again. But it's looking like a very rough ride is ahead... I am going to get counseling for myself for sure, no matter what else happens.

She is so needy now... and with the dementia, she is living quite a bit of the time in 1935... I think her dearest desire would be to go back and be re-mothered, by a loving mother. I predict it is only a short time until she starts actually calling me "mommy" and really meaning it... it will be the dementia talking, but I will be so utterly repulsed. She has asked me to mother her in various ways since I was a child, including laying her head in my lap when I was 12 and asking me to stroke her hair while she cried. Ugh, I'm so done, but it's going to get worse, I know it.
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Very important for 9 year old to see you healthy so he does not become a co-dependant as well. so you continue to get free!
I've seen dementia progress very rapidly with people having alcoholism. My friend's mother's has dementia and now forgets she even drank alcohol. The self medication your mother did kept her from dealing with the pain of her childhood. Once she stopped drinking, she had to deal with the memories. Many people bury their anger which turns into depression. She too kept firing the aide which lead her next into an assisted living/ then memory care. Her hygeine was astrocious. If she can not take her medication properly some intervention needs to be done. It seems like she needs a new evaluation/ meds if others are not working. You also need to set your boundaries on what you will allow/won't allow in front of your son which is a healthy move......
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Excellent answer, norestfortheweary. That makes sense that it would progress more quickly in a prior alcoholic, I hadn't thought of that. My mother has medicated her problems since long before my birth. My earliest memories are of her drinking, taking pills, and crying... often leaving me and my brother alone while she went somewhere (sometimes just to sleep/cry in the car) all night. Lots of abandonment issues for me, as well as not wanting to be her mother, as I can never correct the wrongs that she perceived happened to her. She is indeed a deeply damaged person.

I am, believe it or not, quite a happy person. I have great friendships, a loving husband and the best son a woman could ask for, he's smart, funny, intuitive and so loving. He takes all of this in stride, but he's seen her at her worst unfortunately (including a recent dramatic "I want to kill myself" scene in our living room). I really don't want to have her over here anymore, and have my son see her act like that. She just stops by randomly when she feels the most needy. She definitely shouldn't be driving anymore, so I need to figure out how to get her to stop...
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Google: Detaching with Love. Then, define your boundaries so your home is the place you go to be safe. I invite you over to the caregivers of dysfunctional families board too. We are a very understanding group with zero judgement and interesting sense of what's funny. :-)

For one reason or another, almost all of us over at Dys. Fams. have had to deal with a parent very similar to what you describe. Some almost exactly, so you will find kindred spirits.

It seems like everyone has to do two things: deal with the rational facts of planning mom's care into the future and who is doing what, arranging paperwork, doctors, medicine, and finances. Second is deal with the emotional baggage which is a much bigger job, so you come out the other side of this as intact as possible.

I had to have a boundary that my mom will absolutely not live with us. Nearly a month of it proved that point more than enough. Never again.

I decided to move my mom to the state I live in, not her home state, as there is noone else in the family to take care of her. I decided against putting her in a regular apartment so that she'd already be in a place equipped to deal with seniors, their medical problems, and dementia. When a change has happened is no time to be out looking for a new place to go. My goal for her there is safety. That's it. Not happiness, not joining activities, not making friends, not taking field trips. Just being safe from herself and bad people in the world.

Now that I am grown, she does not get to treat me like she did when I was a child under her thumb. Let me strongly encourage the healing power of therapy. Even a little can go a long way. She tries to push my buttons, and sometimes it happens, but I have the power now. She can't bully me and prevent me from getting away. I will come & go from her place as I wish, and if she's ugly to me, I go.

Mom does not come into my home. I was sad about her missing the holidays, the tree, the food, the family times, but I had to remember she never liked any of that anyway. The price we'd pay for bringing her over was way too high. So, I let that go and Grandma does not come visit. Nobody is crying any tears over it.

