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Hello everyone! I found this forum yesterday and I'm glad to be here, it is nice to see that I'm not alone in this.

I am 49 and I live with my husband and nine year old son. My mom is 86 and living alone in an apartment nearby. Both my parents were alcoholics, my dad died from alcoholism in 1984 when I was 19. My mom quit drinking a year later (for which I give her tremendous credit!) but she has been severely depressed her entire life. My parents had a horrible relationship and my childhood was filled with screaming, fights, and suicide threats. Mom attempted suicide when I was 13, and has threatened it many, many times ever since.

My mom is very passive aggressive and demands lots of attention. She has the emotional maturity level of a four year old. Her parents were cold and uncaring, and she has never gotten over this, nor has she even tried (despite years of counseling). She put me in the parental role very early in my life, and it remains this way today. She even calls me "mommy" at times.

Mom cannot maintain a relationship with anyone, she's totally closed off. She will make a new friend, and within three weeks she finds a flaw with that person and ends the relationship. In the case where she doesn't end the friendship, her selfish demeanor turns the person off and it ends anyway. Then she turns back to me and tells me how lonely she is and how she wants to die. She makes this kind of comment in front of my nine year old.

Mom is in good physical health but recently she has developed dementia. We hired a caregiver for her, someone to come to her house twice per week to help with tasks and keep her company. As usual, after about three weeks mom was tired of having this person come in and asked us to cancel the service. The very next day, she again called me to say how lonely and depressed she was, and asked to come over. When she comes over here, she only talks about her depressing childhood. Often she will bring photos. She typically doesn't even ask about anyone else, including her grandson, my nine year old.

When mom comes in the house, her negativity is like an enormous, smothering black cloud. I count my heartbeats until she leaves. After she leaves, I feel tremendous guilt and sadness. There is nothing I can do to improve her mood, yet the childish part of me still hopes somehow I can do something. It is up to her to find a shred of happiness, but she refuses, and now that she is getting dementia, I fear she can never have that "aha" moment. This leaves me so terribly sad and if affects my family too.

Mom is on Paxil and Klonopin, and just got Buspar too (after insisting to the doctor that she is STILL depressed/anxious). She can't keep these medicines straight and often takes too many or just lets them run out over the weekend when she can't get a refill quickly. Then she makes one of her crazy visits or phone calls to my house.

I quite literally cannot stand her anymore. I'm engulfed with guilt and sadness but I can't stand the sight of her or bear the sound of her voice. She won't let us do anything for her (hire help). Yet she insists on continuing to vomit negativity over us all. Ironically, despite the suicide threats and spoken desire to die, she still asserts that she wants to live to be 100, and she is careful about what she buys in the grocery store, making sure the ingredients are healthy.

She is a walking conundrum and I am a mess. Advice? Thanks so much if you've read this far! I'm glad to have found this forum.

