Caring for depressed and broke Mother. Any advice?


It is helpful to read all of these scenarios. One thing I don't notice is people that are stuck with a self centered and manipulative parent that have no money. My mother has always been a narcissist and selfish, nasty comments constantly. Telling me, "you are generous with your money, but not your time." I have explained to her on MULTIPLE occasions that it is because she is a cup TOTALLY empty person and it is not enjoyable to be around her. Took her to Mexico with my entire family last year, it was "too windy, too rainy, the food was vile," etc. I pay for all of her mortgage, taxes and insurance. Her social security money is basically pocket money. Just recently she started having spikes in her blood pressure. Decided that she "hates" where she is living and has to get out of there as the walls are closing in on her. Also "hated" her "piece of shit car." So we went out and got her a new car. Now the latest is she won't live there, (in the place I am paying for) due to her depression and anxiety. Her doctor supposedly told her to NOT go back there. I brought her to my home (my husband is a saint, bwt). All of our kids are gone (5) and we are loving life with our adult kids and grandkids and hang with them ALL of the time. My mother did not like the fact that we had to go to work and do things with our grandkids, etc. Fast forward, she was in the hospital and got out. Doctors suggested meds for depression and anxiety which she won't take. Bottom line: she wants me to sell her place (little equity in it) and has "no clue" where she will move, but it's not gonna be here or my brothers and she is NOT going back to her place (per her). She is pushing me to put her in a place that is independent living but does everything for her. This will cost me a fortune and cut into our retirement and long term care plan, etc. I am so angry and feel like I am being held hostage by her demands. Any suggestions???

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She's a lucky mom. Too bad she's not able to appreciate it.

First, I would see an Elder Law attorney immediately about whether she qualifies for medicaid. I would NOT SELL anything like her house until I got that advice, because her house may be exempt, but if it's turned into cash, it might disqualify her as I think they limited to $2000.00 in assets. Get all that information so you know what she may qualify for based on her own income and assets.

Does she have valid reason she needs to enter Assisted Living or Nurse home? Will a doctor says she has need for assistance with bathing, meals, medication, etc.? I don't know the requirements in your state, but in NC, there has to be some reason that you require assistance in order to get assistance.

I would seriously examine whether I wanted to continue to finance her. What about your own retirement?

Why did the doctor tell her to NOT go home? Was it due to depression, dementia, or some other health reason? Do you have POA for her? If not, I would get it fast, so you can act on her behalf.

Medication might help, but if she's always been unappreciative and nasty, she's not likely to change, although, I know someone who was very unappreciative before dementia and she is much nicer now.
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Here are some threads about narcissistic parents to get you started:
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Why are you letting your mother run your life? She needs to take responsibility for her OWN life and choices. She has social security. She has options. She may not like those options, but that's on her, not you! Your first priority is your husband and your own children. Your mom's way down the list of priorities. It is NOT your job to make your mom happy - that's her job.

You need to get some counseling to set healthy limits with your mom. Where are your brothers in this scenario? Are they helping mom? If not, why not? What's your mom's back story? How old is she and why did you take full responsibility for her? You two sound totally enmeshed and it will take you a lot of work to get back to healthy boundaries, but you can do it!

Start searching on this site for threads about narcissistic parents. There are tons. With lots and lots of good advice about setting healthy boundaries with those kinds of parents. Please keep us posted on how you're doing. You sound like a lovely woman with a family that adores you. You don't deserve to be treated this way!
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You would have to contact Illinois Medicaid to find out if they fund Assisted Living.
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For how long have you been underwriting her life. She's very dependent on you and has been enabled to expect you to rescue her.

The only thing that comes to mind is to call adult protective services and ask them if the is any help for a depressed and broke mother whose life you can no longer underwrite without jeopardizing your own retirement funds and long term care insurance.

While you have not mentioned any input from your husband, I would think that he is tired of dealing with her and would like to be free of her. She evidently failed to prepare for her retirement and that's her problem. I think she's leached off of you long enough.

How did she live before you started underwriting her life which has been extremely kind of you to do.

I gather that you must be an only child since you don't mention any siblings. I would not think if you had any that they would be excited about helping here.

I'm glad to hear that your husband is a saint, With her in your house, his saintliness might get tested to the limit. I've already read this past week of one saintly spouse who fled the house as well as another one who is thinking about leaving.

Maybe someone would know, but do any assisted living place take someone on medicaid pending if she is poor enough to qualify.
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