The way you can get her to stop driving is to talk to her doctor. Report her as an unsafe driver to the DMV and police department. My mom's new doctor helped out on her first visit with him, without me having to do anything other than request a handicap parking tag for my car, when we drive her around, so she wouldn't have to anymore (HINT HINT). He checked a box on the form that said she wasn't capable of operating a motor vehicle. He's brilliant. Other doctors might need a bigger clue. It's best when it comes from the doctor and not you. Nobody's parent (well I supposed there could be somebody out there who is the exception), but generally nobody's parent reacts with "Yipee! I've so been looking forward to the day I can stop driving and stay in!", so just expect a reaction and be prepared to weather it.

Best of luck to you and please keep dropping in to keep us posted! We're all stronger together.
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Thank you soooooo much, sandwich42... I will definitely join the DysFam board, wow do I need that! I'm so glad to read your words, my mom also hates Christmas and without fail she makes it miserable for everyone in every way possible (meaning the most depressing way possible). Wow, can I relate.

I'd love to move her somewhere similar to what you mentioned, before this gets any worse. I have no idea where to even start looking. Assisted Living facilities seem to cost $4,000 per month so that's out. What types of facilities can we look at, besides a nursing home? She has some money invested and lives from the interest (and Social Security), so would they drain that money? How does it work? Thanks in advance for any advice, and just thanks for your supportive words.
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You've had a lot of suggestions so I'll only add a little--it might be worthwhile to find a counselor who could assist you in using a little behavior modification with your mom-- (someone above and beyond who you find for working on the issues that are hurting you so much from your childhood!). But it might be possible to use some rewards for better behavior so she doesn't keep hurting you. You're very lucky to have the support of your husband, he sounds great.

Perhaps it's possible to get power of attorney (?with elder care lawyer) and the ability to move your mother where it would be helpful for her. If you could have the caregiver for her as you'd tried, (who could keep working despite your mother's reactions), that would be good for you all. You then would have more control over medications and her safety.

Have you tried the local/state/national organizations for Alzheimers/Dementia, state level government agencies like the Area Agencies on Aging, or state agencies for the elderly? Plus on the national level, they have search engines/websites that could point you to any available programs/help. Don't get too hopeful--I've found programs that might be described are not always available, but you can try!

Don't get overloaded with all this; just take it step by step as you are able.
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You poor honey...you need to talk to her doctor about her rapidly deteriorating condition and what kinds of facilities may be appropriate. Do you have POA, advanced health care directive, etc? these are vital. YOU need a good therapist ASAP; you need to take care of yourself for the road ahead. Remember that the important people in this journey are your 9 year old, your husband and yourself (not in that order--you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first!). Find a caring facility that has great activites; ignore the negativity and make sure that you live your life. You'll regret it if you don't. Hugs from Brooklyn NYC
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Thanks so much, everyone. This is helping me, so much. I'm not sure how to go about finding an appropriate facility, and how to get her into one, when she is lucid enough to voice her opposition? What do you suggest, where do I even start? I spoke to her doctor last week and she was not helpful in the slightest, other than agreeing I should seek counseling for myself.

Today I took my dog for a walk for 15 minutes, and returned home to five phone messages, each increasingly desperate for me to call her back. "PLEEEEEEASE pick up the phone..." kinda thing. I called back, and she said "I just needed to hear your voice, you're my angel, I'm so depressed, you make me feel better." Ew, I'm so tired of having the job of making her feel better. I can't even argue with her anymore, she's far beyond "getting it" at this point. Her selfishness is overwhelming. How does one begin to heal when the source of pain is increasing geometrically on a daily basis???
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Btw this "I need you to make me feel better" thing isn't new, not caused by the dementia, it has ALWAYS been there. She has ALWAYS used me to vent about her crappy childhood, as far back as my earliest memories (when I was age four-ish?). The dementia is just adding a whole new dimension of insanity and urgency to it. It turns my stomach so badly now.
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Google "parentified child"
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Thank you ba8alou, I do know I am a "parentified child," but I googled it anyway and it took me to a very good resource on personality disorders called "Out Of The Fog." I'm going to spend a little time perusing this website.