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Robin, when adults truly cannot care for themselves, they sometimes need people to make decisions for them and care for them. Is it always officially recognized when it needs to be? No, but someone should probably try. Are there time when adults are legally competent but still make terrible decisions? Of course - but they have no right to force others to collaborate with those decisions or to endure their effects without limit.
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Well she is an adult. And now she has copd. She says she is lising her hearing and memory
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Try your Area Agency on Aging. I guess your mom only knew the police and not the APS hotline number, or you would have met a social worker rather than a police officer when she complained of being beaten up by you. Bear in mind, she may believe these things happened (versus just trying to be mean and hurtful) as if she wants to stay home, her turning you in for abuse would hardly accomplish that. I would think her disability is more than her bladder. And how is she still managing to get alcohol?
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Robin why would you want to care for her? She sounds like a very difficult person to deal with. Find employment for yourself, take care of yourself, while your skills are still fresh. Check with unemployment office in your area they do all sorts of free training. There is a program through the Veterans Administration if she or her husband were vets. In some states Medicaid will pay a family caregiver a small stipend, I have heard about $1,000.00 a month. I do not know if that is actually correct. If she has resources she could pay you, but she woyld become an employer with all the financial responsibilities that an employer carries for taxes disability, medicare, workman's comp, the list goes on.
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Can i get a check from dissbility for taking care of her. I had to quit my jobs
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No help. She needs a rehab for mental and alcohiluc depresdion. She gets disability for her bladder. She makes upthings. I even had cops come to me saying they got a call i was beating her on x mas eve once. Not true. But she has made up some very very hurtful lies and is aeful
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Ive never heard of them. Thank u. I calked around last night. Ni hel
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Robin, have you called APS (adult protective services) and have they not been of any help - they might see her as unable to care for herself, more so than the police? It sounds like too much for one caregiver to handle and maybe at this point, she does not have an unlimited right to refuse other help....you might have options for getting guardianship, for example.
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I read your post and it hit home. My mother has Alzheimer's and dimentia in family she wont bsthe use bsthroom on hersrlf yells and never sleeps longer than 20 minute intervals i know i should b there but i left a week ago and cant bring myself to go back i csll her negativr nancy or debbie downer all she talks about is bad and the lies she is only 62 and hasnt been off the couch for three years the more i help the worse she gets she having a poor me party and everyone but me falls for ut and they look at me like a hesrtless devil i cant get no help the police have drove her to pkaces several tines only to b released three days later
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Please have compassion and not guilt for her - you are doing your best as is she.

Get to a 12 step ACOA meeting and work the steps.

Your mother is locked in her own hell and deserves help, too. Please get her to therapy ASAP.

Please do not turn your back on her - there is a chance for peace through compassion and family recovery. It did not get this way overnight and takes time to heal.
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Hello, Reading all of your stories has been such a relief. I am not alone.
Chimp. Do we have the same mother? Palm?
My animals are so important to me now. We live on a ranch and the children, stair stepped from 29 down, four of them, say we love our pets more than them!
I remember as a child, saving food and helping my little mixed breed in the window when it was cold or raining. She never deserved to be treated the way my mom treated her.
My mother has a cat now, we stupidly thought it would help with the isolation. Every time I went to the house, the cat would throw itself at my feet and beg me to kill it or take it home. After three years of living with my mother... it's angry. Now it pins its ears and takes a swipe! What has she done to that poor cat?
But the memories are the worst. She writes hot checks and in comes a memory! We lose another caregiver and I'm hit with another memory. The worst is when you realize that, yes, they have been that way for a long time. Only now it's times ten on crack!
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Thank you Holly, yes I am aware that I can't count on mom being in a good mood! I was just enjoying feeling lighthearted last night for once. I have zero expectation that she will still be in a good mood today. We shall see what we get!

It's funny, I realized too that her mood is her own and it is never altered by anyone else's mood, and never has been. When she's down, nothing cheers her up. It occurred to me last night that while she was in a good mood, nothing would have brought her down. I suppose that is part of narcissism, not being able to be affected by anyone else's mood but her own. I'm really learning now, and I feel so much more empowered by all of this.

But yeah, I'm putting myself and my husband and son first, absolutely. I do have a couple of books on personality disorders, I purchased them from time to time over the past few years, trying to figure all of this out. I'm reading them again now, and having new insights.
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*Chimpazilla*-- I'm glad you found this site to talk things through. It was good for me to find that there are others out there dealing with many of the same issues. I scanned the notes and saw suggestions for the books on co-dependency, which are very helpful reads. Also, a book called "Walking on Eggshells..." helps understand the narcissist and borderline personality disorder. I found help and explanations in that book. Some of your parent's anxieties can be helped by medication, and if you see that this is so, great. I know you were likely saying an expression when you mentioned that "if she were more like this more often I'd do backflips and visit her every day." Wait! It's a reaction/relief to see positive behavior, but put yourself and your immediate family first. Make promises to her very carefully. She will hang on to anything you say as a promise and if it is not fulfilled she can "split" on you and become very disagreeable on the turn of a hat. BPD's are like that. There is no "gray area" no "unforeseen circumstance" that may pull you from that "promise" you've made. An illness, a trip, time on jury-duty, ect -- if it pulls you away from her she will likely revert to the angry uglies again and it would be easier to run a 500 mile marathon than to have to re-build the agreeableness you are seeing now. Story short -- set and keep boundaries, limitations, and talk to persons who can help you.