I do feel that my mom has a personality disorder, and I have purchased several books on the topic in my search to figure it out, but I've never been able to fully put her into any specific category. I suppose not everyone fits the mold exactly. But what I have learned is that personality-disordered people exhibit two main qualities: 1. the total lack of real empathy, even when their actions are disguised as "loving," and 2. the continued use of the same ineffective and maladaptive coping mechanisms, and the inability to tailor their reactions to different situations. In mom's case, check and check. *sigh*
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Chimpazilla, when I was reading the things you wrote, one of the first things that came to my mind is that your mother has borderline personality disorder with a lot of dependency issues. My mother is the same way. I've not been able to find any way to deal with her personality. As weak as it seems, it is powerful and firmly entrenched. The only thing I can do is pull myself back from it and try not to get sucked into the pool of negativity.

You have gotten such good advice that I don't know if I can add much more without just repeating everyone. My mother is seriously borderline with dementia and depends on me completely for just about everything. The way that I save myself is to keep myself totally separate emotionally. I know I can't fix her, so I don't even try. I just make sure she is safe and has good food. I do wish I could have a mother who is a good friend, but I know that isn't going to happen. She left her children emotionally when we were young. She cooked dinner, but we were pretty much left to fend for ourselves as she grappled with her "nerves."

I am so glad that she has not cast me in the Mommy role. That would drive me crazy. I don't know how you deal with that. I think a therapist would be good in learning how to turn that around so your mother quits doing it to you. Dependency is one thing, but making you into her parent is too much.

One thing that helps me when I'm feeling ashamed or guilty because I'm not being a better daughter is to remind myself that it is not me, it is her. I first heard these comforting words from an aunt who passed away. She told her daughter to tell me that it wasn't me, it was my mother. She had always been difficult. Hearing that from someone else helped me so much. It was like my feelings had finally been validated by someone who wasn't being paid.

IMO, borderline PD is harder to deal with than complete narcissism. Totally narcissistic people are going to be that way, so you know you're dealing with someone that sees only themselves. Borderline people are also narcissistic, but their personality wavers from narcissism to sweetness. It can be totally crazy making. I have a feeling you are going through many of the same things I've gone through for 4 years, only yours sounds worse. There are other people here dealing with narcissistic and borderline parents, so you are in good company.
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Thank you, JessieBelle! These replies today have been like gold to me, I feel better today than I have in a very long time, to be able to share these experiences and even make light of them a little is very healing. I feel a little stronger and a little more in control today!

I have tried to classify my mom but can't. She's not really borderline, not really narcissistic... probably more histrionic (dramatic), but also passive aggressive, very VERY depressed and also hugely manipulative. I'm not sure how that all fits together, but she does have those two qualities (lack of real empathy, and unchanging, maladaptive coping behaviors). Together with dementia, it's getting really ugly.

I know the coming months won't be great. I will be hanging around here for sure, as I try to cope and heal. I want to thank every one of you who replied to me today, these words have helped me so very much. I feel supported and validated for the first time maybe ever. I will be able to face this more bravely now.
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I know exactly what you mean. I once described my mother as a mix of every personality disorder in the book. It sounds like yours may be the same. I guess we can just called it Crazy-making PD (CMPD).
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Omg JessieBelle thanks for just making me laugh hard enough to almost spit out my tea. CMPD. That is hilarious and I love it! It is sooooo accurate. {{{hugs}}}
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Chimp, do you have mom's powers of attorney. If not you need to take care of that yesterday. If she does not give them to you the state will determine where she lives and treatment received. Do you have siblings that can help with all you are going through?

When it becomes necessary for mom to move to a facility she will have to spend down her principal to self pay. When that is nearly gone a Medicaid application needs to be prepared. Look for a good elder law attorney to help you with all of this. The website AVVO will allow you to ask attorneys in your area questions, and receive responses at no charge. The site also include client and peer reviews. I found it very helpful in my situation.