There are chronic conditions that your parent could have that would be easier to deal with because they are defined. BPD and narcissism are sneaky. They hide in the guise of "functional." There are no cures, there is only behavior modification -- a little for the BPD, a lot needed for the caregiver/family member.

Documentation helps, I saw that in another post -- yes! Talk to specialists in the geriatric field. Speak candidly. Repression of feelings is not good for you.
Hugs!
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Wow, I am truly humbled by all the warm, intelligent and helpful replies to my post. This is a terrific forum, and I appreciate you all so very much. I really need this support.

This afternoon my husband and I visited my mom together. We never know what to expect, and I was hesitant, but I felt supported by being with him. Mom surprised us today, her new medications must be working, because she was the closest to pleasant that I've seen in a long while. She was lucid, friendly, even jovial, and spoke of normal things instead of her childhood woes. She said she would gladly sign her newly-updated will and other paperwork. She even said, without a hint of malice, that she is willing to look into moving into an assisted living facility, and she asked us if we wouldn't mind looking into it. Who is this woman?

Gosh if she were like this more often, I'd do backflips to help her and visit her every day. Tomorrow she could be clingy and suicidal again, who knows? But for this evening, my heart is light for the first time in quite awhile. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts!

{{{huge group hug}}} to all of us here. In just a few days you have all become so dear to me!
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These sad damaged people are not able to heal themselves or seek healing because they don't think there is anything wrong with them. The whole world owes them something, that is what makes them so unpleasant to be around. They did not set out to be this way and probably wish they felt differently but their emotional cores are so bent out of shape they can not feel for others. What made them this way? We don't know but we feel we have to have a connection because they gave us life. We even feel that they deserve to be loved. I think it is very importent to be honest about our true feelings. Many years after my mother's death I realized that I neither loved nor liked my mother. In my adult life I kept as many secrets from her as possible and resented any intrussion into my privacy. I was spared the need to take care of her but had long decided I could never have her in my home which she would have assumed was her right if she had suffered a long terminal illness.It is a very emotionally charged subject but Chimp I think you have made huge progress since comming here and are ready to own your true feelings. As long as you have others to be your sounding board you are able to find your own solutions. Be so thankful that wonderful supporting husband and smart mature young man who is your son. Blessings to you all
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Weird... My beloved kitty was taken away from me due to "allergies" and I was so upset by that. I have 3 cats now, just fine. Pets were ok but only on mom's terms. I found a kitten outside one summer, and got to keep it. Except mom did everything she could to keep it from ever bonding with me. If it was near me she would take it away and give it a treat. Over & over & over. Just to manipulate. Just to keep me from having a pet.
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Okay, I see that I alreay posted. REading books is great, but for this kind of stuff, you really need a therapist to walk you through the steps. It's so healing, I can't begin to tell you.
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Chimpa, that dog story almost has me crying. So cruel. We didn't have animals at all when I was young and I was told it was because I had "allergies." Mom was heartless like that about friendships and treasured possessions though. Turns out I'm not allergic to animals at all, there just wasn't room in our house (i.e. in her heart) for anything remotely untidy and uncontrollable. My family practice doc had me on a little blue allergy pill for many years and I used to get "gamma globulin shots" and at some point I realized they were placebo to placate my mother. I know about having joy sucked out of your life, and now that Mom is gone it is in some ways easier to avoid feeling down and discouraged. You have to reach a certain point of maturity and experience before you can realize that what the narcissistic or bordeline or othewise dysfuncional parent did and thought was just not normal - that it wasn't all you, it was them! I keep being amazed at the depth and number of things that come back to me, old hurts and unmet needs resurfacing, as I read your post and others like it today. It is a long mountain climb back up to where we could have been...and when we think we are at the top enjoying the view, it's only to find out its just another plateau...bless you for posting and sharing yoru journey!
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Chimp - It is amazing how many folks on this site, including me, can relate to your issues. Truthfully, with mothers like many of ours, it is a wonder any of us (or siblings, if we have them) survived to become the caring, decent people we are. And, sometimes I think that's exactly why there are so many similar stories....it's based on "negative reinforcement" where we made the conscious decision to NEVER be like our mother/father and, if anything, we're probably too damn giving and caring for our own good. Codependency seems to be a very common thread among many on this site and all of the suggestions that have been made, including therapy or some other professional outlet (i.e., pastor if you are so inclined) are very helpful. As you can see, there are many caring folks here who are more than willing to share their own painful situations if they can help others. I agree with everyone who has said that setting boundaries is essential to maintaining your own sanity (and, ultimately, that wonderful husband and son you have). Hugs and good thoughts going your way - keep coming back for support and venting.
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sometimes we need to look at what has been happening, in your case for your entire life, not recently because of dementia or other illness. It seems it was not easy to begin with and now it is getting more complicated and demanding. It seems your emotions are affected which is not only not helping mom, it is probably dragging you down with her. I am glad you have a very supportive spouse.
There are several things you CAN do. Tell mom, she needs to have help because you can't help her ALL the time. You can remind her that the help is not coming 7 days a week because she does not like it, but at least whatever you decide, she needs it. This is balancing between her resistance and your need for respite from the situation. It might be 2 days let's say 2 hours now and you might have to increase it, that is why I am saying 'whatever you decide'. If you are providing care, you should be able to choose how much you do it yourself and how much you hire help to get some relief. So you have some control over the situation.
It would be very difficult for Mom to change due to many factors. Expecting her to change is only going to be frustrating for you. Try to shift the focus on you. No matter what, Mom can not dampen your spirits. prepare yourself emotionally so you come in with your 'shield'. Remind yourself you are taking care of your mom who needs your help. You are choosing to help, even though it is not easy. You have a supportive husband. Choose what works for you, to calm yourself - like yoga, walk, meditate to get emotionally stronger. counseling is definitely a good idea.
Setting boundaries is challenging but it can be done. start slowly, with time outs when you can jump when Mom wants you to. Be firm and compassionate when you talk to her afterwards. Try to remind mom that you need your 'time' and live your life. You do not have get into explanations. If mom has dementia, you need to put some things in place, including her medications. If she does not take her meds right, too much or too little would make things worse. Any way a neighbor or village nurse can monitor it daily, at least do not leave too much with her.
Emotions can make things more challenging, at the same time if we did not care, we would not do all the things we do. When emotions start hurting you, you need to channel it in the right direction and ground yourself, take time out until you are balanced. I know all of this may sound too much, take only one step at a time. You will see how things shift, it is very powerful when you are able to understand, let go, forgive. Hope this helps.
Daxa
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Chimp, we have very similar stories. I, too, am 49 and my mom is 86, I have two young adult sons and also a thankfully great and supporting husband of 30 years. While my mother wasn't an alcoholic, she has always been very controlling and narcissistic. Myself and her codependent sister were her "favorites" to dump on, my brother (15 years older than me) had rarely ever seen her true bitter and negative self as she'd put on her best for him, so he was very surprised at this point to learn about his mom's true personality, though her own mother and I had tried to tell him for years how difficult she was. She has very quickly progressed into severe dementia since this past summer, around 6 months. Thankfully she did purchase long term care insurance years ago, her whole life was driven by her finances and she did well for herself. She is now in a residential care home and we are looking into hospice. Though by no choice of my own, we have always been close because she had no one else and couldn't keep friends for very long, though I did get married at 19 just to get out of her house. She was divorced from my father when I was 12, and he later committed suicide when I was 18. I, too, in her sad decline feel guilty for the lack of emotions I carry for her. I am naturally a very optimistic, happy individual, as well as have always been overly emotional dealing with death, but for some reason with my mom I don't have those feelings. It's like I know she will hopefully finally be at peace from her own bitter self after a lifetime of trying to control everyone around her. She, too, even hates the sweet old Labrador and little Maltese that lives in her care home where I would be thrilled to have them around to cheer the place up. Such sad souls that spent their lives being miserable and trying to spread their misery. Don't feel bad about distancing yourself for your own well-being. Your mom can get into assisted living facilities or care homes on her own finances or when they run out the state will pick up from there. I personally wouldn't subject a single caregiver to have to be with my mom alone for any length of time, but her home has about 4 at any given time. I throw myself into enjoying my awesome sons and husband and making relationships with them and friends that she could never manage to do. Many lessons learned from watching her life unfold, and I am most grateful every day at least I didn't inherit either of my parents' miserable personalities. I wish you the very best, and please protect yourself without guilt and focus on the wonderful family you chose to create while finding a way to get your mom the best care she can get without you sacrificing your much-deserved more peaceful and rewarding life with your family. It's okay to choose your family and yourself over pleasing your mom as they will never be grateful for the sacrifices you made.
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Where2turn, "no good deed goes unpunished". Sad but you seem very strong and you did the right thing. There is no way you can get into the head of your father and brother. Whatever you do, do not take your father into your home when his money runs out. That is when he will see your brother disappear. Hang tough. You have been more than kind to your father. Enough is enough.
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Chimpazilla, you have some stories that are close to some I have. I did not realize the lack of empathy extends to pets but I should have. My dad passed away while my twins were taking exams in college. Just too hard to miss and make up. So after the funeral my husband and I drove 11 hours home and planned on picking my twins up from college after their exams and driving back up to visit their grandmother. Well, they had two little chi's and planned on bringing them. Mom told me under no circumstances were they to bring those dogs. If they did they would have to tie them up in the yard. Now she lives in the country and coyotes were becoming a problem. My girls had not seen their grandmother in years. But she would not budge and I refused to board th dogs and cost myself another dime. We stayed home. You just jogged my memory.