Good Luck you are dealing with a lot, that many of us have also gone through. This is a great site for learning and support!
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Ultimately, it doesn't matter *which* personality disorder is or isn't at work with our parents, usually moms. The answer is still the same: therapy, distance, boundaries, and self-care. My mom will never be properly diagnosed at this point, and knowing exactly where she falls on the BPD/Narcissism/Psychosis scale changes nothing about how I have to treat her. I keep her at arms' length, even on "nice" days. I never touch her. "I love you" just won't seem to come out my mouth. I prefer to think my love is in there somewhere, in what I do about 20 hours a week paying bills, tending to her insurance, paperwork, laundry, groceries, etc.

Like someone said, we will never be friends. She's either furious with me or wants something. It will never change. I try to be very business like with her, just to protect myself from harm.

I spent a long time freaking out about where to even begin on this planning, and I'm a professional project manager by trade! So many unknowns!

Get a big plastic file box at the office store, a giant box of folders, and lots of posty notes. You're going to need it. This is where the research and plan is born. I had a binder, which looked sad and pitiful by the time I was done collecting paperwork, titles, deeds, bills, wills, directives, policies, and the like. Be very organized because it pays. Every single thing there is about mom and her affairs is in that box.

Get your hands on every piece of important paper you can and file it. Make placeholders for stuff you don't have yet, so you can fill in the gaps as you go.

Since my mom was totally the passive victim and refused to help plan her future, I had to come up with different options on my own. One plan was to hogtie her, hit her with a hippo sedative, throw her and a brown paper bag of underwear in the car and floor it for 3 days straight to get back here. Another plan involved a state to state moving company, a trash removal guy, boxes, bubble wrap, tape, and time. I was prepared to go in either direction. Some days I wish I'd gone with hippo sedative and brown paper bag. I never considered in-home care for her because she's quite racist, very paranoid, and those people don't deserve what they would have to put up with from my mother. I also didn't opt to put her into assisted living where she was for all the same reasons. There were too many unknowns for my comfort level. I wanted to see the place in person.

Your money does NOT come into play here, whether it's an assisted living place or in-home care. Your mom's finances are all that count. Get durable power of attorney so the bank (and everybody else) will work with you. Prices for senior housing and in-home care vary wildly depending on where you live. Go tour some places nearby. Call around to interview home-health agencies. You have choices. Contact your state's agency on aging to get resources. Take your time to find your choices, so you can evaluate them.

Then be ready to actually execute the plan. I see a lot of people on here who have a decent plan but are stuck at the point of actually doing any of it. Especially if they have other family second guessing & undermining them. Denial is not just a river in Egypt, as they say. I am not one to wait around for a problem to go gangrene before dealing with it. Other people will.

Do the thing that will let you be content with yourself. Not what you think others expect to see, or what that imaginary mom voice says. Do what you can. Don't over commit yourself. Preserve your mom-free safe space at your own home and don't forget to decompress every single day. It's harder to do than it sounds.
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My father was a "functional alcoholic" and now has mild dementia and is in the early stages of Parkinson's at age 82. He is in an Assisted Living facility. Up until just 3 years ago, as the oldest child and only daughter I felt a responsibility to make sure he received the care he needs, took him to all doctor's appointments, etc. He has suffered with major depression for as long as I can remember....... his behavior has always been narcissistic and there was a lot of emotional abuse during my childhood. My brother on the other hand, could do no wrong. My father has basically supported him financially all of his life.(He is 56 years old with a family) After entering Assisted Living, my father made my brother his POA and immediately money began flowing out of my father's accounts into my brother's. I contacted my father's attorney who did her best to audit his accounts. My brother refused to provide any receipts for any expenses.......period. I talked with my father once I was confident about what was happening. He seemed alarmed, asked for my help, and said he had no idea that my brother was taking money from him. My husband and I spent a year and our own money trying to get as accurate an accounting as possible assuming that my father would revoke my brother's POA or his attorney would have the court do so. I was secondary POA so was able to get some information and had to just research and search for the rest. Finally, after months of doing this almost exclusively, my father's attorney was convinced she needed to recommend to him that he revoke my brother's POA and showed him the very disturbing figures. My father is in the last year of his Long Term Health Care policy. When that expires the majority of his expenses will not be covered and he has only a fraction of his financial assets left. My father agreed that the POA needed to be revoked and asked that his attorney be the one to ask my brother first to resign voluntarily. I was present at the meeting when his attorney made the request on my father's behalf. My brother went crazy......he told my dad he was devastated that my father would think so poorly of him etc., etc., etc, My father's response, "Well son, if this is not what YOU want then we will just forget the whole thing." I am not sure there are words to describe how angry, resentful and disgusted I was after trying for such a long time to do whatever I could to protect my father financially. My dad became angry with me and blamed the short lived tension between he and my brother on me.
The result for me was that I no longer wanted to be around my father under any circumstances. I had been manipulated and used and even though I had allowed it to happen, I still thought it was my responsibility to try to protect him from financial disaster because that's simply what you do for an aging parent who is being exploited. So I gave myself a week to get my feet back under me and then went to see my father. I very calmly but firmly explained that I was going to have to distance myself from him for my own well being and would not be available any longer to drive him, bring him things, advocate for him, etc. I told him I felt that under the circumstances it would be best that he not call me with requests but rather start depending on my brother. I was not verbally abusive but completely honest and felt that having that conversation with him instead of just not responding to him any longer was like giving myself permission to detach and move myself away from some very unhealthy dynamics. He wrote me out of his will, revoked my secondary POA and HCPOA and even began to lend money to my brother in addition to what my brother was helping himself to. He refused to listen to his attorney.
Today, I am much healthier emotionally after disconnecting and I will always know that despite what he may choose to say about me to anyone who will listen, I did the right thing and was honest with him about why I simply had to stay away. There are times when we have no choice to draw some very clear boundaries without allowing ourselves to feel guilty or uncaring.
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Mom mentioned awhile back that her will (30 years old) needed to be updated. My husband and I went ahead and updated it, and also did a Living Will and POA, all through Legal Zoom. They are sitting on our kitchen table, waiting to be signed and notarized. Mom expressed to my husband the other day on the phone that she won't sign these documents until I am "nicer to her." This does not mean I have been mean and nasty to her. I speak to her in a civil tone, although sometimes I am direct and frank. What she means by "nice to her" is that she desires to be spoken to in what she refers to as a "friendly tone," which means sugary sweet, "there, there honey" type of tone and language. I ain't got it in me. I'm not like that to begin with, and after years of her begging me for it, I won't ever have it. I don't even do that with my son. (luckily he's a super wonderful, emotionally balanced no-nonsense kinda dude and doesn't require that!)

So, all this talking, thinking, typing, and research into personality disorders is bringing out some memories. Mom has never had empathy for another person or even for animals. I am reminded of how she has treated some of the animals we had as I was growing up. She would get a dog, and not having a clue how to deal with one, relegate that dog to outdoors, forever. We had a sweet little pug who lived outside until she drowned in the pool one night when she was quite old. She came home one day with a St. Bernard puppy that she had no idea how to care for, and she too lived outside unattended, rain or shine. Cats came and went from our home, they were indoor/outdoor so never required a litter box. A few years ago, my husband and I had taken in a stray small dog and nursed him back to health. Mom came for a visit and said she'd like to take him (to cure her loneliness), and we stupidly agreed. I don't know why I thought she suddenly had a clue about how to care for a dog... she convinced me she could. She took him home a few days later on the plane. The very next day, I called to see how her trip was and how the dog was doing. She explained, calmly like it was no big deal, that she felt he was "not a good dog" and was too much to deal with, so she took him to the vet that morning and had him put to sleep. I didn't speak to her for three weeks, funny how you can somehow heal from these awful things and continue the sick relationship.

When I had my son a few years later, she came to visit and "help out" for two weeks. She acted like a bigger baby than my newborn, was envious because she was convinced that I preferred my inlaws to her, and she threatened to go home. I told her she should at that point. She stayed... but continued to make me baby her as well as my son, telling her that yes I loved and needed her. She did nothing to help me.