And all of my poor pets were outdoors, no vet care and barely enough food. Terrible.

You will be very angry for a long time. Talk, read and research the problems narcissistic ( and I am sure your mother is) people cause their relatives. I fought with mom for a few years, nothing changed. I read tons of books and things began to change. I put up boundaries and that has really helped. Time has taught me to let go of something I never had. I truly don't care as much any longer and will not miss her when she is gone.
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Sandwich42 that was a really good answer you just gave. I see you still have your sense of humor.
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Mom mentioned awhile back that her will (30 years old) needed to be updated. My husband and I went ahead and updated it, and also did a Living Will and POA, all through Legal Zoom. They are sitting on our kitchen table, waiting to be signed and notarized. Mom expressed to my husband the other day on the phone that she won't sign these documents until I am "nicer to her." This does not mean I have been mean and nasty to her. I speak to her in a civil tone, although sometimes I am direct and frank. What she means by "nice to her" is that she desires to be spoken to in what she refers to as a "friendly tone," which means sugary sweet, "there, there honey" type of tone and language. I ain't got it in me. I'm not like that to begin with, and after years of her begging me for it, I won't ever have it. I don't even do that with my son. (luckily he's a super wonderful, emotionally balanced no-nonsense kinda dude and doesn't require that!)

So, all this talking, thinking, typing, and research into personality disorders is bringing out some memories. Mom has never had empathy for another person or even for animals. I am reminded of how she has treated some of the animals we had as I was growing up. She would get a dog, and not having a clue how to deal with one, relegate that dog to outdoors, forever. We had a sweet little pug who lived outside until she drowned in the pool one night when she was quite old. She came home one day with a St. Bernard puppy that she had no idea how to care for, and she too lived outside unattended, rain or shine. Cats came and went from our home, they were indoor/outdoor so never required a litter box. A few years ago, my husband and I had taken in a stray small dog and nursed him back to health. Mom came for a visit and said she'd like to take him (to cure her loneliness), and we stupidly agreed. I don't know why I thought she suddenly had a clue about how to care for a dog... she convinced me she could. She took him home a few days later on the plane. The very next day, I called to see how her trip was and how the dog was doing. She explained, calmly like it was no big deal, that she felt he was "not a good dog" and was too much to deal with, so she took him to the vet that morning and had him put to sleep. I didn't speak to her for three weeks, funny how you can somehow heal from these awful things and continue the sick relationship.