Yep, some nice memories are surfacing! Whoo, boy. I won't be visiting her anymore without my husband present. Hopefully between the two of us, we can convince her that these legal documents are there for everyone's benefit, including (and especially) my brother, who has almost zero to do with her but definitely would like to have half her money someday.

This was quite a rant, thanks for reading it, and again, thanks so much for this support, my healing is beginning in earnest. It's going to be painful at times, but forward it shall go.
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Sandwich42 that was a really good answer you just gave. I see you still have your sense of humor.
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Chimpazilla, you have some stories that are close to some I have. I did not realize the lack of empathy extends to pets but I should have. My dad passed away while my twins were taking exams in college. Just too hard to miss and make up. So after the funeral my husband and I drove 11 hours home and planned on picking my twins up from college after their exams and driving back up to visit their grandmother. Well, they had two little chi's and planned on bringing them. Mom told me under no circumstances were they to bring those dogs. If they did they would have to tie them up in the yard. Now she lives in the country and coyotes were becoming a problem. My girls had not seen their grandmother in years. But she would not budge and I refused to board th dogs and cost myself another dime. We stayed home. You just jogged my memory.

And all of my poor pets were outdoors, no vet care and barely enough food. Terrible.

You will be very angry for a long time. Talk, read and research the problems narcissistic ( and I am sure your mother is) people cause their relatives. I fought with mom for a few years, nothing changed. I read tons of books and things began to change. I put up boundaries and that has really helped. Time has taught me to let go of something I never had. I truly don't care as much any longer and will not miss her when she is gone.
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Where2turn, "no good deed goes unpunished". Sad but you seem very strong and you did the right thing. There is no way you can get into the head of your father and brother. Whatever you do, do not take your father into your home when his money runs out. That is when he will see your brother disappear. Hang tough. You have been more than kind to your father. Enough is enough.
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Chimp, we have very similar stories. I, too, am 49 and my mom is 86, I have two young adult sons and also a thankfully great and supporting husband of 30 years. While my mother wasn't an alcoholic, she has always been very controlling and narcissistic. Myself and her codependent sister were her "favorites" to dump on, my brother (15 years older than me) had rarely ever seen her true bitter and negative self as she'd put on her best for him, so he was very surprised at this point to learn about his mom's true personality, though her own mother and I had tried to tell him for years how difficult she was. She has very quickly progressed into severe dementia since this past summer, around 6 months. Thankfully she did purchase long term care insurance years ago, her whole life was driven by her finances and she did well for herself. She is now in a residential care home and we are looking into hospice. Though by no choice of my own, we have always been close because she had no one else and couldn't keep friends for very long, though I did get married at 19 just to get out of her house. She was divorced from my father when I was 12, and he later committed suicide when I was 18. I, too, in her sad decline feel guilty for the lack of emotions I carry for her. I am naturally a very optimistic, happy individual, as well as have always been overly emotional dealing with death, but for some reason with my mom I don't have those feelings. It's like I know she will hopefully finally be at peace from her own bitter self after a lifetime of trying to control everyone around her. She, too, even hates the sweet old Labrador and little Maltese that lives in her care home where I would be thrilled to have them around to cheer the place up. Such sad souls that spent their lives being miserable and trying to spread their misery. Don't feel bad about distancing yourself for your own well-being. Your mom can get into assisted living facilities or care homes on her own finances or when they run out the state will pick up from there. I personally wouldn't subject a single caregiver to have to be with my mom alone for any length of time, but her home has about 4 at any given time. I throw myself into enjoying my awesome sons and husband and making relationships with them and friends that she could never manage to do. Many lessons learned from watching her life unfold, and I am most grateful every day at least I didn't inherit either of my parents' miserable personalities. I wish you the very best, and please protect yourself without guilt and focus on the wonderful family you chose to create while finding a way to get your mom the best care she can get without you sacrificing your much-deserved more peaceful and rewarding life with your family. It's okay to choose your family and yourself over pleasing your mom as they will never be grateful for the sacrifices you made.
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sometimes we need to look at what has been happening, in your case for your entire life, not recently because of dementia or other illness. It seems it was not easy to begin with and now it is getting more complicated and demanding. It seems your emotions are affected which is not only not helping mom, it is probably dragging you down with her. I am glad you have a very supportive spouse.
There are several things you CAN do. Tell mom, she needs to have help because you can't help her ALL the time. You can remind her that the help is not coming 7 days a week because she does not like it, but at least whatever you decide, she needs it. This is balancing between her resistance and your need for respite from the situation. It might be 2 days let's say 2 hours now and you might have to increase it, that is why I am saying 'whatever you decide'. If you are providing care, you should be able to choose how much you do it yourself and how much you hire help to get some relief. So you have some control over the situation.
It would be very difficult for Mom to change due to many factors. Expecting her to change is only going to be frustrating for you. Try to shift the focus on you. No matter what, Mom can not dampen your spirits. prepare yourself emotionally so you come in with your 'shield'. Remind yourself you are taking care of your mom who needs your help. You are choosing to help, even though it is not easy. You have a supportive husband. Choose what works for you, to calm yourself - like yoga, walk, meditate to get emotionally stronger. counseling is definitely a good idea.
Setting boundaries is challenging but it can be done. start slowly, with time outs when you can jump when Mom wants you to. Be firm and compassionate when you talk to her afterwards. Try to remind mom that you need your 'time' and live your life. You do not have get into explanations. If mom has dementia, you need to put some things in place, including her medications. If she does not take her meds right, too much or too little would make things worse. Any way a neighbor or village nurse can monitor it daily, at least do not leave too much with her.
Emotions can make things more challenging, at the same time if we did not care, we would not do all the things we do. When emotions start hurting you, you need to channel it in the right direction and ground yourself, take time out until you are balanced. I know all of this may sound too much, take only one step at a time. You will see how things shift, it is very powerful when you are able to understand, let go, forgive. Hope this helps.
Daxa
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Chimp - It is amazing how many folks on this site, including me, can relate to your issues. Truthfully, with mothers like many of ours, it is a wonder any of us (or siblings, if we have them) survived to become the caring, decent people we are. And, sometimes I think that's exactly why there are so many similar stories....it's based on "negative reinforcement" where we made the conscious decision to NEVER be like our mother/father and, if anything, we're probably too damn giving and caring for our own good. Codependency seems to be a very common thread among many on this site and all of the suggestions that have been made, including therapy or some other professional outlet (i.e., pastor if you are so inclined) are very helpful. As you can see, there are many caring folks here who are more than willing to share their own painful situations if they can help others. I agree with everyone who has said that setting boundaries is essential to maintaining your own sanity (and, ultimately, that wonderful husband and son you have). Hugs and good thoughts going your way - keep coming back for support and venting.
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Chimpa, that dog story almost has me crying. So cruel. We didn't have animals at all when I was young and I was told it was because I had "allergies." Mom was heartless like that about friendships and treasured possessions though. Turns out I'm not allergic to animals at all, there just wasn't room in our house (i.e. in her heart) for anything remotely untidy and uncontrollable. My family practice doc had me on a little blue allergy pill for many years and I used to get "gamma globulin shots" and at some point I realized they were placebo to placate my mother. I know about having joy sucked out of your life, and now that Mom is gone it is in some ways easier to avoid feeling down and discouraged. You have to reach a certain point of maturity and experience before you can realize that what the narcissistic or bordeline or othewise dysfuncional parent did and thought was just not normal - that it wasn't all you, it was them! I keep being amazed at the depth and number of things that come back to me, old hurts and unmet needs resurfacing, as I read your post and others like it today. It is a long mountain climb back up to where we could have been...and when we think we are at the top enjoying the view, it's only to find out its just another plateau...bless you for posting and sharing yoru journey!
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Okay, I see that I alreay posted. REading books is great, but for this kind of stuff, you really need a therapist to walk you through the steps. It's so healing, I can't begin to tell you.
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