When I had my son a few years later, she came to visit and "help out" for two weeks. She acted like a bigger baby than my newborn, was envious because she was convinced that I preferred my inlaws to her, and she threatened to go home. I told her she should at that point. She stayed... but continued to make me baby her as well as my son, telling her that yes I loved and needed her. She did nothing to help me.

Yep, some nice memories are surfacing! Whoo, boy. I won't be visiting her anymore without my husband present. Hopefully between the two of us, we can convince her that these legal documents are there for everyone's benefit, including (and especially) my brother, who has almost zero to do with her but definitely would like to have half her money someday.

This was quite a rant, thanks for reading it, and again, thanks so much for this support, my healing is beginning in earnest. It's going to be painful at times, but forward it shall go.
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My father was a "functional alcoholic" and now has mild dementia and is in the early stages of Parkinson's at age 82. He is in an Assisted Living facility. Up until just 3 years ago, as the oldest child and only daughter I felt a responsibility to make sure he received the care he needs, took him to all doctor's appointments, etc. He has suffered with major depression for as long as I can remember....... his behavior has always been narcissistic and there was a lot of emotional abuse during my childhood. My brother on the other hand, could do no wrong. My father has basically supported him financially all of his life.(He is 56 years old with a family) After entering Assisted Living, my father made my brother his POA and immediately money began flowing out of my father's accounts into my brother's. I contacted my father's attorney who did her best to audit his accounts. My brother refused to provide any receipts for any expenses.......period. I talked with my father once I was confident about what was happening. He seemed alarmed, asked for my help, and said he had no idea that my brother was taking money from him. My husband and I spent a year and our own money trying to get as accurate an accounting as possible assuming that my father would revoke my brother's POA or his attorney would have the court do so. I was secondary POA so was able to get some information and had to just research and search for the rest. Finally, after months of doing this almost exclusively, my father's attorney was convinced she needed to recommend to him that he revoke my brother's POA and showed him the very disturbing figures. My father is in the last year of his Long Term Health Care policy. When that expires the majority of his expenses will not be covered and he has only a fraction of his financial assets left. My father agreed that the POA needed to be revoked and asked that his attorney be the one to ask my brother first to resign voluntarily. I was present at the meeting when his attorney made the request on my father's behalf. My brother went crazy......he told my dad he was devastated that my father would think so poorly of him etc., etc., etc, My father's response, "Well son, if this is not what YOU want then we will just forget the whole thing." I am not sure there are words to describe how angry, resentful and disgusted I was after trying for such a long time to do whatever I could to protect my father financially. My dad became angry with me and blamed the short lived tension between he and my brother on me.
The result for me was that I no longer wanted to be around my father under any circumstances. I had been manipulated and used and even though I had allowed it to happen, I still thought it was my responsibility to try to protect him from financial disaster because that's simply what you do for an aging parent who is being exploited. So I gave myself a week to get my feet back under me and then went to see my father. I very calmly but firmly explained that I was going to have to distance myself from him for my own well being and would not be available any longer to drive him, bring him things, advocate for him, etc. I told him I felt that under the circumstances it would be best that he not call me with requests but rather start depending on my brother. I was not verbally abusive but completely honest and felt that having that conversation with him instead of just not responding to him any longer was like giving myself permission to detach and move myself away from some very unhealthy dynamics. He wrote me out of his will, revoked my secondary POA and HCPOA and even began to lend money to my brother in addition to what my brother was helping himself to. He refused to listen to his attorney.
Today, I am much healthier emotionally after disconnecting and I will always know that despite what he may choose to say about me to anyone who will listen, I did the right thing and was honest with him about why I simply had to stay away. There are times when we have no choice to draw some very clear boundaries without allowing ourselves to feel guilty or uncaring.
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Ultimately, it doesn't matter *which* personality disorder is or isn't at work with our parents, usually moms. The answer is still the same: therapy, distance, boundaries, and self-care. My mom will never be properly diagnosed at this point, and knowing exactly where she falls on the BPD/Narcissism/Psychosis scale changes nothing about how I have to treat her. I keep her at arms' length, even on "nice" days. I never touch her. "I love you" just won't seem to come out my mouth. I prefer to think my love is in there somewhere, in what I do about 20 hours a week paying bills, tending to her insurance, paperwork, laundry, groceries, etc.

Like someone said, we will never be friends. She's either furious with me or wants something. It will never change. I try to be very business like with her, just to protect myself from harm.

I spent a long time freaking out about where to even begin on this planning, and I'm a professional project manager by trade! So many unknowns!

Get a big plastic file box at the office store, a giant box of folders, and lots of posty notes. You're going to need it. This is where the research and plan is born. I had a binder, which looked sad and pitiful by the time I was done collecting paperwork, titles, deeds, bills, wills, directives, policies, and the like. Be very organized because it pays. Every single thing there is about mom and her affairs is in that box.

Get your hands on every piece of important paper you can and file it. Make placeholders for stuff you don't have yet, so you can fill in the gaps as you go.

Since my mom was totally the passive victim and refused to help plan her future, I had to come up with different options on my own. One plan was to hogtie her, hit her with a hippo sedative, throw her and a brown paper bag of underwear in the car and floor it for 3 days straight to get back here. Another plan involved a state to state moving company, a trash removal guy, boxes, bubble wrap, tape, and time. I was prepared to go in either direction. Some days I wish I'd gone with hippo sedative and brown paper bag. I never considered in-home care for her because she's quite racist, very paranoid, and those people don't deserve what they would have to put up with from my mother. I also didn't opt to put her into assisted living where she was for all the same reasons. There were too many unknowns for my comfort level. I wanted to see the place in person.

Your money does NOT come into play here, whether it's an assisted living place or in-home care. Your mom's finances are all that count. Get durable power of attorney so the bank (and everybody else) will work with you. Prices for senior housing and in-home care vary wildly depending on where you live. Go tour some places nearby. Call around to interview home-health agencies. You have choices. Contact your state's agency on aging to get resources. Take your time to find your choices, so you can evaluate them.

Then be ready to actually execute the plan. I see a lot of people on here who have a decent plan but are stuck at the point of actually doing any of it. Especially if they have other family second guessing & undermining them. Denial is not just a river in Egypt, as they say. I am not one to wait around for a problem to go gangrene before dealing with it. Other people will.

Do the thing that will let you be content with yourself. Not what you think others expect to see, or what that imaginary mom voice says. Do what you can. Don't over commit yourself. Preserve your mom-free safe space at your own home and don't forget to decompress every single day. It's harder to do than it sounds.
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Chimp, do you have mom's powers of attorney. If not you need to take care of that yesterday. If she does not give them to you the state will determine where she lives and treatment received. Do you have siblings that can help with all you are going through?

When it becomes necessary for mom to move to a facility she will have to spend down her principal to self pay. When that is nearly gone a Medicaid application needs to be prepared. Look for a good elder law attorney to help you with all of this. The website AVVO will allow you to ask attorneys in your area questions, and receive responses at no charge. The site also include client and peer reviews. I found it very helpful in my situation.

Good Luck you are dealing with a lot, that many of us have also gone through. This is a great site for learning and support!
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Omg JessieBelle thanks for just making me laugh hard enough to almost spit out my tea. CMPD. That is hilarious and I love it! It is sooooo accurate. {{{hugs}}}
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I know exactly what you mean. I once described my mother as a mix of every personality disorder in the book. It sounds like yours may be the same. I guess we can just called it Crazy-making PD (CMPD).
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